Well hey Internet, and welcome to the jam. A jam that can be (though is not required to be) followed by a slam.

Yeah, I don’t really have an intro on this one guys, let’s just dive straight into that good jelly jam shall we?

Micah Reviews: Logan

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Logan: The best beard of 2017.

 

The X-men Franchise is rife with hits and misses, highs and lows, awesome mutants, and mutants whose superpowers involve having spiky faces… for some reason. Even the Wolverine specific movies have one really good one, and one VERY bad one. It’s a game of Russian roulette, except the gun is half filled with bullets and instead of losers getting the sweet embrace of death they have to suffer through 2 hours of vague powers and bad dialogue. So where will Logan fall? When will Logan rise? Can you name your future children Logan without people thinking you’re pretentious?? (No.)

The Plot:

So it’s not a great time to be alive if you’re an X-men. All of the other X’s are ex-alive. People have continued to be the worst. And big machines are killing cornfields… or something. Anyway, Logan (Wolverine) is still alive and kicking, though he’s not exactly killing like he used to kill. The old murder claws ain’t muderin’ like they used to. He’s also got Professor X to take care of, mortgage payments to make, and the kids college fund to think of… well that first one anyway.

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So many claws… so little human-claw repositories.

 

Introduced into this unfortunateness is a wee baby girl child who also has a penchant for murdering people with claws and is on the run from some people who really wish he would stab stabbing them specifically. Logan, baby child, and Professor X must embark on a cross country road trip to find some other children, and cause just ALL the collateral damage.

The Positives:

All right, let’s cover the obvious and most important parts: Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart are fantastic. Jackman especially as he is (obviously) the main protagonist here, but both actors get to flex their significant acting muscles and in a movie that definitely lives or dies on their performances, they do an incredible job of carrying it through. The rest of the cast also does admirably well, but this is clearly Hugh Jackman’s show and he does not disappoint.

The action is very good here, with well choreagraphed fight scenes and some super well done claw work with young Wolverina. The last X-men movie (apocalypse) just featured a lot of quick camera cuts and people staring at things, so it was nice to get some good old fashioned claw cuts and some actual combat in one of these X-movies.

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Logan: Legendary Stomper of Puddles

 

The script is solid and the story is well told. It doesn’t exactly go above and beyond with plot twists or great lines of dialogue but it does a good job of staying within’ itself and that’s something to be commended for.

The Negatrons:

Not really a lot to talk about here though I will say the movie was VERY predictable. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I’m not even talking about the big spoilers that everyone who knows anything about this movie knows, I’m talking about the little things that the movie could have done to mix it up that it didn’t do. It sets itself up for a couple ‘big reveals’ or ‘isn’t THIS cool’ moments all of which are very clearly telegraphed. This isn’t a huge problem by any means but it represents some missed opportunities.

The villain here wasn’t very interesting but honestly I REALLY hesitated to even mention it because the movie doesn’t really need or have time for a good villain. I prefer this method of focused storytelling over the current trend of spending twenty minutes “establishing the villain” only to have none of that work and the villain to be at best un-justified, and at worst boring and un-justified (glares at X-men Apocalypse again.) It merits a VERY slight mention, but it really didn’t negatively affect the movie much at all.

In Conclusion:

Logan is a tight, well told, brilliantly acted movie that does exactly what it sets out to do in giving one of the most consistently beloved comic book characters (and actors) a VERY fitting send off. It sacrifices a little bit in terms of villain and twists to be such a tight story, but I found it to be an incredibly gratifying experience and just a great send-off for Hugh Jackmen and Wolverine.

I give it 4 Wolverina’s, out of 5.

The Weekly Headlines 3/14/17

Posted: March 14, 2017 by Micah in Weekly Headlines

Well hey Internet, I’m back. It was a long, crazy, and unfortunate week but here we are yet again staring at a blank page and trying to figure out how to entertain ourselves for a few minutes in this weird and crazy world of cinema! Well what say we wade back into these warm and silky waters with some of that sweet, ancient, concoction we call:

The Weekly Headlines: 3/14/17

Netflix has renewed A Series of Unfortunate events for a second season. This should come as zero surprise given that the show was well reviewed, well received by the public, and perfectly cast. Cancelling A Series of Unfortunate Events would be like if some famous and delightful food product was cancelled for forever.

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Wait, they did what????

 

In tragic, unexplainable news CBS has recently announced the creation of a spin-off series to the longest running, but somehow most relevant show in CBS’s huge collection of completely un-relatable, irrelevant shows. That’s right Big-Bang Series now on its 45th season of vaguely geek related references, is spinning off a show called “Young Sheldon.” Yup… it has come to this. The old, mostly irrelevant shows are creating new completely irrelevant shows. Thank you CBS.

Doctor Who season 10 premiers on April 15th. This marks the last season for both Peter Capaldi and showrunner Stephen Moffat and while I have no problem with Capaldi specifically, and I love Stephen Moffat, I think this’ll be good for the show. The last couple seasons have felt a little uninspired and while there were still some great episodes, I think some new blood will help revitalize the show a lot!

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Say what you want about Peter Capaldi, but the man can reach for the camera like no one else!

 

Oh and there’s a new Smurfs trailer… because apparently the fact that Minions 3 is a thing that exists wasn’t enough of a burden on our children.

Kong: Skull Island took the top spot in the box office this week. Honestly, this movie has gotten very good reviews and I’m very excited to see it… for some reason. Maybe it’s the cast?? I have a very limited desire to see a giant monkey smash some things… on the other hand this is an even gianter monkey than the previous giant monkeys so… I guess that’s what I wanted?? Maybe?

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“I know I left my skull around here somewhere…”

 

Fox’s upcoming X-men TV series has now been named “Gifted” which makes me more than a little nervous that this is gonna turn in to some weird teen soap opera. I mean doesn’t “Gifted” sound like a show where Bobby is in love with Stacy but Stacy loves Billy who’s in love with Kelly? This is one-thousand percent judging a book by its cover but I’m more than a little suspicious of “Gifted”…

Avatar 2 has been delayed… again. Everytime they do this I get the mixed emotions of A: Desperately hoping this movie never comes out, or B: I wish it would just come out already so we can watch the horribleness and just get it over with. It’s the difference between a punch in the face now, or a maybe punch in the face later. It’s very annoying.

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James Cameron’s: Maybe-Later-Atar

 

Finally: A new trailer came out for Wonder Woman and that movie just keeps… just keeps looking good. I refuse to believe guys! I got burned by Suicide Squad, I got very badly hurt by Batman V. Superman. I won’t believe Wonder Woman is good until I am sitting in the theater watching the movie and thinking “wow… this is good!” And even then I’ll be waiting the whole movie for someone to grumpily grumble about how terrible it is to have superpowers, or for Jesse Eisenberg to show up and be just generally insufferable. But assuming none of those things happens and  Wonder Woman is actually a good movie maybe JUUUUST maybe, DC can save itself. But that seems VERY unlikely… after all: Zach Snyder’s still involved.

And there you have it guys! The news that happened except for the stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Check back Thursday when I make a desperate and feeble attempt to hop on the Beauty and the Beast publicity train before it passes me by!

Posted: March 8, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey Internet, I will not be posting this week for family reasons. Thank you all so much for your prayers and support, I should be back soon.

Well hello Internet, and happy last day of February! That’s right guys. You made it. You did it! You survived the horror of Jefbruary, you held on through the horrible movies, the terrible weather and the somehow even worse political nightmarescape and you made it to March where at least one of those things will change… though probably not the other two. But let’s not focus on the fact that we can’t change the fact that the weather is having a severe identity crises, or the fact that no one seems to know what exactly is going on in the news or the fake news or… whatever we’re calling it. And let’s just focus on the fact that new movies are coming, and some of them are probably, maybe, sort of gonna pretty good!! Yay!!

March 2017 Movie Preview

I’m sorry for the weird pictures today… wordpress is being strange again…

March 3rd

Logan –

Okay I’m REALLY trying to tempter my expectations for Logan but it’s getting increasingly harder. The movies gotten great reviews, it’s finally a movie that seems to have caught on the usual Fox-movie tropes out, and it’s Hugh Handsom Jackmen!! I’m all in on this and can’t wait to see it! That said I will be VERY sad when it’s over, because it’s apparently a very sad movie, but it’s not like the trailers were exactly a barrel full of laughs. This is gonna be a great movie, but I’m going to be VERY sad after words and may eat my weight in pasta (or pasta like substitutes.)

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Anna Kendrick and a band of other quirky actors play in a movie about a bunch of quirky people seated together at a wedding. These movie tend to either work really well, or be one million percent broken so… it’s a toss-up. There’s a delicate line between quirky and unwatchable as it turns out, which is, consequently, why my career as a professional dancer never panned out.

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Look at all that Quirkyness

 

 

March 10th

Kong: Skull Island

I’m weirdly interested in this movie. I say that because I’ve never really gotten the whole “King Kong” thing. I mean sure it made sense in like the 20’s when the coolest thing people could think up was “A monkey, but big” but nowadays we have Godzilla, and whatever those monsters were called in Pacific Rim and a bunch of way cooler things then “Hey look, that monkey is larger than a monkey should be.” But this movie actually looks pretty good! Tom Hiddleston, Sam Jackson, Brie Larson, and John Goodman make for a killer cast and I’m genuinely interested to see what happens here.

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Hard to get a tan with Kong around…

 

March 17th

Beauty and the Beast

It’s weird too me that we’re about to kick off a generation of children who see Emma Watson and think “Belle” instead of “Hermione” but whatever. Look, this movie won’t be exactly changing the landscape of film forever, but it’s got a great cast, a good storyline, an established and well known musical score… it’s hard to see this NOT being good. Once again, it’s not gonna be a new and revolutionary step in film or anything, but it’s GOT to be good… right?

March 24th

Power Rangers

Look… I tried to be optimistic about this… probably. At some point. But I’ve seen the trailers, I’ve watched the ineffective high school actors, struggle with a lazy sounding script, and distinctly B looking effects and I’m officially ready to announce: This movie will be the sucks. REALLLLLLLY the sucks. Suckity suck such from Suckburg. Sorry both you Power Rangers fans… nothing to see here.

March 31st

Ghost in the Shell

I’m still torn about this one. The original anime’ was… revolutionary?? I mean it was good. It looked good. But it didn’t exactly make sense, so much as it made ZERO sense. At all. So hopefully this movie can keep the cool visual style and sweet punchity, kickity action. But can also be (as the French would say) sensical.

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The original movie explained it’s concept abut as well as this…

 

And there you go guys! Some sweet sweet snowy deliciousness from the wonderful month of March. Thanks March. You’re the best!

Oh and if you haven’t hear my new podcast yet, we just put out our second episode and it’s exactly as random and Quail filled as you would expect! Check it out here: thepsv.podbean.com

The Weekly Headlines 2-21-17

Posted: February 21, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey Internet!! How’s the old West treating you? How’s the Old East treating you for that matter? No one ever talks about the old East do they? But that’s what we’re here for at Thoughts We Might Have Had! To ask the questions the world is too afraid to ask. To think of the things no one has had the chance to think of yet, and copyright it so as to keep those dollar dollar bills. Because the days of the Old East are coming my friends… they are on our doorsteps, in our streets, circling our cul-de-sacs. And I will be ready.

All right so, due to some VERY exciting things that are happening I’m a bit crunched for time today, but so as not to leave you without your bi-weekly injection of vitriol and sarcasm here are some weekly headlines followed by a very cool, very sleek, and mighty tasty announcement!!

The Weekly Headlines – 2/21/2017

Guillermo Del Toro has officially announced that there will not be a Hellboy Three movie which is definitely newsworthy because both of the remaining fans of that franchise we’re very upset about the ambiguity of Del Toro making a sequel to the moderately enjoyable Hellboy 2, which followed up the moderately un-enjoyable Hellboy 1. I mean, don’t get me wrong I would have watched Hellboy 3 but I wouldn’t exactly have bet the one quarter I have in my bank account that it was gonna be an actual movie.

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Ah, the face of joy.

 

Early movie reviews for Logan have been very VERY positive, proving once again that the only reason the X-men movies ever worked was because of Hugh Jackmen’s handsome and well chiseled man-body. Early reviews for such movies do generally end up being a bit high but I think it’s safe to assume at this point that we’re looking at a good movie here.

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Also: this may be the best poster… just ever.

 

The hype train has officially left the station for Disney’s upcoming re-vamp of Beauty and the Beast. Let’s be honest though, the hype train was never really even IN the station on this one. From the casting, to the music, to the terrifying implications of people turning into furniture, this movie has been tagged for greatness since day 1 and at this point everything seems to be pointing in that direction. Disney hasn’t entirely whiffed on any of their “Look it’s real people/snakes now!!” movies and it would be VERY hard to mess up Beauty and the Beast. I’m not saying they can’t do it, just that it would take a lot of work to get this cast and this score completely wrong.

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I mean look at that cast! How do you mess that up?  

 

The Lego Batman movie continues to rule the box office thanks to the fact that it’s the only halfway decent movie that’s come out in the last couple weeks. It’s not so much winning the race as it is the only participant in the race, that hasn’t recently been attacked with a Hollywood chainsaw.

And finally, Legion has released its first two episodes and while I want to definitely avoid hyperbole allow me to say (in a very non hyperbolic way) it’s the best DANG THING EVER!!! Seriously though: it’s fantastic. Great acting, awesome writing, very weird in its own excellent way. If you’re one of the 5 people with an actual FX subscription you should definitely be watching this!

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He’s sad cause he doesn’t have an FX subscription.

 

Okay that just leaves us with our final announcement which is that I and my good friend Nate Offord have started a new podcast called The PSV that’s all about comedy, the Bible, and then comedy again!! Like seriously, it’s funny… and also VERY not accurate to the Bible so… go into it knowing that! Check it out here: thepsv.podbean.com and let yourself be taken away by my dulcet tones! Thanks for reading and I’ll see you Thursday!

 

Well hey Internet, and all w me to congratulate you on making it through most of Jefbruary! You’re so close to coming out of the bad neighborhood of the movie world. The raging and terrible landfill of Hollywood. Hollywood’s actual trashcan that they actually light on fire. You’ve almost survived. But what have you survived? Well let’s just take a looksee here shall we? Buy dusting off our oldest, and most comfortable pair of short-pants:

 

Box Office Top Ten: 2/16/2017

 

10. Sing

 

There is no greater Jefbruary tradition than the mediocre kids movie that is somehow still in theaters. This years entry, Sing, is a perfectly acceptable entry in the long line of “looks kids!! Things are happening” movies that just refuse to die in Jefbruary, because there aren’t any other movies around to kill them… that got dark quickly.

 

9. Lion

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You’ve got… you’ve got something on your face there man.

 

 

This is a good, uplifting, and awesome movie about… a guy who gets kidnapped. And then there’s a google camera involved and he’s trying to find his family. It’s very uplifting guys. You will be lifted right up there. Assuming you live near one of the two theaters currently showing this movie that is.

 

8. La La Land

 

I’ve talked a lot about this movie and I told everyone to see it about seven times already so… I mean see it. Assuming you live near the one theater that is still showing it.

 

7. Rings

 

Hey look, it’s another one of our favorite Jefbruary friends: the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, horror movie. This one also managing to give us a two for one by being a completely unnecessary sequel no one asked for!! It’s the unwelcome drunk uncle of Jefbruary!! Thanks Rings!!

 

6. A Dog’s Purpose

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I mean, every pickle happens for a reason too but there’s not “A Pickle’s Purpose” movie is there?

 

 

So… awkwardly this is a movie about how great dogs are that treated the dogs they used VERY badly, and is also a pretty bad movie. Who would have thought that a movie based around a ton of dogs dying and re-incarnating would end up being a downer?? The surprises never end.

 

5. Hidden Figures

 

I’m glad this movie is still around cause it’s important societally and a really good movie that everyone should watch!! I’m sad this movie is still around because there’s nothing sarcastic or mean that I can say about it. More like… Hidden Fingers!!… yeah that doesn’t work… and is creepy. Shoulda got out while the gettin’ was good.

 

4. Split

 

M. Night Sham-a-lama finally made a movie that doesn’t suck!! I mean, granted the conclusion is dumb because his mandatory ‘twist’ handcuffed his ability to give us a concrete ending… but whatever. It doesn’t suck. And James McAvoy is great. So yay?

 

3. John Wick: Chapter 2

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Keanu Reeves has some questions for you…

 

 

I actually really liked John Wick. It was simple, straightforward, man action. It wasn’t a big movie that tried to teach you anything other than “always shoot the man in the head,” but it was just a great action movie. John Wick 2 is basically the same thing. Nothing fancy, nothing super challenging scriptwise, just some good old fashioned Keanu Reeves capping some not Keanu Reeves’s in the head.    

 

2. Fifty Shades Darker

 

First off, let me give you just a little credit internet: This was not the number 1 movie in its first week: I’m proud of you. Granted, it’s still number two, but hey, at least it’s not number 1. I know most of you know this but just so I have typed it: this is a TERRIBLE movie. No one should be surprised at this. It’s a sequel to a bad movie, based on bad books, that features bad actors, playing poorly written characters, based on even poorer written characters. It’s bad. And no one should be surprised by this.

 

1. The Lego Batman Movie

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And yet still better than Jared Leto’s joker.

 

 

I was kinda worried this movie wouldn’t be very good. It was a spin-off from a great movie, and a great character in that movie, but we’ve all seen that crash and burn. We all remember Kronk’s New Groove… especially right after I mention it. But Lego Batman was helped by the fact that it’s based on an existing character with a great cast of characters already established, and it turned out a really great movie!!

 

So there you go guys! Thanks for reading, and hang in there for another few weeks guys! You’ve almost made it through!

Well hey Internet, and happy Valentine’s Day! A day that for about half the Internet we spend the day being thankful for the loved ones in our lives, and for the other half it’s a bitter, raging fire of garbage. But hey: super big sale on candy tomorrow right? Shouldn’t that bring everyone together? I’ve done a couple Valentine’s themed posts over lo these many years and I thought this year we would go ahead and answer the question that’s been on ALL y’alls lips: what is the most romantic movie… of all time!!

The 10 Most Romantic Movies of All Times.

Now, to give credit where credit is due: this is not my list. This is a list compiled by AMC movies, based on an audience poll. I have no idea what the ten most romantic movies of all time are, because I have a very loose grasp on romance. This would be like asking a dog to rate it’s ten favorite Carps, maybe that dog knows what carp is, but he doesn’t understand Carp enough to actually form a list of carp. So I thought who better to entrust with this crucial list, than the Internet!!… Oh… literally anyone else huh? Oops.

  1. Love Actually
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Oh good… this charisma black hole again…

 

Well way to start off with a movie I strongly disagree with there, Internet. Love Actually features: a grieving father trying to hook up his 8 year old son. A best friend who VERY creepily confesses his love for said best friends wife roughly an hour after they get married. A man cheating on his wife. And Hugh Freekin’ Grant… I mean WHY? This is really what you want to experience in your romantic life internet??

  1. Titanic

Yeah, this was a terrible idea. The Titanic?? This is an eight hour long movie detailing the least surprising boat crash in history, and telling the story of a poor boy with no redeeming features other than “he’s pretty.” And an aloof heiress with the common sense of a puddle. Who (in the end) show a shocking lack of understanding as to how floating pieces of wood work.

  1. Pride and Prejudice
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Is that Darcy or her shoulder angel?

 

This is a fine entry. Just to clarify this is the Kierra Knightley version and not the Collin Firth one, but whatever. They’re both fine. Both tell the story of an incredibly stuck up man, who does one nice thing with his life, and is instantly rewarded with the love of a woman who had heretofore hated him for VERY good reasons.

  1. Roman Holiday
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This picture features both a literal and a metaphorical third wheel!

 

Aw, now see this is a great movie!! Audrey Hepburn just Hepburning out all over the joint! It’s basically reverse Cinderella but I mean come on! How is this not WAY higher on the list??

  1. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
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The most hilarious heroine?? Even the cat isn’t sure about that.

 

Okay now see… I think Roman Holiday is a better movie than this. This is a great movie but let’s talk about the racist elephant in the room shall we?? Yeah, what was Mickey Rooney doing in this movie?? I realize it was a different time but did know on see Mickey Rooney in costume for this and go: “Wait… this is CRAZY racist isn’t it??” Great movie, but I’d still put Roman Holiday above it.

  1. Now, Voyager

Okay I’m not gonna lie… I have no idea what this is… hang on. This is a 1942 movie based on a book by the same name and starring Bette Davis. Wow… I just read the plot synopsis for this movie and… dang. I think I need a nap. I mean it sounds romantic I guess but… man. I’d much rather watch Roman Holiday and maintain the tiny teeny amount of faith in humanity that I have left.

  1. Sense and Sensibility

How is Sense and Sensibility this high??? I mean, I’m not an expert but isn’t Pride and Prejudice better? Granted this movie has Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman but you know who else’s sleazy, greasy, Britishy face is all up in here??? Hugh Grant.

  1. The Notebook
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Least appropriate boating attire imaginable.

 

Okay now… give me a moment to compose myself. This is a BAD movie guys. Why are there so many dang birds?? We get it. We’re all birds. Or the main character girl is a bird?? Secondly: laying in the road is not romantic! People die that way. You. Specifically. Will die. I hope. You know who the best character in this whole movie was?? Lon. Lon was patient, and steadily loved a girl who (apparently) was a pheasant in another life or something. Pheasant-girl was off making googly eyes with that guy who STALKED her, and Lon was paying the bills. Putting in the work. Lon, is a national treasure. Swan-lake or whatever her name was, is a terrible person who apparently couldn’t be bothered to look up Ryan Goslings address so she could send him a letter. This is a bad movie guys.

  1. Casablanca

Don’t get me wrong here but… is Casablance really a romance?? It’s mostly a war movie/drama. There are romantic parts to be sure, and it’s a GREAT movie, but I don’t know that I would call it a romance.

  1. Gone with the Wind
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Umm… what?

WHAT?!?!?!?!? WHHHAT?!??!!? Internet what have you done!! Gone With the Wind is not a romance. It’s a long sordid history of two HORRIBLE people, who get married for the wrong reasons, constantly fight, name a baby (I swear I’m not making this up) Bonnie Blue Butler and then break up!!! How is THIS the most romantic movie ever in your mind??? Do you guys secretly want to be Scarlet, who marries about 8 people over the course of this movie, stalks her best friends husband, and makes every decision in her life based on what her waist line will be?? Do men want to be Rhett Butler, who spends YEARS selfishly terrorizing a woman until she finally marries him and then he INSTANTLY changes his mind about that and only stays with her because of his terribly named daughter?? WHY???

Okay… sorry… Ya know what?? No. I refuse to accept this list. I thought I could trust you with this internet but I can’t. Here, take this edited list, and go have a happy Valentine’s day. I’m sorry I lost my temper… it’s not your fault.

  1. Sense and Sensibility
  2. Breakfast at Tiffany’s
  3. Pride and Prejudice
  4. Roman Holiday