Well hey internet and welcome to another happening day here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. The magical mystery website where we answer your questions about your concerns!! Or at least that’s what we’re doing today. Most days (frankly) we don’t care. This day though, we’re totally here for you and want to sit down and have a talk and warm some cocoa and just really talk… like we used to… in the old country.

Also, I don’t know why the font and pictures are all messed up… wordpress is apparently off its meds.

Micah, what did you think of Iron Fist? Is it really that bad? – Kyle

Kyle… I’m very sorry to say this… but yes. Very yes. Look, I thought critics were a little too high on Daredevil season 1 and even a little too high on Luke Cage so I was really hoping this was just the critical universe re-balancing itself but… no. Iron Fist is very bad. The writing is bad. The overall storyline is pretty uninteresting, and the main character is just… just so boring. The most interesting person in the show is Colleen Wing and she isn’t really given a ton to do other than be good and/or bad at karate depending on what the show needs right at that moment. The only really good thing about the show is that the fight scenes are pretty good/very good and David Wenham is very good during his limited screen time. On the whole though there just isn’t a lot of punch to Iron Fist. It just sort of keeps happening.

 

Are you watching Legion? – Stephanie L.

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Even Legion is watching Legion!

 

Oh my sweet gibblets of glory yes I am!! It is VERY good. All the good. It is also (for the record) not a kids show. It’s not even really a teens show. But sweet juniper berries it’s a good show! Dan Stevens turns in a fantastic performance as the main character, David, and the rest of the cast is incredibly solid. It’s a little comedy, a little comic book, and a little off-beat horror movie but it’s all fantastic and well done. Can’t wait for the finale but also can’t believe it’s already almost over.

I watched the new Power Rangers movie with my kids and was surprised that it actually was kind of good! Am I wrong? – David

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Now see that’s the level of phoneing in I’ve come to expect.

 

You’re not wrong David. I was wrong. I thought Power Rangers would be terrible and it ended up being… sort of fine. I mean it’s not really good, but it’s also not really bad… which I’m frankly very disappointed by. I mean aren’t the power rangers supposed to be bad? Weird latexy costumes and villains with visible zippers on their costumes? Aren’t they supposed to be filled with generic henchman so they can re-use the fight footage in future episodes? I mean if you’re not going to make a really great power rangers movie (which I’m not even sure is technically possible at this point) the least you could do is make it REALLY bad so I could laugh at you. Come on Power Rangers makers… think of me more huh?? Think of my readers!!

What did you think of the new Justice League Trailer? – Brad

I think I refuse to get excited about DC movies, Brad. I’m not saying it won’t be good (though frankly some of the attempts at humor still left a lot to be desired) but I’ve been fooled one time too many by DC and I’m out until they actually make a good movie. Or even at least an okay movie. A movie that makes sense. A movie where the characters do things humans would do. That’s all I’m asking for DC. There was a new trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming yesterday that basically gave away the entire plot of the movie so it’s good to know that Sony are following in DC’s greasy footprints…

And there you have it guys. A good old fashioned talk, just like we used to have before the world turned cold. I’ll be back Thursday for more of our usual coldness.

Well hey Internet and welcome back to my oft lauded but little used series that we mortals call: best of the worst. A series that takes the worst movies of a franchise and matches them up one against another to find out which one of these bad movies, is in fact, the worst movie. And todays two contestants are:

Best of the Worst: Transformers vs. The Matrix

Two iconic series that started off pretty well (or at least better than expected in Transformers’ case) and then went very VERY VEERRRYYY far downhill. So far downhill.

The Matrix: Revolutions

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Matrix Revolution: Taking stumbling across the finish line, to stumbly new lows of sumbling.

 

Okay so the first Matrix movie was pretty great. Not as great as you remember, but pretty great. Matrix: Reloaded was… well it was very bad. Including a section at the end in which an old man talked for twenty minutes about literally nothing. Nothing at all. But it did have at least a couple cool fight scenes and um… a long incomprehensible dance sequence?? Matrix: revolutions though, wasn’t just long and incomprehensible, it also featured un-interesting characters talking about stuff some child learned from a different child whose father took a philosophy class once and an ending so unsatisfying many audiences just remained in the theater for several hours after the movie waiting for a second, better ending to happen. Most bafflingly though, Matrix: Revolutions featured almost no actual fighting. Sure there was the scene where Neo fought a bunch of CGI Hugo Weaving’s, and the multiple scenes where CGI robots fought other CGI robots to defend a CGI city filled with characters we either didn’t care about, or actively disliked, but none of that was anything like the much smaller, much better fights that happened in the first movie. If great sequels are comprised of the best parts of the original, than the Matrix: Revolutions was a summary of the absolute worst parts of the Matrix.

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These uninteresting robots will be tasked with fighting a less interesting army of other robots to protect an even less, less interesting group of humans.

 

Transformers… Literally all of the Transformers Movies

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When robots riding dinosaur robots and wielding swords can’t save your franchise… nothing can.

 

Look guys, generally speaking in this series we pick the one worst movie of a series and compare it to the good ones… but there are no good transformers sequels. There are only the bad ones. And then the worse ones. And then the somehow even worse than the worse ones. Transformers is a constant proof that even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, there is always another rockier, bottomier bottom you could fall to. Bad acting. Terrible writing. CGI that looks good but does nothing but create sets of 8 more or less identical characters and then smash them together like an angry toddler fighting with action figures.  The whole series is just an on fire garbage can that some guy occasionally comes and throws some extra gasoline on. Matching up this franchise vs. the matrix is like hosting a foot race between the worlds slowest slug, and an empty tooth paste tube. It’s the worst thing.

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Nothing compares quite so closely with the Transformers franchise as the career of Shia Labeauf.

 

The verdict: When I came up with this in my head it was at least a somewhat decent contest. Both franchises started off okay, and then slowly slid down hill… or at least that’s what I thought. I forgot that Transformers started off okay, and then was consumed by a volcano made of sadness. Matrix Revolutions is very bad, but it is nothing compared to the avalanche of miserable that is the Transformers. If anything I’m sorry that I made you think about the Transformers movies this much. Thank you, and I’m sorry.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to the jam. A jam that can be (though is not required to be) followed by a slam.

Yeah, I don’t really have an intro on this one guys, let’s just dive straight into that good jelly jam shall we?

Micah Reviews: Logan

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Logan: The best beard of 2017.

 

The X-men Franchise is rife with hits and misses, highs and lows, awesome mutants, and mutants whose superpowers involve having spiky faces… for some reason. Even the Wolverine specific movies have one really good one, and one VERY bad one. It’s a game of Russian roulette, except the gun is half filled with bullets and instead of losers getting the sweet embrace of death they have to suffer through 2 hours of vague powers and bad dialogue. So where will Logan fall? When will Logan rise? Can you name your future children Logan without people thinking you’re pretentious?? (No.)

The Plot:

So it’s not a great time to be alive if you’re an X-men. All of the other X’s are ex-alive. People have continued to be the worst. And big machines are killing cornfields… or something. Anyway, Logan (Wolverine) is still alive and kicking, though he’s not exactly killing like he used to kill. The old murder claws ain’t muderin’ like they used to. He’s also got Professor X to take care of, mortgage payments to make, and the kids college fund to think of… well that first one anyway.

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So many claws… so little human-claw repositories.

 

Introduced into this unfortunateness is a wee baby girl child who also has a penchant for murdering people with claws and is on the run from some people who really wish he would stab stabbing them specifically. Logan, baby child, and Professor X must embark on a cross country road trip to find some other children, and cause just ALL the collateral damage.

The Positives:

All right, let’s cover the obvious and most important parts: Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart are fantastic. Jackman especially as he is (obviously) the main protagonist here, but both actors get to flex their significant acting muscles and in a movie that definitely lives or dies on their performances, they do an incredible job of carrying it through. The rest of the cast also does admirably well, but this is clearly Hugh Jackman’s show and he does not disappoint.

The action is very good here, with well choreagraphed fight scenes and some super well done claw work with young Wolverina. The last X-men movie (apocalypse) just featured a lot of quick camera cuts and people staring at things, so it was nice to get some good old fashioned claw cuts and some actual combat in one of these X-movies.

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Logan: Legendary Stomper of Puddles

 

The script is solid and the story is well told. It doesn’t exactly go above and beyond with plot twists or great lines of dialogue but it does a good job of staying within’ itself and that’s something to be commended for.

The Negatrons:

Not really a lot to talk about here though I will say the movie was VERY predictable. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I’m not even talking about the big spoilers that everyone who knows anything about this movie knows, I’m talking about the little things that the movie could have done to mix it up that it didn’t do. It sets itself up for a couple ‘big reveals’ or ‘isn’t THIS cool’ moments all of which are very clearly telegraphed. This isn’t a huge problem by any means but it represents some missed opportunities.

The villain here wasn’t very interesting but honestly I REALLY hesitated to even mention it because the movie doesn’t really need or have time for a good villain. I prefer this method of focused storytelling over the current trend of spending twenty minutes “establishing the villain” only to have none of that work and the villain to be at best un-justified, and at worst boring and un-justified (glares at X-men Apocalypse again.) It merits a VERY slight mention, but it really didn’t negatively affect the movie much at all.

In Conclusion:

Logan is a tight, well told, brilliantly acted movie that does exactly what it sets out to do in giving one of the most consistently beloved comic book characters (and actors) a VERY fitting send off. It sacrifices a little bit in terms of villain and twists to be such a tight story, but I found it to be an incredibly gratifying experience and just a great send-off for Hugh Jackmen and Wolverine.

I give it 4 Wolverina’s, out of 5.

The Weekly Headlines 3/14/17

Posted: March 14, 2017 by Micah in Weekly Headlines

Well hey Internet, I’m back. It was a long, crazy, and unfortunate week but here we are yet again staring at a blank page and trying to figure out how to entertain ourselves for a few minutes in this weird and crazy world of cinema! Well what say we wade back into these warm and silky waters with some of that sweet, ancient, concoction we call:

The Weekly Headlines: 3/14/17

Netflix has renewed A Series of Unfortunate events for a second season. This should come as zero surprise given that the show was well reviewed, well received by the public, and perfectly cast. Cancelling A Series of Unfortunate Events would be like if some famous and delightful food product was cancelled for forever.

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Wait, they did what????

 

In tragic, unexplainable news CBS has recently announced the creation of a spin-off series to the longest running, but somehow most relevant show in CBS’s huge collection of completely un-relatable, irrelevant shows. That’s right Big-Bang Series now on its 45th season of vaguely geek related references, is spinning off a show called “Young Sheldon.” Yup… it has come to this. The old, mostly irrelevant shows are creating new completely irrelevant shows. Thank you CBS.

Doctor Who season 10 premiers on April 15th. This marks the last season for both Peter Capaldi and showrunner Stephen Moffat and while I have no problem with Capaldi specifically, and I love Stephen Moffat, I think this’ll be good for the show. The last couple seasons have felt a little uninspired and while there were still some great episodes, I think some new blood will help revitalize the show a lot!

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Say what you want about Peter Capaldi, but the man can reach for the camera like no one else!

 

Oh and there’s a new Smurfs trailer… because apparently the fact that Minions 3 is a thing that exists wasn’t enough of a burden on our children.

Kong: Skull Island took the top spot in the box office this week. Honestly, this movie has gotten very good reviews and I’m very excited to see it… for some reason. Maybe it’s the cast?? I have a very limited desire to see a giant monkey smash some things… on the other hand this is an even gianter monkey than the previous giant monkeys so… I guess that’s what I wanted?? Maybe?

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“I know I left my skull around here somewhere…”

 

Fox’s upcoming X-men TV series has now been named “Gifted” which makes me more than a little nervous that this is gonna turn in to some weird teen soap opera. I mean doesn’t “Gifted” sound like a show where Bobby is in love with Stacy but Stacy loves Billy who’s in love with Kelly? This is one-thousand percent judging a book by its cover but I’m more than a little suspicious of “Gifted”…

Avatar 2 has been delayed… again. Everytime they do this I get the mixed emotions of A: Desperately hoping this movie never comes out, or B: I wish it would just come out already so we can watch the horribleness and just get it over with. It’s the difference between a punch in the face now, or a maybe punch in the face later. It’s very annoying.

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James Cameron’s: Maybe-Later-Atar

 

Finally: A new trailer came out for Wonder Woman and that movie just keeps… just keeps looking good. I refuse to believe guys! I got burned by Suicide Squad, I got very badly hurt by Batman V. Superman. I won’t believe Wonder Woman is good until I am sitting in the theater watching the movie and thinking “wow… this is good!” And even then I’ll be waiting the whole movie for someone to grumpily grumble about how terrible it is to have superpowers, or for Jesse Eisenberg to show up and be just generally insufferable. But assuming none of those things happens and  Wonder Woman is actually a good movie maybe JUUUUST maybe, DC can save itself. But that seems VERY unlikely… after all: Zach Snyder’s still involved.

And there you have it guys! The news that happened except for the stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Check back Thursday when I make a desperate and feeble attempt to hop on the Beauty and the Beast publicity train before it passes me by!

Posted: March 8, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey Internet, I will not be posting this week for family reasons. Thank you all so much for your prayers and support, I should be back soon.

Well hello Internet, and happy last day of February! That’s right guys. You made it. You did it! You survived the horror of Jefbruary, you held on through the horrible movies, the terrible weather and the somehow even worse political nightmarescape and you made it to March where at least one of those things will change… though probably not the other two. But let’s not focus on the fact that we can’t change the fact that the weather is having a severe identity crises, or the fact that no one seems to know what exactly is going on in the news or the fake news or… whatever we’re calling it. And let’s just focus on the fact that new movies are coming, and some of them are probably, maybe, sort of gonna pretty good!! Yay!!

March 2017 Movie Preview

I’m sorry for the weird pictures today… wordpress is being strange again…

March 3rd

Logan –

Okay I’m REALLY trying to tempter my expectations for Logan but it’s getting increasingly harder. The movies gotten great reviews, it’s finally a movie that seems to have caught on the usual Fox-movie tropes out, and it’s Hugh Handsom Jackmen!! I’m all in on this and can’t wait to see it! That said I will be VERY sad when it’s over, because it’s apparently a very sad movie, but it’s not like the trailers were exactly a barrel full of laughs. This is gonna be a great movie, but I’m going to be VERY sad after words and may eat my weight in pasta (or pasta like substitutes.)

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Anna Kendrick and a band of other quirky actors play in a movie about a bunch of quirky people seated together at a wedding. These movie tend to either work really well, or be one million percent broken so… it’s a toss-up. There’s a delicate line between quirky and unwatchable as it turns out, which is, consequently, why my career as a professional dancer never panned out.

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Look at all that Quirkyness

 

 

March 10th

Kong: Skull Island

I’m weirdly interested in this movie. I say that because I’ve never really gotten the whole “King Kong” thing. I mean sure it made sense in like the 20’s when the coolest thing people could think up was “A monkey, but big” but nowadays we have Godzilla, and whatever those monsters were called in Pacific Rim and a bunch of way cooler things then “Hey look, that monkey is larger than a monkey should be.” But this movie actually looks pretty good! Tom Hiddleston, Sam Jackson, Brie Larson, and John Goodman make for a killer cast and I’m genuinely interested to see what happens here.

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Hard to get a tan with Kong around…

 

March 17th

Beauty and the Beast

It’s weird too me that we’re about to kick off a generation of children who see Emma Watson and think “Belle” instead of “Hermione” but whatever. Look, this movie won’t be exactly changing the landscape of film forever, but it’s got a great cast, a good storyline, an established and well known musical score… it’s hard to see this NOT being good. Once again, it’s not gonna be a new and revolutionary step in film or anything, but it’s GOT to be good… right?

March 24th

Power Rangers

Look… I tried to be optimistic about this… probably. At some point. But I’ve seen the trailers, I’ve watched the ineffective high school actors, struggle with a lazy sounding script, and distinctly B looking effects and I’m officially ready to announce: This movie will be the sucks. REALLLLLLLY the sucks. Suckity suck such from Suckburg. Sorry both you Power Rangers fans… nothing to see here.

March 31st

Ghost in the Shell

I’m still torn about this one. The original anime’ was… revolutionary?? I mean it was good. It looked good. But it didn’t exactly make sense, so much as it made ZERO sense. At all. So hopefully this movie can keep the cool visual style and sweet punchity, kickity action. But can also be (as the French would say) sensical.

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The original movie explained it’s concept abut as well as this…

 

And there you go guys! Some sweet sweet snowy deliciousness from the wonderful month of March. Thanks March. You’re the best!

Oh and if you haven’t hear my new podcast yet, we just put out our second episode and it’s exactly as random and Quail filled as you would expect! Check it out here: thepsv.podbean.com

The Weekly Headlines 2-21-17

Posted: February 21, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hey Internet!! How’s the old West treating you? How’s the Old East treating you for that matter? No one ever talks about the old East do they? But that’s what we’re here for at Thoughts We Might Have Had! To ask the questions the world is too afraid to ask. To think of the things no one has had the chance to think of yet, and copyright it so as to keep those dollar dollar bills. Because the days of the Old East are coming my friends… they are on our doorsteps, in our streets, circling our cul-de-sacs. And I will be ready.

All right so, due to some VERY exciting things that are happening I’m a bit crunched for time today, but so as not to leave you without your bi-weekly injection of vitriol and sarcasm here are some weekly headlines followed by a very cool, very sleek, and mighty tasty announcement!!

The Weekly Headlines – 2/21/2017

Guillermo Del Toro has officially announced that there will not be a Hellboy Three movie which is definitely newsworthy because both of the remaining fans of that franchise we’re very upset about the ambiguity of Del Toro making a sequel to the moderately enjoyable Hellboy 2, which followed up the moderately un-enjoyable Hellboy 1. I mean, don’t get me wrong I would have watched Hellboy 3 but I wouldn’t exactly have bet the one quarter I have in my bank account that it was gonna be an actual movie.

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Ah, the face of joy.

 

Early movie reviews for Logan have been very VERY positive, proving once again that the only reason the X-men movies ever worked was because of Hugh Jackmen’s handsome and well chiseled man-body. Early reviews for such movies do generally end up being a bit high but I think it’s safe to assume at this point that we’re looking at a good movie here.

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Also: this may be the best poster… just ever.

 

The hype train has officially left the station for Disney’s upcoming re-vamp of Beauty and the Beast. Let’s be honest though, the hype train was never really even IN the station on this one. From the casting, to the music, to the terrifying implications of people turning into furniture, this movie has been tagged for greatness since day 1 and at this point everything seems to be pointing in that direction. Disney hasn’t entirely whiffed on any of their “Look it’s real people/snakes now!!” movies and it would be VERY hard to mess up Beauty and the Beast. I’m not saying they can’t do it, just that it would take a lot of work to get this cast and this score completely wrong.

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I mean look at that cast! How do you mess that up?  

 

The Lego Batman movie continues to rule the box office thanks to the fact that it’s the only halfway decent movie that’s come out in the last couple weeks. It’s not so much winning the race as it is the only participant in the race, that hasn’t recently been attacked with a Hollywood chainsaw.

And finally, Legion has released its first two episodes and while I want to definitely avoid hyperbole allow me to say (in a very non hyperbolic way) it’s the best DANG THING EVER!!! Seriously though: it’s fantastic. Great acting, awesome writing, very weird in its own excellent way. If you’re one of the 5 people with an actual FX subscription you should definitely be watching this!

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He’s sad cause he doesn’t have an FX subscription.

 

Okay that just leaves us with our final announcement which is that I and my good friend Nate Offord have started a new podcast called The PSV that’s all about comedy, the Bible, and then comedy again!! Like seriously, it’s funny… and also VERY not accurate to the Bible so… go into it knowing that! Check it out here: thepsv.podbean.com and let yourself be taken away by my dulcet tones! Thanks for reading and I’ll see you Thursday!