Well hello good buddies and internet friends, and welcome to another thrilling, chilling, and trilling entry into the ever growing pantheon of:

Best of the Worst

That’s right! It’s time for us to get back to our roots and compare the worst movie from two franchises and find out which one is really the worst. Today, in honor of the Fate of the Furious being released and maybe finally not running commercials for itself every two seconds of every minute of my life, we’ll be comparing it, to that long standing, long Tom Cruise running shot featuring series, Mission Impossible.

Mission Impossible 2: Best Hair, Worst Movie.

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So much good hair… so much worse movie.

 

I just want to take a second and be very clear about something: this is in no way an attack on Mr. Cruise’s hair in the major motion picture: Mission Impossible 2. Mr. Cruise’s hair is a shining long locked bastion, lighting the way to good hair dos everywhere. Thank you, hair.

That said: Mission Impossible 2 is a very bad movie. So bad it basically killed the franchise until the great franchise saver JJ Abrams deigned to sprinkle some of his rejuvinatory juices on it. The plot makes no real sense, the ending is just a huge comedic sequence where 4 different people are wearing masks, and there’s just a lot of weird unnecessary slo-motion shots involving flips and motor cycles and sunglasses exploding. (Very cool sunglasses… just for the record.) It’s a movie that really wanted to be the Matrix but had to deal with the problematic factor that it was in no way the Matrix. The storyline has something to do with a virus and Tom Cruises girlfriend who he basically instantly forgets about in favor of a much more grounded character in 3. MI2 is a classic example of someone coming into a franchise so desperate to put their stamp on it that they entirely forgot what the actual thing they were supposed to be doing was. At no point does it feel like an actual Mission Impossible movie, which is not something that (for the record) is super hard to achieve.

I give it 2 unnecessary mask reveals, out of 5.

And opposing MI2 is a movie so bad that the Fast and the Franchise movies have literally just decided to pretend never EVER happened. That’s right: it was too bad, for the Fast and the Furious.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Filming Discounts

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Like an unfortunate car decal: this movie’s badness sticks with you.

 

You want to know who the best actor in Tokyo drift is?? Lil’ Bow Wow. I’m not joking. He’s actually not even that bad in it, and in the world of Tokyo Drift being ‘Not Bad’ basically makes you Daniel Day Lewis. The main character (not Lil’ Bow Wow) is played by a white male Walmart Manikin named Sean Boswell who has come to Tokyo for reasons I cannot even begin to care about. He loves to race though. Boy does he love to race. That’s literally all you need to know about this cardboard cutout of a human with a “Boy Am I From the South” trucker hat on his head. Actually you should probably also know that he is VERY bad at racing but that for some reason people continually show an interest in his burgeoning racing career to the point where they teach what is apparently the ultimate solution to all of his personal and career problems: the ability to go around a corner in a motor vehicle.

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A movie that repeatedly asks you to believe that the pile of mashed potatoes in the passenger seat of this car is an actual human being.

 

The real kicker of TFatF:TD though is that the rest of the Fast franchise couldn’t even decide where it went in the “chronology” of Fast and the Furious. And yes, Fast and the Furious does have a chronology. See, technically Tokyo Drift was released as the 3rd movie but when the FF people decided to start forming a super team they knew they definitely didn’t want the main character from Tokyo Drift so they decided to use one of the secondary characters who (regretfully) died in that movie. This meant that they had to push Tokyo Drift back until later, specifically, until Fast and the Furious 7 a full four movies after it actually took place. Confused?? You should be. But that’s what you have to do when you make a movie that stars a rock with the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama painted on it.

I give it 1 Faceless Stars, out of 5.

So there you go guys: the prize for worst movie goes to Tokyo Drift, cause at least MI2 had that good good Tom Cruise hair.

I’ll probably do a mailbag on Thursday so send in your question to Thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and hey, why not check out my podcast that I do with my good buddy Nate over here thepsv.podbean.com!

Hey Internet, well guys, I’m not gonna lie to you… this time… It’s been a rough week. Rough seas. Rough hair. Rough bristles. Just rough. But not wanting to leave you entirely without my patented wisdom and sage council here’s a strongly abbreviated version of the Box Office Top Ten and what you should or shouldn’t be seeing this weekend.

Box Office Top Ten 4-6-2017

Number 10: The Zookeepers Wife

A woman who’s the wife of a Zookeeper who… fights the Nazi’s??? I think? But not in like a cool Dr. Doolittle of Death sort of way but more in a “this actually happened” sort of way… which is arguably better… arguably.

Number 9: CHIPS

This is the abbreviated version of the Top Ten so I’m gonna keep this short: don’t watch CHIPS. Ever. For any reason.

Number 8: Life

Not to be confused with the board game which teaches children all about how Life definitely won’t go. The movie ‘Life’ teaches us exactly how it would go if humans ever do find life on other planets! Namely: it will murder us all. Life is actually a decent movie with a great cast and you should check it out if you like the sort of ‘trapped in space, pseudo horror’ kind of thing.

Number 7: Get Out

Great horror movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like horror movies in which case: get out! (rim-shot)

Number 6: Logan

Great comic book movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like comic book movies in which case: get out!… hmm… something went wrong there.

Number 5: Kong: Skull Island

It’s hard to say whether Skull Island is good or not… I mean it’s got all the parts to a good movie, I’m just not sure if it puts them all together in the right order. If you’re a fan of the genre it’s definitely worth checking out and it COULD be really fun… but you might also think it’s slow and circular and doesn’t really give its great cast much to do… hard to say.

Number 4: Saban’s Power Rangers

It’s not terrible. It’s not great. It just exists. It’s the unbuttered toast of cinema… it just sort of exists.

Number 3: Ghost in the Shell

This movie looks great… but it isn’t great. Your eyes will be delighted… but your heart will be sad. Or bored. But you don’t hear about ‘the girl with the bored heart’ do you?

Number 2: Beauty and the Beast

It’s still a great movie. If you haven’t seen it, go to the theater and open thine eyes. Let the warmth of your childhood wash over you like a thousand clean linens and laundered doilies.

Number 1: Boss Baby

A kids movie for kids. Your kids will enjoy this but you will spend the entire movie on your phone trying to remember how to play soduko. It’s a fine kids movie, but that’s it.

So there you go guys, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with us during these times. All should be back to normal for the website next week, and hey, why not use the time you saved by me only writing 500 words this week to check out my new podcast! Here’s the ling: http://www.thepsv.podbean.com thanks so much for reading!

 

Posted: March 30, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Internet!! It’s been so long since last we spoke! So long since we sat down, stared deep into the crystal ball, and saw what movies were coming out next month! So pull up a chair, grab a Dixie cup of water, and let’s tell some fortunes!!

Oh boy… oh no… Guys this… this is not good.

Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner: April 2017

Oh yeah I forgot to tell you… we changed the name of this series. Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner tested WAY better than whatever it was call before… that I do not remember.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah: the not goodness. Guys April’s lookin’ REAL bleak… like it’s not a January/February/Jafbruary problem where it’s a ton of bad movies coming out… there just aren’t any movies… at all. Like they don’t look bad, they don’t look good they just look… like they kind of exist. For some reason. Anyway, here are the four movies I found that were worth talking about, suffice to say the biggest prediction of Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner is: You will find yourself with extra money, after not going to the movies much.

April 7th

Colossal – This movie stars Anne Hathaway as a woman with a mysterious psychic connection to a giant Godzilla-esque monster. I mean it’s a very interesting idea I’ll give it that. The trailers look interesting but… I’m just not sure if this is a whole movies worth of interesting. If this was like a ten minutes YouTube video I’d be all in but… 2 hours of “isn’t it weird how when I move the monster moves” could get old fast. If it gets good reviews I will definitely see it but… I’ll be a little surprised if it gets good reviews.

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Anne Hathaway and her monster shadow.

 

Smurfs: The Lost Village – Hey all you Smurf fans, look! It’s a new smurf movie!! What’s that? What do you mean the last remaining smurf fans were heartlessly betrayed by the last two horrible smurf movies and are now less trusting of this franchise than I am of whatever wizardly process turns almonds into “milk?” Look, I’m not saying this won’t be an okay kids movie but I am definitely saying that it won’t be a good movie. It will probably serve to distract your children for an hour and a half while they laugh at low hanging fruit jokes and are mesmerized by fancy blue colors but… this isn’t gonna be Inside Out or anything even vaguely Inside Out adjacent.

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I was gonna put a picture of the Smurfs here but… I didn’t want to.

 

April 14th 

The Fate of the Furious

Everytime a commercial comes on for The Fate of the Furious me and my wife punch my TV. It’s getting very expensive. But not nearly as expensive as the add campaign for F8 of F8rious. I mean I’m pretty sure they’ve infiltrated every form of media known to man at this point with the stunning fact that Vin Diesel BETRAYED HIS FAMILY!! Despite the fact that he definitely didn’t do that, and will undoubtedly betray whoever he BETRAYED HIS FAMILY for. He’s Vin Diesel. If you have made it be some of the other members of the family I could have at least pretended to buy in but there’s no way Vin Diesel would growl his growly lines for a single growl if his character had actually BETRAYED HIS FAMILY. Anyway, I’ve watched like… most of this franchise… I think. At some point they all start blending together. I don’t even think Vin Diesel knows what happened in any one movie at this point. Regardless, we have two more weeks of commercials left before this movie comes out and then we get like a month off before the commercials start for The Fast and the Fninerious or whatever we’ll call that version of this never ending car homicide series.

The Lost City of Z

Look guys, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know that much about this movie. It’s not a zombie movie though… I’m pretty sure, so that’s one bullet dodged anyway. This was literally the only other even vaguely interesting looking thing that came out in April so… here’s a plot synopsis. An explorer in the AmaZon finds a city and he explores it. Yay? Look it’s Charlie Hunman who people like and it’s an Amazon original movie that’s based on a true story so… I mean it’ll probably be good right? Amazons last movie “Manchester by the Sea” AKA “Life Sucks and Everyone Sucks and It Sucks To Be You” won like… all the awards so… it’s probably gonna be good? I mean nothing else will be for the rest of the month, so we better hope it is!

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I still don’t know what this movie is about, but that’s a VERY handsome explorer.

 

And there you go guys, a sparse look at a VERY sparse month. Like I couldn’t find a movie that came out after April 14th that I even a little bit cared about. Hang in there though, cause May is coming. And May will save us all!

Oh also, while you’re not going to the movies, why not use your spare time to catch up on my sweet awesome podcast of awesomeness!! Check it out here http://www.thepsv.podbean.com

Well hey internet and welcome to another happening day here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. The magical mystery website where we answer your questions about your concerns!! Or at least that’s what we’re doing today. Most days (frankly) we don’t care. This day though, we’re totally here for you and want to sit down and have a talk and warm some cocoa and just really talk… like we used to… in the old country.

Also, I don’t know why the font and pictures are all messed up… wordpress is apparently off its meds.

Micah, what did you think of Iron Fist? Is it really that bad? – Kyle

Kyle… I’m very sorry to say this… but yes. Very yes. Look, I thought critics were a little too high on Daredevil season 1 and even a little too high on Luke Cage so I was really hoping this was just the critical universe re-balancing itself but… no. Iron Fist is very bad. The writing is bad. The overall storyline is pretty uninteresting, and the main character is just… just so boring. The most interesting person in the show is Colleen Wing and she isn’t really given a ton to do other than be good and/or bad at karate depending on what the show needs right at that moment. The only really good thing about the show is that the fight scenes are pretty good/very good and David Wenham is very good during his limited screen time. On the whole though there just isn’t a lot of punch to Iron Fist. It just sort of keeps happening.

 

Are you watching Legion? – Stephanie L.

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Even Legion is watching Legion!

 

Oh my sweet gibblets of glory yes I am!! It is VERY good. All the good. It is also (for the record) not a kids show. It’s not even really a teens show. But sweet juniper berries it’s a good show! Dan Stevens turns in a fantastic performance as the main character, David, and the rest of the cast is incredibly solid. It’s a little comedy, a little comic book, and a little off-beat horror movie but it’s all fantastic and well done. Can’t wait for the finale but also can’t believe it’s already almost over.

I watched the new Power Rangers movie with my kids and was surprised that it actually was kind of good! Am I wrong? – David

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Now see that’s the level of phoneing in I’ve come to expect.

 

You’re not wrong David. I was wrong. I thought Power Rangers would be terrible and it ended up being… sort of fine. I mean it’s not really good, but it’s also not really bad… which I’m frankly very disappointed by. I mean aren’t the power rangers supposed to be bad? Weird latexy costumes and villains with visible zippers on their costumes? Aren’t they supposed to be filled with generic henchman so they can re-use the fight footage in future episodes? I mean if you’re not going to make a really great power rangers movie (which I’m not even sure is technically possible at this point) the least you could do is make it REALLY bad so I could laugh at you. Come on Power Rangers makers… think of me more huh?? Think of my readers!!

What did you think of the new Justice League Trailer? – Brad

I think I refuse to get excited about DC movies, Brad. I’m not saying it won’t be good (though frankly some of the attempts at humor still left a lot to be desired) but I’ve been fooled one time too many by DC and I’m out until they actually make a good movie. Or even at least an okay movie. A movie that makes sense. A movie where the characters do things humans would do. That’s all I’m asking for DC. There was a new trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming yesterday that basically gave away the entire plot of the movie so it’s good to know that Sony are following in DC’s greasy footprints…

And there you have it guys. A good old fashioned talk, just like we used to have before the world turned cold. I’ll be back Thursday for more of our usual coldness.

Well hey Internet and welcome back to my oft lauded but little used series that we mortals call: best of the worst. A series that takes the worst movies of a franchise and matches them up one against another to find out which one of these bad movies, is in fact, the worst movie. And todays two contestants are:

Best of the Worst: Transformers vs. The Matrix

Two iconic series that started off pretty well (or at least better than expected in Transformers’ case) and then went very VERY VEERRRYYY far downhill. So far downhill.

The Matrix: Revolutions

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Matrix Revolution: Taking stumbling across the finish line, to stumbly new lows of sumbling.

 

Okay so the first Matrix movie was pretty great. Not as great as you remember, but pretty great. Matrix: Reloaded was… well it was very bad. Including a section at the end in which an old man talked for twenty minutes about literally nothing. Nothing at all. But it did have at least a couple cool fight scenes and um… a long incomprehensible dance sequence?? Matrix: revolutions though, wasn’t just long and incomprehensible, it also featured un-interesting characters talking about stuff some child learned from a different child whose father took a philosophy class once and an ending so unsatisfying many audiences just remained in the theater for several hours after the movie waiting for a second, better ending to happen. Most bafflingly though, Matrix: Revolutions featured almost no actual fighting. Sure there was the scene where Neo fought a bunch of CGI Hugo Weaving’s, and the multiple scenes where CGI robots fought other CGI robots to defend a CGI city filled with characters we either didn’t care about, or actively disliked, but none of that was anything like the much smaller, much better fights that happened in the first movie. If great sequels are comprised of the best parts of the original, than the Matrix: Revolutions was a summary of the absolute worst parts of the Matrix.

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These uninteresting robots will be tasked with fighting a less interesting army of other robots to protect an even less, less interesting group of humans.

 

Transformers… Literally all of the Transformers Movies

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When robots riding dinosaur robots and wielding swords can’t save your franchise… nothing can.

 

Look guys, generally speaking in this series we pick the one worst movie of a series and compare it to the good ones… but there are no good transformers sequels. There are only the bad ones. And then the worse ones. And then the somehow even worse than the worse ones. Transformers is a constant proof that even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, there is always another rockier, bottomier bottom you could fall to. Bad acting. Terrible writing. CGI that looks good but does nothing but create sets of 8 more or less identical characters and then smash them together like an angry toddler fighting with action figures.  The whole series is just an on fire garbage can that some guy occasionally comes and throws some extra gasoline on. Matching up this franchise vs. the matrix is like hosting a foot race between the worlds slowest slug, and an empty tooth paste tube. It’s the worst thing.

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Nothing compares quite so closely with the Transformers franchise as the career of Shia Labeauf.

 

The verdict: When I came up with this in my head it was at least a somewhat decent contest. Both franchises started off okay, and then slowly slid down hill… or at least that’s what I thought. I forgot that Transformers started off okay, and then was consumed by a volcano made of sadness. Matrix Revolutions is very bad, but it is nothing compared to the avalanche of miserable that is the Transformers. If anything I’m sorry that I made you think about the Transformers movies this much. Thank you, and I’m sorry.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to the jam. A jam that can be (though is not required to be) followed by a slam.

Yeah, I don’t really have an intro on this one guys, let’s just dive straight into that good jelly jam shall we?

Micah Reviews: Logan

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Logan: The best beard of 2017.

 

The X-men Franchise is rife with hits and misses, highs and lows, awesome mutants, and mutants whose superpowers involve having spiky faces… for some reason. Even the Wolverine specific movies have one really good one, and one VERY bad one. It’s a game of Russian roulette, except the gun is half filled with bullets and instead of losers getting the sweet embrace of death they have to suffer through 2 hours of vague powers and bad dialogue. So where will Logan fall? When will Logan rise? Can you name your future children Logan without people thinking you’re pretentious?? (No.)

The Plot:

So it’s not a great time to be alive if you’re an X-men. All of the other X’s are ex-alive. People have continued to be the worst. And big machines are killing cornfields… or something. Anyway, Logan (Wolverine) is still alive and kicking, though he’s not exactly killing like he used to kill. The old murder claws ain’t muderin’ like they used to. He’s also got Professor X to take care of, mortgage payments to make, and the kids college fund to think of… well that first one anyway.

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So many claws… so little human-claw repositories.

 

Introduced into this unfortunateness is a wee baby girl child who also has a penchant for murdering people with claws and is on the run from some people who really wish he would stab stabbing them specifically. Logan, baby child, and Professor X must embark on a cross country road trip to find some other children, and cause just ALL the collateral damage.

The Positives:

All right, let’s cover the obvious and most important parts: Hugh Jackman and Patrick Stewart are fantastic. Jackman especially as he is (obviously) the main protagonist here, but both actors get to flex their significant acting muscles and in a movie that definitely lives or dies on their performances, they do an incredible job of carrying it through. The rest of the cast also does admirably well, but this is clearly Hugh Jackman’s show and he does not disappoint.

The action is very good here, with well choreagraphed fight scenes and some super well done claw work with young Wolverina. The last X-men movie (apocalypse) just featured a lot of quick camera cuts and people staring at things, so it was nice to get some good old fashioned claw cuts and some actual combat in one of these X-movies.

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Logan: Legendary Stomper of Puddles

 

The script is solid and the story is well told. It doesn’t exactly go above and beyond with plot twists or great lines of dialogue but it does a good job of staying within’ itself and that’s something to be commended for.

The Negatrons:

Not really a lot to talk about here though I will say the movie was VERY predictable. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, and I’m not even talking about the big spoilers that everyone who knows anything about this movie knows, I’m talking about the little things that the movie could have done to mix it up that it didn’t do. It sets itself up for a couple ‘big reveals’ or ‘isn’t THIS cool’ moments all of which are very clearly telegraphed. This isn’t a huge problem by any means but it represents some missed opportunities.

The villain here wasn’t very interesting but honestly I REALLY hesitated to even mention it because the movie doesn’t really need or have time for a good villain. I prefer this method of focused storytelling over the current trend of spending twenty minutes “establishing the villain” only to have none of that work and the villain to be at best un-justified, and at worst boring and un-justified (glares at X-men Apocalypse again.) It merits a VERY slight mention, but it really didn’t negatively affect the movie much at all.

In Conclusion:

Logan is a tight, well told, brilliantly acted movie that does exactly what it sets out to do in giving one of the most consistently beloved comic book characters (and actors) a VERY fitting send off. It sacrifices a little bit in terms of villain and twists to be such a tight story, but I found it to be an incredibly gratifying experience and just a great send-off for Hugh Jackmen and Wolverine.

I give it 4 Wolverina’s, out of 5.

The Weekly Headlines 3/14/17

Posted: March 14, 2017 by Micah in Weekly Headlines

Well hey Internet, I’m back. It was a long, crazy, and unfortunate week but here we are yet again staring at a blank page and trying to figure out how to entertain ourselves for a few minutes in this weird and crazy world of cinema! Well what say we wade back into these warm and silky waters with some of that sweet, ancient, concoction we call:

The Weekly Headlines: 3/14/17

Netflix has renewed A Series of Unfortunate events for a second season. This should come as zero surprise given that the show was well reviewed, well received by the public, and perfectly cast. Cancelling A Series of Unfortunate Events would be like if some famous and delightful food product was cancelled for forever.

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Wait, they did what????

 

In tragic, unexplainable news CBS has recently announced the creation of a spin-off series to the longest running, but somehow most relevant show in CBS’s huge collection of completely un-relatable, irrelevant shows. That’s right Big-Bang Series now on its 45th season of vaguely geek related references, is spinning off a show called “Young Sheldon.” Yup… it has come to this. The old, mostly irrelevant shows are creating new completely irrelevant shows. Thank you CBS.

Doctor Who season 10 premiers on April 15th. This marks the last season for both Peter Capaldi and showrunner Stephen Moffat and while I have no problem with Capaldi specifically, and I love Stephen Moffat, I think this’ll be good for the show. The last couple seasons have felt a little uninspired and while there were still some great episodes, I think some new blood will help revitalize the show a lot!

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Say what you want about Peter Capaldi, but the man can reach for the camera like no one else!

 

Oh and there’s a new Smurfs trailer… because apparently the fact that Minions 3 is a thing that exists wasn’t enough of a burden on our children.

Kong: Skull Island took the top spot in the box office this week. Honestly, this movie has gotten very good reviews and I’m very excited to see it… for some reason. Maybe it’s the cast?? I have a very limited desire to see a giant monkey smash some things… on the other hand this is an even gianter monkey than the previous giant monkeys so… I guess that’s what I wanted?? Maybe?

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“I know I left my skull around here somewhere…”

 

Fox’s upcoming X-men TV series has now been named “Gifted” which makes me more than a little nervous that this is gonna turn in to some weird teen soap opera. I mean doesn’t “Gifted” sound like a show where Bobby is in love with Stacy but Stacy loves Billy who’s in love with Kelly? This is one-thousand percent judging a book by its cover but I’m more than a little suspicious of “Gifted”…

Avatar 2 has been delayed… again. Everytime they do this I get the mixed emotions of A: Desperately hoping this movie never comes out, or B: I wish it would just come out already so we can watch the horribleness and just get it over with. It’s the difference between a punch in the face now, or a maybe punch in the face later. It’s very annoying.

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James Cameron’s: Maybe-Later-Atar

 

Finally: A new trailer came out for Wonder Woman and that movie just keeps… just keeps looking good. I refuse to believe guys! I got burned by Suicide Squad, I got very badly hurt by Batman V. Superman. I won’t believe Wonder Woman is good until I am sitting in the theater watching the movie and thinking “wow… this is good!” And even then I’ll be waiting the whole movie for someone to grumpily grumble about how terrible it is to have superpowers, or for Jesse Eisenberg to show up and be just generally insufferable. But assuming none of those things happens and  Wonder Woman is actually a good movie maybe JUUUUST maybe, DC can save itself. But that seems VERY unlikely… after all: Zach Snyder’s still involved.

And there you have it guys! The news that happened except for the stuff that hasn’t happened yet. Check back Thursday when I make a desperate and feeble attempt to hop on the Beauty and the Beast publicity train before it passes me by!