Posts Tagged ‘Dead Men Tell No Tales’

Well hey Internet, I’m back from vacation. I was gone for a little while but probably not quite as long as you were hoping I would be.

And speaking of Pirates of the Caribbean 5…

Micah Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean 5

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PoTC 5: Because that dumb Disney ride won’t pay for itself you know.

 

Yeah, you guys didn’t even know I could get into the actual material of a blog that fast did you? You thought I was somehow morally obligated to get through 100 words before I started talking about movies didn’t you? Well no more sir! This is the newer, sleeker, less filling Thoughts We Might Have Had, where I can get into the blog as of about 8 words ago!

The Plot:

Jack is back guys! He’s a Pirate. He enjoys being a Pirate, but he is (after four movies) distinctly not very good at actual Pirating. I mean, in the first Pirates movie he was sort of accidentally good, but these days he’s actually legitimately just not very good at pirating. Anyway, it seems that long ago in a scenario in which he got his entire outfit for some reason, Jack sunk the ship of a man named Salazar and that man got resurrected by… the Aurora Borealis’s evil brother, Niles Borealis. He’s also given some fantastic hair, it’s worth mentioning but this gift of immortality and well groomed hair isn’t enough to sate Salazar’s burning desire to be a villain and he goes on a long quest to VERY roundaboutly kill Jack Sparrow without trying all that hard.

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You could swap out the cast of this movie and the cast of the 4th movie and I promise no one would notice.

 

Jack meanwhile must partner up with characters who are basically the same two pallet swapped characters he’s been partnering with throughout this franchise to chase down some super natural thing that will inevitably tempt him, but also solve all his problems. Also: Orlando Bloom is back. So that happens.

The Pros:

Look, the acting here is solid. Johnny Depp can still be a weird Pirate in a gradually increasing amount of face makeup. Geoffrey Rush at this point is an actual pirate and should play nothing but Pirates forever. Series newcomer Javier Bardem does an admirable job of really trying to make this movie be something other than another tired sequel to a franchise that got pretty dang tired a couple movies ago.

Umm… I mean it looked pretty good. Javier Bardem’s pirate hair looked pretty good. If Purt Plus ever gets tired of having women pretending to wash their hair with their products they can definitely talk to Javier about his Pirate hair… which rhymes.

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Look at the flow in that hair?? Those beautiful wavy locks!! That could be you, with just a little Pert Plus and a lot of being cursed by Satan.

 

The Cons:

This whole thing just felt so… tired. The writers didn’t really seem to care if the jokes were funny or if the plot was original, or if the characters were interesting. Someone just said: write a lot of Johnny Depp running around. And that’s what they did. They wrote just enough stuff to say “It’s a Pirates of the Caribbean movie” and then immediately stopped. If there was a line on a wall that said “You must be this tall to be a Pirates of the Carribean movie.” This movie would be exactly that tall. It’s not a bad movie per se, but it’s VERY not a good movie.

In Conclusion:

There honestly isn’t a ton to say about Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Franchises Keep Telling Tales. It just exists. It’s not good enough to merit your attention, but it isn’t really bad enough to merit your disdain. It’s a movie that (like its main hero) just sort of teeters back and forth a lot. The humor doesn’t ever really land, but it’s not terrible. The action is paint by numbers Pirates but it’s not entirely un-entertaining. Pirates of the Caribbean 5 just happens. It’s two plus hours of a movie that is (undeniably) comprised of two plus hours of materials.

I give it two Pert Plusses out of 5.

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