Posts Tagged ‘Tom Cruise’

Hail and hello Internet and welcome to another classic and semi-sweet edition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. An edition in which we must ask ourselves: is Tom Cruise better than Brendan Fraser???

Yes. I mean, objectively, he just is. So… bye??

Micah Reviews: The Mummy


The  Mummy at no point features any snakes… though it does feature some  VERY big ants.


The Plot:

So a long time ago in an Egypt Far Away a young girl fought with sticks on a sand pile. A lot. Like an unusual amount of stick fighting on sand. She was also the Princess of Egypt right up until a Prince of Egypt was born and made into an animated movie. The Princess wasn’t a fan of the movie though, so she killed it. By which I mean she actually murdered a person. Several persons in fact. She murders these persons so that she can be the Queen of Egypt but also because her brand new boyfriend the Egyptian god of death is a huge fan of said death and also (somewhat ironically) wants to be brought to life. But before she can do that she is stopped by some other Egyptians and then (in hopes of launching a film franchise) they turn her into a mummy! Because ladies can be mummy’s too!

Many thousands of years later Tom Cruise comes along and (for reasons far too coincidental to get into here) unearths the Mummy little Mummy house. For science reasons the Mummy is then transported to London where the Mummy crashes a plane, eats some souls, uses some mascara, and then sets her evil plan in motion to un-dead her undead boyfriend and then… conquer??? Something??


Tom Cruise and the “Mummy House” as I have dubbed it.


The Positives:

Look, the Mummy isn’t a bad movie. It’s not a good movie, but it’s not bad. At the core of the Mummy is a good idea, and an interesting thought. The execution of that idea isn’t always great but the idea is still fairly solid.

The most interesting character in the movie by a long shot is the Mummy herself. Generally speaking with Monster movies the monster isn’t really a strong character but when the Mummy is onscreen she’s the one you’re paying attention to. It would have been great if the writers could have come up with a better backstory for her but… see my above sentence on: “Good ideas, bad execution.”


Tom Cruise looks EXACTLY this bored throughout the movie.


The Negatrons:

Just like I don’t have a huge list of positives, I’m not gonna sit here and make a massive list of negatives. That said: the script lets what was a good idea down in a big bad way. None of the “character progression” is very progressive, character decisions are handled with casual disregard, and various stabs at humor almost always fall flat. Like the writers of the script sort of copied and pasted together the scripts like a kidnapper using a magazine and none of the lines really have any particular flair or purpose behind them.

As interesting as The Mummy is, the rest of the characters in the movie fail to distinguish themselves in any way. Except for the main love interest ‘Jenny’ her only distinguishes herself by falling in love with Tom Cruises’ character for absolutely no reason and then having her name yelled roughly 7000 times by Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise doesn’t do anything really great in this movie but he also doesn’t really have much to work with other than shouting Jenny’s name over and over and over again.

In Conclusion:

The Mummy is a perfectly fine movie. It’s not overly good. It’s not terrible. It’s a shame because there was a good idea for a movie somewhere underneath the bland scripting and middle of the road action. I can’t say you should run out and see it instantly but there are some good things happening in here.

I give it 2 screaming Jenny’s out of 5



Posted: April 25, 2013 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , ,

Well hey everyone, here we are once more, standing at the edge of Oblivion!

(Editor’s Note: I’m sorry, believe me when I tell you I pulled out all of the really bad Oblivion puns, now all you have are the bad ones, the mostly bad ones and the near-vomit inducing ones. Like I said, I’m sorry. I’m like the little dutch boy with his finger in the dike except there’s another little dutch boy beside me slowly eating the dike for breakfast. I desperately need a new job, literally any job. Anything.)

Before we get into our review for today let me apologize to the fans of the podcast (yes, both of you) it’s on a bit of a delay because the site I use for hosting just popped up and said “By the way, I may have forgot to mention this before but, you’ve been on a free trial this whole time, and now that you’ve gotten yourself established and have a fan base (made up of two fans and that tree over there) I thought it would be a good time to tell you that if you don’t want the entire internet to come and throw rocks at your house you owe me forty dollars.”

This is the part in movies where the spunky lawyer who went to community college and fought for their degree would show up and tell the big mean website to leave me alone but until that happens I’m gonna have to come up with some sort of new plan (hopefully I’ll have a new one up tomorrow morning). That said let’s go ahead and jump off into the Review of Tom Cruise’s latest (and potentially greatest???) excuse to make the “Tom Cruise running” face.

Micah Reviews: Oblivion

People who stand on glass platforms shouldn't ummm... drop rocks?

People who stand on glass platforms shouldn’t ummm… drop rocks?

Tom Cruise stars in a movie that is the official warm-up run for the Summer Holiday Blockbuster season. If Summer Movies are a basketball team, then Oblivion is the pre-game butt slap from the coach, and oh what a butt slap it is. — Wait, what?

The Plot:

Moving on quickly, with my head down, pretending nothing happened up there, let’s talk about Oblivion. Tom Cruise stars as Jack Harper, plucky maintenance man left on Earth to maintain the planet while the rest of humanity preps to move on to their next place of residence, a strange far away, alien land called: California. Wait I mean– Titan (one of the moons of Neptune… or something.) Anyway Jack and his (*significant cough*) partner, Victoria, work to maintain Earth until the giant vaguely taco shaped mother ship is ready for its long journey through the stars.

While Tom Cruise is out getting shot at, Victoria's greatest work related threat is the dreaded "stood up to fast after sitting down all day" epidemic. We all have dangers we must face.

While Tom Cruise is out getting shot at, Victoria’s greatest work related threat is the dreaded “stood up to fast after sitting down all day” epidemic. We all have dangers we must face.

But when Jack’s haunting nightmares refuse to go and haunt someone else, and when a mysterious ship crashes mysteriously next to the Mystery Machine; everything Jack believes might just go spinning into (dun dun DUN) Oblivion.

Yup, that happenned. Hey, I bet no other review of this movie comes with a free Scooby Doo reference.

Yup, that happened. Hey, I bet no other review of this movie comes with a free Scooby Doo reference.

Can Jack and Victoria whether this storm? What is the real reason Morgan Freeman is in this movie? And how do we keep making Tom Cruise look so tall in these movies? I mean the guy is what like… 5′ 2 or something right? Does he just wear colossally high heels and I just never notice cause I’m too busy staring at his hair? What the hey man, what the hey.

This is why Morgan Freeman is in this movie. The raw awesome.

This is why Morgan Freeman is in this movie. The raw awesome.

The Positives:

I hope you all understand how hard the next sentences is for me to type: I thought Tom Cruise did pretty well with this movie… Ew. I must be getting old. Seriously though, he’s not great, I mean he’s not Liam Neeson (who by the way is like 6′ 4) but he pulls off a believably like-able character who you genuinely want to cheer for in this movie and that’s really all that I need in this one. Oblivion doesn’t need a brilliant top notch acting performance, cause it get’s by on the narrative, which (consequently) brings us to my next point:

The narrative is awesome. The story of the movie really keeps you guessing and while I had figured a couple things out before they were “revealed” it wasn’t much before and it really didn’t take anything away from the actual reveals. The plot keeps just far enough ahead of you to keep you coming along behind it and when you finally get to the end of the movie you’ll be glad you kept up!

Just a very cool feel to everything. The visuals were really nice, the technology was cool (aside from a somewhat disappointing motorcycle) and nothing in the world stuck out as not belonging.

The Negatrons:

I guess I could have done without the long intro voice over by little Tommy Cruise (he’s gonna come to my house and punch me right in the chest for calling him that isn’t he?) I mean it’s not that the info wasn’t useful it’s just that they repeat the exact same info a couple other times and I felt like it was a little overkill. Maybe they were worried audience members wouldn’t be paying attention as they slowly slipped into mental (dun dun DUN) oblivion. (Editor’s note: That’s the last one. I’m sorry. Also, seriously if you’re hiring I’m there. I mean Micah mostly just pays me in insults and gopher hide so most things would be an upgrade at this point… though I do love those hides… so smooth…– eh-hem right… what were we talking about?)

There was a fairly ummm… revealing… swimming pool scene involving a woman who was wearing nothing but the swimming pool if you take my meaning. I normally don’t mention things like that but the movie was only rated PG-13 and it just caught me a bit off guard. Be prepared to bury juniors face in a copy of War and Peace for a minute or two (War and Peace being (of course) the least sexy of novels.)

In Conclusion:

I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Oblivion, and it’s not like I was dreading watching it either. The story held up really well and the acting was more then up to the task of keeping me interested. Morgan Freeman was great, and even itty bitty Tommy turned in a great performance in a movie that was a great launching pad for what I hope will be a great summer of movies.

I give it 4 tiny peoples out of 5!

Thanks for reading everyone, I’ll post a podcast as soon as I can, so stay close to your headphones… or something. See you Monday as I officially start the Summer Hype festivities with my THIRD annual summer questions blog!

Hey everybody, well here we are again, after another weekend and at the end of another Summer and just in time for the Official and totally not made up movie awards ceremony: “Totally Not Planned Out and Utterly Inconsequential Awards of the Summer Awards!… 2”!!! Just like Oscars, but nobody cares. Oh wait… nobody cares about those either? Well then… by all means.

Best Two Words of the Summer:

Puny god. (not blasphemy toward the God)

Also the only two words he speaks. Man that’s a win.

If you’ve seen the Avengers you know exactly what this is. If you haven’t seen the Avengers yet… see it. Literally the first time I watched this movie the crowd was laughing so loud at the part prior to this that I missed this line entirely. And yes I did see it twice. And yes my wife did come with me both times. Cause she’s awesome.

Best Tom Cruise of the Summer:

Ba ha ha. I’m kidding. Nobody wins with Tom Cruise. Nobody.


Best Kids Movie:

Ice Age 4: No Seriously… It’s Ice Age 4

Okay the main competition for this was between Brave, Paranorman and Ice Age 4. I liked Brave a lot, and I thought ParaNorman was really good but in the end I’m giving it to Ice Age 4 because I was honestly very surprised by it. I know Pixar movies are going to be good, they’re Pixar movies. Pixar makes movies like I put up random pictures of muskrats.


Ice Age 4 was a really solid movie that I didn’t think was necessarily going to be bad but that I wasn’t exactly flipping out about either. In the end it was just fun. Like a random picture of a muskrat.

In retrospect… they don’t actually look that fun do they?

Best Performance By a Woman Everyone Seemed to Hate for No Reason: 

Anne Hathaway

I’m not even an Anne Hathaway fan and I honestly hoped she would do well in this movie just because everyone on the internet pitched a hissy fit and screamed for their teddy bear as soon as the casting choice was announced. And speaking of bears…

Most Adorable Bears:


Very little competition here.

Sequel I Most Didn’t Watch:

Madagascar 3

Can we all agree that the only redeemable parts from the first two movies were the parts where King Julien was hilarious? Not that I’m not a fan of incessant pointless talking and the EXTREMELY awkward section of the movies where a Giraffe is in love with a Hippo but… Oh wait yeah I’m not a huge fan of that and I hope I never watch this movie…. I’m sorry King Julien…

Movie That Probably Made Me a Better Person:

Amazing Spiderman.

No seriously. You know what I learned from Amazing Spiderman? That sometimes you’ve got to enjoy a movie. Sure I could debate the finer points of Tobey McGuire (I spell his name differently every time so if that’s not right just wait for it to come around again) vs. Andrew Garfield. Or Gwen Stacy vs. Mary Jane but ya know what? I don’t want to. I just want to relax and watch a movie. So there world!!

Movie I Surprisingly Didn’t Watch: 

Dark Shadows.

I was really excited about this movie originally but… I don’t know. Maybe it was the horrendous reviews or the fact that I feel like I’ve already seen Johnny Depp play this character or the fact that it seems to be less of a “Hey here’s a cool idea for a movie” and more of a “So what movie can we make that has Johnny being weird in it?”

Movie I Unsurprisingly Didn’t Watch:

What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

Hey look, it’s a ridiculously generic movie that I can’t relate to which stars a bunch of people I sort of hate!!! yay…

Let me just post the movie synopsis from IMDB:

A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn’t always deliver what’s expected.

Ha ha ha…. That’s probably the funniest thing I will ever post.

Real Life Version of a Disney Character That Horrified Me The Most:

This person.

SOOOO creeped out.

Man Who Scared Me The most:


Say what you want about Tom Hardy’s mask and not being able to really hear what he was saying but… man… the guy was horrifying.

And a return from last years column:

Pleasantest Surprise:

The Avengers

Here’s the thing. I really like Josh Whedon, I also really like Thor, Iron-man and the Hulk. I tolerate Captain America. But when was the last really good super-hero mashup movie that you watched? If you answered “never” you win. Honestly I was way too afraid The Avengers was going to be terrible to be too excited about it but then… well then it was awesome. And I believed in love again.

Best Movie of the Summer:

Ohhh… yeah I can’t call it. I’m sorry… my heart is not strong enough. Dark Knight Rises, Avengers… this song goes out to both of you. May I one day own you on DVD….

Goodbye Summer… I knew ye not well enough…

*Sings softly into the full moon*

So here’s the thing. I am probably not the best person to write this particular blog review… or blogerview as all you texting typed children’s are saying. Then again the fact that you are a texting typed person and that I haven’t incorporated some sort of weird picture of a ferret being dipped in chocolate fire in the last forty words means you’ve probably stopped paying attention to me and are currently texting Rita to see if she wants to go hang out at the mall or something. She doesn’t. Even if she tells you she does. She doesn’t. Rita doesn’t even like you. She told me yesterday. Twice.

Anyway though now that you’re not reading this and that anyone out there with a friend named Rita is royally freaked out I feel pretty good about jumping right into my review of a movie that has been widely praised as “a film in which stuff happens.”

Micah Reviews: Rock of Ages.

PLEASE do not confuse this movie with the hymn of the same name. The two have nothing in common. I promise.

The Plot:

Sherrie is a young girl arriving in Hollywood with big eyes, big hair, and an accompanying bus that happens to know all of the lyrics to “Just Like Paradise”. Anyway she steps off the bus and is almost immediately mugged by an attractive local Hollywoodsian. Never fear though!! Because ANOTHER local Hollywoodite is right there to tell her that he’s sorry and let her look at his dreamy curly black hair and milk chocolate brown eyes. I mean get her a job. THEN let her look at his dreamy curly black and snicker-doodle brown eyes. The two (as it turns out) have a lot in common and immediately fall in love and go on a montage together.

Meanwhile at the place where Sherrie and her new manboyfriend Drew work (the Bourbon room… club? thing.) the whole club is gradually sinking into the muck and mire of it’s own tax evasion. Here to save the day though is Rock icon Stacie Jax(x) who (aside from having a girl’s name and an entirely unnecessary second x) also has substance abuse issues, image problems, a tenuous grasp on reality, and a pet monkey named Hey Man(n). In other words, everybody wants to be like him. Anyway Jax(x)(b) is putting on a concert to save the club, but his manager Paul takes most of the profits anyway and the two disappear into the night. Oh also Sherrie and Drew break up (surprising given the strength of their two minute montage) and a conservative group led by some woman whose name I don’t care to remember is trying to close down the Bourbon room-club in the hopes of stopping a major motion picture from ever being made about it.

Be warned movie goers… this is the most clothes Tom Cruise wears at any point in this movie.

Will the Bourbon room be saved? Will Stacie Jax(hdfgx) ever learn what true love is? Will Sherrie and that other guy find true love in each other’s arms? Does anyone really care?

The Positrons:

Okay so you may have gotten the impression from my opening tirade that this was not my favorite movie ever. Well… it wasn’t. But neither did I hate it. It’s just easier to make fun of musicals because the plot and writing concerns are shipped to the very bottom of “the list of things we care about while making this movie.”

That having been said: I liked the cast of the movie pretty all right. Alec Baldwin and Russel Brand are entertaining, Julianne Hough does a surprisingly good job as Sheryl with the blond blond hair. And I didn’t want to beat Tom Cruise to death with his own ego every time he was on screen so… there’s that!

Definitely the three strongest performers in the film. That guy in the background? Ignore him. Please!

I did enjoy the song selection. They were all of those old classic 90’s/80’s rock ballads that I pretend not to know the lyrics to while I’m walking through public Mall typed areas! Some of them feel a little shoe-horned into the film but hey this is a musical remember? Music first!! And bearing that in mind: I liked the music.

The Negatives:

The guy who played Drew should probably never be allowed to act again. Just a suggestion. Also I’m pretty Catherine Zeta-Jones (playing the head “we want to shut this club down for largely undefined reasons” woman) was asleep most, if not all, of the time she was on camera.

I never really bought into the script. Or the characters. I know I know, “it’s a musical” but that’s like saying it’s okay that a delicious fruity snack is still good despite the fact that it’s wrapped up in the nightmares of small Latvian puppies. I realize musicals are never gonna be crazy strong in the plot department *glaring at Phantom of the Opera* but it doesn’t mean I’m not going to mention it.

A Random Section on Musicals:

Believe it or not, I like musicals. I even “liked” Rock of Ages really. I’m not against the idea of a world where people express their deepest emotions by singing, or where everyone in a school cafeteria happens to be a highly trained hip-hop dancer who can perfectly choreograph a dance on the dly. I’m okay with it. I just wish more musicals would take that idea and use it to enhance their movie rather than using it as a huge set of fluffy pink crutches. I make light of Phantom of the Opera and realize that some people have walled their entire house with the score of “Masquerade” but the straight up truth is that the whole premise of the story is built around the fact that some girl thinks the creepy guy giving her music lessons and kidnaping her is somehow her father’s ghost. Maybe Les Miserables (in theaters this December) will be the answer to my musical based prayers who knows.

Rock of Ages is definitely more along the lines of “fluffy pink crutches.” Songs are rarely justified and only once or twice did it really feel like a song fit in for the occasion it was being used on. You almost get the feeling the writers were handed a song list of “must includes” before they actually came up with a story.

In Conclusion:

Rock of Ages is a good musical and an okay movie. That’s really what things boil down too. I don’t regret going to see it, I enjoyed myself, and enjoyed listening to the music and watching some of the comic relief characters interact. I’m torn between giving this movie a two or a three here… I guess I’ll go two purely because of some of the strange strange strangliness that occurred in it without really being necessary. That said if you’re a fan of the music, or just an adult fan of musicals in general I’d definitely say it was worth checking out.

I give it 2 perfectly curled curly hairs out of 5.

P.S. Standard “this movie is rated PG-13 and you should watch it bearing that in mind” warning applies. Lots of dancing, some scant claddery, and Tom Cruise’s face are all in this movie. Honestly I was slightly surprised it made it in under the R rating… Ye be warned.


Confession: When I was a little kid Mission Impossible scared me to death! Why? Well let’s take a look at what happened in this movie:

1. Some dude blew up a fish tank with a stick of gum!

How my child brain interpreted this: Holy cow…. What if I chew that gum? What if someone replaces my gum with explody gum of death and my head explodes!!

2. People wear full face masks that they rip off at extremely inopportune times.

How my child brain interpreted this: Holy cow… my dad could be anyone! What if someone impersonates my little sister to secretly infiltrate my hidden stash of gum (which may or may not be explosive).

3. Tom Cruise.

Anyway, many years (and 3 movies) later I strode confidently into Mission Impossible 4: Ghost Protocol in the full knowledge that my gum would not explode and that the odds of my fiancé being Tom Cruise wearing a mask were at least below say… 30 percent.

Micah Reviews: Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol.

Ethan Hunt: legendary half shaver.

Okay so this is the fourth installment in the mission impossible series. Mission Impossible 1 is a classic in spy awesomeness everywhere. Mission Impossible 3 was a surprisingly heartfelt and very well done movie that completely resurrected the series. And Mission Impossible 2 did not happen! No! It did not. Stop. Don’t look it up.DON’T watch it. It doesn’t exist. I promise. So the first question on my mind was would this movie follow the pedigree of 1 and 3 or settle into the mound of putrid horrible that was Mission Impossible 2: Hey Look A Hot Girl. A movie that (may I remind you) does not exist.

The Plot:

The movie starts with series hero Jason Bo…. Nope. The movie starts with series hero Ethan Hunt in a prison in Russia. We don’t know why he’s in prison he just is. Needless to say, he gets very quickly broken out of prison and receives a mission from the super secret, secret society of secrets. Hunts mission is to find this guy who wants to blow up stuff and stop him from blowing up stuff. He does horribly at it though because literally within minutes of his arrival at the Kremlin (a building in Russia) it gets blowed up.

Oh also Tom Cruise climbs on a building. A really really tall building. I have no joke for this picture so... yeah... Tom Cruise looks funny.

Not only does James Bo… I mean Ethan fail to stop the blowing up but he also gets blamed for having been the blow upper. Ethan must (hitherto) escape Russian custody find his super-spy team, and capture the actual criminal before he blows up something else, namely,America.

The Positives:

     A really well spun story with a pretty solid cast of actors pulling it off. The villain is probably the weakest actor as he really fails to be very threatening but the focus of the story is on Ethan and his team so it doesn’t really take away too much from the movie. I’m generally not a huge Tom Cruise fan but Hunt is a character he knows well and does well with and series newcomer Jeremy Renner is a stellar addition who steals most of the scenes he’s in.

Jeremy Renner: Such a cool guy, such a bad suit...

Ghost Protocol manages to run two hours without really ever feeling like it runs out of steam. A couple sections tend to drag a bit (more on them later) but on the whole the movie stays interesting and twisty enough to keep you paying attention.

The Negatrons:

     Certain scenes that should be climactic feel like they stretch on just a little too much. The most guilty being the scene where Hunt chases some guy whose name I don’t remember from a Hotel. Hunt starts off running (something Tom Cruise does with all the grace of a phenomenally drunk metaphorical platypus), then runs into a sandstorm, then rides on top of the persons car, then runs again, then steals a car, chases him in the car, crashes the car, survives the crash, and then starts running again, before finally losing him. I get the idea that Ethan Hunt is a man who doesn’t give up but seeing as how he didn’t actually catch the guy, the scene felt almost hilariously too long.

In Conclusion:

             I really liked Ghost Protocol. The story was well put together, the cast was solid, and it avoided (for the most part) all the tired old spy movie clichés. These days spy movies come and go and go and come pretty quickly. Jason Bourne, James Bond, and Ethan Hunt probably being the most famous. What separates Ghost Protocol is it’s focus on the team of spies and the inclusion of an interesting new character in Jeremy Renner’s Agent Brandt. He and Tom Cruise carry a great cast with an interesting script and turn out a great movie!

I give it 4 sprinting Cruise’s out of 5.