Posts Tagged ‘Box Office’

Well hey Internet, and welcome back to Thoughts We Might Have Had and the magical moments when we as a website sit down, place our index fingers delicately upon the wrist of the box office and take a reading of:

The Box Office Top Ten 6-29-2017

Number 10: Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2

Gal2

Still not for this movie… still an awesome poster.

 

This movie’s still hanging around for some reason so… yeah. I mean if you haven’t seen this yet you clearly don’t want to and aren’t planning to but… I mean you should. It’s real real good. It’s a delightful 2 hours of cinema that very nicely builds on some established characters that we like but… ya know, you do you.

Number 9: Captain Underpants: Something Something Underpants Is a Funny Word

It’s a kids movie and it’s more or less fine. If your kid doesn’t want to watch Cars 3 because they have some self-respect and a refined cinematic pallet then… I mean you’ve got a pretty sweet kid, but Captain Underpants isn’t exactly the kid version of Citizen Kane or anything. Consequently: I officially copyright the idea for Kid Citizen Kane. Cause that’s a great idea.

Number 8: Rough Night

A very well cast comedy that’s more or less fine as far as R rated comedies go. The jokes don’t live up to the cast’s talent but… it’s more or less fine. That’s the most resounding recommendation I can muster for this.

Number 7: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Franchises Keep Telling Tales

POTC5

Dead Men also apparently use no facial cream huh Javier?

 

It’s a Pirates movie… did I review this? Did I see this??? How many Pirates movies have I reviewed/scene on this website?? No one remembers, and there’s no way to find out. Pirates of the Caribbean exists in a separate pocket dimension where people still care about Johnny Depp and don’t mind if you re-hash the same 4 jokes for two and a half hours. Don’t go near that dimension guys. Just don’t do it.

Number 6: All Eyez On Me

A dissapointingly bland story about rap Icon Tupac Shakur. Demetrius Shipp Jr. does a great job with Tupac but the rest of the movie is basically just a paint by numbers biopic which is a shame.

Number 5: The Mummy

I just did a full review of this and suffice to say: it wasn’t as bad as you’ve heard, but it’s not as good as you hoped. Man… I could have saved myself about 900 words if I’d have just written that on Tuesday huh?

Number 4: 47 Meters Down

47-meters-down1

Oh yeah… this seems like a good idea.

 

Two girls get stuck in a shark cage 47 Meters under the ocean and well… there are sharks. Honestly this is a pretty decent movie. It’s not great or anything, but it’s pretty good. Suspense. Sharks… I mean that’s really all I need.

Number 3: Cars 3

cars3

Cars 3… cause umm… I don’t know… we had to do something with these computers.

 

Cars 3 is fine. It’s a 2010 Dodge Ram with 100,000 miles. It just sort of exists. It’s not terrible, it’s not good, it just sort of gets you from point A to point B. And yes that was definitely the most relevant car reference I have ever made.

Number 2: Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is still here guys, and it’s still pretty dang great. Take your kids, take your wives, take anyone who wants to be taken to a movie theater and watch what we can now safely say is the best DC comics movie since The Dark Knight. So thanks DC. You did it. Finally. Like seriously: Finally.

Number 1: Transformers: The Last Knight

I’m out of words for Transformers movies guys. I’ve got nothing left. I’ve spent years hurling verbal insults at these movies and I’m just tired. The Last Knight still has bad writing, literally the exact same plot as every other transformers movies, sloppy action, poor pacing, and zero new ideas rattling around in its robot head. And yet, here it is at number 1. To be fair: This is the lowest opening ever for a Transformers movie so… that’s nice. But just once I want to see a Transformers movie open at number 6 or something like that… it would warm my tiny tiny heart.

last-knight-imax

Look it’s a Dragon guys!! Look, at the Dragon? You like Dragons right?? Dragons? Robot Dragons? You like that right???

 

And there you have it guys: the whole kit, the whole caboodle! If you want even more of the things my brain does why not check out my podcast at thepsv.podbean.com Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week!

Well hey Internet, happy Thursday, and welcome back to that old and familiar, delicious and nutritious family favorite: The Box Office Top Ten.

BOTT: 6/1/2017

Number 10: Beauty and the Beast

Yep… this movies still around… it’s pretty dang good… that’s all I got.

bab

Just smell that rose, Belle. The rose of all that sweet cash!

 

Number 9: The Boss Baby

Oh hey, this movies still around too! It’s pretty umm… it uh… it exists. Probably. It probably exists. We good?

Number 8: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Look, we all knew this movie probably wouldn’t be all that great. And it isn’t. The real mystery and intrigue now surrounding this movie is: will they actually make a sequel?? Cause initially this was supposed to be the first movie of some big epic sweeping movie franchise but… It’s a bad movie. It made no money. Do you make a sequel to that? Does Hollywood really have this much faith in Guy Ritchie??? Why? What has he done for you lately?? What has he done for you… ever??

ka

Yes he did give you this King Arthur. But I don’t think he can take full credit for Charlie Hunman existing.

 

Number 7: Snatched

It’s a heist movie. Don’t worry about it it’s just… it exists. You can rent this in like… a week. Don’t see it in a theater please.

Number 6: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Holy Berries Why Did We Make This???

Yeah… this is a bad sequel to a bad movie. It’s all bad all the time. It’s a bad party of badness. Full of bad.

Number 5: Everything, Everything

Something something High School Drama, something something YOLO. It’s not a bad movie but… it’s not good. It’s just a movie about some young people finding their hearts and learning about life and things. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve owned it.

ee.png

Look at all the High School they’re having!

 

Number 4: Alien: Covenant

I just did a full review of this but suffice to say: it’s probably fine. Less than good, more than bad. Less sugar than other brands.

Number 3: Baywatch

Hey, remember how we all thought making a movie out of a sketchy 90’s TV show based around the idea of “pectorals” was kind of unfortunate idea?? Yeah, we were very right guys! Go us! Not this movie. This movies the worst.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I did a full review of this too and it’s still pretty sweet Jackson guys!! I don’t know what sweet Jackson is… but this movie is that. And that is good.

Number 1: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

pr

Pirates 5 because umm… Hats? We had these hats…

 

Look guys… it’s a thing. These movies are just gonna keep being made and… I guess they’re fine. Johnny Depp is good at playing that one character over and over again isn’t he? So… yay? I guess.

And there you have it guys! The cinema landscape pre-Wonder Woman! Enjoy it while you can!

Hello Internet, so I’m (once again) all locked and loaded and full of sickness upon this night. I’m like the worlds worst Panini. Just a buch of germs crammed into a bread… for some reason. Anyway, given the fact that I am riddled with disease, I’m gonna punch that old, worn button near the command console and crank out a quick box office top ten, before collapsing into my bed and (for lack of a better word) dying.

Box Office Top Ten 1/26/2017

Number 10: The Bye Bye Man

Something something: it’s a horror movie. It’s being released in January. That’s all you really need to know about this. Horror is a VERY hit and miss genre and January is where Hollywood hides its misses. And speaking of misses:

Number 9: Sleepless

sleeplessl

In case you can’t read it the tag line there is: “Don’t Judge a Cop by his Cover.” That’s all you need to know about Sleepless.

 

Jamie Foxx stars as Liam Neeson from Taken, in a movie called Sleepless that has no plot, tons of violence, and no reason to exist.

Number 8: Patriots Day

Mark Wahlberg stars in this based on a true story movie about the Patriots day bombing in Boston. By all accounts it’s a good(albeit very cliché)’based on a true story’ movie. This is the second one of these movies Mark Wahlberg has starred in over the last 6 months which leads to the question: Does Hollywood think Mark Wahlberg is what real people look like?? Cause I’ve got news for you Hollywood… it isn’t. I mean he could definitely play me in my life story, cause we look VERY similar. I assure you. But the average, unattractive, pizza repositories of the masses?? Not so much.

Number 7: Monster Trucks

Literally the laziest idea possible for a movie. Like a 4 year old scribbled onto his dads idea notebook “Trucks+monster??” And that’s what his dad pitched. And somehow this became a movie.

mtrucks

Yup… this is a real movie.

 

Number 6: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Look, if you haven’t seen Rogue One yet… what are you doing? Who are you??? Why do you read this blog wherein I talk about virtually nothing BUT Star Wars??

Number 5: La La Land

So I think we can officially say La La Land is a real good movie, and not just an “Oscar nominated” movie. Great cast, awesome music, if you happen to live near one of the 5 theaters La La Land is playing at you should totally check it out.

Number 4: Sing

This is the only real kids movie in theaters at this point and it is (in the words of Socrates) totally fine.

Number 3: Hidden Figures

hidden_figures

This is (with no sarcasm) a very good movie.

 

Actually, this is probably the best movie on this particular list that hasn’t already been in theaters a while. Great cast, good storyline, it’s even (dare we say it) culturally relevant. If you’re in the mood for a more thinky film this is the one I recommend.

Number 2: xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Look, this movie is exactly what we thought it would be: dumb fun. With a little bit more dumb, than fun. It’s still fun… but it’s real dumb. Just be aware of that.

Number 1: Split

Look… Split is not a good movie. It’s about 2/3rds of a good movie, but in typical M. Night Shamalon fashion (yes I know I misspelled his name, no I do not care.) He’s gotten all the ingredients together for a good movie, but hasn’t actually made one. Now, it’s worth mentioning that James McAvoy turns in a fantastic performance here and that alone is reason enough to watch this but… the last act of this movie just kinda falls apart. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not a good movie. It’s a movie with a LOT of potential, and a great performance by the only cast member who really matters, but it does stumble across the finish line more than a little bit.

And there you have it friends: that done. I shall be returning to my cavern now. Fare thee well.

All right internet… after two weeks of desperately trying to ignore the entire movie industry in this particular movie month of Sucktember, I’ve finally run out of TV shows and must regrettably turn one weary eye back towards the Box Office… Oh September… what did we ever do to you?

Box Office Top Ten 9/20/2016

Number 10: Pete’s Dragon

Squeaking in at number 10 is Pete’s Dragon a pretty good kids movie that continues to survive at the box office through sheer, mind numbing lack of competition. Pete’s Dragon still exists in the top 10 because we can’t find another 11th movie. I can’t even say this is the best kids movie on the list, but it’s still on the list because no one else wants to be on the list. It’s September… and September is the worst.

Number 9: Kubo and the Two Strings

This is the kids movie to see, if you’ve got kids… who like seeing things. That are movies. Great story, great visuals, awesome voice cast: has made zero money. Because the world is a cold and cruel place, and people are dumb. Seriously, if you haven’t see this and you want to go the movies this is honestly probably the best movie to see right now.

kubo

He’s aiming at profits!!!… and missing.

 

Number 8: The Wild Life

Okay so… this is the story of Robinson Crusoe (literally he is in it) if Robinson Crusoe was written by a 10 year old… spaniel. Look, there’s nothing criminally horrible about The Wild Life (though it is pretty dang horrible,) but in a world (and a week) where we’ve come to expect more from our kids movies than just talking animals and low brow humor, The Wild Life just doesn’t cut it.

Number 7: Suicide Squad

A movie that (according to experts) continues to happen. I mean, it’s not the worst DC comics movie, it may actually be the best DC comics movie but it’s still pretty bad. Of course, the real shame is there’s a good movie with a talented cast buried somewhere underneath the horrible editing, bad script, and the huge “studio interference” sticker.

SuicideSquad

So much potential… so much waste.

 

Number 6: When the Bough Breaks

Now this, THIS is an irredeemably bad movie. Something something HORROR, SUSPENSE… something something, please never watch this.

Number 5: Don’t Breathe

A pretty decent horror movie if you’re into the “idiot kids do something stupid and then horrible things happen to them” genre. Which is a REAL specific genre.

Number 4: Snowden

Joseph Gordon-Levitt delivers a great performance in what is an otherwise bland movie. It’s not bad it’s just (as certain handsome blog owners predicted) very dry. It somehow makes one of America’s most controversial modern figures and turns him into a paint by the numbers hero without much to say. It’s not bad, it’s just not super well presented.

Number 3: Bridget Jones’s Baby

Somehow (and sadly if you’re me and hate this movie just for existing) this turned into a fine movie. Renee’ Zellweger delievers a very good performance and fans of the series will be more than please with its return. Fans of me will continue to stare at it angrily just for existing.

jones

It depresses me so much that this was a decent movie.

 

Number 2: Blair Witch

Okay, well at least one of the two, unnecessary, too late sequels sucked. And it was this one. Granted the first Blair Witch wasn’t nearly as good as we all thought it was at the time, but this Blair Witch is definitely as bad as we think it is now… I think. I’m confused. But I’m not confused about the horribly horrible badness of Blair Witch. Blair Witch: because sequels.

Number 1: Sully

The only movie at the box office that actually made any money this week, Sully tells the story of… well Sully. Tom Hanks stars as Chesley (real name) ‘Sully’ Sullenberger (no for real, that’s his name.) Who lands his plane full of passengers right on the Hudson River… and that’s a good thing.

sully

Oh sure, but when I do this with my car everyone gets SOOO upset.

 

So there you go guys, on the plus side Magnificent Seven is coming out soon and if you squint real hard you can see all those good movies coming out in November!! Come quickly good movie… come quickly.