Posts Tagged ‘The Dark Tower’

Well Internet, we’ve reached that final day of the long and lengthy list of summer questions. How’s your summer prep going? Stocked up on them sweet popsicles? Get that AC nice and C’d? Cause summer’s just around the corner friend, and Summer’s got a knife! Summer’s had some rough times and it’s been bullied by Spring a lot lately and… well… it’s going through a rough phase. Anyway, here’s some questions about some summer movies, coming this summer. In summertime.

Summer Questions 2017: Part 3

Number 1: Is Dunkirk a ‘normal’ Chris Nolan movie?

Look, I’m a huge Chris Nolan fan but all of his movies have at least one weird super natural thing. Even ones that pretended to be a normal movie (The Prestige) ended up having weird super natural twists. So, is Dunkirk really just about the historical events of the World War 2 evacuation? Or is there something MORE going on here??? Either way, I’m a billion percent in on this. Great director, great cast, awesome story, typical Christopher Nolan way of not actually telling people anything in the trailers. I’m very excited about this!


If it isn’t vaguely hinted that Dunkirk was just a dream we all had starring Leonardo DeCaprio I will be very disappointed.


Number 2: What exactly is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets? And why is it called Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets?

It’s a space movie and… I don’t know. It’s based on a thing. Besson is the famed director of The Fifth Element a movie that came out twenty years ago and he’s since spent his time making largely unimpressive action movies. The cast looks fine (though Cara Delevingne is making a strong campaign for being the next Amanda Seyfried (inexplicably cast non-actress.) It’s a big space opera thing that’s gonna do its best Guardians of the Galaxy impression so we’ll just have to see what happens with it. That said, if there’s anyone who can out mopily stare Cara Delevingne it’s Dane DeHaan who is her co-star so just be prepared to see a lot of people REALLY looking at things very hard.


If you like long mopey glances than you need look no further than these two, who have roughly the same facial reaction to space travel as I have to used cat litter.


Number 3: Can Atomic Blonde be the next John Wick?

They might as well change the name of this to Jane Wick and put all their cards on the table. That said, it looks like it’s gonna do a very good John Wick impersonation and that movie was great! The cast here looks strong, maybe it will have a better story than Wick and the action looks just as sort of ‘up close brutal’ style of Wick so I’m certainly intrigued.

Number 4: How many weird titles can we make that involve Apes? Like War for the Planet of the Apes?


I love the whole “Planet of the Apes” thing, but if you called this movie “War of the Snow Monkeys” that would be WAY better.


So we had Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and now War for the Planet of the Apes?? What’s next? Songs about the Planet of the Apes?? Actually that’s very good. Biking Through the Planet of the Apes?? Man, that’s good too. Okay I take it back. I’ll watch more of these movies. I mean, they’ve all been good, and as long as we can keep coming up with Planet of the Apes related titles I guess why not!

Number 5: How awesome will the The Dark Tower movie be??


I hope at some point during the film of this movie that child realized how lucky he was!


Awesomely awesome. Or at least… it had better be. It had better I haven’t waded through years of rumors and speculations and fake castings for this movie to be bad I’ll tell you that much!! I mean the trailer looked fantastic and I’m certainly team “Idris Elba reloading guns!” Can I shirt or something for that? Cause I’ll buy that shirt! I’ll buy two of those shirts! Can this movie come out yet? Please!!

Well there you go guys. Questions. Answered. Summer on in safety fellow friends!

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Well hey Internet, and welcome back to your usual Thursday infusion of sarcasm, cheese nibblins, and movie news! And lo, upon this Thursday, let us return to familiar fields, strewn with what grasses, and our own familiar footprints! That’s right folks: it’s time for the weekly headlines!!

Weekly Headlines 11/3/16

First off: Congratulations to Cubs nation! Winning the World Series for the first time since 1908! It was a crazy, awesome, fun season in the MLB this year and if my Red Sox couldn’t have won (which they VERY didn’t) there’s no one else who deserved it more.

Triple X: Return of Xander Cage released its first official trailer and… Ah man… this looks SO stupid, and I am SO excited. I mean come on, Vin Diesel bounces a motorized skateboard off a bus??? It’s like they just walked through a warehouse filled with things marked “X-TREME” by the 1990’s and were like “Oh yeah… were using that!” I mean let’s be clear: this will be bad. Maybe even really bad. Maybe even terribly bad. But this is the ultimate stupid guys movie. The ultimate.


Wait, is that… is that a thing we’re doing now?? The finger x’s??


Deadpool 2 has now lost both its directors and its composer over the last week or so. I mean look guys, maybe Deadpool just shouldn’t get a sequel. It was such a perfect storm of underdog, timing, and comic action it… maybe it was too beautiful. It’s SO hard to do a movie like this right and the fact that Deadpool was so good and now Deadpool 2 is having as much trouble as it seemingly is… maybe we should just be happy with the Deadpool we have guys. Granted the composers name is (and I’m not making this up) Junkie XL so… ya know it probably wasn’t a huge loss…

The Dark Tower movie was delayed from January 2017 until summer 2017. I mean this isn’t necessarily a death sentence or anything. If it was moving from the summer TO January that would be very bad, because (as we all know) January is where bad movies go to slowly and agonizingly die. Maybe they’ve decided them movie will be more of a blockbuster than they originally thought? Maybe it just needed more polish? Maybe Mathew McConaughey was too busy being in completely non-sensical car commercials with cattle or something. All in all, I’m still very excited for this and hope they do justice to what is a fantastic book series.


I refuse to believe that a movie responsible for a coat this beautiful could be evil… I mean bad.


Disney (to the surprise of no one) has officially announced that they’re making a live action Snow White movie. For most of these live action things the big concern is usually “boy I hope they don’t ruin that classic movie!” In this case, I kinda hope they do. I mean Snow White (the Disney one) is REALLLY  bad. Like so bad. And traumatizing. And nonsensical. Even other remakes/retellings of that movie have been pretty bad (the bland but not terrible Snow White and the Hunstman, and then the VERY VERRRY terribly Mirror Mirror spring to mind.)  So who knows, I mean all of the live actions Disney have done so far have been good-great so… who am I to doubt Disney’s ability to continue to basically print their own money at this point.

So Netflix released a trailer for the new Unfortunate Series of Events series they’re doing and fortunately for us all: it looked nothing like the movie! Honestly, there was very little information given in this but it looks good and I love some Neil Patrick Harris so I’m certainly intruiged. Honestly the books always felt more suited to the small screen than to trying and cram the entire thing into one movie that you cast Jim Carey in… for some reason.


A series that will corner the market on “amount of forehead”


Scandal season 6 debuts in January! That’s right everyone’s favorite series about… umm… yeah I have no idea what that shows about. It’s popular though, right? People watch that? With the scandals and the… umm… not… scandals??

Okay so… seriously guys, Agents of Shield is super good this year. Like it makes no sense at all but that show is freekin’ awesome right now. Yes, it’s season 6 and the only people who actually have any idea what’s going on are me, and SOME of the writers of the show, but it is VERY good.

So another Wonder Woman trailer came out this year and… I don’t even know anymore guys. Can DC make a good movie??? This doesn’t look like it’s gonna be bad, but I was all in on Suicide Squad and that was real bad. I feel like the thing Wonder Woman has working for it is it’s not any kind of ensemble thing. It’s an origin story that will (hopefully) not concern itself with the rest of the Justice League or the rapidly drain circling Zach Snyder-verse. It’s just an origin story. I mean the worst part of this trailer was when it started playing that horrible rock… thing that kept happing in Batman V. Superman V. People That Have the Same Name. So who knows, I’ve mostly just decided that I’m out on getting excited for DC movies until they actually make a good one. You can only fool me… what is it now… 6 times?? Before I stop believing in you DC.


Ummm… Am I the only one seeing all the X’s on this poster?? I count like… 6? No wait 7. Why all the X’s??? Wait… have you been hanging out with Vin Diesel??


Disney has beat its own record for most money grossed in a year. And they still have Dr. Strange, Moana, and Star Wars: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story: From the Star Wars that are coming out this year. Basically: give all your money to Disney guys, oh wait… you already did. They just bought you. Hey, could whoevers running Disney just go ahead and take the presidency real quick?? It doesn’t even have to be the head of Disney, any of the Disney-etts would be better than the people in this election. Literally any person at Disney. People running some of the rides at the park maybe? Anyone??




And there you have it friends and relatives. Those headlines!! Thanks for reading, and thanks again for sticking with the website for lo these many years! You all are amazing!

Well hey everyone and welcome to another classic (and increasingly ironically named) segment of: The Weekly Headlines. Starting with new on a movie that is, somehow, extremely controversial right now:

Weekly Headlines: 7/19/2016

Ghostbusters came out this last weekend and it was (in an earth shattering twist:) fine. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t terrible. It was fine. And for some reason the Internet has chosen this hill upon which to die. Look guys: it’s a movie. I don’t know what else to tell you. You can hate it, you can love it, have an opinion. But don’t hate the people who made something just cause you hate something, I’m about as bitter and sarcastic as they come and I’ve certainly made fun of my share of celebrities (Hi, Kevin James) but at what point did we cross the line to hating the people and not just the horrible movies they sometimes make? It’s just weird and sad.

Wow… that got dark. Let’s make with the jokes shall we?

‘The Secret Life of Pets’ continues to rule the box office. I mean ‘rule’ is probably a strong word… what do you call it when you run a place, but no one else really wants to run the place and you’re just kind of there by default?? Trump 2016???

Political Humor!!!

Seriously though: Secret Life of Pets is pretty good.


I fully expect my epic: It’s pretty good, endorsement to appear on the back of the DVD.


A new trailer for the Magnificent Seven reboot came out this week and guys: I am in. I mean I was already in, but now I’m WAYYY in. I miss the golden age of the Western and I’m excited that this doesn’t look like they’re doing a weird gritty re-boot where everyone looks sad and hateful and drinks pond scum from horse prints or whatever. I miss the old westerns, sure they were ridiculously innacurate to the time period, but this isn’t the History channel, and I don’t care. Super stoked for that thing.


My favorite character is: Adjusting hat man!


So guys… I have a confession: I was wrong about Star Trek: Beyond. It’s gotten fantastic reviews so far and I spend huge portions of the summer saying it looked generic and tired and like it was basically doing a poor imitation of Guardians of the Galaxy. Turns out though it’s a great return to the fun, almost episodic feel of the TV show and the cast and script both really make Beyond another worthy entry in (what my opinion) has been a super great Star Trek franchise! I mean, I loved Star Trek beyond despite all the ‘real’ Star Trek fans seething hatred because umm… Khan? I guess.

In other Star Trek news, the makers of Star Trek announced that Star Trek 4 will feature the return of Chris Hemsworth (Thor.) Yeah, you forgot he was in Star Trek 1 (the reboot) didn’t you?? In your defense he played Kirk’s dad and had roughly 2 minutes of screen time before getting all blowed up and stuff (or did he????) So he’s coming back. And you’d think if they’re announcing it this far in advance it’ll be more than just a cameo right? We’ve already seen time travel in this movie (most of the first movie in fact) but I hope this is the start of some alternate dimension stuff!! Maybe Chris Hemsworth comes from a dimension where baby Kirk and his mom died in the spaceship crash, but he lived and (just because) in that Universe Spock is EEEEVIL!!! Evil I tell you, WAHAHAHA. Ahem… Sorry. Got excited for a sec there.

The new Alien movie (Alien: Covenant) just finished filming!! What’s that?? You didn’t want a sequel to the slow, weird running Prometheus movie that didn’t make a lot of sense?? You wanted an Alien movie that actually had Aliens and moved the series in a positive direction?? Ha ha. No. You can’t have that.


Prometheus: Cause who needs sideways?


Fifty Shades Darker just started filming in Paris!! What’s that? You’re not interested in a sequel to the most horrifyingly made movie based on a book since The Host?? A movie that somehow offended both the book readers AND the non-book readers? Well… you’re getting one. Maybe don’t go see it this time huh? Cause at least SOME of you did. I know it was you Bobby!! I know it was you.

Hey, in positive movie news the Gunslinger (based on the Dark Tower series by Stephen King) continues to look awesome!! I mean look at this!

Lightroom (838A4668.JPG and 18 others)

That’ll work.

That said: this movie comes out in February of 2017. February!! Where bad and disappointing movies go to slowly deflate and died like the saddest balloon. But I mean, come on, you can’t mess up this book with this cast right? Right???

Did you guys know The Divergent Series: Allegiant comes out on DVD this week!?!?! Yeah… I didn’t care either.

Well there you go guys: them headlines!! Come on back Thursday when I open the old mailbag and answer some Star Wars fan mail!!