Posts Tagged ‘Pirates of the Caribbean’

Well hey Internet, I’m back from vacation. I was gone for a little while but probably not quite as long as you were hoping I would be.

And speaking of Pirates of the Caribbean 5…

Micah Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean 5

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PoTC 5: Because that dumb Disney ride won’t pay for itself you know.

 

Yeah, you guys didn’t even know I could get into the actual material of a blog that fast did you? You thought I was somehow morally obligated to get through 100 words before I started talking about movies didn’t you? Well no more sir! This is the newer, sleeker, less filling Thoughts We Might Have Had, where I can get into the blog as of about 8 words ago!

The Plot:

Jack is back guys! He’s a Pirate. He enjoys being a Pirate, but he is (after four movies) distinctly not very good at actual Pirating. I mean, in the first Pirates movie he was sort of accidentally good, but these days he’s actually legitimately just not very good at pirating. Anyway, it seems that long ago in a scenario in which he got his entire outfit for some reason, Jack sunk the ship of a man named Salazar and that man got resurrected by… the Aurora Borealis’s evil brother, Niles Borealis. He’s also given some fantastic hair, it’s worth mentioning but this gift of immortality and well groomed hair isn’t enough to sate Salazar’s burning desire to be a villain and he goes on a long quest to VERY roundaboutly kill Jack Sparrow without trying all that hard.

POTC5

You could swap out the cast of this movie and the cast of the 4th movie and I promise no one would notice.

 

Jack meanwhile must partner up with characters who are basically the same two pallet swapped characters he’s been partnering with throughout this franchise to chase down some super natural thing that will inevitably tempt him, but also solve all his problems. Also: Orlando Bloom is back. So that happens.

The Pros:

Look, the acting here is solid. Johnny Depp can still be a weird Pirate in a gradually increasing amount of face makeup. Geoffrey Rush at this point is an actual pirate and should play nothing but Pirates forever. Series newcomer Javier Bardem does an admirable job of really trying to make this movie be something other than another tired sequel to a franchise that got pretty dang tired a couple movies ago.

Umm… I mean it looked pretty good. Javier Bardem’s pirate hair looked pretty good. If Purt Plus ever gets tired of having women pretending to wash their hair with their products they can definitely talk to Javier about his Pirate hair… which rhymes.

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Look at the flow in that hair?? Those beautiful wavy locks!! That could be you, with just a little Pert Plus and a lot of being cursed by Satan.

 

The Cons:

This whole thing just felt so… tired. The writers didn’t really seem to care if the jokes were funny or if the plot was original, or if the characters were interesting. Someone just said: write a lot of Johnny Depp running around. And that’s what they did. They wrote just enough stuff to say “It’s a Pirates of the Caribbean movie” and then immediately stopped. If there was a line on a wall that said “You must be this tall to be a Pirates of the Carribean movie.” This movie would be exactly that tall. It’s not a bad movie per se, but it’s VERY not a good movie.

In Conclusion:

There honestly isn’t a ton to say about Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Franchises Keep Telling Tales. It just exists. It’s not good enough to merit your attention, but it isn’t really bad enough to merit your disdain. It’s a movie that (like its main hero) just sort of teeters back and forth a lot. The humor doesn’t ever really land, but it’s not terrible. The action is paint by numbers Pirates but it’s not entirely un-entertaining. Pirates of the Caribbean 5 just happens. It’s two plus hours of a movie that is (undeniably) comprised of two plus hours of materials.

I give it two Pert Plusses out of 5.

Well hey Internet, happy Thursday, and welcome back to that old and familiar, delicious and nutritious family favorite: The Box Office Top Ten.

BOTT: 6/1/2017

Number 10: Beauty and the Beast

Yep… this movies still around… it’s pretty dang good… that’s all I got.

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Just smell that rose, Belle. The rose of all that sweet cash!

 

Number 9: The Boss Baby

Oh hey, this movies still around too! It’s pretty umm… it uh… it exists. Probably. It probably exists. We good?

Number 8: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Look, we all knew this movie probably wouldn’t be all that great. And it isn’t. The real mystery and intrigue now surrounding this movie is: will they actually make a sequel?? Cause initially this was supposed to be the first movie of some big epic sweeping movie franchise but… It’s a bad movie. It made no money. Do you make a sequel to that? Does Hollywood really have this much faith in Guy Ritchie??? Why? What has he done for you lately?? What has he done for you… ever??

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Yes he did give you this King Arthur. But I don’t think he can take full credit for Charlie Hunman existing.

 

Number 7: Snatched

It’s a heist movie. Don’t worry about it it’s just… it exists. You can rent this in like… a week. Don’t see it in a theater please.

Number 6: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Holy Berries Why Did We Make This???

Yeah… this is a bad sequel to a bad movie. It’s all bad all the time. It’s a bad party of badness. Full of bad.

Number 5: Everything, Everything

Something something High School Drama, something something YOLO. It’s not a bad movie but… it’s not good. It’s just a movie about some young people finding their hearts and learning about life and things. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve owned it.

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Look at all the High School they’re having!

 

Number 4: Alien: Covenant

I just did a full review of this but suffice to say: it’s probably fine. Less than good, more than bad. Less sugar than other brands.

Number 3: Baywatch

Hey, remember how we all thought making a movie out of a sketchy 90’s TV show based around the idea of “pectorals” was kind of unfortunate idea?? Yeah, we were very right guys! Go us! Not this movie. This movies the worst.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I did a full review of this too and it’s still pretty sweet Jackson guys!! I don’t know what sweet Jackson is… but this movie is that. And that is good.

Number 1: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

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Pirates 5 because umm… Hats? We had these hats…

 

Look guys… it’s a thing. These movies are just gonna keep being made and… I guess they’re fine. Johnny Depp is good at playing that one character over and over again isn’t he? So… yay? I guess.

And there you have it guys! The cinema landscape pre-Wonder Woman! Enjoy it while you can!

Well hey everyone! Welcome back, and thanks for the patience and abundant support after the trials of Dentistry that occurred on Tuesday. You guys are the best and my mouth is actually starting to think about forgiving me for selling it into slavery. But enough of this personal struggle, enough hemming, and hawing, and hawking, let’s get right down to it and finish what I started last Thursday, namely: Pirates of the Caribbean: The Original Trilogy

All right so last time we covered The Curse of the Black Pearl and Dead Man’s Chest (go here to read that particular literary apple pie of deliciousness) which leaves us only with that stale cinematic PopTart:

Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End. 

This picture is misty and murky and it's sort of hard to tell what's going on... ya know... kinda like the movie.

This picture is misty and murky and it’s sort of hard to tell what’s going on… ya know… kinda like the movie.

The Plot:

Oh boy… Okay so remember how Jack died in the last movie by getting eaten by a Kraken? Well it seems that everyone has decided that they miss Jack (because he was the best character in the movie) and that they should really go and save him (bearing in mind that they were the ones mostly responsible for his death.) So they go to China to talk to a ship captain about… um… something. This doesn’t go super well because it turns out that the China captain has already captured Will who they sent to spy on him because that seemed like a good thing to do before they came and asked for whatever it was that they were asking for.

A fight breaks out (I should mention here that Elizabeth has somehow become a master swordsmen in between the first movie and this movie. Granted it’s been a year or so but I feel her taking on lifelong pirates is a bit of a stretch, then again she’s hotter than they are so… I guess I’m okay with it.) At the end of the fight Elizabeth and Will and Barbosa (who was brought to life at the end of the last movie by the power of “He’s one of two non-terrible characters in this trilogy”) go to Davey Jone’s Locker, slip past his gym socks and anatomy textbook, and rescue Jack who has been spending his time being increasingly more and more weird.

"We have now come to the end of Micah's Locker related humor."

“We have now come to the end of Micah’s ‘locker’ related humor.”

They escape the land of the dead but are then ambushed by the China Captain Person who was put in this movie for absolutely no reason. He thinks Elizabeth is an ancient goddess of the sea named: Calypso, he believes this because… um… she’s… a woman?? Regardless of that he’s murdered about four seconds later by Davey Jones who shows up because it seemed like a good time for him to turn up for no reason at all.

At this point a lot of things happen that I did not understand but somehow at the end of all this Elizabeth gets made the Captain of the boat, thus making her one of the Nine Pirate Lords who hold a meeting at a place called “Pirates Cove” where they talk about a lot of things that don’t make sense before deciding that they can’t do anything. We’ll come back to them later but for now we have to move on to a whole other part of the movie that is happening in a place so hilariously unrelated to this place it could be a whole different movie.

***TRANSITION***

It seems Jack has learned that whoever stabs the heart of Davy Jones becomes the next captain of the Flying Dutchmen (either Davy’s ship or an awesome name for a band). The heart is currently in the possession of Beckett, the movies Villain who is so important and SO villainous that he has barely been in the movie at all. Because Beckett has the heart, Jones is doing whatever Beckett tells him to do despite the fact that Jones will later demonstrate the ability to get the heart back whenever he wanted. Being the Captain of the Flying Dutchmen means your immortal but it also means that you can only come on land once a year and have to be spend all the rest of your time ferrying souls back and forth from this world to the next.

So anyway, all that is going on and Will is doing something that probably involves him whining a lot and making weird facial expressions whenever someone tells him something. But let’s get back to the Pirate Council people shall we?

"What does he mean weird faces?"

“What does he mean weird faces?”

***TRANSITION***

It seems the original Pirates Council used some form of Magical plot device to bind the soul of Calypso (the goddess of the ocean who is in no way Keira Knightely) and now Barbosa wants to free her so that she will fight for them (the same people who have kept her imprisoned in a human body for years and years and years) “I’m sure she’ll forgive us” says someone. “We all know how forgiving immortal women are right?” The Pirates decide to do this and then go to fight Beckett thanks to the fact that they all voted to make Elizabeth (who has all of about four minutes of actual Pirate Experience) Queen of the Pirates (largely cause she is (once again) the hottest person on the ballet.)

Also, the hat.

Also, the hat.

All of this leads to a big climactic battle sequence where all of the story threads we’ve been desperately trying to follow for the last two movies are mostly left completely untied up or are tied up using logic that only a heavily medicated person hanging upside down in a pickle, could fully understand.

Calypso (who turns out to be the Witch Doctor from the last movie because she’s the only other woman around) is freed and then uses her freedom to grow into a giant and then explode into an avalanche of crabs. Yup. Crabs. She is then, never ever heard from again.

After this there’s some big naval battle during which Will and Elizabeth who (in a sub plot nobody cared about) have been fighting for reasons so heinously illogical they make my brain hurt, decide to get married. In the battle. Yup.

After this, Jack fights Daey Jones, who then stabs Will who Jack then helps to stab the Heart of Jones so that Will doesn’t die AND takes over control of the Flying Dutchmen. The Dutchmen and the Pearl then team up to win the battle and kill Beckett who was being really really evil… somewhere… apparently off-screen.

So in the end, Will and Elizabeth (who the movie seems to think are the main characters) spend their wedding night on an island and then Will has to go back to the Flying Dutchmen and he can’t take Elizabeth with him for… reasons…  Elizabeth handles the fact that her husband can only see her once a year incredibly well, though she’s not wearing pants at the time so really how bad could things be? And that’s how the movie ends. Yay…

Some Thoughts:

This movie is exactly the reason some movies should just never be made. Not even Jack Sparrow and Barbosa are enough to redeem the pile of sour milk and expired jam that is At Worlds End. I mean a goddess is freed and explodes into crabs!!! And then disappears. Like she’s given partial credit for making a whirlpool at some point but I feel like if that’s the best she can manage that we didn’t really need to trap her in a human body. Secondly why can’t Elizabeth just go on the Flying Dutchmen with Will? I mean Will’s dad is on the flying Dutchmen and he’s fine. In fact Elizabeth, Will, Beckett, and Jack all spent SIGNIFICANT time on the Dutchmen and we’re completely fine. The reason Davey Jones got in trouble was that he wasn’t taking the Dead people back to wherever he was supposed to take them, I mean MAYBE you could make a “she would have eventually become a sea monstery thing” but surely she could have at least split her time between being on land and being on the Dutchmen, I mean everyone else in this movie did.

So there you have it, the Pirates of the Caribbean in all its nonsensical wonderness! You’re welcome America, see you Monday!

 

Ah, Pirates of the Caribbean. We love it, we hate it, we laugh at it cause it was funny, and we laugh at it because it was terrible. I already reviewed the newest movie On Stranger Tides over here, and now it’s time to try and cover all three of the original trilogy. Rather than write one hilariously long Leviticus length post though, I figure I’ll just but things off after the second movie “Dead Man’s Chest” and cover movie three “World’s End” on Monday. It’ll be hard, it’ll be confusing but as the great Mohamed Ali never said: “no pain no gain, no sea no shell, no cub no cubbie, and so on and so forth.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribean: Based off that one Disney ride no one ever goes on.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Based off that one Disney ride no one ever goes on.

The first (and inarguably the best) of the trilogy The Curse of the Black Pearl introduced us to so many awesome things… So that it could ruin them later.

The Plot:

The movie opens with a little girl standing on a boat (not entirely inappropriate for a movie about Pirates.) The girl sees a little boy drifting along on a piece of driftwood (ironically) and then shortly thereafter steals the boys necklace because (obviously) she is a girl. Also, there is a ship on fire.

Jumping forward many many years the girl (Elizabeth Somethingorother) has grown into Keira Knightely (Well done for her) and the little boy has become Legolas…. I mean Will. Will is in love with Elizabeth and Elizabeth is sort of in love with will but she doesn’t tell him because she’s an idiot and he doesn’t tell her because he’s shy. And an idiot. Elizabeth is engaged to be married to a person who will continue to show up over the course of the trilogy but who I will never ever mention because he was entirely unnecessary to anything.

And what should befall on a normal quite night in Britishville other than a bunch of pirates attacking and kidnapping Elizabeth (because of her necklace, which (you’ll remember) she stole from Will when Will was just a tiny whiny willy Will Wilford.) Will enlists the help of a pirate named Jack Sparrow who will gradually become one of the only two decent characters in the entire Trilogy.

"I see you gradually becoming more and more annoying..."

“I see you gradually becoming more and more annoying…”

Will and Jack form an uneasy friendship as they go after Elizabeth and Will expects Jack of having ulterior motives for helping, this is entirely ridiculous of course because Jack has about 400 ulterior motives which we will find out about much later in the trilogy and which will increasingly become more and more ridiculous. Primarily Jack is after his ship (the Black Pearl) the problem being that (as you may have gathered from the movies title) there is a curse on the Black Pearl that has turned her crew into undead skeletal Pirates of Doom Death, and the ship’s Captain, Barbosa, (the only other consistently good character) is not about to let Jack take his ship.

After this A LOT happens. Jack sides with the Pirates, and then unsides with the Pirates, Will and Elizabeth succeed in casually misplacing the amulet that is the only thing saving their lives, Will gets captured, Elizabeth and Jack get stuck on an island and have a brief sing along and various things are “me-heartied” “heaved hoed” and called bilge rats. This all leads to a huge, climatic swordfight in an underground cavern and Elizabeth delving into the rarely plumbed depths of corset related humor.

Some Thoughts:

This is definitely the best movie of ALL the Pirates movies. The characters (even Will and Elizabeth who later on become complete blithering morons) are all very well thought out and interesting to watch. Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbosa are still the two most fun characters to watch but the rest of the cast is really well thought out, the plot is fun and interesting, and the action (while over the top) goes so well with the rest of the movies general “over the topness” that it all blends together really well.

And as the Disney execs stood around their plunder they thought to themselves: "Oh yeah... we can totally get away with two more of these."

And as the Disney execs stood around their plunder they thought to themselves: “Oh yeah… we can totally get away with two more of these.”

The plot twists and turns and dives and spins all over the place but it never feels overly confusing or ungrounded (that would come later.) It might take you a time or two through the movie to really get all of the nuances of the plot but on the whole the movie held together really well under scrutiny and delivered a really fun, wild experience.

Pirates of the Caribean 2: Dead Man’s Chest

And this is where everything starts to go downhill…

Run Johnny Depp, save the happy memories!!

Run Johnny Depp, save the happy memories!!

The Plot:

Oi… my head hurts. Some dude named Lord Becket shows up and arrests Will and Elizabeth on their wedding day, for helping Jack in the previous movie. He lets Will go as long as he brings Jack back… I think? And then later when Will doesn’t come back Elizabeth… somehow talks Becket into letting her go and look for Will and Jack because of… stuff.

Meanwhile, Jack is running from Davey Jones who owns Foot Locker… I think. Maybe not. But anyway Davey Jones is an octopus… man… person… Octoperson… who is supposed to deliver the souls of dead pirates to the afterlife but he doesn’t do that anymore so now he and his ship (the Flying Dutchmen) and his ship’s crew are all falling apart, and look like various sea animals have super glued themselves onto their faces while they were asleep.

Slip into the murky depths... of Foot Locker!!... I still feel like I'm messing that up somewhere.

Sink into the murky depths… of Foot Locker!!… I still feel like I’m messing that up somewhere.

It seems that many years ago (before the first movie) Jack had Davey Jones save the Black Pearl from the bottom of the ocean but now that Jack has to fulfill his side of the bargain (join Octomom and his crew) he wants out of the deal. So he tricks Will into joining the crew, and Will meets his father Bootstrap Bill who supposedly drowned but it turns out just became a starfish. Wow… this is really confusing and I haven’t even GOT to half the movie.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Elizabeth is very badly disguised as a man. And she steals a ship using a dress, and a string. Yeah. That happens. Ummm… then… uhh… Jack decides he’s going to kill Davey Jones which can only be done by stabbing Jones in the heart, which would be pretty easy except Jones already cut out his heart and put it in a box. No for real.

"Oh yeah... I'm totally a boy... totally."

“Oh yeah… I’m totally a boy… totally.”

Sooooo Jack goes to talk to some hilariously stereotyped Witch Doctor (not to be confused with Which Doctor who are people that are really good with sandwiches and thus more useful).

Umm… then… there’s… a Kracken (who we never see all of) and it eats Jack, but not before Elizabeth who somehow came from somewhere… somehow. Kisses him. And then at the end of the movie Captain Barbosa is back. Because. And stuff.

Some Thoughts:

Dead Man’s Chest took everything the first movie did and did it much much much bigger. This was not a good thing. The confusing but mostly good plot of the first movie devolved into a plot so ridiculously (and needlessly) complicated that I’m still not entirely sure what happens in it or why. The fights went from slightly over the top to ridiculously over the top (featuring, need I remind you, fish-men) and somehow Will and Elizabeth went from slightly whiny but largely understandable characters to incredibly whiny characters who regularly made decisions so blatantly terrible that a half trained monkey lizard probably would have done better in the given situation.

All that said: Jack Sparrow continued to be entertaining and made the movie worth watching.

So there you have it. Two movies, one good idea. Check back Monday as I try and remember what on earth went wrong with “At World’s End!”