Posts Tagged ‘The Mummy’

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?

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You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.

 

So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.

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Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.

 

Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?

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That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.

 

Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.

Ah children of the Internet! Hello, and welcome to a special and sacred time of year. A time when we look at the year ahead with hope in our hearts… potentially for the last time. But let’s not worry about that right now. Let us instead turn our attention to what I like to call:

Micah’s Top Ten Most Anticipated Movies of 2017

But before we get to the top ten let’s… let’s talk about the DC Comics shaped elephant in the room. Namely: DC Comics.

Not appearing on the list: Justice League and Wonder Woman. Sorry guys, I refuse to get excited about DC  movies anymore. I’ve been hurt too much. Yes Wonder Woman’s trailers look really good, and sure Justice League seems like a can’t miss team up but we literally saw both of those things with these years DC movies (Suicide Squad and Batman V Superman respectively) and both of those movies ended up on my worst movies of the year list!! And so… I’m out. I really hope these are good, but I will not be excited for them. You’ve burned me too many times DC. You’ve singed my heart with many… singes. And you’ll have to earn it back… with unsinging… or something.

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Sorry lady… you seem like you’ve got a great… X. But you’ll have to let Rotten Tomatoes convince me.

 

Anway:

  1. Lego Batman/Kong: Skull Island

Yes, I’m doubling up on number 10, but that’s just because either of these two movies could go really south really fast. Lego Batman looks fine but I haven’t really seen anything to make me think it’ll be anything more than a cash in on Batman’s success in The Lego Movie. And Kong just… worries me. There’s a lot of ‘dumb action movie’ potential here and the only thing that really intrigues me about it is the cast they’ve assembled. So both of these are ‘I’ll see them if they get good reviews’ entries, and so they slunked in here at number 10.

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Keep your batwings crossed everyone.

 

  1. The Mummy

Yes, I have also been burned by the “New Age Classic Monsters” series twice now (Frankenstein and Dracula Untold) but I do love the idea of this movie, and the trailer looked very cool and they’ve at least had the gumption to put it in with the other summer blockbusters rather than burying it in the fall/spring like they did the last two. I’m cautiously optimistic on this one and I feel like worst case scenario it’ll be a fun romp movie.

  1. Spiderman: Homecoming

This movie ended up being WAY lower on this list than I thought it would be. Maybe I’m more burned out on Spiderman than I thought I was. I really like Tom Holland in the role though and I feel like the inclusion of Iron Man and Marvel studios will really give this movie a lot more to work with than the previous Spiderman series. That said: this is my third Spiderman now and eventually I’m REALLY gonna stop caring entirely.

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Also: great suit… or suite… sweet???

 

  1. Beauty and the Beast

For the most part I’ve abstained from Disney’s whole “live action classics” movement. Not because I thought they were bad (most of them were quite good) but because I felt like I had already been there and done that. The movies were fine for bouncing baby Micah, but had no place in the life of bouncy adult Micah. Beauty and the Beast though… I mean come on. It’s probably the best of the classic Disney cartoons and they literally cast the PERFECT group of people for this. I mean perfect. Look at this poster. Look at it!!

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I mean look at that cast!!!

 

So yes… I’m excited.

  1. Thor: Ragnarok

Thor 2 was not a great movie. It was a fun movie, and I had fun watching it, but it wasn’t great. But I feel like Marvel looked at that and learned from it, and thus we’re getting the first of (what I hope will be a long run of) Marvel team up movies. Teaming up Thor and Hulk was a no brainer and I’m super excited to see what this ends up looking like. The cast is great, they got rid of Natalie Portman’s character who never really felt like she did anything at all for the narrative and I’m ready to see what Loki and Thor can get up to this time around!

  1. Logan

Look… I’m not super proud of this. I mean, what have the X-men done for me lately? X-men apocalypse was terrible, the last Wolverine solo movie was… fine. Even X-men: Days of Future past didn’t exactly turn the world on its head or anything. But I’m super excited/interested to see what Logan ends up being. I’m all the way behind this if for nothing else because Hugh Jackmen has always been a great Wolverine even if the movie around him wasn’t very good. Here’s hoping we can send him off with the movie he deserves.

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I’m not in the habit of saying this… but that is an attractive old man.

 

  1. Blade Runner: 2049

I feel like if we learned anything from Star Wars: The Force Awakens it’s that Harrison Ford still has something left in the tank. Blade Runner was an interesting world, and handing off the series to Ryan Gosling is a very smart move. I’m interested to see what happens with this and the trailer has a really great feel to it! That said I don’t feel like Ridley Scott (the director of this and the original movie (and the Alien franchise)) really knows the difference between a good movie and a bad movie anymore. He’s just making movies at this point because people keep writing him checks. We’ll just have to see which side of the coin this one lands on.

  1. The Dark Tower

Goodness we’ve been waiting a long time for someone to make this movie! But it’s finally happening and the casting of Idris Elba as the Gunslinger has brought me huge amounts of joy and comfort over this movies long production process. That said, there’s a very good chance the wheels came off this at some point along the LOOOOOONNNNGGGG road to cinemas. I mean the source material is huge and complex and very well loved so… I mean there’s a real chance this’ll be bad. But I’m gonna ignore all that and just be excited that someone is finally making this movie! Here’s hoping they don’t screw up the end of the first book! Cause if they mess up the end of that book I will walk right out of that theater as fast as my bouncy legs can carry me.

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Now see… that is a cool picture.

 

  1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Love the cast, love the trailer, love the vibe and the music and… look. There are a lot of shaky bets on this top ten list but I feel very safe in saying: this movie will be a lot of fun. I don’t know if it’ll be as good as the first movie or not, but it’s gonna be just a big old bouncing ball of fun and frenetic space action! And that’ll work for me!

  1. Star Wars: Episode 8
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Star Wars Episode 8: The Next Star War

 

Yeah I know… big surprise. But what can I say guys: I’m REAL excited for this. I’m excited to re-connect with Rey and find out more of her back story, I’m excited to see what Finn gets up to with his best bro-pal Po. I’m excited to find out if Mark Hamill can make Luke into less of a dweeb and if Kylo Ren can be less of a whiny, grease headed failure. I’m just very excited for this movie. Fortunately for me: it comes out in December so… I’ll have a good long while to nurse that excitement.

And there you have it guys, probably the least surprising most anticipated movie since… well the last Star Wars movie to come out. Check back in Thursday when I do my annual wild predictions post and see how I did on my predictions for 2016!! I literally don’t remember any of them, so it’ll be a nice trip down memory lane for everyone!

Well hey Internet and welcome to another thrilling and chilling month of December. That’s right, December, the last month of 2016. And with all due respect to 2016: let’s just get this mess done shall we? Once Star Wars comes out I’m good with just skipping to the end of the year guys. Just beam me right up on our of here! But what better way to leasurely pass the time till then, than a heaping helping portion of:

The Weekly Headlines 12/15/2016

So first things first guys: Star Wars: Rogue One (A Star Wars Story: From Star Wars, and Stories) has gotten pretty dang good reviews!! That’s right fellow nerds and nerdettes, it’s safe. This isn’t Episodes 1-3 where you’ll go to a theatre and sit for 2 hours as your childhood hopes and dreams are crushed. It’s all okay. Fanboy/girl out!! We put George Lucas away, okay? He’ll never hurt you again.

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Apparently she fell asleep on a VERY uncomfortable pillow before this picture was taken.

 

The Cruella de Vil movie found it’s director in Alex Timbers this week. I mean… I’m still VERY wary of this because we all remember Maleficent, which was the last time Disney did a solo villain movie, and that movie was VERY bad. Just a train wreck of sight and sound. Hopefully this movie doesn’t feel the need to turn Cruella into some sort of tragically misunderstood villainess who… I don’t know… how exactly do you justify wanting to make a bunch of puppies into a coat and then stealing those puppies?? I mean all Maleficent wanted to do was… umm… what did Maleficent want? I mean she didn’t get invited to that party but… no that was it. Anyway, to summarize: this probably won’t be very good.

The next (and 8th) Fast and the Furious movie, “Fate of the Furious” or (and brace yourselves for this) “F8 of the Furious” released its first trailer this week. Look, I don’t understand why these movies keep getting made but at the same time they do maintain a certain level of “marginal watch-ability.” People drive cars, people punch things, people say things about family in growly voices. That’s basically the plot of every one of these movies except for “Tokyo Drift” which we all have universally decided to pretend never happened. But anyway, F8 of the Furious is happening, and I look forward to it’s inevitable sequel: “The Fast and the F9.”

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F8 of the Furious: Battle of the Balds

 

Oh hey: Moana is still number 1 at the theater. Disney basically has owned the box office since Dr. Strange came out at the beginning of November. Why do other people keep making movies at this point?

Oh other hey, remember how I said Office Christmas Party would be dumb and stupid despite its good cast? It is.

The first trailer for The Mummy starring itty bitty Tom Cruise came out recently and… I don’t know guys. It could be good? I’ve been fooled twice now by this “bring the classic monster movies” movement. The new Dracula and Frankenstein were both passable, but neither ever really reached super entertaining levels. So we’ll just see what happens with the Lady Mummy movie. Also: is Tom Cruise aging backwards somehow?? His face just looks… weird. Like they’re doing that CGI de-aging thing but hit the wrong button at some point. It’s downright unnerving.

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Is there Visine for that?

 

This has been a very un-Christmasy post so let me throw out some holiday cheer real fast: I still freekin’ hate the movie Elf. Sorry. It’s a long standing, deeply rooted loathing. It shall never be fixed. It shall never be sated.

Oh also: this movie is still happening!! So be excited about that at least!

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In less good news: you know how I said Collateral Beauty could be really good?? It really is not. Just throwing that info out there for everyone. It’s very not good, I’m sorry I talked about it so much. Frankly I’m sorry I’m talking about it right now. So I’ll probably stop at some point. Soon. Soon-ish.

In even other trailer news, Nicolas Cage’s new movie “Arsenal” and… OOOOHHH boy is it a fun train wreck of happenings!! I mean… just… the hair and the mustache and the complete and utter serenity to the great and ancient god of madness. He’s just… he’s just insane. Legitimately. Insane. And it’s wonderful.

Oh: also there’s a new trailer for Despicable Me 3… cause the gods apparently hate us all.

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WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

 

And there you have it friends and countrymen! The weekly headlines! I’ll see you next week when I promise I will give in more fully to the Christmas madness.