Posts Tagged ‘The Mummy’

Well hey Internet, and welcome back to Thoughts We Might Have Had and the magical moments when we as a website sit down, place our index fingers delicately upon the wrist of the box office and take a reading of:

The Box Office Top Ten 6-29-2017

Number 10: Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2

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Still not for this movie… still an awesome poster.

 

This movie’s still hanging around for some reason so… yeah. I mean if you haven’t seen this yet you clearly don’t want to and aren’t planning to but… I mean you should. It’s real real good. It’s a delightful 2 hours of cinema that very nicely builds on some established characters that we like but… ya know, you do you.

Number 9: Captain Underpants: Something Something Underpants Is a Funny Word

It’s a kids movie and it’s more or less fine. If your kid doesn’t want to watch Cars 3 because they have some self-respect and a refined cinematic pallet then… I mean you’ve got a pretty sweet kid, but Captain Underpants isn’t exactly the kid version of Citizen Kane or anything. Consequently: I officially copyright the idea for Kid Citizen Kane. Cause that’s a great idea.

Number 8: Rough Night

A very well cast comedy that’s more or less fine as far as R rated comedies go. The jokes don’t live up to the cast’s talent but… it’s more or less fine. That’s the most resounding recommendation I can muster for this.

Number 7: Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Franchises Keep Telling Tales

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Dead Men also apparently use no facial cream huh Javier?

 

It’s a Pirates movie… did I review this? Did I see this??? How many Pirates movies have I reviewed/scene on this website?? No one remembers, and there’s no way to find out. Pirates of the Caribbean exists in a separate pocket dimension where people still care about Johnny Depp and don’t mind if you re-hash the same 4 jokes for two and a half hours. Don’t go near that dimension guys. Just don’t do it.

Number 6: All Eyez On Me

A dissapointingly bland story about rap Icon Tupac Shakur. Demetrius Shipp Jr. does a great job with Tupac but the rest of the movie is basically just a paint by numbers biopic which is a shame.

Number 5: The Mummy

I just did a full review of this and suffice to say: it wasn’t as bad as you’ve heard, but it’s not as good as you hoped. Man… I could have saved myself about 900 words if I’d have just written that on Tuesday huh?

Number 4: 47 Meters Down

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Oh yeah… this seems like a good idea.

 

Two girls get stuck in a shark cage 47 Meters under the ocean and well… there are sharks. Honestly this is a pretty decent movie. It’s not great or anything, but it’s pretty good. Suspense. Sharks… I mean that’s really all I need.

Number 3: Cars 3

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Cars 3… cause umm… I don’t know… we had to do something with these computers.

 

Cars 3 is fine. It’s a 2010 Dodge Ram with 100,000 miles. It just sort of exists. It’s not terrible, it’s not good, it just sort of gets you from point A to point B. And yes that was definitely the most relevant car reference I have ever made.

Number 2: Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman is still here guys, and it’s still pretty dang great. Take your kids, take your wives, take anyone who wants to be taken to a movie theater and watch what we can now safely say is the best DC comics movie since The Dark Knight. So thanks DC. You did it. Finally. Like seriously: Finally.

Number 1: Transformers: The Last Knight

I’m out of words for Transformers movies guys. I’ve got nothing left. I’ve spent years hurling verbal insults at these movies and I’m just tired. The Last Knight still has bad writing, literally the exact same plot as every other transformers movies, sloppy action, poor pacing, and zero new ideas rattling around in its robot head. And yet, here it is at number 1. To be fair: This is the lowest opening ever for a Transformers movie so… that’s nice. But just once I want to see a Transformers movie open at number 6 or something like that… it would warm my tiny tiny heart.

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Look it’s a Dragon guys!! Look, at the Dragon? You like Dragons right?? Dragons? Robot Dragons? You like that right???

 

And there you have it guys: the whole kit, the whole caboodle! If you want even more of the things my brain does why not check out my podcast at thepsv.podbean.com Thanks for reading and I’ll see you next week!

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Hail and hello Internet and welcome to another classic and semi-sweet edition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. An edition in which we must ask ourselves: is Tom Cruise better than Brendan Fraser???

Yes. I mean, objectively, he just is. So… bye??

Micah Reviews: The Mummy

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The  Mummy at no point features any snakes… though it does feature some  VERY big ants.

 

The Plot:

So a long time ago in an Egypt Far Away a young girl fought with sticks on a sand pile. A lot. Like an unusual amount of stick fighting on sand. She was also the Princess of Egypt right up until a Prince of Egypt was born and made into an animated movie. The Princess wasn’t a fan of the movie though, so she killed it. By which I mean she actually murdered a person. Several persons in fact. She murders these persons so that she can be the Queen of Egypt but also because her brand new boyfriend the Egyptian god of death is a huge fan of said death and also (somewhat ironically) wants to be brought to life. But before she can do that she is stopped by some other Egyptians and then (in hopes of launching a film franchise) they turn her into a mummy! Because ladies can be mummy’s too!

Many thousands of years later Tom Cruise comes along and (for reasons far too coincidental to get into here) unearths the Mummy little Mummy house. For science reasons the Mummy is then transported to London where the Mummy crashes a plane, eats some souls, uses some mascara, and then sets her evil plan in motion to un-dead her undead boyfriend and then… conquer??? Something??

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Tom Cruise and the “Mummy House” as I have dubbed it.

 

The Positives:

Look, the Mummy isn’t a bad movie. It’s not a good movie, but it’s not bad. At the core of the Mummy is a good idea, and an interesting thought. The execution of that idea isn’t always great but the idea is still fairly solid.

The most interesting character in the movie by a long shot is the Mummy herself. Generally speaking with Monster movies the monster isn’t really a strong character but when the Mummy is onscreen she’s the one you’re paying attention to. It would have been great if the writers could have come up with a better backstory for her but… see my above sentence on: “Good ideas, bad execution.”

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Tom Cruise looks EXACTLY this bored throughout the movie.

 

The Negatrons:

Just like I don’t have a huge list of positives, I’m not gonna sit here and make a massive list of negatives. That said: the script lets what was a good idea down in a big bad way. None of the “character progression” is very progressive, character decisions are handled with casual disregard, and various stabs at humor almost always fall flat. Like the writers of the script sort of copied and pasted together the scripts like a kidnapper using a magazine and none of the lines really have any particular flair or purpose behind them.

As interesting as The Mummy is, the rest of the characters in the movie fail to distinguish themselves in any way. Except for the main love interest ‘Jenny’ her only distinguishes herself by falling in love with Tom Cruises’ character for absolutely no reason and then having her name yelled roughly 7000 times by Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise doesn’t do anything really great in this movie but he also doesn’t really have much to work with other than shouting Jenny’s name over and over and over again.

In Conclusion:

The Mummy is a perfectly fine movie. It’s not overly good. It’s not terrible. It’s a shame because there was a good idea for a movie somewhere underneath the bland scripting and middle of the road action. I can’t say you should run out and see it instantly but there are some good things happening in here.

I give it 2 screaming Jenny’s out of 5

Well hey audience! Welcome to Thursday, you did the thing… mostly. I mean sure it’s not REALLY the weekend yet, but Friday is basically just Weekend Lite. Nothing truly profitable has ever happened on a Friday. Friday’s are just days for half way doing things that you will inevitably have to re-do on Monday anyway.

The Weekly Headlines 6/15/2017

Jessica Chastain is in talks for the villain role in the upcoming ‘X-men: Dark Phoenix (what do you mean we already made Dark Phoenix.)’ Do we HAVE to make this movie guys? I mean… I mean really can we just leave the X-men alone for a little bit? Also, you guys are aware that there are other X-men stories than Dark Phoenix right?? We’ve done this one twice now and neither time has it worked. So now we’ve got an unremarkable cast, telling a tired story, that the audience is tired of. Nothing about this movie interests me. Literally nothing. I just don’t care anymore X-men, go home take a nap, check in with me in a few years.

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Remember these boring people??? Well… they’re back. Apparently. Yay…

 

Oh hey, speaking of things I don’t care at all about, Cars 3. That’s happening this week. Cars 3 is really going for the Nascar sort of “sit through 10 hours of nothing for like a ten minute stretch of interesting things, during which somebody probably got hurt real bad. In this case the injury occurring to me: the person watching it.

The “Dark Universe” as we’re apparently calling it now took a hit this week when ‘The Mummy’ failed to make even a tiny bit of ‘The Money.’ For those of you who don’t know ‘The Dark Universe’ is what Universal studios is calling it’s new Monster Franchise and when I say ‘new’ I mean new! They tried this with Dracula Untold and it failed, so they semi-tried it again with Frankenstein which also tanked but if Universal studios has learned anything over it’s years as a viable movie making company it’s that constant colossal failure doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do the exact same thing again. Included in the Dark Universe Monster Mash are The Mummy (sort of), Frankenstein(‘s Bride), the Invisible Man (as played by Johnny Depp for some reason,) Dracula (a new one… again) Dr. Jekyll, the creature from the Black Lagoon (cause apparently that is still a thing that exists) and then just to make the creature from the Black Lagoon look less fantastically out of place they’ve also included The Phantom of the Opera and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Wait, what????? The Hunchback of Notre Dame isn’t a supernatural character even a little bit. He’s a deformed creature with a heart of gold who may or may not marry a gypsy woman depending on what version you’re watching. And the Phantom of the Opera??? He’s just a guy with some acne, who happens to know a lot about one specific theater, and stalks a girl!!! That’s not a supernatural force of darkness. That’s like… most Best Buy employee. We all thought this was a really bad idea when you were just going to team up the good monsters in a shameless attempt to mimic the Avengers. Now you’re including irrelevant characters who are almost hilariously outgunned?? Wait that’s Hawkeye isn’t it?? Anyway: this is a terrible idea.

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The members of the Dark Universe everyone… or at least… three to four of the good to okay ones.

 

The first trailer for Goodby Christopher Robin came out this week and punched me right in the childhood. Maybe that’s why I just wrote a 200 word rant insulting most of the employees of a national electronic story. Maybe I’m also hungry I don’t know. This movie looks good though!

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I just… the tears…. I can’t.

 

Oh also a trailer came out for ‘Daddy’s Home 2’ because why settle for just one cinematic garbage fire when you can make a second, bigger one!!

Seriously, I am salty today… hang on let me try and find something positive to end on umm… Oh yeah: Wonder Woman is at the top spot in the box office again guys and that’s great! DC finally made a good movie, women everywhere finally got a decent solo film, yay for positives!

There you have it guys, thanks for reading and hey, if you were ever curious about the tiny island called Guam that I grew up on give the latest episode of my podcast a listen! We talk about some real weird legends and just a little bit about my fear of water. Thepsv.podbean.com

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?

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You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.

 

So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.

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Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.

 

Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?

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That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.

 

Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.

Ah children of the Internet! Hello, and welcome to a special and sacred time of year. A time when we look at the year ahead with hope in our hearts… potentially for the last time. But let’s not worry about that right now. Let us instead turn our attention to what I like to call:

Micah’s Top Ten Most Anticipated Movies of 2017

But before we get to the top ten let’s… let’s talk about the DC Comics shaped elephant in the room. Namely: DC Comics.

Not appearing on the list: Justice League and Wonder Woman. Sorry guys, I refuse to get excited about DC  movies anymore. I’ve been hurt too much. Yes Wonder Woman’s trailers look really good, and sure Justice League seems like a can’t miss team up but we literally saw both of those things with these years DC movies (Suicide Squad and Batman V Superman respectively) and both of those movies ended up on my worst movies of the year list!! And so… I’m out. I really hope these are good, but I will not be excited for them. You’ve burned me too many times DC. You’ve singed my heart with many… singes. And you’ll have to earn it back… with unsinging… or something.

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Sorry lady… you seem like you’ve got a great… X. But you’ll have to let Rotten Tomatoes convince me.

 

Anway:

  1. Lego Batman/Kong: Skull Island

Yes, I’m doubling up on number 10, but that’s just because either of these two movies could go really south really fast. Lego Batman looks fine but I haven’t really seen anything to make me think it’ll be anything more than a cash in on Batman’s success in The Lego Movie. And Kong just… worries me. There’s a lot of ‘dumb action movie’ potential here and the only thing that really intrigues me about it is the cast they’ve assembled. So both of these are ‘I’ll see them if they get good reviews’ entries, and so they slunked in here at number 10.

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Keep your batwings crossed everyone.

 

  1. The Mummy

Yes, I have also been burned by the “New Age Classic Monsters” series twice now (Frankenstein and Dracula Untold) but I do love the idea of this movie, and the trailer looked very cool and they’ve at least had the gumption to put it in with the other summer blockbusters rather than burying it in the fall/spring like they did the last two. I’m cautiously optimistic on this one and I feel like worst case scenario it’ll be a fun romp movie.

  1. Spiderman: Homecoming

This movie ended up being WAY lower on this list than I thought it would be. Maybe I’m more burned out on Spiderman than I thought I was. I really like Tom Holland in the role though and I feel like the inclusion of Iron Man and Marvel studios will really give this movie a lot more to work with than the previous Spiderman series. That said: this is my third Spiderman now and eventually I’m REALLY gonna stop caring entirely.

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Also: great suit… or suite… sweet???

 

  1. Beauty and the Beast

For the most part I’ve abstained from Disney’s whole “live action classics” movement. Not because I thought they were bad (most of them were quite good) but because I felt like I had already been there and done that. The movies were fine for bouncing baby Micah, but had no place in the life of bouncy adult Micah. Beauty and the Beast though… I mean come on. It’s probably the best of the classic Disney cartoons and they literally cast the PERFECT group of people for this. I mean perfect. Look at this poster. Look at it!!

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I mean look at that cast!!!

 

So yes… I’m excited.

  1. Thor: Ragnarok

Thor 2 was not a great movie. It was a fun movie, and I had fun watching it, but it wasn’t great. But I feel like Marvel looked at that and learned from it, and thus we’re getting the first of (what I hope will be a long run of) Marvel team up movies. Teaming up Thor and Hulk was a no brainer and I’m super excited to see what this ends up looking like. The cast is great, they got rid of Natalie Portman’s character who never really felt like she did anything at all for the narrative and I’m ready to see what Loki and Thor can get up to this time around!

  1. Logan

Look… I’m not super proud of this. I mean, what have the X-men done for me lately? X-men apocalypse was terrible, the last Wolverine solo movie was… fine. Even X-men: Days of Future past didn’t exactly turn the world on its head or anything. But I’m super excited/interested to see what Logan ends up being. I’m all the way behind this if for nothing else because Hugh Jackmen has always been a great Wolverine even if the movie around him wasn’t very good. Here’s hoping we can send him off with the movie he deserves.

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I’m not in the habit of saying this… but that is an attractive old man.

 

  1. Blade Runner: 2049

I feel like if we learned anything from Star Wars: The Force Awakens it’s that Harrison Ford still has something left in the tank. Blade Runner was an interesting world, and handing off the series to Ryan Gosling is a very smart move. I’m interested to see what happens with this and the trailer has a really great feel to it! That said I don’t feel like Ridley Scott (the director of this and the original movie (and the Alien franchise)) really knows the difference between a good movie and a bad movie anymore. He’s just making movies at this point because people keep writing him checks. We’ll just have to see which side of the coin this one lands on.

  1. The Dark Tower

Goodness we’ve been waiting a long time for someone to make this movie! But it’s finally happening and the casting of Idris Elba as the Gunslinger has brought me huge amounts of joy and comfort over this movies long production process. That said, there’s a very good chance the wheels came off this at some point along the LOOOOOONNNNGGGG road to cinemas. I mean the source material is huge and complex and very well loved so… I mean there’s a real chance this’ll be bad. But I’m gonna ignore all that and just be excited that someone is finally making this movie! Here’s hoping they don’t screw up the end of the first book! Cause if they mess up the end of that book I will walk right out of that theater as fast as my bouncy legs can carry me.

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Now see… that is a cool picture.

 

  1. Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

Love the cast, love the trailer, love the vibe and the music and… look. There are a lot of shaky bets on this top ten list but I feel very safe in saying: this movie will be a lot of fun. I don’t know if it’ll be as good as the first movie or not, but it’s gonna be just a big old bouncing ball of fun and frenetic space action! And that’ll work for me!

  1. Star Wars: Episode 8
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Star Wars Episode 8: The Next Star War

 

Yeah I know… big surprise. But what can I say guys: I’m REAL excited for this. I’m excited to re-connect with Rey and find out more of her back story, I’m excited to see what Finn gets up to with his best bro-pal Po. I’m excited to find out if Mark Hamill can make Luke into less of a dweeb and if Kylo Ren can be less of a whiny, grease headed failure. I’m just very excited for this movie. Fortunately for me: it comes out in December so… I’ll have a good long while to nurse that excitement.

And there you have it guys, probably the least surprising most anticipated movie since… well the last Star Wars movie to come out. Check back in Thursday when I do my annual wild predictions post and see how I did on my predictions for 2016!! I literally don’t remember any of them, so it’ll be a nice trip down memory lane for everyone!

Well hey Internet and welcome to another thrilling and chilling month of December. That’s right, December, the last month of 2016. And with all due respect to 2016: let’s just get this mess done shall we? Once Star Wars comes out I’m good with just skipping to the end of the year guys. Just beam me right up on our of here! But what better way to leasurely pass the time till then, than a heaping helping portion of:

The Weekly Headlines 12/15/2016

So first things first guys: Star Wars: Rogue One (A Star Wars Story: From Star Wars, and Stories) has gotten pretty dang good reviews!! That’s right fellow nerds and nerdettes, it’s safe. This isn’t Episodes 1-3 where you’ll go to a theatre and sit for 2 hours as your childhood hopes and dreams are crushed. It’s all okay. Fanboy/girl out!! We put George Lucas away, okay? He’ll never hurt you again.

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Apparently she fell asleep on a VERY uncomfortable pillow before this picture was taken.

 

The Cruella de Vil movie found it’s director in Alex Timbers this week. I mean… I’m still VERY wary of this because we all remember Maleficent, which was the last time Disney did a solo villain movie, and that movie was VERY bad. Just a train wreck of sight and sound. Hopefully this movie doesn’t feel the need to turn Cruella into some sort of tragically misunderstood villainess who… I don’t know… how exactly do you justify wanting to make a bunch of puppies into a coat and then stealing those puppies?? I mean all Maleficent wanted to do was… umm… what did Maleficent want? I mean she didn’t get invited to that party but… no that was it. Anyway, to summarize: this probably won’t be very good.

The next (and 8th) Fast and the Furious movie, “Fate of the Furious” or (and brace yourselves for this) “F8 of the Furious” released its first trailer this week. Look, I don’t understand why these movies keep getting made but at the same time they do maintain a certain level of “marginal watch-ability.” People drive cars, people punch things, people say things about family in growly voices. That’s basically the plot of every one of these movies except for “Tokyo Drift” which we all have universally decided to pretend never happened. But anyway, F8 of the Furious is happening, and I look forward to it’s inevitable sequel: “The Fast and the F9.”

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F8 of the Furious: Battle of the Balds

 

Oh hey: Moana is still number 1 at the theater. Disney basically has owned the box office since Dr. Strange came out at the beginning of November. Why do other people keep making movies at this point?

Oh other hey, remember how I said Office Christmas Party would be dumb and stupid despite its good cast? It is.

The first trailer for The Mummy starring itty bitty Tom Cruise came out recently and… I don’t know guys. It could be good? I’ve been fooled twice now by this “bring the classic monster movies” movement. The new Dracula and Frankenstein were both passable, but neither ever really reached super entertaining levels. So we’ll just see what happens with the Lady Mummy movie. Also: is Tom Cruise aging backwards somehow?? His face just looks… weird. Like they’re doing that CGI de-aging thing but hit the wrong button at some point. It’s downright unnerving.

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Is there Visine for that?

 

This has been a very un-Christmasy post so let me throw out some holiday cheer real fast: I still freekin’ hate the movie Elf. Sorry. It’s a long standing, deeply rooted loathing. It shall never be fixed. It shall never be sated.

Oh also: this movie is still happening!! So be excited about that at least!

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In less good news: you know how I said Collateral Beauty could be really good?? It really is not. Just throwing that info out there for everyone. It’s very not good, I’m sorry I talked about it so much. Frankly I’m sorry I’m talking about it right now. So I’ll probably stop at some point. Soon. Soon-ish.

In even other trailer news, Nicolas Cage’s new movie “Arsenal” and… OOOOHHH boy is it a fun train wreck of happenings!! I mean… just… the hair and the mustache and the complete and utter serenity to the great and ancient god of madness. He’s just… he’s just insane. Legitimately. Insane. And it’s wonderful.

Oh: also there’s a new trailer for Despicable Me 3… cause the gods apparently hate us all.

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WWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

 

And there you have it friends and countrymen! The weekly headlines! I’ll see you next week when I promise I will give in more fully to the Christmas madness.