Posts Tagged ‘Pirates of the Caribbean Review’

Well hey Internet, I’m back from vacation. I was gone for a little while but probably not quite as long as you were hoping I would be.

And speaking of Pirates of the Caribbean 5…

Micah Reviews: Pirates of the Caribbean 5


PoTC 5: Because that dumb Disney ride won’t pay for itself you know.


Yeah, you guys didn’t even know I could get into the actual material of a blog that fast did you? You thought I was somehow morally obligated to get through 100 words before I started talking about movies didn’t you? Well no more sir! This is the newer, sleeker, less filling Thoughts We Might Have Had, where I can get into the blog as of about 8 words ago!

The Plot:

Jack is back guys! He’s a Pirate. He enjoys being a Pirate, but he is (after four movies) distinctly not very good at actual Pirating. I mean, in the first Pirates movie he was sort of accidentally good, but these days he’s actually legitimately just not very good at pirating. Anyway, it seems that long ago in a scenario in which he got his entire outfit for some reason, Jack sunk the ship of a man named Salazar and that man got resurrected by… the Aurora Borealis’s evil brother, Niles Borealis. He’s also given some fantastic hair, it’s worth mentioning but this gift of immortality and well groomed hair isn’t enough to sate Salazar’s burning desire to be a villain and he goes on a long quest to VERY roundaboutly kill Jack Sparrow without trying all that hard.


You could swap out the cast of this movie and the cast of the 4th movie and I promise no one would notice.


Jack meanwhile must partner up with characters who are basically the same two pallet swapped characters he’s been partnering with throughout this franchise to chase down some super natural thing that will inevitably tempt him, but also solve all his problems. Also: Orlando Bloom is back. So that happens.

The Pros:

Look, the acting here is solid. Johnny Depp can still be a weird Pirate in a gradually increasing amount of face makeup. Geoffrey Rush at this point is an actual pirate and should play nothing but Pirates forever. Series newcomer Javier Bardem does an admirable job of really trying to make this movie be something other than another tired sequel to a franchise that got pretty dang tired a couple movies ago.

Umm… I mean it looked pretty good. Javier Bardem’s pirate hair looked pretty good. If Purt Plus ever gets tired of having women pretending to wash their hair with their products they can definitely talk to Javier about his Pirate hair… which rhymes.


Look at the flow in that hair?? Those beautiful wavy locks!! That could be you, with just a little Pert Plus and a lot of being cursed by Satan.


The Cons:

This whole thing just felt so… tired. The writers didn’t really seem to care if the jokes were funny or if the plot was original, or if the characters were interesting. Someone just said: write a lot of Johnny Depp running around. And that’s what they did. They wrote just enough stuff to say “It’s a Pirates of the Caribbean movie” and then immediately stopped. If there was a line on a wall that said “You must be this tall to be a Pirates of the Carribean movie.” This movie would be exactly that tall. It’s not a bad movie per se, but it’s VERY not a good movie.

In Conclusion:

There honestly isn’t a ton to say about Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Franchises Keep Telling Tales. It just exists. It’s not good enough to merit your attention, but it isn’t really bad enough to merit your disdain. It’s a movie that (like its main hero) just sort of teeters back and forth a lot. The humor doesn’t ever really land, but it’s not terrible. The action is paint by numbers Pirates but it’s not entirely un-entertaining. Pirates of the Caribbean 5 just happens. It’s two plus hours of a movie that is (undeniably) comprised of two plus hours of materials.

I give it two Pert Plusses out of 5.


Ah, Pirates of the Caribbean. We love it, we hate it, we laugh at it cause it was funny, and we laugh at it because it was terrible. I already reviewed the newest movie On Stranger Tides over here, and now it’s time to try and cover all three of the original trilogy. Rather than write one hilariously long Leviticus length post though, I figure I’ll just but things off after the second movie “Dead Man’s Chest” and cover movie three “World’s End” on Monday. It’ll be hard, it’ll be confusing but as the great Mohamed Ali never said: “no pain no gain, no sea no shell, no cub no cubbie, and so on and so forth.”

Pirates of the Caribbean: The Curse of the Black Pearl

Pirates of the Caribean: Based off that one Disney ride no one ever goes on.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Based off that one Disney ride no one ever goes on.

The first (and inarguably the best) of the trilogy The Curse of the Black Pearl introduced us to so many awesome things… So that it could ruin them later.

The Plot:

The movie opens with a little girl standing on a boat (not entirely inappropriate for a movie about Pirates.) The girl sees a little boy drifting along on a piece of driftwood (ironically) and then shortly thereafter steals the boys necklace because (obviously) she is a girl. Also, there is a ship on fire.

Jumping forward many many years the girl (Elizabeth Somethingorother) has grown into Keira Knightely (Well done for her) and the little boy has become Legolas…. I mean Will. Will is in love with Elizabeth and Elizabeth is sort of in love with will but she doesn’t tell him because she’s an idiot and he doesn’t tell her because he’s shy. And an idiot. Elizabeth is engaged to be married to a person who will continue to show up over the course of the trilogy but who I will never ever mention because he was entirely unnecessary to anything.

And what should befall on a normal quite night in Britishville other than a bunch of pirates attacking and kidnapping Elizabeth (because of her necklace, which (you’ll remember) she stole from Will when Will was just a tiny whiny willy Will Wilford.) Will enlists the help of a pirate named Jack Sparrow who will gradually become one of the only two decent characters in the entire Trilogy.

"I see you gradually becoming more and more annoying..."

“I see you gradually becoming more and more annoying…”

Will and Jack form an uneasy friendship as they go after Elizabeth and Will expects Jack of having ulterior motives for helping, this is entirely ridiculous of course because Jack has about 400 ulterior motives which we will find out about much later in the trilogy and which will increasingly become more and more ridiculous. Primarily Jack is after his ship (the Black Pearl) the problem being that (as you may have gathered from the movies title) there is a curse on the Black Pearl that has turned her crew into undead skeletal Pirates of Doom Death, and the ship’s Captain, Barbosa, (the only other consistently good character) is not about to let Jack take his ship.

After this A LOT happens. Jack sides with the Pirates, and then unsides with the Pirates, Will and Elizabeth succeed in casually misplacing the amulet that is the only thing saving their lives, Will gets captured, Elizabeth and Jack get stuck on an island and have a brief sing along and various things are “me-heartied” “heaved hoed” and called bilge rats. This all leads to a huge, climatic swordfight in an underground cavern and Elizabeth delving into the rarely plumbed depths of corset related humor.

Some Thoughts:

This is definitely the best movie of ALL the Pirates movies. The characters (even Will and Elizabeth who later on become complete blithering morons) are all very well thought out and interesting to watch. Jack Sparrow and Captain Barbosa are still the two most fun characters to watch but the rest of the cast is really well thought out, the plot is fun and interesting, and the action (while over the top) goes so well with the rest of the movies general “over the topness” that it all blends together really well.

And as the Disney execs stood around their plunder they thought to themselves: "Oh yeah... we can totally get away with two more of these."

And as the Disney execs stood around their plunder they thought to themselves: “Oh yeah… we can totally get away with two more of these.”

The plot twists and turns and dives and spins all over the place but it never feels overly confusing or ungrounded (that would come later.) It might take you a time or two through the movie to really get all of the nuances of the plot but on the whole the movie held together really well under scrutiny and delivered a really fun, wild experience.

Pirates of the Caribean 2: Dead Man’s Chest

And this is where everything starts to go downhill…

Run Johnny Depp, save the happy memories!!

Run Johnny Depp, save the happy memories!!

The Plot:

Oi… my head hurts. Some dude named Lord Becket shows up and arrests Will and Elizabeth on their wedding day, for helping Jack in the previous movie. He lets Will go as long as he brings Jack back… I think? And then later when Will doesn’t come back Elizabeth… somehow talks Becket into letting her go and look for Will and Jack because of… stuff.

Meanwhile, Jack is running from Davey Jones who owns Foot Locker… I think. Maybe not. But anyway Davey Jones is an octopus… man… person… Octoperson… who is supposed to deliver the souls of dead pirates to the afterlife but he doesn’t do that anymore so now he and his ship (the Flying Dutchmen) and his ship’s crew are all falling apart, and look like various sea animals have super glued themselves onto their faces while they were asleep.

Slip into the murky depths... of Foot Locker!!... I still feel like I'm messing that up somewhere.

Sink into the murky depths… of Foot Locker!!… I still feel like I’m messing that up somewhere.

It seems that many years ago (before the first movie) Jack had Davey Jones save the Black Pearl from the bottom of the ocean but now that Jack has to fulfill his side of the bargain (join Octomom and his crew) he wants out of the deal. So he tricks Will into joining the crew, and Will meets his father Bootstrap Bill who supposedly drowned but it turns out just became a starfish. Wow… this is really confusing and I haven’t even GOT to half the movie.

Meanwhile meanwhile, Elizabeth is very badly disguised as a man. And she steals a ship using a dress, and a string. Yeah. That happens. Ummm… then… uhh… Jack decides he’s going to kill Davey Jones which can only be done by stabbing Jones in the heart, which would be pretty easy except Jones already cut out his heart and put it in a box. No for real.

"Oh yeah... I'm totally a boy... totally."

“Oh yeah… I’m totally a boy… totally.”

Sooooo Jack goes to talk to some hilariously stereotyped Witch Doctor (not to be confused with Which Doctor who are people that are really good with sandwiches and thus more useful).

Umm… then… there’s… a Kracken (who we never see all of) and it eats Jack, but not before Elizabeth who somehow came from somewhere… somehow. Kisses him. And then at the end of the movie Captain Barbosa is back. Because. And stuff.

Some Thoughts:

Dead Man’s Chest took everything the first movie did and did it much much much bigger. This was not a good thing. The confusing but mostly good plot of the first movie devolved into a plot so ridiculously (and needlessly) complicated that I’m still not entirely sure what happens in it or why. The fights went from slightly over the top to ridiculously over the top (featuring, need I remind you, fish-men) and somehow Will and Elizabeth went from slightly whiny but largely understandable characters to incredibly whiny characters who regularly made decisions so blatantly terrible that a half trained monkey lizard probably would have done better in the given situation.

All that said: Jack Sparrow continued to be entertaining and made the movie worth watching.

So there you have it. Two movies, one good idea. Check back Monday as I try and remember what on earth went wrong with “At World’s End!”