Posts Tagged ‘Top Ten’

Well hey Internet, happy Thursday, and welcome back to that old and familiar, delicious and nutritious family favorite: The Box Office Top Ten.

BOTT: 6/1/2017

Number 10: Beauty and the Beast

Yep… this movies still around… it’s pretty dang good… that’s all I got.

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Just smell that rose, Belle. The rose of all that sweet cash!

 

Number 9: The Boss Baby

Oh hey, this movies still around too! It’s pretty umm… it uh… it exists. Probably. It probably exists. We good?

Number 8: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Look, we all knew this movie probably wouldn’t be all that great. And it isn’t. The real mystery and intrigue now surrounding this movie is: will they actually make a sequel?? Cause initially this was supposed to be the first movie of some big epic sweeping movie franchise but… It’s a bad movie. It made no money. Do you make a sequel to that? Does Hollywood really have this much faith in Guy Ritchie??? Why? What has he done for you lately?? What has he done for you… ever??

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Yes he did give you this King Arthur. But I don’t think he can take full credit for Charlie Hunman existing.

 

Number 7: Snatched

It’s a heist movie. Don’t worry about it it’s just… it exists. You can rent this in like… a week. Don’t see it in a theater please.

Number 6: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Holy Berries Why Did We Make This???

Yeah… this is a bad sequel to a bad movie. It’s all bad all the time. It’s a bad party of badness. Full of bad.

Number 5: Everything, Everything

Something something High School Drama, something something YOLO. It’s not a bad movie but… it’s not good. It’s just a movie about some young people finding their hearts and learning about life and things. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve owned it.

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Look at all the High School they’re having!

 

Number 4: Alien: Covenant

I just did a full review of this but suffice to say: it’s probably fine. Less than good, more than bad. Less sugar than other brands.

Number 3: Baywatch

Hey, remember how we all thought making a movie out of a sketchy 90’s TV show based around the idea of “pectorals” was kind of unfortunate idea?? Yeah, we were very right guys! Go us! Not this movie. This movies the worst.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I did a full review of this too and it’s still pretty sweet Jackson guys!! I don’t know what sweet Jackson is… but this movie is that. And that is good.

Number 1: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

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Pirates 5 because umm… Hats? We had these hats…

 

Look guys… it’s a thing. These movies are just gonna keep being made and… I guess they’re fine. Johnny Depp is good at playing that one character over and over again isn’t he? So… yay? I guess.

And there you have it guys! The cinema landscape pre-Wonder Woman! Enjoy it while you can!

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Hello Internet, so I’m (once again) all locked and loaded and full of sickness upon this night. I’m like the worlds worst Panini. Just a buch of germs crammed into a bread… for some reason. Anyway, given the fact that I am riddled with disease, I’m gonna punch that old, worn button near the command console and crank out a quick box office top ten, before collapsing into my bed and (for lack of a better word) dying.

Box Office Top Ten 1/26/2017

Number 10: The Bye Bye Man

Something something: it’s a horror movie. It’s being released in January. That’s all you really need to know about this. Horror is a VERY hit and miss genre and January is where Hollywood hides its misses. And speaking of misses:

Number 9: Sleepless

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In case you can’t read it the tag line there is: “Don’t Judge a Cop by his Cover.” That’s all you need to know about Sleepless.

 

Jamie Foxx stars as Liam Neeson from Taken, in a movie called Sleepless that has no plot, tons of violence, and no reason to exist.

Number 8: Patriots Day

Mark Wahlberg stars in this based on a true story movie about the Patriots day bombing in Boston. By all accounts it’s a good(albeit very cliché)’based on a true story’ movie. This is the second one of these movies Mark Wahlberg has starred in over the last 6 months which leads to the question: Does Hollywood think Mark Wahlberg is what real people look like?? Cause I’ve got news for you Hollywood… it isn’t. I mean he could definitely play me in my life story, cause we look VERY similar. I assure you. But the average, unattractive, pizza repositories of the masses?? Not so much.

Number 7: Monster Trucks

Literally the laziest idea possible for a movie. Like a 4 year old scribbled onto his dads idea notebook “Trucks+monster??” And that’s what his dad pitched. And somehow this became a movie.

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Yup… this is a real movie.

 

Number 6: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Look, if you haven’t seen Rogue One yet… what are you doing? Who are you??? Why do you read this blog wherein I talk about virtually nothing BUT Star Wars??

Number 5: La La Land

So I think we can officially say La La Land is a real good movie, and not just an “Oscar nominated” movie. Great cast, awesome music, if you happen to live near one of the 5 theaters La La Land is playing at you should totally check it out.

Number 4: Sing

This is the only real kids movie in theaters at this point and it is (in the words of Socrates) totally fine.

Number 3: Hidden Figures

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This is (with no sarcasm) a very good movie.

 

Actually, this is probably the best movie on this particular list that hasn’t already been in theaters a while. Great cast, good storyline, it’s even (dare we say it) culturally relevant. If you’re in the mood for a more thinky film this is the one I recommend.

Number 2: xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Look, this movie is exactly what we thought it would be: dumb fun. With a little bit more dumb, than fun. It’s still fun… but it’s real dumb. Just be aware of that.

Number 1: Split

Look… Split is not a good movie. It’s about 2/3rds of a good movie, but in typical M. Night Shamalon fashion (yes I know I misspelled his name, no I do not care.) He’s gotten all the ingredients together for a good movie, but hasn’t actually made one. Now, it’s worth mentioning that James McAvoy turns in a fantastic performance here and that alone is reason enough to watch this but… the last act of this movie just kinda falls apart. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not a good movie. It’s a movie with a LOT of potential, and a great performance by the only cast member who really matters, but it does stumble across the finish line more than a little bit.

And there you have it friends: that done. I shall be returning to my cavern now. Fare thee well.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to a very special additional edition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. So about a year ago… in fact almost exactly a year ago, in an odd and unplanned bit of consistency, I wrote about Mystery Science Theater 3000 (or MST3K as we cool kids call it.) Well, today I thought I’d sit down and write about the spiritual, physical, and tentacle successor: RiffTrax.

So Rifftrax was started in 2006 by Mike Nelson, the head writer and head… head of MST3K. Over the years since then he’s been joined by Kevin Murphy and Bill Corbet two of the main writers/characters from said Mysteries and Sciences. But enough of these borings facts and fact like soy substitutes. Let’s make with the listings.

Top Ten Rifftrax Riffs

For the uninitiated, Rifftrax (like MST3K before it) specializes in the commentating and humorfication of bad movies. Think of it like watching movies with your weird friend who talks during movies, except you hate him less and he’s really funny and doesn’t mysteriously smell like your grandmother’s perfume. Why are you friends with that guy anyway?? The jerk. That may not have been the best mental image ever, huh?

Weird and potentially harmful comparisons aside, here is a list of the ten best rifftrax features! It’s worth noting that they do have a great collection of shorts the highlights of which are the “At your Fingertips” series and the occasional guest appearance by Mary Jo Pehl and Bridget Nelson (also MST3K alumni.) But enough of this ado about nothing,  let’s start doing what we do best, namely, arbitrarily judging things based on personal opinions and minimal amounts of research!!

10. Sharknado (watchable on Amazon Prime and Rifftrax.com)

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If aliens are ever looking for an excuse to destroy the Earth, these movies will more than justify that.

 

Sliding in at number 10 is Sharknado, a movie so bad that it somehow broke the space-time continuum and created (against all odds) two significantly worse movies.  This gives us a chance to talk about something I like to call (in a not made up sort of way) The Inverse Law of Suckitization. Now, according to the law (which I did not make up in any way) there is a fine line between an entertainingly bad movie (Sharknado) and a movie that’s so bad it’s nigh on irredeemable (Sharknado 2.) This isn’t to say that Sharknado 2 is a rifftrax but that movies Suckitization is so strong that it hurts the humor of the riff.  It has nothing to do with the riff, and everything to do with (the now internationally recognized) Inverse Law of Suckitization.

9. Plan 9 From Outer Space (watchable on Hulu and Rifftrax.com)

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Cause nothing says Alien like a battle axe emblem.

 

It’s worth mentioning here that it’s almost always worth getting the Live version of a Rifftrax as opposed to the studio version, purely because the Live versions generally have a couple shorter videos included and it’s just generally more fun to hear these things done with an audience.  For those of you who don’t know, Plan 9 is a spectacularly terrible Ed Wood movie, featuring one of the most poorly planned alien invasions ever. The plan is literally “resurrect three people, wear shiny purple suits, and umm… domination????”

8. Star Wars (mp3 only, downloadable from Rifftrax AND using the Rifftrax app)

This is one of two mp3 onlys on this list. Slightly less convenient than the other movies where the audio is built in, with these you have to sync up a separate mp3 (though the App does it for you if you get that.) Never the less the MP3’s for the prequel movies (which are terrible) is fantastic and well worth all that complicated thumb work.

7. Buffalo Rider (watchable on Hule and Rifftrax.com)

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Buffalo Riding: Cause it’s the 1800’s and nothing else is happening.

 

Buffalo Rider is a great commentary on the whole but  the first twenty minutes in particular are hilarious featuring a battle between two competing narrators and an unfortunate amount of graphic “buffalo tongue” imagery.

6. Twilight (mp3 only, downloadable from Rifftrax.com)

The only drawback to the hilarious mp3 commentaries on Twilight is that you have to own Twilight, which (in some more sophisticated countries) is a criminal offense. The commentaries are hilarious, but the thought of anyone making even a little bit of money off Twilight is one of the strongest ipecacs known to man.

5. Kingdom of the Spiders (watchable on Hulu and rifftrax.com)

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It helps if you think of this as just a really long episode of Star Trek.

 

If you’ve ever thought “Man, I’d like to see William Shatner be bitten by a lot of spiders” (and really, who hasn’t) than this is the movie for you. This movie also could have been called “unnapealing people nailing wood against windows” but that is (admittedly) less catchy. The riff here is great and all of these top 5 movies hit the sweetspot of my now world famous Inverse Law of Suckitization.

4. Manos: The Hands of Fate (watchable on Hulu and Rifftrax.com)

Ah, Manos the godfather of bad movies.  There is actually a great MST3K version of this as well but the Rifftrax Live edition is fantastic. Featuring a man who is mostly I guess killed by having his hand somehow lit on fire?? And a little girl so terrifyingly dubbed that she makes the girl from the Ring look downright huggable by comparison.

3. The Room (Mp3 only from Rifftrax.com)

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The star of The Room: An actual living slab of Pork Butt.

 

This was actually the first Riff I ever went to a theater to see (they hold live events in theaters broadcast across the country) and I was honestly surprised at how much I enjoyed the experience of seeing this with a group. It just made it better to be laughing at all the horrible things that happen in The Room (a LOT of horrible things.) I’m very much sold on seeing these in the theater whenever possible now though, and the Riff on The Room is awesome.

2. Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny (watchable on Rifftrax.com)

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The number of kids packed into that car is nothing compared to the amount of crazy packed into this movie.

 

One of the more recent Live shows  (and my most recent purchase from ye olde rifftrax) Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny answers that age old question: I wonder what it would sound like if two accordions desperately tried to murder each other with rusty spoons. It also features some of the most horrifyingly uneven dubbing ever, and (for some reason) the story of Jack and the Beanstalk as told by an obviously sun stroked Santa. It’s amazing.

1. Birdemic (watchable on Rifftrax.com)

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The star of this movie is either a very good robot or a VERY bad human… I honestly do not know which.

 

If Manos is the godfather of bad movies, than Birdemic is the godchild. A movie so shockingly nonsensical and wonderfully badly made it’s pretty much the Mona Lisa of terrible. The Riff (especially the Live one) is fantastic and you will never ever look at Solar Panels (Solrpanls) the same way ever again. A movie that brazenly deals in only round numbers, constantly tells an incredibly successful model that she should have a backup plan, and features a main character so mind numbingly stupid he’s seemingly incapable of walking like a human. It’s a perfect storm of terrible movie, great commentary. It is everything a Riff could ever dream of being, and it’s here to  help us all “think peace.”

So there you go guys! If you’re a fan of MST3K or just of humor and bad movies in general, you should definitely head over to Rifftrax.com and check out these movies! It’s also worth mentioning that they are currently running a kickstarter for another round of live shows (LINK) and that the radius of a circle is the distance from the center of the circle to any point on the circle… Admittedly that last part was probably less relevant, though if you’re reading this list right before a Math test, how lucky are you?