Posts Tagged ‘Alien: Covenant’

Well hey Internet, happy Thursday, and welcome back to that old and familiar, delicious and nutritious family favorite: The Box Office Top Ten.

BOTT: 6/1/2017

Number 10: Beauty and the Beast

Yep… this movies still around… it’s pretty dang good… that’s all I got.

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Just smell that rose, Belle. The rose of all that sweet cash!

 

Number 9: The Boss Baby

Oh hey, this movies still around too! It’s pretty umm… it uh… it exists. Probably. It probably exists. We good?

Number 8: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Look, we all knew this movie probably wouldn’t be all that great. And it isn’t. The real mystery and intrigue now surrounding this movie is: will they actually make a sequel?? Cause initially this was supposed to be the first movie of some big epic sweeping movie franchise but… It’s a bad movie. It made no money. Do you make a sequel to that? Does Hollywood really have this much faith in Guy Ritchie??? Why? What has he done for you lately?? What has he done for you… ever??

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Yes he did give you this King Arthur. But I don’t think he can take full credit for Charlie Hunman existing.

 

Number 7: Snatched

It’s a heist movie. Don’t worry about it it’s just… it exists. You can rent this in like… a week. Don’t see it in a theater please.

Number 6: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Holy Berries Why Did We Make This???

Yeah… this is a bad sequel to a bad movie. It’s all bad all the time. It’s a bad party of badness. Full of bad.

Number 5: Everything, Everything

Something something High School Drama, something something YOLO. It’s not a bad movie but… it’s not good. It’s just a movie about some young people finding their hearts and learning about life and things. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve owned it.

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Look at all the High School they’re having!

 

Number 4: Alien: Covenant

I just did a full review of this but suffice to say: it’s probably fine. Less than good, more than bad. Less sugar than other brands.

Number 3: Baywatch

Hey, remember how we all thought making a movie out of a sketchy 90’s TV show based around the idea of “pectorals” was kind of unfortunate idea?? Yeah, we were very right guys! Go us! Not this movie. This movies the worst.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I did a full review of this too and it’s still pretty sweet Jackson guys!! I don’t know what sweet Jackson is… but this movie is that. And that is good.

Number 1: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

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Pirates 5 because umm… Hats? We had these hats…

 

Look guys… it’s a thing. These movies are just gonna keep being made and… I guess they’re fine. Johnny Depp is good at playing that one character over and over again isn’t he? So… yay? I guess.

And there you have it guys! The cinema landscape pre-Wonder Woman! Enjoy it while you can!

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Okay guys… let’s buckle down and talk about some of that sweet Alien shall we? A sequel to the prequel that wasn’t nearly as good as the sequel or the original, but will this sequel capture the old alien magic? Or the new alien significantly less magic? Only time will tell!!… And also this blog. This blog will tell.

Micah Reviews: Alien Covenant

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He’s angry and has VERY bad breath.

 

SPACE!! The Final Frontier. As it turns out in this particular version of SPACE!!! The frontier is… kinda dingy. No shiny spaceships or Captain Kirkness round these parts. Nope. This is all grime all the time. So we join our noble and grimy adventurers as they set out to a distant planet with a ship full of humans who they are definitely not supposed to put at risk under any circumstances.

But hey! Look at that shiny light from that mysterious planet!! They should definitely veer of course and check that out right?? And hey, why wear those annoying space suits or pay attention to the fact that the planet is very obviously inhabited!! This is SPACE! And if you can’t haphazardly explore space with no regards for consequences or your inevitable blood filled murder deaths, why did you come here in the first place? And thus with a bang of stupidity we are introduced to the often whimper filled series of events that form Alien Covenant.

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These idiots will be your tour guides… tours do not end well.

The Positives:

 

Look, in the end, all summed up, this movie is probably better than Prometheus. That said, Prometheus was bad. This movie is also bad but it’s least sort of watchably bad. The alien effects are solid, and the new alien types are WAY more interesting than anything Prometheus had on offer. The action set pieces are pretty good and it does have a little bit of the original Alien’s tension. These are all good things.

Also of note are the cast who all do very well. Michael Fassbender is great (per usual), Danny McBride delivers a surprisingly strong performance and Katherine Waterston is… fine. She’s not the best part of the movie, but she’s not terrible or uninteresting. She’s sort of a less interesting version of Ripley, and while that’s not an insult per se the movie needed absolutely every advantage it could get and Waterston’s general fineness doesn’t give the movie any sort of bonus kick.

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Ripley-lite, now with 40% less calories, and 50% less interesting.

 

The Negatrons:

This is a ship filled with profoundly stupid people, making repeatedly stupid decisions. A scientist looks into an open alien egg by putting his unmasked face as close to it as possible. People walk around on top of a planet they don’t know without helmets just because. Someone thinks to check the identity of a fellow crew member only after it is far too late to do anything about said crew members VERY obvious betrayal, it’s a running list of bad decisions made by people who are supposed to be smart. You expect stupid decisions in a horror movie but that’s not strictly speaking what the Alien franchise has always been about.

Which leads us to another (related) con. Are we sure Ridley Scott still knows what’s going on with his franchise? The last two movies have been a mix of very deep, supposedly intelligent people making very long winded speeches about the universe and the meaning of life and why we’re here and who made us and just ALL the philosophy, directly before those same people touch a huge obviously hostile space snake. Either make your characters dumb grunts who don’t know better, or make them super smart scientists who talk philosophy. It’s incredibly hard to do both and really that’s now what we’re here watching Alien for. We go to philosophy class or weird Christopher Nolan movies to learn about space philosophy. We come to Alien to watch dumb people put their faces over space eggs and get eaten by Xenomorphs.

Conclusion:

In the end Alien: Covenant gets stuck somewhere between its good parts that harken back to the original horror roots, and it’s bad parts that remind you of Prometheus constant Spacelosophy and stupidity. It’s not a terrible movie, but it’s not a particularly good one and falls far short of the return to form we were hoping for.

I give it 2 extremely poor decisions, out of 5.

Hey guys, and happy Thursdays! And congratulations on making it to December guys! We did it. Cause I’m not gonna lie to you guys: 2016 was a little bit the worst. Just… just real bad. Bad stuff happened. A lot. Repeatedly. And just when you thought we had finally hit rock bottom as a culture that bottom fell out from under us and we fell to a new, infinitely worse bottom. But we’re almost done guys, and this is (traditionally) at least a fairly easy part of the year to make it through. Just blast that Christmas music, eat those Christmas cookies, and just coast to 2017. Now let’s just hop right in this here mailbag and see what dear old life has dealt us this month!

Hey Micah, so what did you think of Gilmore Girls? – Nancy H.

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Cause Girls just want to have snow….

 

Oh Nancy… look… I thought it was pretty good. I’m glad it exists. It had problems though. For instance: The third episode. An entire musical play that went on for (and I timed this) four thousand years. Like… the joke was that it was really bad and I got that it was really bad about three seconds in. I didn’t need a full 20 minutes of badness. I got the joke. But seriously: It was good. I could sit here and pick nits and talk about the story threads the show forgot about, the really weird Keifer Sutherland thing, the fact that (when you think about) this whole thing really only needed to be a two hour movie. But in the end: we got the Gilmore Girls reunion we had always wanted. And it was pretty good.

So as a fellow fan of the CW super hero shows what do you think of the The crossover episodes? – Johnathon

Well I haven’t seen the last episode of it Johnathon, but I honestly have really enjoyed it. For those of you who don’t know: the CW shows (The Flash, Supergirl, Arrow, and Legends of Tomorrow) have had a huge crossover event where they’re fighting VERY uninteresting looking aliens. It’s honestly been pretty great! The characters work well together, the storylines have been interesting, the only real low point were the parts of the Arrow episode that focused on the minor characters in that show, because the minor characters in that show are at their absolute best: very boring, and more often than not just plain annoying. Anyway, it’s a cool idea and I’m glad they did it and I really hope they do it again sometime soon. Bravo. Brava. Bravisimo.

Did you see the new poster for Alien Covenant? What did you think? – Kyle

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Run… to the Dentist.

 

I mean… I guess yay?? I love/like/tolerate the Alien franchise depending entirely on which movie we’re watching at the time. I’m sure I will do one of those things where this movie is concerned. At least this confirms that there will be the traditional Alien and not whatever super skinny/angry Michelin man monster that attacked the crew the last time we did this. I feel like Ridley Scott isn’t crazy in touch with what makes his movies good or not good. He just kind of runs in and does things and sometimes it works out great (The Martian being the most recent example) and sometimes it does not (Prometheus .) So basically: it’s a crap shoot. Though if (as rumors say) the movie focuses on Ridley’s (the main character from most of the franchises) mom I will be super upset. Why do we feel the need to make monsters intimately acquainted with the entire family tree? I miss the older, simpler times when aliens just murdered random people cause that’s how monsters work, not because they met your mom once at a Costco and she took the last can of Who-hash.

So you can download things from Netflix now to watch later! How cool is that? – Micah

I mean… sure?? I guess. Yay? Apparently I cared enough to write and ask for my opinion but now that we get down to it… yeah I don’t really care. This will come in handy once in a great while when I’m… I don’t know… downhill skiing?? But like… every time I’m not in wi-fi I don’t constantly pine for the warm embrace of Netflix. That’s what books are for. I mean, people. That’s what people are for…. But also mostly books.

Are you excited for La La Land? – Jess

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If these two ever start dating their couple name would be Stone-sling. And I fully support that.

 

I don’t know Jess… I was excited for La La Land, I mean a musical with Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling? Absolutely, sign me up. But then it started getting nominated for every snooty-award ever and now I’m not so sure. All the sudden I feel it may have entered what I like to call “The Artist Zone.” You guys remember The Artist right? It came out in 2011 and was a really cool idea of like throwing things back to the old silent films days and oh my goodness the praises that were heaped up on it. The awards that it won! The number of times people said “this is a throwback to the olden golden days” “it will transport you to when movies mattered” “I watched The Artist and it cured my common cold” all that stuff. But in the end The Artists wasn’t actually a good movie. It was just a movie that people who watch movies felt the need to say was a good movie. Because it was snooty. No one would watch The Artist nowadays. If I downloaded The Artist from Netflix onto your iPad (cause you can now apparently) you would not watch it. It wasn’t really good, it was just a snooty movie for snooty people and snooty people are the ones writing the articles and handing out the awards.

I’m kind of getting that same vibe from La La Land. Everyone keeps talking about how it “transports them back” and “it’s a movie that says something about art” and things, and I just don’t know if it’s a movie that will actually be good anymore. It certainly COULD be good. I love the cast, and I love the sort of golden age of Hollywood musicals a lot! But I’m not as excited I was before it started reminding me of The Artist.

And there you go guys! Thanks for readin, I’ll see you next week, and just keep on cruisin’ through that last month!

Well hey everyone and welcome to another classic (and increasingly ironically named) segment of: The Weekly Headlines. Starting with new on a movie that is, somehow, extremely controversial right now:

Weekly Headlines: 7/19/2016

Ghostbusters came out this last weekend and it was (in an earth shattering twist:) fine. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t terrible. It was fine. And for some reason the Internet has chosen this hill upon which to die. Look guys: it’s a movie. I don’t know what else to tell you. You can hate it, you can love it, have an opinion. But don’t hate the people who made something just cause you hate something, I’m about as bitter and sarcastic as they come and I’ve certainly made fun of my share of celebrities (Hi, Kevin James) but at what point did we cross the line to hating the people and not just the horrible movies they sometimes make? It’s just weird and sad.

Wow… that got dark. Let’s make with the jokes shall we?

‘The Secret Life of Pets’ continues to rule the box office. I mean ‘rule’ is probably a strong word… what do you call it when you run a place, but no one else really wants to run the place and you’re just kind of there by default?? Trump 2016???

Political Humor!!!

Seriously though: Secret Life of Pets is pretty good.

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I fully expect my epic: It’s pretty good, endorsement to appear on the back of the DVD.

 

A new trailer for the Magnificent Seven reboot came out this week and guys: I am in. I mean I was already in, but now I’m WAYYY in. I miss the golden age of the Western and I’m excited that this doesn’t look like they’re doing a weird gritty re-boot where everyone looks sad and hateful and drinks pond scum from horse prints or whatever. I miss the old westerns, sure they were ridiculously innacurate to the time period, but this isn’t the History channel, and I don’t care. Super stoked for that thing.

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My favorite character is: Adjusting hat man!

 

So guys… I have a confession: I was wrong about Star Trek: Beyond. It’s gotten fantastic reviews so far and I spend huge portions of the summer saying it looked generic and tired and like it was basically doing a poor imitation of Guardians of the Galaxy. Turns out though it’s a great return to the fun, almost episodic feel of the TV show and the cast and script both really make Beyond another worthy entry in (what my opinion) has been a super great Star Trek franchise! I mean, I loved Star Trek beyond despite all the ‘real’ Star Trek fans seething hatred because umm… Khan? I guess.

In other Star Trek news, the makers of Star Trek announced that Star Trek 4 will feature the return of Chris Hemsworth (Thor.) Yeah, you forgot he was in Star Trek 1 (the reboot) didn’t you?? In your defense he played Kirk’s dad and had roughly 2 minutes of screen time before getting all blowed up and stuff (or did he????) So he’s coming back. And you’d think if they’re announcing it this far in advance it’ll be more than just a cameo right? We’ve already seen time travel in this movie (most of the first movie in fact) but I hope this is the start of some alternate dimension stuff!! Maybe Chris Hemsworth comes from a dimension where baby Kirk and his mom died in the spaceship crash, but he lived and (just because) in that Universe Spock is EEEEVIL!!! Evil I tell you, WAHAHAHA. Ahem… Sorry. Got excited for a sec there.

The new Alien movie (Alien: Covenant) just finished filming!! What’s that?? You didn’t want a sequel to the slow, weird running Prometheus movie that didn’t make a lot of sense?? You wanted an Alien movie that actually had Aliens and moved the series in a positive direction?? Ha ha. No. You can’t have that.

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Prometheus: Cause who needs sideways?

 

Fifty Shades Darker just started filming in Paris!! What’s that? You’re not interested in a sequel to the most horrifyingly made movie based on a book since The Host?? A movie that somehow offended both the book readers AND the non-book readers? Well… you’re getting one. Maybe don’t go see it this time huh? Cause at least SOME of you did. I know it was you Bobby!! I know it was you.

Hey, in positive movie news the Gunslinger (based on the Dark Tower series by Stephen King) continues to look awesome!! I mean look at this!

Lightroom (838A4668.JPG and 18 others)

That’ll work.

That said: this movie comes out in February of 2017. February!! Where bad and disappointing movies go to slowly deflate and died like the saddest balloon. But I mean, come on, you can’t mess up this book with this cast right? Right???

Did you guys know The Divergent Series: Allegiant comes out on DVD this week!?!?! Yeah… I didn’t care either.

Well there you go guys: them headlines!! Come on back Thursday when I open the old mailbag and answer some Star Wars fan mail!!