Hey Internet, I will not be posting this week for family reasons. Thank you all so much for your prayers and support, I should be back soon.
Tags: Beauty and the Beast, Ghost in the Shell, Kong Skull Island, Logan, March 2017, movie preview, Power Rangers, Table 19
Well hello Internet, and happy last day of February! That’s right guys. You made it. You did it! You survived the horror of Jefbruary, you held on through the horrible movies, the terrible weather and the somehow even worse political nightmarescape and you made it to March where at least one of those things will change… though probably not the other two. But let’s not focus on the fact that we can’t change the fact that the weather is having a severe identity crises, or the fact that no one seems to know what exactly is going on in the news or the fake news or… whatever we’re calling it. And let’s just focus on the fact that new movies are coming, and some of them are probably, maybe, sort of gonna pretty good!! Yay!!
March 2017 Movie Preview
I’m sorry for the weird pictures today… wordpress is being strange again…
March 3rd –
Okay I’m REALLY trying to tempter my expectations for Logan but it’s getting increasingly harder. The movies gotten great reviews, it’s finally a movie that seems to have caught on the usual Fox-movie tropes out, and it’s Hugh Handsom Jackmen!! I’m all in on this and can’t wait to see it! That said I will be VERY sad when it’s over, because it’s apparently a very sad movie, but it’s not like the trailers were exactly a barrel full of laughs. This is gonna be a great movie, but I’m going to be VERY sad after words and may eat my weight in pasta (or pasta like substitutes.)
Anna Kendrick and a band of other quirky actors play in a movie about a bunch of quirky people seated together at a wedding. These movie tend to either work really well, or be one million percent broken so… it’s a toss-up. There’s a delicate line between quirky and unwatchable as it turns out, which is, consequently, why my career as a professional dancer never panned out.
March 10th –
Kong: Skull Island
I’m weirdly interested in this movie. I say that because I’ve never really gotten the whole “King Kong” thing. I mean sure it made sense in like the 20’s when the coolest thing people could think up was “A monkey, but big” but nowadays we have Godzilla, and whatever those monsters were called in Pacific Rim and a bunch of way cooler things then “Hey look, that monkey is larger than a monkey should be.” But this movie actually looks pretty good! Tom Hiddleston, Sam Jackson, Brie Larson, and John Goodman make for a killer cast and I’m genuinely interested to see what happens here.
March 17th –
Beauty and the Beast
It’s weird too me that we’re about to kick off a generation of children who see Emma Watson and think “Belle” instead of “Hermione” but whatever. Look, this movie won’t be exactly changing the landscape of film forever, but it’s got a great cast, a good storyline, an established and well known musical score… it’s hard to see this NOT being good. Once again, it’s not gonna be a new and revolutionary step in film or anything, but it’s GOT to be good… right?
March 24th –
Look… I tried to be optimistic about this… probably. At some point. But I’ve seen the trailers, I’ve watched the ineffective high school actors, struggle with a lazy sounding script, and distinctly B looking effects and I’m officially ready to announce: This movie will be the sucks. REALLLLLLLY the sucks. Suckity suck such from Suckburg. Sorry both you Power Rangers fans… nothing to see here.
March 31st –
Ghost in the Shell
I’m still torn about this one. The original anime’ was… revolutionary?? I mean it was good. It looked good. But it didn’t exactly make sense, so much as it made ZERO sense. At all. So hopefully this movie can keep the cool visual style and sweet punchity, kickity action. But can also be (as the French would say) sensical.
And there you go guys! Some sweet sweet snowy deliciousness from the wonderful month of March. Thanks March. You’re the best!
Oh and if you haven’t hear my new podcast yet, we just put out our second episode and it’s exactly as random and Quail filled as you would expect! Check it out here: thepsv.podbean.com
Hey Internet!! How’s the old West treating you? How’s the Old East treating you for that matter? No one ever talks about the old East do they? But that’s what we’re here for at Thoughts We Might Have Had! To ask the questions the world is too afraid to ask. To think of the things no one has had the chance to think of yet, and copyright it so as to keep those dollar dollar bills. Because the days of the Old East are coming my friends… they are on our doorsteps, in our streets, circling our cul-de-sacs. And I will be ready.
All right so, due to some VERY exciting things that are happening I’m a bit crunched for time today, but so as not to leave you without your bi-weekly injection of vitriol and sarcasm here are some weekly headlines followed by a very cool, very sleek, and mighty tasty announcement!!
The Weekly Headlines – 2/21/2017
Guillermo Del Toro has officially announced that there will not be a Hellboy Three movie which is definitely newsworthy because both of the remaining fans of that franchise we’re very upset about the ambiguity of Del Toro making a sequel to the moderately enjoyable Hellboy 2, which followed up the moderately un-enjoyable Hellboy 1. I mean, don’t get me wrong I would have watched Hellboy 3 but I wouldn’t exactly have bet the one quarter I have in my bank account that it was gonna be an actual movie.
Early movie reviews for Logan have been very VERY positive, proving once again that the only reason the X-men movies ever worked was because of Hugh Jackmen’s handsome and well chiseled man-body. Early reviews for such movies do generally end up being a bit high but I think it’s safe to assume at this point that we’re looking at a good movie here.
The hype train has officially left the station for Disney’s upcoming re-vamp of Beauty and the Beast. Let’s be honest though, the hype train was never really even IN the station on this one. From the casting, to the music, to the terrifying implications of people turning into furniture, this movie has been tagged for greatness since day 1 and at this point everything seems to be pointing in that direction. Disney hasn’t entirely whiffed on any of their “Look it’s real people/snakes now!!” movies and it would be VERY hard to mess up Beauty and the Beast. I’m not saying they can’t do it, just that it would take a lot of work to get this cast and this score completely wrong.
The Lego Batman movie continues to rule the box office thanks to the fact that it’s the only halfway decent movie that’s come out in the last couple weeks. It’s not so much winning the race as it is the only participant in the race, that hasn’t recently been attacked with a Hollywood chainsaw.
And finally, Legion has released its first two episodes and while I want to definitely avoid hyperbole allow me to say (in a very non hyperbolic way) it’s the best DANG THING EVER!!! Seriously though: it’s fantastic. Great acting, awesome writing, very weird in its own excellent way. If you’re one of the 5 people with an actual FX subscription you should definitely be watching this!
Okay that just leaves us with our final announcement which is that I and my good friend Nate Offord have started a new podcast called The PSV that’s all about comedy, the Bible, and then comedy again!! Like seriously, it’s funny… and also VERY not accurate to the Bible so… go into it knowing that! Check it out here: thepsv.podbean.com and let yourself be taken away by my dulcet tones! Thanks for reading and I’ll see you Thursday!
Tags: Box Office Top Ten, Fifty Shades Darker, Hidden Figures, John Wick: Chapter 2, Split, The Lego Batman Movie
Well hey Internet, and all w me to congratulate you on making it through most of Jefbruary! You’re so close to coming out of the bad neighborhood of the movie world. The raging and terrible landfill of Hollywood. Hollywood’s actual trashcan that they actually light on fire. You’ve almost survived. But what have you survived? Well let’s just take a looksee here shall we? Buy dusting off our oldest, and most comfortable pair of short-pants:
Box Office Top Ten: 2/16/2017
There is no greater Jefbruary tradition than the mediocre kids movie that is somehow still in theaters. This years entry, Sing, is a perfectly acceptable entry in the long line of “looks kids!! Things are happening” movies that just refuse to die in Jefbruary, because there aren’t any other movies around to kill them… that got dark quickly.
This is a good, uplifting, and awesome movie about… a guy who gets kidnapped. And then there’s a google camera involved and he’s trying to find his family. It’s very uplifting guys. You will be lifted right up there. Assuming you live near one of the two theaters currently showing this movie that is.
8. La La Land
I’ve talked a lot about this movie and I told everyone to see it about seven times already so… I mean see it. Assuming you live near the one theater that is still showing it.
Hey look, it’s another one of our favorite Jefbruary friends: the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, horror movie. This one also managing to give us a two for one by being a completely unnecessary sequel no one asked for!! It’s the unwelcome drunk uncle of Jefbruary!! Thanks Rings!!
6. A Dog’s Purpose
So… awkwardly this is a movie about how great dogs are that treated the dogs they used VERY badly, and is also a pretty bad movie. Who would have thought that a movie based around a ton of dogs dying and re-incarnating would end up being a downer?? The surprises never end.
5. Hidden Figures
I’m glad this movie is still around cause it’s important societally and a really good movie that everyone should watch!! I’m sad this movie is still around because there’s nothing sarcastic or mean that I can say about it. More like… Hidden Fingers!!… yeah that doesn’t work… and is creepy. Shoulda got out while the gettin’ was good.
M. Night Sham-a-lama finally made a movie that doesn’t suck!! I mean, granted the conclusion is dumb because his mandatory ‘twist’ handcuffed his ability to give us a concrete ending… but whatever. It doesn’t suck. And James McAvoy is great. So yay?
3. John Wick: Chapter 2
I actually really liked John Wick. It was simple, straightforward, man action. It wasn’t a big movie that tried to teach you anything other than “always shoot the man in the head,” but it was just a great action movie. John Wick 2 is basically the same thing. Nothing fancy, nothing super challenging scriptwise, just some good old fashioned Keanu Reeves capping some not Keanu Reeves’s in the head.
2. Fifty Shades Darker
First off, let me give you just a little credit internet: This was not the number 1 movie in its first week: I’m proud of you. Granted, it’s still number two, but hey, at least it’s not number 1. I know most of you know this but just so I have typed it: this is a TERRIBLE movie. No one should be surprised at this. It’s a sequel to a bad movie, based on bad books, that features bad actors, playing poorly written characters, based on even poorer written characters. It’s bad. And no one should be surprised by this.
1. The Lego Batman Movie
I was kinda worried this movie wouldn’t be very good. It was a spin-off from a great movie, and a great character in that movie, but we’ve all seen that crash and burn. We all remember Kronk’s New Groove… especially right after I mention it. But Lego Batman was helped by the fact that it’s based on an existing character with a great cast of characters already established, and it turned out a really great movie!!
So there you go guys! Thanks for reading, and hang in there for another few weeks guys! You’ve almost made it through!
Tags: 10 Romantic Movies, Breakfast at Tiffany's, Casablance, Gone with the Wind, Roman Holiday, The Notebook, valentines day movies
Well hey Internet, and happy Valentine’s Day! A day that for about half the Internet we spend the day being thankful for the loved ones in our lives, and for the other half it’s a bitter, raging fire of garbage. But hey: super big sale on candy tomorrow right? Shouldn’t that bring everyone together? I’ve done a couple Valentine’s themed posts over lo these many years and I thought this year we would go ahead and answer the question that’s been on ALL y’alls lips: what is the most romantic movie… of all time!!
The 10 Most Romantic Movies of All Times.
Now, to give credit where credit is due: this is not my list. This is a list compiled by AMC movies, based on an audience poll. I have no idea what the ten most romantic movies of all time are, because I have a very loose grasp on romance. This would be like asking a dog to rate it’s ten favorite Carps, maybe that dog knows what carp is, but he doesn’t understand Carp enough to actually form a list of carp. So I thought who better to entrust with this crucial list, than the Internet!!… Oh… literally anyone else huh? Oops.
- Love Actually
Well way to start off with a movie I strongly disagree with there, Internet. Love Actually features: a grieving father trying to hook up his 8 year old son. A best friend who VERY creepily confesses his love for said best friends wife roughly an hour after they get married. A man cheating on his wife. And Hugh Freekin’ Grant… I mean WHY? This is really what you want to experience in your romantic life internet??
Yeah, this was a terrible idea. The Titanic?? This is an eight hour long movie detailing the least surprising boat crash in history, and telling the story of a poor boy with no redeeming features other than “he’s pretty.” And an aloof heiress with the common sense of a puddle. Who (in the end) show a shocking lack of understanding as to how floating pieces of wood work.
- Pride and Prejudice
This is a fine entry. Just to clarify this is the Kierra Knightley version and not the Collin Firth one, but whatever. They’re both fine. Both tell the story of an incredibly stuck up man, who does one nice thing with his life, and is instantly rewarded with the love of a woman who had heretofore hated him for VERY good reasons.
- Roman Holiday
Aw, now see this is a great movie!! Audrey Hepburn just Hepburning out all over the joint! It’s basically reverse Cinderella but I mean come on! How is this not WAY higher on the list??
- Breakfast at Tiffany’s
Okay now see… I think Roman Holiday is a better movie than this. This is a great movie but let’s talk about the racist elephant in the room shall we?? Yeah, what was Mickey Rooney doing in this movie?? I realize it was a different time but did know on see Mickey Rooney in costume for this and go: “Wait… this is CRAZY racist isn’t it??” Great movie, but I’d still put Roman Holiday above it.
- Now, Voyager
Okay I’m not gonna lie… I have no idea what this is… hang on. This is a 1942 movie based on a book by the same name and starring Bette Davis. Wow… I just read the plot synopsis for this movie and… dang. I think I need a nap. I mean it sounds romantic I guess but… man. I’d much rather watch Roman Holiday and maintain the tiny teeny amount of faith in humanity that I have left.
- Sense and Sensibility
How is Sense and Sensibility this high??? I mean, I’m not an expert but isn’t Pride and Prejudice better? Granted this movie has Emma Thompson and Alan Rickman but you know who else’s sleazy, greasy, Britishy face is all up in here??? Hugh Grant.
- The Notebook
Okay now… give me a moment to compose myself. This is a BAD movie guys. Why are there so many dang birds?? We get it. We’re all birds. Or the main character girl is a bird?? Secondly: laying in the road is not romantic! People die that way. You. Specifically. Will die. I hope. You know who the best character in this whole movie was?? Lon. Lon was patient, and steadily loved a girl who (apparently) was a pheasant in another life or something. Pheasant-girl was off making googly eyes with that guy who STALKED her, and Lon was paying the bills. Putting in the work. Lon, is a national treasure. Swan-lake or whatever her name was, is a terrible person who apparently couldn’t be bothered to look up Ryan Goslings address so she could send him a letter. This is a bad movie guys.
Don’t get me wrong here but… is Casablance really a romance?? It’s mostly a war movie/drama. There are romantic parts to be sure, and it’s a GREAT movie, but I don’t know that I would call it a romance.
- Gone with the Wind
WHAT?!?!?!?!? WHHHAT?!??!!? Internet what have you done!! Gone With the Wind is not a romance. It’s a long sordid history of two HORRIBLE people, who get married for the wrong reasons, constantly fight, name a baby (I swear I’m not making this up) Bonnie Blue Butler and then break up!!! How is THIS the most romantic movie ever in your mind??? Do you guys secretly want to be Scarlet, who marries about 8 people over the course of this movie, stalks her best friends husband, and makes every decision in her life based on what her waist line will be?? Do men want to be Rhett Butler, who spends YEARS selfishly terrorizing a woman until she finally marries him and then he INSTANTLY changes his mind about that and only stays with her because of his terribly named daughter?? WHY???
Okay… sorry… Ya know what?? No. I refuse to accept this list. I thought I could trust you with this internet but I can’t. Here, take this edited list, and go have a happy Valentine’s day. I’m sorry I lost my temper… it’s not your fault.
- Sense and Sensibility
- Breakfast at Tiffany’s
- Pride and Prejudice
- Roman Holiday
Well hey Internet, and welcome back to the magical, fun-time, goodness parade that is Thoughts We Might Have Had. After Tuesdays terrible, horrible tragedy in which I wrote a golden and beautiful piece of classic American literature and then it was lost forever to the internet, to me. To all of us. We all lost something that day, a little part of all of us was gone away forever. And yet we survived, and here I am to do my part, to struggle to walk along side you and lift you up, where you belong. By re-writing the post. Word for probably not at all the same word. You’re welcome.
Micah Retro-Reviews: The Indiana Jones Franchise
Okay so, I’m not gonna talk about Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. First off: Cause I FAR prefer to pretend it doesn’t exist. And secondly: I already went on a very angry rant about it a few days ago and I only have so much vitriol I can direct towards this pile of on fire garbage. This horrendous accident of a movie that was culled from the deepest, darkest pits of our human imagination. Hey, look I did have more vitriol left! Anyway:
Indiana Jones and the… Oh yeah, sorry, it’s not technically called that…
The Raiders of the Lost Ark
So the Raiders of the Lost Ark starts with our handsome, cool hat wearing hero attempting to steal a small and VERY ugly golden statue from a cave. He successfully does this but is than confronted by a less handsome man, in a less cool hat who steals the statue from him BUT because he is less handsome than our handsome person, this is regarded as a very villainous thing to do. Oh also, he does try to kill Indiana Jones… so that’s a pretty legitimately evil thing to do.
Upon returning home Indiana is informed that Nazi’s are trying to find the Ark of the Covenant and to get them not to steal the Ark of the Covenant he’s going to have to go and find the second most annoying person on Earth!! A person who will forever be a horrible blight on what is an otherwise very good movie, and who will yell “Indy” in a high annoying voice more than anyone should be legally allowed to yell it. Which, if you’re Indiana Jones why on Earth do you let anyone call you “Indy” that’s a terrible nickname!! That’s like people calling Anakin Skywalker “Annie,” holy cow does George Lucas not understand how nicknames work?? Does he really want people to call him “Georgy” and was never sure how to ask, so he created to characters with great names but HORRIBLE nicknames?? Someone try calling him Georgy and let me know how many millions of dollars he gives you. Anyway if, your name is Indiana Frickin’ Jones, you’re not gonna let people call you “Indy,” you’re going to make them call you Indiana or (at the very least) Frickin’ Jones, right? Anyway, Indiana finds the ark but the Nazi’s get it first and they open it which leads us to:
The Gross Out Moment: A time honored tradition in Indiana Jones movies is that one moment where something genuinely terrifying happens to the villain and Raiders of the Lost Ark has what is by far my favorite one of these moments when a Nazi-mans first turns into Play-dough and he literally just sort of melts into nothing. If this movie were made today it would be all CGI and good looking and boring, but because this was the 80’s I’m pretty sure they actually just stuck some play-dough in a microwave and filmed it. It’s wonderful and disgusting but it’s not really realistic enough to make you feel bad about enjoying the grossness. It’s the ultimate 80’s effect.
Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.
The Temple of Doom is a sneaky horrible movie. People think about the Indiana Jones Trilogy and they think “man those three movies are great” when what they really mean are “two of those three movies are great, and one is just sort of forgivably bad.”
The Temple of Doom opens with a fight scene that I’m pretty sure lasted about four hours and I’m very sure it served ZERO purpose in the overall narrative. The crime boss Indiana is after gets away and is never ever heard from again and then I guess he’s the guy who sabotages Jones’ plan but even then, the movie could have just opened with a plane crash and tehn maybe we could have been spared two of the worst sidekicks ever to kick a side. There’s Short Round who isn’t terrible, he’s just not funny and a VERY VERY racist stereotype. It was the 80’s so we kind of just glaze over it but… Short Round is very offensive. Very. But he is nothing compared to the horrible pile of human shaped lint that is ‘Willie’ Indiana’s love interest and literally the single most annoying human shaped object ever discovered by mankind.
Aside from these two terrible scripting decisions, Temple of Doom just… it’s ‘meh’ at best. I mean the scene with the mining carts is kinda fun, but it doesn’t make up for the VERY not fun torture sessions or the super unfortunate ending sequence where the main villain is killed by not being able to hold onto a bridge. It’s still a fine movie but the things that make it terrible are probably right about equal with the things that make it great.
The Gross Out Moment: The heart rip-out section (much like the rest of movie) leaves me with mixed emotions. I mean, it’s certainly gross and disturbing, but it never gets to the campy sort of fun play-dough death that Raiders had. It’s just gross and disconcerting and… that dude rips out a heart.
Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
As far as I’m concerned: this is by the far the best Indiana Jones movie. I mean I’m a big Raiders fan but this movie replaces the annoying lady sidekick with Sean Connery and if that’s not an upgrade I don’t know what is. The storyline is great, the action is fun, there’s not weird torture sections, and it’s probably the only movie where Indiana Jones goes through any actual character development.
I’m not gonna say a ton more about the Last Crusade cause it’s awesome and perfect and because I’m over 1000 words and I’m sure you have children, or a TV to watch or something, but suffice to say: this is apex Indiana.
The Gross Out moment: That dude drinks from the wrong cup and then just… just goes up in literal smoke. I mean this REALLY freaked me out as a kid to the point where I was always VERY suspicious of drinking out of unfamiliar glasses. I always suspected my brother would try and take me out via cursed cup. It’s probably the most disturbing of the three gross outs but it’s at least back to being sort of campy and weird and not just some dude ripping some other dudes vital organs out.
And there you have it guys! Me reviewing all three Indiana Jones movies!! Twice in fact… which seems very excessive. I’ll see you next week!
So guys… I had a post for today all locked and loaded and ready to go and then when I logged in… twas gone. Like the wind. Like the dew after the rain. Like the rain after… it stops raining. Anyway… it’s gone. And I just… it’s too soon guys. I need some time to adjust to my loss. To face a new world without my lovely, beautiful, innocent post. Goodbye dear friend. I barely knew you.