Well Internet, we’ve reached that final day of the long and lengthy list of summer questions. How’s your summer prep going? Stocked up on them sweet popsicles? Get that AC nice and C’d? Cause summer’s just around the corner friend, and Summer’s got a knife! Summer’s had some rough times and it’s been bullied by Spring a lot lately and… well… it’s going through a rough phase. Anyway, here’s some questions about some summer movies, coming this summer. In summertime.

Summer Questions 2017: Part 3

Number 1: Is Dunkirk a ‘normal’ Chris Nolan movie?

Look, I’m a huge Chris Nolan fan but all of his movies have at least one weird super natural thing. Even ones that pretended to be a normal movie (The Prestige) ended up having weird super natural twists. So, is Dunkirk really just about the historical events of the World War 2 evacuation? Or is there something MORE going on here??? Either way, I’m a billion percent in on this. Great director, great cast, awesome story, typical Christopher Nolan way of not actually telling people anything in the trailers. I’m very excited about this!

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If it isn’t vaguely hinted that Dunkirk was just a dream we all had starring Leonardo DeCaprio I will be very disappointed.

 

Number 2: What exactly is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets? And why is it called Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets?

It’s a space movie and… I don’t know. It’s based on a thing. Besson is the famed director of The Fifth Element a movie that came out twenty years ago and he’s since spent his time making largely unimpressive action movies. The cast looks fine (though Cara Delevingne is making a strong campaign for being the next Amanda Seyfried (inexplicably cast non-actress.) It’s a big space opera thing that’s gonna do its best Guardians of the Galaxy impression so we’ll just have to see what happens with it. That said, if there’s anyone who can out mopily stare Cara Delevingne it’s Dane DeHaan who is her co-star so just be prepared to see a lot of people REALLY looking at things very hard.

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If you like long mopey glances than you need look no further than these two, who have roughly the same facial reaction to space travel as I have to used cat litter.

 

Number 3: Can Atomic Blonde be the next John Wick?

They might as well change the name of this to Jane Wick and put all their cards on the table. That said, it looks like it’s gonna do a very good John Wick impersonation and that movie was great! The cast here looks strong, maybe it will have a better story than Wick and the action looks just as sort of ‘up close brutal’ style of Wick so I’m certainly intrigued.

Number 4: How many weird titles can we make that involve Apes? Like War for the Planet of the Apes?

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I love the whole “Planet of the Apes” thing, but if you called this movie “War of the Snow Monkeys” that would be WAY better.

 

So we had Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and now War for the Planet of the Apes?? What’s next? Songs about the Planet of the Apes?? Actually that’s very good. Biking Through the Planet of the Apes?? Man, that’s good too. Okay I take it back. I’ll watch more of these movies. I mean, they’ve all been good, and as long as we can keep coming up with Planet of the Apes related titles I guess why not!

Number 5: How awesome will the The Dark Tower movie be??

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I hope at some point during the film of this movie that child realized how lucky he was!

 

Awesomely awesome. Or at least… it had better be. It had better I haven’t waded through years of rumors and speculations and fake castings for this movie to be bad I’ll tell you that much!! I mean the trailer looked fantastic and I’m certainly team “Idris Elba reloading guns!” Can I shirt or something for that? Cause I’ll buy that shirt! I’ll buy two of those shirts! Can this movie come out yet? Please!!

Well there you go guys. Questions. Answered. Summer on in safety fellow friends!

Oh and check out my podcast at thepsvpod.podbean.com

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?

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You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.

 

So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.

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Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.

 

Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?

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That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.

 

Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.

Hey Internet, boy am I glad to be back, but not nearly as glad (I’m aware) as you are to have me. It’s okay my children, my blessed waifs of the internet. Come. Gather round my internet fire, and let us all warm ourselves in the glow of one of our most sacred Thoughts We Might Have Had traditions: bold and centered font. And also:

Summer Questions 2017: Part 1

Number 1: Can Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 be a good follow up to the first?

The good news is that because my summer questions are a little late this year we’ve already got a real solid answer to this: yes. Yes it can. The reviews have basically all been positive and while it’s generally agreed that it’s not quite as good as the original, the original was VERY good and this just being “very good” is still pretty good! Or very good. Or something.

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It’s weird to say this but… this movie lived up to its potential!!

 

Number 2: Can King Arthur: Legend of the Sword be… I don’t know… anything more than just another Guy Ritchie movie about people running around doing vague things with quick cuts?

Probably not. I mean look, I like Guy Ritchie movies on the whole but they’re never really about much more than youngish people smash cutting around a city. I’m not saying this will be a bad movie, I’m just saying that there will probably be a lot more flash than there is substance to this one.

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Wait a second… is this our most attractive King Arthur??

 

Number 3: Will Alien: Covenant actually be a good Alien movie?

I mean statistically: No. It’s got all the earmarks of a bad movie: forced sequel to a mediocre movie, director who may or may not understand why people like this franchise (he seems to think we LOVE pseudo-space philosophy and characters making weirdly inappropriate statements about the value of strong women and not… ya know, actual strong female characters and Aliens), and plans to make several more movies in the series meaning that this one will probably not actually resolve. I mean look: it could be good. I hope it’s good! I like the good Alien movies… but this will probably not be one.

Number 4: How do people keep making Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

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Pirates of the Caribbean: You WILL like Johnny Depp. You WILL!!!

 

Look, here’s the thing: Pirates of the Caribbean 3, was a genuinely bad movie that brought that trilogy to a weird and confusing end. The whole “trilogy” thing just never really worked at all. That said: 1 and 4 were actually pretty good, so when the old PotC franchise has stuck to single story films they’ve done okay for themselves and this movie actually looks serviceably interesting. Honestly, the only thing that really freaks me out about it is the fact that apparently Orlando Bloom is back (Keira Knightely is as well but supposedly only in a cameo so whatever.) I feel like Pirates of the Caribbean is a great vehicle for good pirate movies, and we just sort of happen to put them all in the same universe, I get nervous that we’re gonna reach back and include things from earlier in the franchise cause that generally means some writer somewhere got locked in a room until he could work out twenty minutes of Piraty things for Orlando Bloom to do and that’s no way to make a movie, my friend. No way.

Number 5: Can Wonder Woman possibly somehow against all odds be a good movie?

Look guys… it’s just so dang hard to say. On the one hand: all the material for this has looked great. The trailers, the design, the cast, all of it. On the other hand: this is DC comics. DC has spent the last couple years selling us on trailers but then delivering bad movies with lazy writing and so many cooks in the kitchen that the soup morphed into a living amalgamation of death and disease that laid the world to waste. I hope Wonder Woman is good. Deep deep down past my layers of cynicism, bitterness, and toffee cream cakes I think it will be good. But I can’t honestly that it will be. I’ve been burned too many times man… by too many soups.

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Power!! X’s!!! Woman!!

 

And that’s where we shall leave things for today my inter-children. Be blessed. Be filled. Come back Thursday for more answers, more questions, and more vague cooking references!

Well hello good buddies and internet friends, and welcome to another thrilling, chilling, and trilling entry into the ever growing pantheon of:

Best of the Worst

That’s right! It’s time for us to get back to our roots and compare the worst movie from two franchises and find out which one is really the worst. Today, in honor of the Fate of the Furious being released and maybe finally not running commercials for itself every two seconds of every minute of my life, we’ll be comparing it, to that long standing, long Tom Cruise running shot featuring series, Mission Impossible.

Mission Impossible 2: Best Hair, Worst Movie.

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So much good hair… so much worse movie.

 

I just want to take a second and be very clear about something: this is in no way an attack on Mr. Cruise’s hair in the major motion picture: Mission Impossible 2. Mr. Cruise’s hair is a shining long locked bastion, lighting the way to good hair dos everywhere. Thank you, hair.

That said: Mission Impossible 2 is a very bad movie. So bad it basically killed the franchise until the great franchise saver JJ Abrams deigned to sprinkle some of his rejuvinatory juices on it. The plot makes no real sense, the ending is just a huge comedic sequence where 4 different people are wearing masks, and there’s just a lot of weird unnecessary slo-motion shots involving flips and motor cycles and sunglasses exploding. (Very cool sunglasses… just for the record.) It’s a movie that really wanted to be the Matrix but had to deal with the problematic factor that it was in no way the Matrix. The storyline has something to do with a virus and Tom Cruises girlfriend who he basically instantly forgets about in favor of a much more grounded character in 3. MI2 is a classic example of someone coming into a franchise so desperate to put their stamp on it that they entirely forgot what the actual thing they were supposed to be doing was. At no point does it feel like an actual Mission Impossible movie, which is not something that (for the record) is super hard to achieve.

I give it 2 unnecessary mask reveals, out of 5.

And opposing MI2 is a movie so bad that the Fast and the Franchise movies have literally just decided to pretend never EVER happened. That’s right: it was too bad, for the Fast and the Furious.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Filming Discounts

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Like an unfortunate car decal: this movie’s badness sticks with you.

 

You want to know who the best actor in Tokyo drift is?? Lil’ Bow Wow. I’m not joking. He’s actually not even that bad in it, and in the world of Tokyo Drift being ‘Not Bad’ basically makes you Daniel Day Lewis. The main character (not Lil’ Bow Wow) is played by a white male Walmart Manikin named Sean Boswell who has come to Tokyo for reasons I cannot even begin to care about. He loves to race though. Boy does he love to race. That’s literally all you need to know about this cardboard cutout of a human with a “Boy Am I From the South” trucker hat on his head. Actually you should probably also know that he is VERY bad at racing but that for some reason people continually show an interest in his burgeoning racing career to the point where they teach what is apparently the ultimate solution to all of his personal and career problems: the ability to go around a corner in a motor vehicle.

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A movie that repeatedly asks you to believe that the pile of mashed potatoes in the passenger seat of this car is an actual human being.

 

The real kicker of TFatF:TD though is that the rest of the Fast franchise couldn’t even decide where it went in the “chronology” of Fast and the Furious. And yes, Fast and the Furious does have a chronology. See, technically Tokyo Drift was released as the 3rd movie but when the FF people decided to start forming a super team they knew they definitely didn’t want the main character from Tokyo Drift so they decided to use one of the secondary characters who (regretfully) died in that movie. This meant that they had to push Tokyo Drift back until later, specifically, until Fast and the Furious 7 a full four movies after it actually took place. Confused?? You should be. But that’s what you have to do when you make a movie that stars a rock with the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama painted on it.

I give it 1 Faceless Stars, out of 5.

So there you go guys: the prize for worst movie goes to Tokyo Drift, cause at least MI2 had that good good Tom Cruise hair.

I’ll probably do a mailbag on Thursday so send in your question to Thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and hey, why not check out my podcast that I do with my good buddy Nate over here thepsv.podbean.com!

Hey Internet, well guys, I’m not gonna lie to you… this time… It’s been a rough week. Rough seas. Rough hair. Rough bristles. Just rough. But not wanting to leave you entirely without my patented wisdom and sage council here’s a strongly abbreviated version of the Box Office Top Ten and what you should or shouldn’t be seeing this weekend.

Box Office Top Ten 4-6-2017

Number 10: The Zookeepers Wife

A woman who’s the wife of a Zookeeper who… fights the Nazi’s??? I think? But not in like a cool Dr. Doolittle of Death sort of way but more in a “this actually happened” sort of way… which is arguably better… arguably.

Number 9: CHIPS

This is the abbreviated version of the Top Ten so I’m gonna keep this short: don’t watch CHIPS. Ever. For any reason.

Number 8: Life

Not to be confused with the board game which teaches children all about how Life definitely won’t go. The movie ‘Life’ teaches us exactly how it would go if humans ever do find life on other planets! Namely: it will murder us all. Life is actually a decent movie with a great cast and you should check it out if you like the sort of ‘trapped in space, pseudo horror’ kind of thing.

Number 7: Get Out

Great horror movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like horror movies in which case: get out! (rim-shot)

Number 6: Logan

Great comic book movie. Go see it… unless you don’t like comic book movies in which case: get out!… hmm… something went wrong there.

Number 5: Kong: Skull Island

It’s hard to say whether Skull Island is good or not… I mean it’s got all the parts to a good movie, I’m just not sure if it puts them all together in the right order. If you’re a fan of the genre it’s definitely worth checking out and it COULD be really fun… but you might also think it’s slow and circular and doesn’t really give its great cast much to do… hard to say.

Number 4: Saban’s Power Rangers

It’s not terrible. It’s not great. It just exists. It’s the unbuttered toast of cinema… it just sort of exists.

Number 3: Ghost in the Shell

This movie looks great… but it isn’t great. Your eyes will be delighted… but your heart will be sad. Or bored. But you don’t hear about ‘the girl with the bored heart’ do you?

Number 2: Beauty and the Beast

It’s still a great movie. If you haven’t seen it, go to the theater and open thine eyes. Let the warmth of your childhood wash over you like a thousand clean linens and laundered doilies.

Number 1: Boss Baby

A kids movie for kids. Your kids will enjoy this but you will spend the entire movie on your phone trying to remember how to play soduko. It’s a fine kids movie, but that’s it.

So there you go guys, thanks for reading and thanks for sticking with us during these times. All should be back to normal for the website next week, and hey, why not use the time you saved by me only writing 500 words this week to check out my new podcast! Here’s the ling: http://www.thepsv.podbean.com thanks so much for reading!

 

Posted: March 30, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Internet!! It’s been so long since last we spoke! So long since we sat down, stared deep into the crystal ball, and saw what movies were coming out next month! So pull up a chair, grab a Dixie cup of water, and let’s tell some fortunes!!

Oh boy… oh no… Guys this… this is not good.

Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner: April 2017

Oh yeah I forgot to tell you… we changed the name of this series. Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner tested WAY better than whatever it was call before… that I do not remember.

What were we talking about? Oh yeah: the not goodness. Guys April’s lookin’ REAL bleak… like it’s not a January/February/Jafbruary problem where it’s a ton of bad movies coming out… there just aren’t any movies… at all. Like they don’t look bad, they don’t look good they just look… like they kind of exist. For some reason. Anyway, here are the four movies I found that were worth talking about, suffice to say the biggest prediction of Micah’s Psychic Movie Corner is: You will find yourself with extra money, after not going to the movies much.

April 7th

Colossal – This movie stars Anne Hathaway as a woman with a mysterious psychic connection to a giant Godzilla-esque monster. I mean it’s a very interesting idea I’ll give it that. The trailers look interesting but… I’m just not sure if this is a whole movies worth of interesting. If this was like a ten minutes YouTube video I’d be all in but… 2 hours of “isn’t it weird how when I move the monster moves” could get old fast. If it gets good reviews I will definitely see it but… I’ll be a little surprised if it gets good reviews.

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Anne Hathaway and her monster shadow.

 

Smurfs: The Lost Village – Hey all you Smurf fans, look! It’s a new smurf movie!! What’s that? What do you mean the last remaining smurf fans were heartlessly betrayed by the last two horrible smurf movies and are now less trusting of this franchise than I am of whatever wizardly process turns almonds into “milk?” Look, I’m not saying this won’t be an okay kids movie but I am definitely saying that it won’t be a good movie. It will probably serve to distract your children for an hour and a half while they laugh at low hanging fruit jokes and are mesmerized by fancy blue colors but… this isn’t gonna be Inside Out or anything even vaguely Inside Out adjacent.

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I was gonna put a picture of the Smurfs here but… I didn’t want to.

 

April 14th 

The Fate of the Furious

Everytime a commercial comes on for The Fate of the Furious me and my wife punch my TV. It’s getting very expensive. But not nearly as expensive as the add campaign for F8 of F8rious. I mean I’m pretty sure they’ve infiltrated every form of media known to man at this point with the stunning fact that Vin Diesel BETRAYED HIS FAMILY!! Despite the fact that he definitely didn’t do that, and will undoubtedly betray whoever he BETRAYED HIS FAMILY for. He’s Vin Diesel. If you have made it be some of the other members of the family I could have at least pretended to buy in but there’s no way Vin Diesel would growl his growly lines for a single growl if his character had actually BETRAYED HIS FAMILY. Anyway, I’ve watched like… most of this franchise… I think. At some point they all start blending together. I don’t even think Vin Diesel knows what happened in any one movie at this point. Regardless, we have two more weeks of commercials left before this movie comes out and then we get like a month off before the commercials start for The Fast and the Fninerious or whatever we’ll call that version of this never ending car homicide series.

The Lost City of Z

Look guys, I’m gonna be honest. I don’t know that much about this movie. It’s not a zombie movie though… I’m pretty sure, so that’s one bullet dodged anyway. This was literally the only other even vaguely interesting looking thing that came out in April so… here’s a plot synopsis. An explorer in the AmaZon finds a city and he explores it. Yay? Look it’s Charlie Hunman who people like and it’s an Amazon original movie that’s based on a true story so… I mean it’ll probably be good right? Amazons last movie “Manchester by the Sea” AKA “Life Sucks and Everyone Sucks and It Sucks To Be You” won like… all the awards so… it’s probably gonna be good? I mean nothing else will be for the rest of the month, so we better hope it is!

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I still don’t know what this movie is about, but that’s a VERY handsome explorer.

 

And there you go guys, a sparse look at a VERY sparse month. Like I couldn’t find a movie that came out after April 14th that I even a little bit cared about. Hang in there though, cause May is coming. And May will save us all!

Oh also, while you’re not going to the movies, why not use your spare time to catch up on my sweet awesome podcast of awesomeness!! Check it out here http://www.thepsv.podbean.com

Well hey internet and welcome to another happening day here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. The magical mystery website where we answer your questions about your concerns!! Or at least that’s what we’re doing today. Most days (frankly) we don’t care. This day though, we’re totally here for you and want to sit down and have a talk and warm some cocoa and just really talk… like we used to… in the old country.

Also, I don’t know why the font and pictures are all messed up… wordpress is apparently off its meds.

Micah, what did you think of Iron Fist? Is it really that bad? – Kyle

Kyle… I’m very sorry to say this… but yes. Very yes. Look, I thought critics were a little too high on Daredevil season 1 and even a little too high on Luke Cage so I was really hoping this was just the critical universe re-balancing itself but… no. Iron Fist is very bad. The writing is bad. The overall storyline is pretty uninteresting, and the main character is just… just so boring. The most interesting person in the show is Colleen Wing and she isn’t really given a ton to do other than be good and/or bad at karate depending on what the show needs right at that moment. The only really good thing about the show is that the fight scenes are pretty good/very good and David Wenham is very good during his limited screen time. On the whole though there just isn’t a lot of punch to Iron Fist. It just sort of keeps happening.

 

Are you watching Legion? – Stephanie L.

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Even Legion is watching Legion!

 

Oh my sweet gibblets of glory yes I am!! It is VERY good. All the good. It is also (for the record) not a kids show. It’s not even really a teens show. But sweet juniper berries it’s a good show! Dan Stevens turns in a fantastic performance as the main character, David, and the rest of the cast is incredibly solid. It’s a little comedy, a little comic book, and a little off-beat horror movie but it’s all fantastic and well done. Can’t wait for the finale but also can’t believe it’s already almost over.

I watched the new Power Rangers movie with my kids and was surprised that it actually was kind of good! Am I wrong? – David

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Now see that’s the level of phoneing in I’ve come to expect.

 

You’re not wrong David. I was wrong. I thought Power Rangers would be terrible and it ended up being… sort of fine. I mean it’s not really good, but it’s also not really bad… which I’m frankly very disappointed by. I mean aren’t the power rangers supposed to be bad? Weird latexy costumes and villains with visible zippers on their costumes? Aren’t they supposed to be filled with generic henchman so they can re-use the fight footage in future episodes? I mean if you’re not going to make a really great power rangers movie (which I’m not even sure is technically possible at this point) the least you could do is make it REALLY bad so I could laugh at you. Come on Power Rangers makers… think of me more huh?? Think of my readers!!

What did you think of the new Justice League Trailer? – Brad

I think I refuse to get excited about DC movies, Brad. I’m not saying it won’t be good (though frankly some of the attempts at humor still left a lot to be desired) but I’ve been fooled one time too many by DC and I’m out until they actually make a good movie. Or even at least an okay movie. A movie that makes sense. A movie where the characters do things humans would do. That’s all I’m asking for DC. There was a new trailer for Spiderman: Homecoming yesterday that basically gave away the entire plot of the movie so it’s good to know that Sony are following in DC’s greasy footprints…

And there you have it guys. A good old fashioned talk, just like we used to have before the world turned cold. I’ll be back Thursday for more of our usual coldness.