Archive for the ‘Sports’ Category

Hello Internet, and welcome to opening day. No it’s not the opening day of a big movie (cause those don’t happen in September) nor is it the opening of a major cultural event that will in any way benefit you or your kin from a classy sort of standpoint. No, this is the opening day for the NFL and if anything has been established on this website before it’s that we are not in any way a sports site. Sure, we have a sports section on the side there, but it is the rusty, spider-infested, probably haunted attic of this website. Well get your rubber gloves and goggles on my friends: cause we goin’ up!!

Football 101

The basics of the basics:

This is a football. Don't ask us why it's shaped like that, it just is.

This is a football. Don’t ask us why it’s shaped like that, it just is.

The goal of football is to take a ball shaped like a really flat basketball from one end of a field to the other. When you get to the other end (called the End zone) you get to bounce around like a moron, jump into the stands, smash the ball on the ground, and basically just throw yourself the tiniest party, which really is the goal of most of our lives. I feel like if I got to bounce around like a moron every time I finished loading the dishwasher, that would be one well loaded dish washer.

Anyway, when you get to the end of the field (the end zone once again) you get six points. It is then the job of your kicker (aka that one wimpy guy) to kick the ball between the uprights (those two yellow posts that will make you want McDonalds) and get you an extra point (for a total of 7 points.) No one really knows or understands why the extra point exists, it just sort of does. It’s like if every time I finished vacuuming my living room, another smaller person came behind me with a pair of tweezers and picked up a single strand of carpet. It’s not really necessary, but it helps in some small way and it makes that tweezer guy feels like he’s contributing, so why not?

A field, an endzone, and some uprights. This is the Rams endzone though so it's barely been used. Sports joke!!!!

A field, an endzone, and some uprights. This is the Rams endzone though, so it’s barely been used. Sports joke!!!!

The other major way to score in Football is something called a field goal, which is when you can’t get all the way to the end zone but your close enough to where your kicker (the tweezer guy from earlier) can kick it through the uprights and get you three points. This is like if you don’t have time to vacuum your whole living room so you get the tweezer guy to grab a handheld vacuum and get some trouble spots. I have no idea why all these analogies are house cleaning based. They just are.

The slightly more complicated.

Okay so, in football there’s something called “first down” which generally speaking does not happen on first down… okay that was a rough opener. Basically you’ve got four tries (downs) to get 10 yards on the field. When you get those ten yards you get a ‘first down’ basically meaning you get another 4 downs to get 10 yards and get another ‘first down.’ Yeah… the terms are not well chosen. It’s distinctly possible for someone to fail utterly on first down but still get a first down because of some amazing success they achieved on third down. It’s just a poor plan. But the point is that if you don’t get a first down (ten yards) before fourth down (your fourth try) you give the ball back to the other team, which is what you don’t want to do. Got it?? Good.

Various Random Terms and Conditions

In football there is something called the line of scrimmage. The line of scrimmage is where every play starts, the defense and the offense each lining up along their respective sides. When the ball is snapped… not like literally snapped, because that would… well it would ruin the ball I suppose. When the ball is handed from the guy who starts with the ball, to the guy standing behind him is when the actual play begins. If anyone crosses the line of scrimmage before the ball is snapped (metaphorically) that’s a penalty. If no one moves after the ball is snapped… well that’s fine I guess but… ya know, probably not the best plan ever.

The line of scrimmage. One of the most unfriendly lines in America behind only the DMV and Starbucks.

The line of scrimmage. One of the most unfriendly lines in America behind only the DMV and Starbucks.

The two main type of plays in football are running plays wherein the quarterback hands the ball to the running back and the running back runs around until someone smashes him to the ground like a sack of pickles (don’t ask.) Or a passing play wherein the quarterback waits for a few seconds while everyone runs around, and then attempts to throw the ball to one of his wide receivers who will hopefully catch it and then run around until someone gives them said pickle-y treatment. If the quarterback misses his receiver and the ball hits the ground, nothing happens and everyone goes home. I mean, back to the line of scrimmage. If the quarterback gets hit before he throws the ball that is called a sack and gives the defenders a chance to pretend they just scored a touchdown and dance around like morons (though to a lesser extent because let’s face it, they basically just did exactly what they’re jobs are. Like at least if you’ve scored a touchdown you’ve gone semi-above and beyond. Tackling the guy on the field who is literally the easiest person to tackle is not really dance worthy, but I suppose as a defender you dance when you can dance and just hope the world dances with you… or something.)

And there you go my fellow nerds. That’s at least enough to get you started, or enable you to fake it through the first quarter of a football game after which point you’ll probably be able to sneak away and re-watch The Empire Strikes Back. Thanks for reading, and happy football!

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All right Internet I’m not gonna lie to you: currently I feel like a traveling group of howler monkeys are rehearsing the “Whistle While You Work” song from Snow White complete with actual sledge hammering inside my head. Yeah. It’s been fun. But here I am, rain or shine, sleet or hail, ache or… not ache.

So anyway, today we are returning to sports, and (bearing in mind it will be shorter than some other posts because of my raging angry headache monkey’s) here’s an excerpt from my rapidly expanding relationship book entitled:

Choosing a Sport- An Essential for Men a bonus for women.

Sports are a surprisingly  touchy subject between men and women. The reasons for this are long and complicated and probably have to do with hormones or chromosomes or… uteruses. Or something. But as a man in our society you are generally expected to give a fig. And as a women in our society today you can pretty much do whatever you want with sports. If you like sports: it’s kind of a cool side item, like if you have a strong passion for hamburgers or if you like video games (though liking video games is probably (dare we say it) even a greater thing. As a man though you’re expected to care and so we, the writers of this book, have conspired to bring to you a comprehensive list entitled:

Sports to Give a Fig About: A Guys Guide to Sounding Like You Care.

Baseball:

Baseball is a sport wherein a bunch of people stand around a field while one guy with a ball throws that ball at a guy with a stick. Sometimes the guy with a stick hits the ball and things get exciting but most of the time the guy with the stick misses the ball or (in an even more boring option) elects to not swing at the ball at all. In which case, the ball is returned to the first guy who will try again to get the guy with the stick to miss the ball, or at the very least to hit the ball at one of the other players on the field before those players fall asleep.

Baseball is a wonderful sport but it’s more about the tension and the strategies then the actual action. Roughly sixty percent of a baseball game is (to the untrained eye) a ball being thrown back and forth between the catcher and the pitcher ad nauseam. Once you understand baseball it all starts to make sense but until you understand baseball it will be slightly less entertaining then watching a race between a pack of dental floss and a rusty spoon.

And... go.

And… go.

Football (American):

American football is essentially the opposite of baseball. Every play in American football somebody tackles somebody else. American Football use to thrive on men hitting other men to the point where most of those men physically lost their brains. Nowadays though we’re more concerned with player safety or something like that so now we tackle more gently, or only at the torso, or only when we have asked for and received written consent from the other player. American football is also filled with things called: timeouts. Where large poorly dressed men on the sideline spend two minutes yelling at the huge muscular people about how they should better employ their huge muscles while the muscular men have Gatorade squirted at them by much much tinier men. It is hilarious.

Know that if you decide to follow football it will consume your Sundays four to five months out of every year. The thing about baseball or (to a lesser extent) basketball is that there are a LOT of games, so if you miss one it isn’t really that big a deal. But there are only 16 regular season games in football so missing even one of them is tantamount to missing the birth of one of your children. Potentially even worse because your child is unlikely to make an astonishing tackle or break a 50 yard running play for at least a couple months. Football is a commitment, and it’s a weekend commitment. You may have to sign up your wife for Yoga, or art classes, or perhaps strap her to the couch until she develops a crush on Tom Brady (five minutes or less in most cases) but something will have to give.

Basketball:

Basketball generally involves 10 people running up and down a court attempting to put a ball inside of a basketball, usually by throwing it but occasionally by actually grabbing the room and physically forcing the ball to go inside of it. Basketball features a lot of fouls, which is when someone does something (usually nothing you will notice) and then a guy gets to stand there all by himself and shoot the ball into the net (unless he misses like an idiot.)

Basketball is an interesting sport but for the most part you can skip the entire regular season and just watch the playoffs (see baseball.) The nice thing about being a basketball fan is that basketball highlights are very easy to find and when something big happens it’s easy to fake your way into it. For instance: If I talk at all about the Cleveland Cavaliers most people could probably respond along the lines of Lebron James doing something or (in some cases) not doing something. It’s easy to casually follow basketball whereas with Baseball your either in and a huge nerd, or out entirely; and football you have to sacrifice your Sundays and any potentially meaningful relationship with your children.

Golf:

Golf is super boring. A dude hits a ball at a hole. And then another dude hits the ball at that same hole. And sometimes someone hits it WAY better than other people have hit it…. And that’s it. Forever.

Oh the excitement....

Oh the excitement….

Now let the record show I’m not saying golf is easy. Golf is freakin’ difficult. I know. I suck at it. I’m just saying I don’t understand watching it. Especially since all the people on TV are good. Some better then others but they are all good. I think watching ME golf would be way more entertaining because (let’s be clear on this) I suck. A lot. But I’m funny (a little.)

Hockey:

Hockey is a game that no one really knows the rules for. At some points hitting someone is not okay and you will literally get sent out of the game to sit in a corner and think about what you’ve done. And at other points you can bring a mac truck driven by a grizzly onto the ice and run someone over with it and it will be fine. Also, there’s icing which involves something about a blue line and someone being on the wrong side of it, but only if he gets the puck, kind of like soccer’s offsides but (against all odds) harder to understand.

"How dare you hit that man in the way you hit that man, rather then in the approved way you should have hit that man, you stay in this box and think about what you've done!!"

“How dare you hit that man in the way you hit that man, rather then in the approved way you should have hit that man, you stay in this box and think about what you’ve done!!”

I don’t know that I’ve really given hockey a fair shake in my life. I’ve watched a few games and I’ve played NHL 95 as a child until my education was ruined but that’s about it. Some people love hockey but those people are on the whole Canadians who (in an astonishingly odd decision) live in Canada… all the time.

Soccer/the actual football:

Soccer generally involves 11 people standing around passing a ball at eachother for about 70 minutes and then for about twenty minutes at the end of the game everything goes nuts and people try and score all over the place. And when they do score they go nuts. Crazy. Like they used to do in football before the sport was taken over by Nazi’s.

Soccer is currently on trendy here in America thanks to a frankly fantastic World Cup but the thing with soccer is that 90 percent of soccer fans are what we call “soccer snobs.” They’re like fans of an indie band who once the band goes viral get really upset at the new fans because they aren’t “hardcore.” If you decide to follow soccer do it quietly for about a year and never use the phrase “So I just started watching soccer.” Pretend you’ve been following it since you were physically in your mother’s womb and that it just never came up before. “What? You like Tottenham Hotspur?? Me too!! I’ve been watching them for ages!!” That’s a much better intro and less likely to get you covered in nose hairs from “serious soccer fans” looking down on you.

And there you have it sports fans to be!! Thanks for reading everyone and check us out on Thursday for something that will probably actually relate somehow to movies!!

P.S. Also: in very exciting news, we’re opening up a new mail-bag feature on the sight!! Have a movie you want us to review, or a completely unrelated movie question that you would like answered?? Shoot us an e-mail at thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com you could be featured on the blog OR make it onto our youtube channel!!

Well hey everyone and welcome to a very special World Cup edition of Thoughts We Might Have Had. For the most part this site talks about movies, but also for the most part this site wanders around and doesn’t really talk about anything at all, so why not talk about something that will soon affect us all whether it be through the engaging, tense, climactic matches we love or through the endless commercials that the rest of you will have to suffer through. And so herein’ is a brief history of the World Cup, soccer, and long annoying commercials that use the phrase “Once in a lifetime” way too much.

Football, or soccer as various lame people call it, is a sport wherein two sides of 11 run up and down a huge field and hope to (at one point or another) get Dennis to PASS THE BALL!!! All across the world people of all ages play the game of football as long as your definition of “play” expands to young children sitting in the dirt and building mountains out of saliva and soil. But anyway, a lot of people believe that the first true game of soccer was played in China during the Han dynasty a dynasty widely famed for the invention of putting vague sentences that had nothing to do with the actual future in fortune cookies.

This has nothing to do with fortunes, Cookie. Nothing.

This has nothing to do with fortunes, Cookie. Nothing.

The Cambridge Rules (released from Cambridge University in 1848) standardized the rules for the game and went a long way towards stopping people from inventing rules; such as the famed “Piccadilly Chicken” rule wherein players would throw actual live chickens at the opposing team. But now that the good gents from Cambridge were involved, rules were standardized and this helped us have the first world cup!! But before we get to that let’s have a brief summary of…

The Rules of Football

At its simplest football features two teams of 11 each trying to get a tiny round ball into rectangular nets placed on either side of the field (or “pitch” as awesome people call it.) The trick being that they can’t use their hands at all to touch the ball (unless the ref is not looking)or if you are the one guy who can touch the ball with his hands as long as he stays inside a special “Hold the ball with your hands” box. This one person who can touch the ball with his hands (as long as he is in the box) is often called “the goalie,” “the keeper, or “the person everyone will invariably blame for anything that goes wrong” and it is his job to defend the rectangular goal from the other ten people and the small bouncy ball… thing.

The ten people (who can’t use their hands even if they are standing in the “hold the ball with your hands” box) are divided into various positions such as striker, sweeper, wing, left back, rear front, and receptionist. At the highest level  of the sport players shift and flex their positions to better accommodate the teams overall game plan. At the lowest level of the sport players shift and flex their positions to better accommodate the fact that no one wants to play defense.

And then of course there is one of football’s most misunderstood rules: offsides. Offsides is perhaps best explained by the following chart.

Clear enough?

Clear enough?

Ha ha! I kid. Seriously though: Offsides is when there is no defensive player between an offensive player and the goal… except for the goalie who does not count. Or if it’s a Tuesday. Or if the offensive player sounds like “A” as in neighbor and way.

So now that we have a real comprehensive understanding of the rules of football let’s take a moment to talk about the history of perhaps the greatest celebration of soccer: the World Cup.

The History of the World Cup

England and Scotland played the first ever international Soccer game and it (in an incredibly exhilarating turn) ended in a 0-0 tie.  When the world cup finally took on the form we know it as today (it floundered for a few years pre-world war 2) it was about 1950 and was (like this year’s cup) held in Brazil. Brazil (in other world cup facts) is also the country that has won the most world Cup titles (5) with Italy (4) and Germany (3) coming in behind them… or it… or whatever other plural word that should be.

Happy 2014 everyone!! Enjoy the show!

Happy 2014 everyone!! Enjoy the show!

And now we stand on the brink of yet another tournament, the football world echoes with names like Namar, Ronaldo, and Messi which are either some of the world’s top soccer playersor the names of some powerful cleaning products and with that question burning in your mind like tiny football balls of fire I bid you adieu and Merry World cup to all!!

Well hey everyone, and welcome to Monday. A day that will wrap you up in the warm loving arms of its own sad, unbearable, hopelessness and make you forget that the weekend ever happened. Which, if you’re a Broncos fan, really isn’t that bad!! Ha ha, oh the sports jokes. Seriously though, I’m out of sports jokes, and as you may have gathered from the title of this article sports aren’t going to be referred to much at all in here. Sure, it’s a blog about the winter Olympics but let’s face it: I’m writing this.

The Winter Olympics are a lot like the Summer Olympics except immensely less entertaining. When the Summer Olympics happened (roughly… nine years ago I think) I released a list of some sports I liked and some I didn’t and what I thought could be done to improve those ones (in this case 5 I don’t like and a few that I do). Here’s a similar list, though (like the Winter Olympics themselves) it will probably be less entertaining then the summer ones.

1. Cross country skiing.

Cross Country skiing might not be saveable. It’s just a lot of people wandering around a forest wearing skis. Forever. I’m not sure what the actual runtime for  something like this is but it’s WAY too long. This sport is like the movie White Fang except without White Fang or dialogue or anything that made that movie at all interesting.

You could fix it by: Umm… releasing an angry white fang to pick off the stragglers??? Probably not huh?

Yeah, they're going uphill. It's kind of like someone took the worst part of skiing and made a sport out of it.

Yeah, they’re going uphill. It’s kind of like someone took the worst part of skiing and made a sport out of it.

2. Biathlon.

The Biathlon is (if possible) even more boring than cross country skiing. It’s basically the same long slow slog of people wearing skis and moving very slowly through forests, except in the biathlon they stop and shoot pieces of paper. And not like, cowboy style blasting away at the paper. No no no they take their TIME. TIME magazine style time. You could read TIME magazine in the time it takes them to shoot one target and I’m pretty sure they shoot more than one. I say “pretty sure” cause I’ve never actually waited long enough to see them actually shoot the target. For all I know they may just stand there and aim at the thing for five minutes before peacefully moving on. Fortunately there’s an easy way to fix the biathlon.

You could fix it by: having the contestants shoot at each other. Who loses here huh? You don’t even have to use real bullets here Hunger Games fans. Just give them paintball guns and turn them loose, first person to cross the finish line or last man standing wins! This, I would watch.

3. All the sledding things.

There is no shortage of people moving down hills at high speeds in the winter Olympics. You’ve got skeleton (stomach down, head first), luge (back down, feet first), and bobsledding  (Jamaicans.) And that’s not counting the eight varieties of bobsledding (couples, fourples, triples, double bass, mens, womens, and high school mixer.) All of these sports basically just involve people in a sled moving rapidly down a hill. My advice for watching these sports is just to wait until the last round and watch that. There is no point in wading through an hour of bobsledding only to have to come back the next day and watch the exact same thing happen again.

You could fix it by: umm… that’s a tough one. Mostly you could fix it by not watching it till the finals. It’s interesting enough, just not for long periods of time. Or maybe just do it like musical chairs. Instead of having a four person bobsled team and four seats why not have a four person team and three seats? At least that way there’s some drama each time.

4. All the skiing things.

And once again we find ourselves standing at the top of the hill, doing some stuff, and then being at the bottom of the hill. With skiing you have several varieties including downhill, the bumpy one, the one with the flags, and the jumpy one (easily the best one.)  Things such as this  are also probably best served just by watching the finals. They are slightly more entertaining than four people riding in a sled down a hill over and over again, but also not really entertaining enough to warrant you watching all five Swedish people run down the hill just to not qualify for the finals because they leaned imperceptibly to the left at one point.

You could fix it by: hmmm… I think what skiing really needs is to start letting adorable animals take over. I mean we have a puppy bowl right? Why not just strap some skis to a kitten and send it down a hill? People would watch that, and while it wouldn’t be as fast as humans I feel like the entertainment factor would be more appealing across the board.

The Canadian skier after a particularly nasty wipeout.

The Canadian skier after a particularly nasty wipeout.

5. Curling.

In curling one dude pushes a huge rock down a thing and tries to get it to stop in a circle. Meanwhile, other people are sweeping in front of the rock because… umm… Canadians really don’t have much else to do. Curling is easily the funniest Olympic sport but I feel there’s one obvious way to improve it.

You could fix it by: explosions. Instead of a rock just use a grenade. If the grenade stops in the blue circle it disarms if it stops anywhere else you have 5 seconds to clear out before it explodes. 5 seconds is a long time. No one would die in these explosions, they would just add a nice punctuation mark to the end of a failed curl (if that is in fact what that would be called), and everyone loves punctuation. Right?!.,;:’”[{]}??

And finally a couple sports that you should just watch.

Speed skating: speed skating is fairly awesome (though the longer races start to feel a little Nascar-ish.) There’s some legitimate strategy involved, the races usually aren’t that long, and there’s a constant risk of collision and death. It’s like watching hurdles except for sharper!!

Anything involving snowboards: snowboards are like skis except far cooler. I could sit here all day and debate which is harder but I feel there’s no debate that snowboarding is just more awesome. Sorry skiers of the world.

Figure skating: I know, I know. It’s not exactly the manliest thing on this list but I’m the guy who broke down in-depth, the best Disney song so hey, whatever. My wife watches figure skating because of the beauty and the glamor, and the sweeping majesty of the human spirit… or something. I mostly watch for the chance of wipe outs, the hilarious costume choices, and the faces people make when the judges announce their scores. It cracks me up.

Seriously though... whose idea was this?

Seriously though… whose idea was this?

So there you go guys. A nice prep column to get you all excited for the Olympics kicking off on Friday check back in on Thursday for a continuation of the party and be sure to tune in on Friday for the hilarious, existential, Russianness that are bound to be the opening ceremonies.

There are two things in this world that I am terrible at. Okay so a lot more than two but two important ones (other things I am terrible at: being a Unicorn, reciting long passages from The Diary of Anne Frank, and being bad at everything else). The two important things I am bad at are: grammar (something you are all intimately familiar with) and Math. Thusly, and hithermore, keeping score has always been one of my least favorite things ever. And thus we have this blog post.

The Olympics:

Oh Olympics, the sleep I have lost to you in the last week and a half. Ya know what the problem is with the Olympics? It’s like eating pringles. There’s always that “just one more” mentality. “Oh it’s the men’s 110 meter hurdles?? I don’t really care but… I mean it won’t take that long so… I’ll watch just one more race.” And so on and so on. Before you know it its 11:45 and you’re watching Women’s Long Jump, which is potentially the least entertaining thing on television since The View.

“Oh the View is on?? Hang on a sec I’m just gonna go savage my brain with this spatula. I’ll be back.”

A couple of Random Olympic notes before I talk about that thing I said I was going to talk about… that I don’t remember anymore…

The difference between Men’s and Women’s Hurdles is hilarious. Women jump over the hurdles with grace and speed like super stressed out Gazelle’s being chased by rush hour traffic… or lions.  If a women hits a hurdle she is definitely slowed and more likely than not taking a one way trip towards Failure Junction with a stop at Your-face-in-pavement Boulevard. It takes a ton of skill. Men hurdlers… male hurdlers? Whatever. Men who jump over hurdles don’t jump over them as much as they jump through them. I mean the guy who won the gold medal in hurdling knocked over two hurdles and that was probably the least of anyone in his race. You know how many hurdles the women’s gold medalist knocked over?? None. I think just to make things more interesting we should start sharpening the tops of the hurdles. That way there would be some additional incentive for the men to actually ya know… hurdle them.

“Oh we were supposed to jump OVER them… that explains a lot”

I have no idea how long jumping is supposed to be entertaining. I’m not saying it’s not hard, I mean these people are jumping ridiculous amounts of feets; I’m just saying that it’s not exactly super entertaining. I mean maybe once or twice but each jumper gets 5 tries. Plus I have no idea at which part of the crater left in the sand the measurements are actually taken. I mean people literally win this competition by millimeters and the measurements are taken from four foot construction excavations left in the sand… I don’t understand it. I think just to make things more interesting we should only give everyone one jump and replace the sand with one of those ball pits from McDonalds, that way measuring would be even more confusing and we could all catch horrible diseases from the snot nosed little TB incubators that we’re in there before us!

Long jump: It’s exactly as much fun as it looks.

Okay now… what was I talking about before that?? Oh oh right keeping score.

Ya know what I miss? 10’s. I’ve talked at semi-length about Gymnastics this year but one of the other sports I like watching is diving… wow I sound boring huh?… hang on.

One of the other sports I like watching, while I do pull-ups, is diving. And do you know (Microsoft word is getting tired of “ya” so I’m trying to give it a few sentences off) how they keep score in diving? Actual numbers. Things like: 8, 8.5, 4, 3, and Ticonderoga. And do you know what a great score is in diving? 10. And a bad score? 3. I appreciate that; I can look at a score from a diver and automatically know how it compared to someone else’s. Assuming I can see the numbers around my huge, bulging, muscular, biceps that is.

In London the judges get their private little cubbie holes. I guarantee you at last two of the people in this picture are asleep.

And dost thou know how they keep score in gymnastics? Yeah, me neither. Gymnastics uses a numerical system that several leading judges came up with while completely wasted on pixie sticks and Alka-Seltzer. Do you know what McKayla Maroney’s score on her now legendary vault that may or may not have revolutionized the lives of millions of tiny girl typed children? A 16.233. And are you aware of what that means? Me neither. But here let me turn things over to my cousin Dorky Billy who will know explain it to you in a heinously boring way.

Well Micah, Gymnastics scores are based not a crude numerical one through ten score, but rather on a sophisticated mathematical system that takes the skill required and the precision with which that skill is performed and allows it to…

I’m back. Sorry. He had to be killed. Apparently Gymnastics is based on a numerical system only understood by people who have advanced degrees in calculus, who are now minus one nerdy relation to me. Sorry about that guys.

But hey that’s gymnastics. I sort of semi-understand why it has to be complicated. It’s the Olympics, you don’t want to mess up. Though somehow you ended up with two different gymnasts having the exact same score TWICE, and a girl who won a tie breaker because she fell off a balance beam horribly but did mostly okay in everything else but hey, who am I to question your giant brains.

Somehow the term “thinly veiled hatred” seems grossly inadequate.

Ya know what other sport has a heinously complicated scoring system?? (Sorry Word) Bowling.

This week me, my wife, and two very good friends of ours (or my wife, my friends, and I if you’re keeping score at home, alone, without any friends) decided to grace the lanes of our local bowling alley with our own graceful graciness. Now, I am fairly decent at bowling… that’s kind of insulting right? I mean if you can say “Man I’m good at bowling” you should probably just stop talking right? Bowling is one of those sports where if you’re really bad at it, it’s probably better for you in the long run. Sure you don’t win any bowling games but you’re probably winning at life a lot more than the guy who beat you. Anyway though… does anyone at all in the world understand how bowling actually tallies up the numbers? Or do we all just rely completely on the mechanized scory machine thing that does the math for us?

Because it’s not just: “I knocked over six pins, I have six points!!” No, no, no. Put your bowling shoes on little one and let me tell you a story of Math. Cause there’s something that has to do with getting a strike and having it still count towards your points for the previous round, which is good. And then there’s getting a spare which is not as good as getting a strike but does mean you still get to bowl on the previous round and gives you the opportunity to “strike a spare” or “spare a strike” both of which are good but not as good as “striking a strike” though they would both make much better band names.

And then there’s the infamous “round 10” (the best band name yet) in which you can (I think) keep bowling forever if you get a strike everytime… which sounds like some sort of ancient Greek Judgement doesn’t it?

“Then verily Zeus condemned Palinous too bowl for the rest of eternity, scoring a strike upon round ten so that he was never able to actually win a game.”

And then there’s the fact that the computer regularly withholds the current score from you as it waits for the “strike to factor in” or “the spare to be completed” or “the cows to come home.”

And no Wii bowling does not count. Ever.

If I ever work in a bowling alley I’m gonna start making up scores arbitrarily and sticking them on the scoreboard just to see how many people actually catch on.

“Wow Mom you knocked over two pins the entire game and somehow ended up with 400 points… oh well. That’s bowling for you!!”

And that is this blog for you! Basically a long explanation of why I am WAY too lazy to keep actual score of what I’m doing.  Thanks for reading and we’ll see you next week!

A Day in the Life: The Amazing Spiderman

Posted: August 6, 2012 by Micah in Sports

Way way back in the yonder times of yonder years I played a Spiderman game on a borrowed Playstation. (side note: the spellings of Spiderman on the internet disagree on whether it’s: spider-man, spider man, or spiderman. I’m going with option three cause my fingers can be lazier that way). I don’t even remember what the Title of that game was but I remember I loved it. I remember I literally almost talked my dad into letting me purchase a Playstation just so I could play Spiderman. It was that good. Or I was that dumb. Either way really… Anyway that trip through nostalgia aside, I recently (through semi nefarious means) acquired a copy of the newest Spiderman game (The Amazing Spiderman) and sat down to play it! Here… is what unfolded.

Ya know what the first thing I wanted to do as Peter Parker was?? The very first thing I wanted to say I had accomplished as I jump into the red and blue suit?? Well, it was being led around on a pointless lab tour by Gwen Stacy of course!! Oh, wait no it wasn’t not even a little bit. And yet that’s what I did… for like… ten hours. Or minutes. Or days. And during this time all I could do was swivel my head around like Gwen was carrying some sort of giant bobble-head of Peter Parker and I was just the bobbled head. Anyway, as we were walking and Gwen was talking about lip-locking and grandma’s stockings and… ahem… sorry. As we were walking along and Gwen was telling me all about how Oscorp (the company she works for) was totally changing its direction now that The Lizard was in prison (this game is set just after the events of the recently released movie). And how they were putting all of their weird/horrible science experiments away and starting production on a brand new project called Fluffy Bunny Party, wouldn’t ya know all of the weird horribly mutated science experiments escaped from their “Totally Inescapable by Weird Mutated Science Experiment” cages.

And let me remind you that while all of these horrible mutant monstery things were escaping their horrible mutant monstery pens the most I could do was nod at them in a threatening sort of way.

“Oh yeah, Human/Rhino mutant well check this out” (headshake) “Yeah, you best be fearing the bobble.”

Fear me!!

Anyway eventually the game (titled The Amazing Spiderman in case we had forgotten) actually let me be, ya know, Spiderman. So I saved some people in the lab but in the end the mutant monster people all escaped into the streets of New York and I was tasked with the job of tracking them all down, before they infected the city and I became a useless Bobbled figure once more.

And so (finally) almost an hour after I started playing the game I was standing on top of a New York city skyscraper as Spiderman. And ya know what? It was totally worth it.

Yeah… pretty sure this whole city was invented for me.

So I spent the next hour or so swinging around New York City! Sure the game kept flashing some sort of emergency signal about “Giant robot killing hundreds of people” but ya know what New York-ians? I can climb to the top of this skyscraper jump off to the top, web my way across an alley, and land delicately on the top of a light pole. And ya know why?? Because I am Spiderman. Back. Off.

It also turned out that there were some muggings going on around the city, which were conveniently pointed out by my map/cell phone thing. The first one I approached with my usual sensitive/personal approach and went running into a back alley and beat the ever loving, Kazoo playing, lips off of said mugger. Which was super easy. Really WAY to easy. And so to mix things up a bit I started climbing as high as I possibly could and then dropping from buildings and trying to land on the muggers in mid mug. This worked out amazingly well and provided me with some hilarious mental images as I (awesome web based super hero) plummeted thousands of feet before landing on someone who was in the middle of some kind of intimidating sentence.

“Hand over your money lady before I…” Spiderman.

That poor mugger never knew what hit him

Anyway… eventually I decided I mine as well go and check out the giant blinky light of death on my map because obviously it would keep distracting me from my web slinging unless I shut it up.

When I arrive at the “blinky light thing” on my map it turns out that the Giant Robot is in fact rather large (as one may have surmised from his name). And here’s where I appreciate the Amazing Spiderman. In just about every video game ever my job would have been to walk up to the robot and punch it. A lot. Like a WHOLE lot. Like just a whole mess of super powered punchiness before it finally blew up because I had punched it SO very hard. Which of course makes absolutely ZERO sense.

Help, it’s a Giant Robot… somebody punch it!!

So the Amazing Spiderman took (what I thought) was a very cool angle on things. Instead of doing a “Place fist A against robot leg B” sort of thing it set up a couple “hot points” on the robot that I could exploit (assuming I was fast enough to get in there and do so). For instance, the robot was flailing its huge legs at me and swiveling its angry eyes to fire lasers just like my second grade English teacher used to do (metaphorically) and while it was doing this I swung in and ripped some of the safety panels off its cooling fans. Then blasted said cooling fans with my webs, over heating its laser targeting system which allowed me to lead the missiles it was firing on a merry chase around the block before making them collide with the robot itself.

 

Sure it’s still pretty unlikely to actually happen but it certainly makes a lot more sense than the typical video game directions “punch it… hard.” Plus it really made itself a very “Spiderman” sort of fight. Basically my feet were never on the ground through the entire fight. I was busily swooping around the robot, occasionally ricocheting off buildings, street lamps, or the robot itself. Anyway in the end the robot ended up a smoking pyle of rubble and I saluted the good people of New York before wandering off to pointlessly scale skyscrapers some more.

Thanks for reading!! Check back Thursday for some more Olympic stuff and maybe a movie review… who knows, apparently I do those from time to time.

So last night I had the rare honor of sitting down and watching my TV slowly commit suicide. I mean watching the Olympics while my Digital Antenna thingy freaked out. Either way. Here’s what went down.

***

Well here we are! I just got back from dropping my car off in the shop (due to the fact that it has the same robust health as say… a ferret… that’s malnourished… and missing two feet… and dead.) and now it’s time to sit down with my wife and watch the Olympics! WOOT!!

And hey, look it’s women’s rowing. I was gonna make a “row row row your boat” joke here but then I realized that the joke wouldn’t be funny because it’s way too close to being true. I’m pretty sure that’s what that useless person in the front of the boat is actually yelling at the people behind her.

“I said GENTLY down the stream! GENTLY!!”

Ya know what rowing needs? Cannons.

I mean its one thing to say you can row this tiny little boat across the channel at Mach 5 or so, but wouldn’t you like this sport so much better if the person in the front had a cannon? Not even like a pirate cannon, just one of those portable mounted ones. And it wouldn’t even have to fire deadly balls of lead, we could use paint and the effect would be one-hundred percent the same. “Cannon-fire rowing” would be about a million times more entertaining than just regular rowing! Think about it Olympic people. Think about it.

Okay now that the rowing is over we’re gonna apparently move on to swimming. I have very mixed emotions where swimming is concerned. I enjoy watching it but… at the same time it is (occasionally) incredibly boring. It’s people swimming to one wall, then turning around and swimming back, and turning around and swimming back, and so on and so forth. This is also why I don’t enjoy track and field events where the people go around the track 4 bajillion times, I’m not saying it’s not impressive, I mean I couldn’t make it around the track once before I had to sit down and play Batman Arkham City for an hour to motivate myself. I’m just saying it’s not the most exciting thing to watch.

Ya know what swimming needs? Sharks.

This is either a Shark or Michael Phelps… hard to tell…

And they wouldn’t even need them at every race, just one. Can you imagine if they had a massive shark tank on the side of the swimming pool and everyone knew that during one of the races they were going to fling it open? All the sudden every swimming race becomes drastically more exciting. Even the ones where the shark stays in the cage entirely become more exciting purely by virtue of the potential of there being a shark involved. Plus it would get rid of the whole awkward part at the end where whoever won the race tries to celebrate their victory while at the same time staying in the pool and thus having to focus on things like: not drowning. As soon as that race was over you’d be getting out of the pool. Why? Because of the potential of horrible ravenous shark related death. I’m just saying Olympics… think about it.

And now it’s time for volleyball. Ya know, seeing how I tuned into this thing to watch Women’s Gymnastics NBC seems to be going WAY out of its way to NOT show me Women’s Gymnastics. Thanks for that NBC. Oh also thanks for the whole “We’re steaming these live so America can cheer on the Olympics” campaign but neglecting to mention the part where by “americans” you meant “americans with cable” Why do I need to stream it if I already have cable?? Even If you were to say… charge me twenty bucks for access that would be something I could accept, but saying I can only watch it online if I already have the ability to watch it offline seems a little self-conflicting. By which I mean: stupid.

Anywho… bitterness aside Men’s Olympic Volleyball is about the most exciting form of volleyball there is, which is to say I went and took a shower while it was on. Volleyball is one of those sports that I genuinely like to play but don’t really like to watch. No idea why… I actually like beach volleyball better because there are less people and more running around… no idea why that is.

Ya know what Volleyball needs? Yeah, me neither.

Okay finally on to some Gymnastics!! Gymnastics is probably the most exciting Summer Olympic Sport to watch for a couple reasons, which I will list in a bold typed fonty way.

Why Women’s Gymnastics is the Most Exciting Summer Olympic Sport

The Magnificent Five… or something like that…

  1. Crazy degree of difficulty

Have you SEEN the sort of things these girls are doing? I mean if you can run full speed at a springboard loaded jumpy thing and go careening into the air without dying on the landing I will be VERY impressed. Let alone somehow controlling yourself to the point where you can do two and a half spins and land on your feet. It’s ridiculous.

       2. Artistry.

I realize men’s gymnastics is probably just as difficult but men’s gymnastics is just sort of… I don’t know… odd. Pommel horse just looks weird. Let me be clear on the fact that men’s gymnasticism is crazy difficult and WAY more than I could ever do but it’s just weird. Women’s gymnastics isn’t just hard but it’s about making hard stuff look easy. Watching Gabby Douglas fly around on uneven bars isn’t just impressive cause it’s hard, it’s impressive because it’s hard but doesn’t look hard. Yeah… I’ve written better sentences then that.

      3. Crazy “oooohhhfff” moments.

When someone messes up in swimming you know what happens? They finish last. Which is to say: you probably didn’t notice. You know what happens when someone messes up in Gymnastics? They die. Or come very close to it. Girls fall off balance beams, slam their heads into the floor, break their knees careening into the ground at weird angles and many many other forms of “oh my word-ary.” It’s weird to say this makes you want to watch Gymnastics more, but it does. Because really it’s a combination of all three of these things that makes Women’s Gymnastics awesome: the crazy hardness, the effortless look of it, and the tension of knowing that one wrong move will result in terrible horrible bodily injury. And that is why: Women’s Gymnastics is the Most Exciting Summer Olympic Sport.

P.S. If you haven’t seen McKayla Maroney do the vault you have MISSED OUT. Watching her vault is like watching a Ninja jump through a black hole made of sugar flavored lightning and daintily land in a meadow made of Smarties and sunshine. That said: Maroney didn’t compete tonight.

Who started this whole “metal eating” thing? That can’t be healthy right?

I was gonna take you through all the different exercises of the Women’s Finals but I seem to already be at four million words and my fingers hurt. So let me just say that Gabby Douglas deserves massive props for winning the all-around Gold and that I think the way that Women’s Gymnastics breaks ties for third place is retarded. Oh oh oh wait a sec…

Ya know what Women’s Gymnastics Needs? Chicken.

And not like… poultry…. Though actually that would probably be entertaining too… man… so many good ideas, why am I not being paid by someone to come up with these? Anyway what women’s Gymnastics needs are GAMES of chicken. If two Gymnasts are tied (which happened last night) instead of some weird tie breaker involving scores and math and things, what they need to do is set up two vaulting platforms facing each other set both gymnasts off into their vault routines and whoever dies less wins!! Can you imagine being set up on this against Maroney? She would probably launch the other gymnast back in time when they collided.

So there you have it! Five bajillion words on the Olympics that end with the answer to the great mystery of time travel: McKayla Maroney!!

That judge in the background was just sent back to the 70’s. Thus the hair. OH!!! Burn…

P.S.S. Ya know what else is dumb? The fact that the person who finished 4th in the qualifying round (Jordyn Wieber) didn’t get to compete for the All Around metal but the person who finished 18th did. Something about each country only being able to enter in two athletes to the finals. At what point did letting less talented people compete instead of more talented people seem like a good idea Olympics? That’s like saying “Man, I could watch the full Batman trilogy but… I don’t know, I feel like I’m favoring them too much, so after I watch the first two I’m gonna go rent “Land Before Time 46: The Happiest Fossil” just to keep things fair.