Posts Tagged ‘Goodbye Christopher Robin’

Well hey audience! Welcome to Thursday, you did the thing… mostly. I mean sure it’s not REALLY the weekend yet, but Friday is basically just Weekend Lite. Nothing truly profitable has ever happened on a Friday. Friday’s are just days for half way doing things that you will inevitably have to re-do on Monday anyway.

The Weekly Headlines 6/15/2017

Jessica Chastain is in talks for the villain role in the upcoming ‘X-men: Dark Phoenix (what do you mean we already made Dark Phoenix.)’ Do we HAVE to make this movie guys? I mean… I mean really can we just leave the X-men alone for a little bit? Also, you guys are aware that there are other X-men stories than Dark Phoenix right?? We’ve done this one twice now and neither time has it worked. So now we’ve got an unremarkable cast, telling a tired story, that the audience is tired of. Nothing about this movie interests me. Literally nothing. I just don’t care anymore X-men, go home take a nap, check in with me in a few years.


Remember these boring people??? Well… they’re back. Apparently. Yay…


Oh hey, speaking of things I don’t care at all about, Cars 3. That’s happening this week. Cars 3 is really going for the Nascar sort of “sit through 10 hours of nothing for like a ten minute stretch of interesting things, during which somebody probably got hurt real bad. In this case the injury occurring to me: the person watching it.

The “Dark Universe” as we’re apparently calling it now took a hit this week when ‘The Mummy’ failed to make even a tiny bit of ‘The Money.’ For those of you who don’t know ‘The Dark Universe’ is what Universal studios is calling it’s new Monster Franchise and when I say ‘new’ I mean new! They tried this with Dracula Untold and it failed, so they semi-tried it again with Frankenstein which also tanked but if Universal studios has learned anything over it’s years as a viable movie making company it’s that constant colossal failure doesn’t mean you shouldn’t do the exact same thing again. Included in the Dark Universe Monster Mash are The Mummy (sort of), Frankenstein(‘s Bride), the Invisible Man (as played by Johnny Depp for some reason,) Dracula (a new one… again) Dr. Jekyll, the creature from the Black Lagoon (cause apparently that is still a thing that exists) and then just to make the creature from the Black Lagoon look less fantastically out of place they’ve also included The Phantom of the Opera and The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Wait, what????? The Hunchback of Notre Dame isn’t a supernatural character even a little bit. He’s a deformed creature with a heart of gold who may or may not marry a gypsy woman depending on what version you’re watching. And the Phantom of the Opera??? He’s just a guy with some acne, who happens to know a lot about one specific theater, and stalks a girl!!! That’s not a supernatural force of darkness. That’s like… most Best Buy employee. We all thought this was a really bad idea when you were just going to team up the good monsters in a shameless attempt to mimic the Avengers. Now you’re including irrelevant characters who are almost hilariously outgunned?? Wait that’s Hawkeye isn’t it?? Anyway: this is a terrible idea.


The members of the Dark Universe everyone… or at least… three to four of the good to okay ones.


The first trailer for Goodby Christopher Robin came out this week and punched me right in the childhood. Maybe that’s why I just wrote a 200 word rant insulting most of the employees of a national electronic story. Maybe I’m also hungry I don’t know. This movie looks good though!


I just… the tears…. I can’t.


Oh also a trailer came out for ‘Daddy’s Home 2’ because why settle for just one cinematic garbage fire when you can make a second, bigger one!!

Seriously, I am salty today… hang on let me try and find something positive to end on umm… Oh yeah: Wonder Woman is at the top spot in the box office again guys and that’s great! DC finally made a good movie, women everywhere finally got a decent solo film, yay for positives!

There you have it guys, thanks for reading and hey, if you were ever curious about the tiny island called Guam that I grew up on give the latest episode of my podcast a listen! We talk about some real weird legends and just a little bit about my fear of water.