Archive for the ‘Randomnicity’ Category

Well hey Internet, happy Thursday, and welcome back to that old and familiar, delicious and nutritious family favorite: The Box Office Top Ten.

BOTT: 6/1/2017

Number 10: Beauty and the Beast

Yep… this movies still around… it’s pretty dang good… that’s all I got.

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Just smell that rose, Belle. The rose of all that sweet cash!

 

Number 9: The Boss Baby

Oh hey, this movies still around too! It’s pretty umm… it uh… it exists. Probably. It probably exists. We good?

Number 8: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword

Look, we all knew this movie probably wouldn’t be all that great. And it isn’t. The real mystery and intrigue now surrounding this movie is: will they actually make a sequel?? Cause initially this was supposed to be the first movie of some big epic sweeping movie franchise but… It’s a bad movie. It made no money. Do you make a sequel to that? Does Hollywood really have this much faith in Guy Ritchie??? Why? What has he done for you lately?? What has he done for you… ever??

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Yes he did give you this King Arthur. But I don’t think he can take full credit for Charlie Hunman existing.

 

Number 7: Snatched

It’s a heist movie. Don’t worry about it it’s just… it exists. You can rent this in like… a week. Don’t see it in a theater please.

Number 6: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Holy Berries Why Did We Make This???

Yeah… this is a bad sequel to a bad movie. It’s all bad all the time. It’s a bad party of badness. Full of bad.

Number 5: Everything, Everything

Something something High School Drama, something something YOLO. It’s not a bad movie but… it’s not good. It’s just a movie about some young people finding their hearts and learning about life and things. You’ve seen it, you’ve done it, you’ve owned it.

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Look at all the High School they’re having!

 

Number 4: Alien: Covenant

I just did a full review of this but suffice to say: it’s probably fine. Less than good, more than bad. Less sugar than other brands.

Number 3: Baywatch

Hey, remember how we all thought making a movie out of a sketchy 90’s TV show based around the idea of “pectorals” was kind of unfortunate idea?? Yeah, we were very right guys! Go us! Not this movie. This movies the worst.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

I did a full review of this too and it’s still pretty sweet Jackson guys!! I don’t know what sweet Jackson is… but this movie is that. And that is good.

Number 1: Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

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Pirates 5 because umm… Hats? We had these hats…

 

Look guys… it’s a thing. These movies are just gonna keep being made and… I guess they’re fine. Johnny Depp is good at playing that one character over and over again isn’t he? So… yay? I guess.

And there you have it guys! The cinema landscape pre-Wonder Woman! Enjoy it while you can!

Box Office Top Ten 5-25-2017

Posted: May 26, 2017 by Micah in Randomnicity

Hello Internet, I come before you today a sad and penitent man. A man who has strived, striven, and stroven to post this week and yet… haven’t. I have let you down Internet, and for that I am sorry. From the front of my right index finger to to the middle of my right index finger… I apologize. Next week things should be back to normal but just to give you a quick fix of your weekly Thoughts, here’s a fast run down of…

The Box Office Top Ten 5-25-2017 

Number 10: How to Be a Latin Lover 

How to Be a Latin Lover isn’t a horrible comedy… but it’s not an especially good one. It’s fairly middling script is picked up by a solid cast but frankly if you haven’t seen this movie at this point you probably should just let it slide right off your calendar and catch it when it inevitably ends up on Hulu in 6 months or so.

Number 9: Beauty and the Beast 

It’s great and magical and you and your children will be whisked away on silver swans, to a golden lake filled with your childhood memories and children’s childhood memories and the HUGE stacks of cash Disney made off this movie.

Number 8: The Boss Baby 

Nothing truly horrible here, a fairly paint by numbers kid movie, we’ll get to the truly awful kids movie later but if you’ve seen Beauty and the Beast more times than your brain cares to think about than this is probably your best bet as far as childtainment goes.

Number 7: The Fate of the Furious 

Oh yeah… this movie’s still around. I don’t know whether it’s because the ad campaign for this movie started up like 6 months ago or because the Rock has another movie opening this week (the genuinely terrible Baywatch movie) but I honestly thought this movie was already out of theaters. That said as action movies go it’s perfectly serviceable. As a title goes it blew the whole F8 of the Furious thing. I’m dissapointed.

Number 6: Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Wait Seriously We Made Two of These??? 

As promised: a truly terrible children’s movie.

Number 5: King Arthur: Legend of the Sword 

Well… at least I called it. KA:LotS is just another Guy Ritchie movie. Plenty of flash, no substance. It’s not the worst action movie you’ll see this year but there’s just not a lot here beyond some cool camera work and the buffest King Arthur since… ever.

Number 4: Snatched 

Amy Schumer stars in a movie that’s not as funny as it should be. It’s not the least funny movie you’ll see this summer (Yes, that’s gonna be Baywatch) but there’s nothing here that really justifies you seeing it.

Number 3: Everything Everything 

A teenage girl with a rare disease that keeps her isolated falls in love with a teenage boy who cares enough to get to know her for her. Ya know, like every teen movie ever made.

Number 2: Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 

It’s great. Seriously. Super good. I did a full review of this back when I still wrote on this blog but just to save you some valuable finger scrolling energy allow me to summarize: it’s very good. You should watch it.

Number 1: Alien Covenant 

Look… I’m gonna do a full review of this at some point but let me just say this: it’s better than Prometheus.

Also let me say: It’s not that good. It has its moments of good, but it is not (when collected together and put upon a large projection screen) a very good movie. Sorry Alien fans… we’ll just have to wait.

And there you go guys! Sorry once again for my absence this week, should be back to my regular schedule next week! I’ll probably be doing a mailbag so be sure to leave your questions in the comments or send them to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com.

Also: check out my comedy podcast over here!! thepsv.podbean.com

Thanks, and I’ll see you next week!

Well hey audience! Welcome back to another thrilling entry in our beloved yet long forgotten series: Judging Covers, wherein I (your beloved and benevolent host) watch a bunch of trailers and then jump to ridiculous conclusions based on them.

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This is a VERY scary trailer. Be advised.

Sweet baby chains that looks terrifying doesn’t it? I mean why did you watch that? How will you ever be a rambunctious 80’s child without being terrified of awful clown men?? I’m still not entirely sure how much like the book this movie is going to be, because the book didn’t really go all scary clown all the time. There was more than enough scary clown mind you, but just not ALL scary clown. I’ve typed scary clown to many times guys. It’s starting to wig me out. Why am I talking about them again? Oh yeah. It. Looks terrifying but I will probably watch it on account of… why AM I gonna watch that? What has Stephen King done for me lately?? Has he scared that one clown that keeps showing up in my backyard away?? Has HE been responsible for Idris Elba having awesome cowboy guns and reloading them in the dopest way imaginable?? Oh wait… he did do that one didn’t he?

Blade Runner 2049

I was genuinely just set to not be excited about this movie and just let the warm and vague memories I have of the original Blade Runner keep me warm in the night time… but that trailer actually looked VERY good. Like… almost unnaturally good. Ford looks great, Gosling’s character seems to have some interesting things to do, and Jared Leto playing that one weird guy he always plays seems like it’s gonna actually work this time! I don’t WANT to be excited for this… but I very much am.

Kingsman The Golden Circle

Look, the first movie in this series was… more or less fine. It existed. It tried to strike a weird balance between making constant fun of James Bond movies and how dumb they were, while at the same time definitely being one of those movies. It was fun in its own weird way and I’m excited about the addition of Pedro Pascal and Channing Tatum’s one facial expression. My guess is this will be exactly as entertaining as the first one which is to say: marginally entertaining if you like this sort of hyper-action style of movie. So that was… helpful??? I guess.

Star Wars The Last Jedi

All right guys, it’s time for the big show! The Last Jedi… or maybe The Last Jedi(s)?? Hard to say. It’s a classic sort of deer/deer(s) scenario except with lightsabers and the constantly miserable face of Adam Driver and that tiny scar he got from when Rey cut most of his face off. Or something. Anyway, I’m all in on the Rey/Luke training montage that I’m pretty sure will make up most of this movie. It’ll be set up against the VERY different training of Kylo Ren and his master Gollum. I mean Snoke. While this is going on our noble but not as powerful friends Po and Dipsy will set about saving the galaxy from whatever it is that guy from Harry Potter is doing this time. And that’s what’s going to happen in the Last Jedi… except for the parts I made up for humor… And cause I don’t actually have any idea what’s gonna happen in The Last Jedi.

Well thanks for coming along with me on this magical journey to the made up future audience! Check back in next week when I review Guardians of the Galaxy and then… do something else. That I will make up at the time.

Well Internet, we’ve reached that final day of the long and lengthy list of summer questions. How’s your summer prep going? Stocked up on them sweet popsicles? Get that AC nice and C’d? Cause summer’s just around the corner friend, and Summer’s got a knife! Summer’s had some rough times and it’s been bullied by Spring a lot lately and… well… it’s going through a rough phase. Anyway, here’s some questions about some summer movies, coming this summer. In summertime.

Summer Questions 2017: Part 3

Number 1: Is Dunkirk a ‘normal’ Chris Nolan movie?

Look, I’m a huge Chris Nolan fan but all of his movies have at least one weird super natural thing. Even ones that pretended to be a normal movie (The Prestige) ended up having weird super natural twists. So, is Dunkirk really just about the historical events of the World War 2 evacuation? Or is there something MORE going on here??? Either way, I’m a billion percent in on this. Great director, great cast, awesome story, typical Christopher Nolan way of not actually telling people anything in the trailers. I’m very excited about this!

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If it isn’t vaguely hinted that Dunkirk was just a dream we all had starring Leonardo DeCaprio I will be very disappointed.

 

Number 2: What exactly is Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets? And why is it called Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets?

It’s a space movie and… I don’t know. It’s based on a thing. Besson is the famed director of The Fifth Element a movie that came out twenty years ago and he’s since spent his time making largely unimpressive action movies. The cast looks fine (though Cara Delevingne is making a strong campaign for being the next Amanda Seyfried (inexplicably cast non-actress.) It’s a big space opera thing that’s gonna do its best Guardians of the Galaxy impression so we’ll just have to see what happens with it. That said, if there’s anyone who can out mopily stare Cara Delevingne it’s Dane DeHaan who is her co-star so just be prepared to see a lot of people REALLY looking at things very hard.

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If you like long mopey glances than you need look no further than these two, who have roughly the same facial reaction to space travel as I have to used cat litter.

 

Number 3: Can Atomic Blonde be the next John Wick?

They might as well change the name of this to Jane Wick and put all their cards on the table. That said, it looks like it’s gonna do a very good John Wick impersonation and that movie was great! The cast here looks strong, maybe it will have a better story than Wick and the action looks just as sort of ‘up close brutal’ style of Wick so I’m certainly intrigued.

Number 4: How many weird titles can we make that involve Apes? Like War for the Planet of the Apes?

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I love the whole “Planet of the Apes” thing, but if you called this movie “War of the Snow Monkeys” that would be WAY better.

 

So we had Planet of the Apes, Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Dawn of the Planet of the Apes, and now War for the Planet of the Apes?? What’s next? Songs about the Planet of the Apes?? Actually that’s very good. Biking Through the Planet of the Apes?? Man, that’s good too. Okay I take it back. I’ll watch more of these movies. I mean, they’ve all been good, and as long as we can keep coming up with Planet of the Apes related titles I guess why not!

Number 5: How awesome will the The Dark Tower movie be??

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I hope at some point during the film of this movie that child realized how lucky he was!

 

Awesomely awesome. Or at least… it had better be. It had better I haven’t waded through years of rumors and speculations and fake castings for this movie to be bad I’ll tell you that much!! I mean the trailer looked fantastic and I’m certainly team “Idris Elba reloading guns!” Can I shirt or something for that? Cause I’ll buy that shirt! I’ll buy two of those shirts! Can this movie come out yet? Please!!

Well there you go guys. Questions. Answered. Summer on in safety fellow friends!

Oh and check out my podcast at thepsvpod.podbean.com

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?

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You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.

 

So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.

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Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.

 

Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?

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That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.

 

Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.

Hey Internet, boy am I glad to be back, but not nearly as glad (I’m aware) as you are to have me. It’s okay my children, my blessed waifs of the internet. Come. Gather round my internet fire, and let us all warm ourselves in the glow of one of our most sacred Thoughts We Might Have Had traditions: bold and centered font. And also:

Summer Questions 2017: Part 1

Number 1: Can Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 be a good follow up to the first?

The good news is that because my summer questions are a little late this year we’ve already got a real solid answer to this: yes. Yes it can. The reviews have basically all been positive and while it’s generally agreed that it’s not quite as good as the original, the original was VERY good and this just being “very good” is still pretty good! Or very good. Or something.

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It’s weird to say this but… this movie lived up to its potential!!

 

Number 2: Can King Arthur: Legend of the Sword be… I don’t know… anything more than just another Guy Ritchie movie about people running around doing vague things with quick cuts?

Probably not. I mean look, I like Guy Ritchie movies on the whole but they’re never really about much more than youngish people smash cutting around a city. I’m not saying this will be a bad movie, I’m just saying that there will probably be a lot more flash than there is substance to this one.

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Wait a second… is this our most attractive King Arthur??

 

Number 3: Will Alien: Covenant actually be a good Alien movie?

I mean statistically: No. It’s got all the earmarks of a bad movie: forced sequel to a mediocre movie, director who may or may not understand why people like this franchise (he seems to think we LOVE pseudo-space philosophy and characters making weirdly inappropriate statements about the value of strong women and not… ya know, actual strong female characters and Aliens), and plans to make several more movies in the series meaning that this one will probably not actually resolve. I mean look: it could be good. I hope it’s good! I like the good Alien movies… but this will probably not be one.

Number 4: How do people keep making Pirates of the Caribbean movies?

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Pirates of the Caribbean: You WILL like Johnny Depp. You WILL!!!

 

Look, here’s the thing: Pirates of the Caribbean 3, was a genuinely bad movie that brought that trilogy to a weird and confusing end. The whole “trilogy” thing just never really worked at all. That said: 1 and 4 were actually pretty good, so when the old PotC franchise has stuck to single story films they’ve done okay for themselves and this movie actually looks serviceably interesting. Honestly, the only thing that really freaks me out about it is the fact that apparently Orlando Bloom is back (Keira Knightely is as well but supposedly only in a cameo so whatever.) I feel like Pirates of the Caribbean is a great vehicle for good pirate movies, and we just sort of happen to put them all in the same universe, I get nervous that we’re gonna reach back and include things from earlier in the franchise cause that generally means some writer somewhere got locked in a room until he could work out twenty minutes of Piraty things for Orlando Bloom to do and that’s no way to make a movie, my friend. No way.

Number 5: Can Wonder Woman possibly somehow against all odds be a good movie?

Look guys… it’s just so dang hard to say. On the one hand: all the material for this has looked great. The trailers, the design, the cast, all of it. On the other hand: this is DC comics. DC has spent the last couple years selling us on trailers but then delivering bad movies with lazy writing and so many cooks in the kitchen that the soup morphed into a living amalgamation of death and disease that laid the world to waste. I hope Wonder Woman is good. Deep deep down past my layers of cynicism, bitterness, and toffee cream cakes I think it will be good. But I can’t honestly that it will be. I’ve been burned too many times man… by too many soups.

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Power!! X’s!!! Woman!!

 

And that’s where we shall leave things for today my inter-children. Be blessed. Be filled. Come back Thursday for more answers, more questions, and more vague cooking references!

Well hello good buddies and internet friends, and welcome to another thrilling, chilling, and trilling entry into the ever growing pantheon of:

Best of the Worst

That’s right! It’s time for us to get back to our roots and compare the worst movie from two franchises and find out which one is really the worst. Today, in honor of the Fate of the Furious being released and maybe finally not running commercials for itself every two seconds of every minute of my life, we’ll be comparing it, to that long standing, long Tom Cruise running shot featuring series, Mission Impossible.

Mission Impossible 2: Best Hair, Worst Movie.

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So much good hair… so much worse movie.

 

I just want to take a second and be very clear about something: this is in no way an attack on Mr. Cruise’s hair in the major motion picture: Mission Impossible 2. Mr. Cruise’s hair is a shining long locked bastion, lighting the way to good hair dos everywhere. Thank you, hair.

That said: Mission Impossible 2 is a very bad movie. So bad it basically killed the franchise until the great franchise saver JJ Abrams deigned to sprinkle some of his rejuvinatory juices on it. The plot makes no real sense, the ending is just a huge comedic sequence where 4 different people are wearing masks, and there’s just a lot of weird unnecessary slo-motion shots involving flips and motor cycles and sunglasses exploding. (Very cool sunglasses… just for the record.) It’s a movie that really wanted to be the Matrix but had to deal with the problematic factor that it was in no way the Matrix. The storyline has something to do with a virus and Tom Cruises girlfriend who he basically instantly forgets about in favor of a much more grounded character in 3. MI2 is a classic example of someone coming into a franchise so desperate to put their stamp on it that they entirely forgot what the actual thing they were supposed to be doing was. At no point does it feel like an actual Mission Impossible movie, which is not something that (for the record) is super hard to achieve.

I give it 2 unnecessary mask reveals, out of 5.

And opposing MI2 is a movie so bad that the Fast and the Franchise movies have literally just decided to pretend never EVER happened. That’s right: it was too bad, for the Fast and the Furious.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Filming Discounts

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Like an unfortunate car decal: this movie’s badness sticks with you.

 

You want to know who the best actor in Tokyo drift is?? Lil’ Bow Wow. I’m not joking. He’s actually not even that bad in it, and in the world of Tokyo Drift being ‘Not Bad’ basically makes you Daniel Day Lewis. The main character (not Lil’ Bow Wow) is played by a white male Walmart Manikin named Sean Boswell who has come to Tokyo for reasons I cannot even begin to care about. He loves to race though. Boy does he love to race. That’s literally all you need to know about this cardboard cutout of a human with a “Boy Am I From the South” trucker hat on his head. Actually you should probably also know that he is VERY bad at racing but that for some reason people continually show an interest in his burgeoning racing career to the point where they teach what is apparently the ultimate solution to all of his personal and career problems: the ability to go around a corner in a motor vehicle.

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A movie that repeatedly asks you to believe that the pile of mashed potatoes in the passenger seat of this car is an actual human being.

 

The real kicker of TFatF:TD though is that the rest of the Fast franchise couldn’t even decide where it went in the “chronology” of Fast and the Furious. And yes, Fast and the Furious does have a chronology. See, technically Tokyo Drift was released as the 3rd movie but when the FF people decided to start forming a super team they knew they definitely didn’t want the main character from Tokyo Drift so they decided to use one of the secondary characters who (regretfully) died in that movie. This meant that they had to push Tokyo Drift back until later, specifically, until Fast and the Furious 7 a full four movies after it actually took place. Confused?? You should be. But that’s what you have to do when you make a movie that stars a rock with the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama painted on it.

I give it 1 Faceless Stars, out of 5.

So there you go guys: the prize for worst movie goes to Tokyo Drift, cause at least MI2 had that good good Tom Cruise hair.

I’ll probably do a mailbag on Thursday so send in your question to Thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and hey, why not check out my podcast that I do with my good buddy Nate over here thepsv.podbean.com!