Avengers: Age of Ultron Review

Well friends it happened. On a sun soaked saturday morning I, my wife, and some dear friends walked into a theater filled with people I had never met before and (therefore) instantly hated and was annoyed by, to watch Avengers: Age of Ultron. This week there is no fancy lead-in, no weird rhyming or bad timing or… okay some some rhyming. But no fancy lead-in… just a regular, kind of boring one.

Dang it.

Micah Reviews: Avengers: Age of Ultron 

Avengers is one of the top three or four comic book movies ever, so could a sequel possibly live up to such a lofty forefather??? Could it meet the hype? Defy the odds? Could it be standing in the the hall of fame? And the world’s gonna know it’s name?? Cause it burns with the brightest flame?????

Sorry. I’ll stop.

It’s pretty much the sweetness.

The Plot: 

(very very SLIGHT spoilers follow. Nothing will be said that wasn’t in the trailers but on the off chance that you have moved to the sahara and live in a pit with a salamander to avoid ANY spoilers… stop here.)

So the Avengers are hangin’ out one day just avenging some stuff. It’s gotta be rough to constantly be finding things to avenge. “Ha ha I will attack this base to Avenge umm… the squirrels, whose homes were destroyed when you built it… I guess.”

But anyway they Avenge some things and punch some stuff and then they make some discoveries of a discoveracle nature. After returning home though and having a brief post Avenging party, they come under attack from a mysterious robot who calls himself Ultron and menacingly recites lyrics to classic Disney movies.

No seriously. It’s menacing. For real.

Though granted, Pinocchio is fairly terrifying without Ultrons help.

So this robot says some stuff and punches some stuff with it’s tough robot friends and then flies off to create it’s own little robot babies. And as it’s doing so it meets some twins who in addition to looking nothing alike, happen to have super powers and be Russian… for reasons.

The Avengers must chase down these new threats to the world as they seek to Avenge umm… the furniture!! That was destroyed during Ultron’s first callous furniture attack!! Can the  Avengers overcome this new threat? Will Ultron be able to turn the team against each other? Can Hawkeye remain relevant in a movie featuring even more super powers?? Only the Avengers: Age of Ulton, will tell.

The Pros: 

This movie: is awesome. For rizzle.

I’ve read a couple reviews from snooty people sipping their snooty water and getting paid professionally to do this who complained about how this movie “was a lot like the Avengers”… of course it was ya Snooty snoot snooter, it’s a sequel. It’s SUPPOSED to be like the original, if you wanted to watch a movie that wasn’t anything like the Avengers you should have watched a movie without the word “Avengers” in the title. Avengers 1 was awesome, when Avengers 1 ended I thought to myself “boy, self, I hope they make another movie like this and call it something blatantly clear about it’s intentions to be like this movie!!” And that little Micah got his weird inner monologue prayers answered.

I have zero reason for putting this here. It’s just awesome.

Age of Ultron is all about the script and the cast. The cast is fantastic boasting great performances the Avengers at the top, all the way down to Andy Serkis’s five minute role as an arms dealer. The acting is fantastic, and you can tell the cast loves their parts, enjoys being with eachother, and genuinely believe in what they’re doing. It’s great.

The script itself is wonderful, continuing to grow it’s characters and just be a cool, fun, funny, and heartfelt mix of wonderful words pouring out of people’s face holes.

Not a lot more to say here, just cause this movie is so well done across the board. The action is great, the CG is awesome, James Spader ROCKS the role of Ultron to the point where he easily eclipses Loki from the first movie. I realize I will get murdered by thousands of bitter women but I genuinely enjoyed Ultron more then I enjoyed Loki in the first Avengers and I loved Loki in that movie. Ultron is just such a great mix between funny, and genuinely deep it’s VERY VERY cool. His sort of “mental awakening” sequence is just incredibly well written and was one of my favorite sequences in the entire movie.

P.S. if there exists somewhere an audio recording of just James Spaders’ dialogue for this movie… I would be interested in that recording.

The Negatrons: 

Umm… if I want to be SUPER nit picky I guess I could say that I wasn’t a huge fan of Quicksilver’s Russian accent, and the Hulk storyline didn’t really do it for me but these are SUCH minor quibbles they are scarce worth quibbling over upon this quibble.

In conclusion: 

Avengers: Age of Ultron is everything I wanted it to be. It’s a fantastic, funny, heartfelt romp with some incredibly well written characters. I didn’t even get to talk about Iron Man and Cap, the great Hawkeye storyline, the very intriguing introductions of the Vision and Scarlet Witch characters the movie is so packed with awesome I can’t even describe them all.

I don’t know if it’s better then the first movie or not, it seems that way now but I did just watch it so I’m sure I’m a little skewed. But frankly, it doesn’t matter. This is a great movie that makes some deep and serious points, while at the same time not forgetting that it’s supposed to just be fun. (Micah deliberately avoids making eye contact with an angrily glaring Man of Steel franchise.)

I give it 5 Thoroughly Avenged Squirrels, out of 5.

Avengers Mailbag

Internet!! Welcome to a noble and solemn post. The last post… before I watch Age of Ultron. And as we set ourselves up to do our last Summer Questions blog I’m… wait what?? What’s that, Made-Up-Intern-Named-Carl?? Some questions you say?? From the Avengers and other Marvel characters? Why I am SHOCKED I tell you. Shocked. I suppose we should take a look at those.

Dear Micah, A lot of people say I’m the worst Avenger. Could this be true?? – There’s No Shield Around My Heart – America

Well Shield, let’s look at this objectively: No actually it’s totally you. But look, that’s not a bad thing, every great team has to have a worst member. It’s like being the worst Beatle: you’re still a beatle. Your name just happens to be Ringo and no one will ever love you for you. Wait… that didn’t come out right. Look man, it’s nothing to be ashamed of: your an Avenger. That’s great. Plus: if the trailer is anything to go buy Quicksilver has a really bad Russian accent so he could takeover for you. Look at it this way: of the super powered Avengers your powers are the least interesting and sure there’s Hawkeye (who’s awesome) and the Black Widow (the secret star of at lest two Marvel movies) who are two of probably the best written characters (because writers are trying to compensate for their lack of powers.) If you want a bright side in here you have probably one of the best standalone movies in Captain America: The Winter Soldier AND you’re next stand alone will have Iron Man in it so that’s awesome… not that the movie will be about Iron Man… though it kind of will be… I’m not doing super well here am I?

Aw… it’s okay little guy. Shield up and all that.

Dear Micah, will an Avenger die in this movie?? And if so… who will it be? – Bringing the Hammer Down – Asgard 

Umm… I’m gonna say 55 percent odds that an Avenger drops in this movie. Slightly more likely then less likely but here’s who it’s gonna be: Quicksilver. We know Thor, Cap, Iron Man, Black Widow, and Hawkeye are safe. They’ll be in other movies. That really just leaves the newbies, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver. Scarlet Witch is way to interesting a character and is the one thing the Marvel universe doesn’t have a lot of: female. Which leaves Quicksilver as the odd man out. As we learned in X-men first class super speed is awesome, but it’s also overpowered taken to it’s logical conclusion. So you’ve got to find a way to counter it (in the case of X-men they sent him home to his mother and then pretended he didn’t exist.) And then there’s also the problem of Quicksilver now existing in two universes and Marvel doesn’t need Quicksilver at all. They have a lot of other interesting characters and having the Scarlet Witch have to deal with the death of her brother would make her a deeper character, while solving the overpowered/overused problem. I’m not saying it WILL happen, but if an Avenger goes down in this movie, it’s Quicksilver.

Dear Micah, we’re all happy for the big three of Cap, Thor, and Iron Man but will any of the Avengers in this movie ever get their own standalone?? – Always a Widow Never a Bride – Undisclosed Location. 

Probably not. But that’s okay honestly. The poster child for this is Black Widow who everyone has been clambering for a standalone movie for since she first appeared in the MCU in Iron Man 2, and I’m not saying I think it would be a bad movie but thus far Black Widow has become a genuinely interesting character by just being a great supporting cast member. Hawkeye has only been in the one movie so far but he stands to step up a bit more for this movie and Civil War, and Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver will also be in play now. Here’s the thing though: as Marvel’s universe expands and they introduce more characters they’ll have to include them in more movies. You can only sign actors to contracts for a certain amount of movies so you can either try and make a Scarlet Witch standalone movie, OR you can have her be in two Avengers movies and maybe play a big part in a Thor movie or the upcoming Black Panther movie. I like that Marvel now has more freedom to make interesting pairings of heroes rather then having one hero in a movie and all the other Avengers mysteriously unavailable. It’s interesting.

That said a Black Widow/Hawkeye movie would be FANTASTIC!!

Hang in there guys, maybe one day!!!… but probably not.

Dear Micah, My movie doesn’t come out for two more months, BUT I technically invented Ultron in the comics!! Should I feel ripped off? – A Friend to Antkind – Somewhere Not Being in A Movie 

No, Ant-friend, you should not. You should feel lucky that Ant-man is being made. This is a movie that’s been “in the works” for a long time about a relatively unknown hero with a somewhat underwhelming set of powers. It makes total sense for Marvel to get their more bankable stars out there before starting to take risks with lesser known sets. Guardians of the Galaxy was probably their biggest risk since Thor and it paid off big time so now they’ll drop back and start trying to build up a movie about a man who works primarily with things that ruin your picnics. If it were any film company except Marvel I’d say this thing had no chance but it is Marvel and honestly the first trailer looked great. That said you sit patiently and wait your turn Ant-man. Don’t take this moment from us!!

So there you go guys, thanks for reading, and that’s to these fictional characters for taking the time to send me some e-mails. You all are awesome! Age of Ultron here I come!!

Summer Questions 2015: Part 1

Well hello Internet, and welcome to yet another fantastical year of fantastical summer questions as I stare off into the future, wearing fancy bejeweled shades, and tell you what I think will happen this summer. It’s a tradition as old as this website, and this year we shall stick to it with dignity and grace.

Well dignity anyway.

Let’s just say we’ll stick to it and hope for the best.

Question 1: Can Avengers: Age of Ultron possibly live up to the expectations?

Meh, probably not. I think it will be a really good movie, maybe the best movie of the year, but the Avengers was one of the top three comic book movies ever. I’m not saying Age of Ultron can’t get there I’m just saying people are expecting this movie to be BETTER than one of the top three comic book movies ever and that’s expecting a lot. Avengers didn’t help itself by releasing one of the best trailers I have ever seen for a movie wherein Ultron hauntingly recites Pinnochio lyrics. I can’t stress enough how excited I am for Age of Ultron, and I feel like this paragraph will make it sound like I’m not. I am. A lot. But this movie falls into the Dark Knight Rises category of following up a monumentally awesome movie and having people expect it to get to that level.

It’s like if you went to a restaurant and the chef served you the best meal you had ever eaten. Wonder-steak cooked from magical space cows, with a side of corn grown on the majestic fields of the sun and tended by beautiful Sun-women. And on top of that you hadn’t eaten for a whole day AND happened to have a severe corn deficiency. That’s the Avengers. Now if you went back to that restaurant two years later after spending the entire two years thinking of how great that meal had been wouldn’t those space cows taste just a little bit worse then you remembered? Wouldn’t that sun-corn be a little less sun corny?? It’s the nature of man. We want the same experience we’ve had before and we want it to be better than the first time, but we’ve already had a first time.

All that (and that was a LOT of that) to say that I think Avengers: Age of Ultron will be fantastic. But to live up to the hype the movie will not only have to be Fantastic but also pay me a living wage for the next two years. And that seems unlikely.

Question 2: Could Hot Pursuit possibly be the worst movie of the year?

Ha ha. No. Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 is. That award has been given. That train has left the station filled with on fire manure and it crashed into your house while you were out feeding orphans. That movie has a 2 percent rotten tomato rating. 2 percent folks.  That said: Hot Pursuit will not be a good movie. It’s a forced “road trip” comedy featuring two actresses who aren’t that funny and a premise that is worn and tired and has been done before.

I’m not saying this movie will be bad, I’m just saying that looking at this poster makes me want to stand up and walk out of a theater.

Question 3: Will Spy finally be the Melissa McCarthy movie we’ve been waiting for?

I certainly hope so. I’m a huge fan of the idea of Melissa McCarthy finally being in a movie that does her justice. I somehow apparently was looking away from the screen for ALL of the funny parts in Bridesmaids (a movie I really wanted to like) and since then other than The Heat which pretty much painted by the numbers all the way things have been fairly “blah” for McCarthy. But hey, Spy could be funny.  It’s got a strong cast, an interesting (if been done before) premise. We’ll just have to see, I hope so but the way comedies are going lately… it seems unlikely.

I look forward to the inevitable revelation that Law and/or Statham are working for the enemy.

Question 4: What will Jurassic World end up looking like?

Who knows. I talked about this a lot in my trailer reviews the other day but this movie has thus far done little to reassure me that it will be great, while also not doing anything to make me think it will be terrible. In the end it’ll probably land somewhere in the middle. Chris Pratt is about as likeable an actor as you can get these days but the script and the overall lack of originality in the premise “Science has made something they can’t control and it’s evil and deadly and will steal your pudding!!” So it’ll probably end up either being slightly above average or slightly below average and everyone will move on with their lives and wait until someone remembers something else about our childhood that Hollywood can ruin.

Question 5: Is there any way Inside Out isn’t an adorably wonderful childhood experience?

Nope. If there are two things I know about this summer it’s that Avengers 2 will be great and that Inside Out will be adorable and sweet and all those things I hate. I mean, it’s Pixar. And Disney. I don’t know that if they sat down and physically tried to make a bad cartoon if they could. So unless Michael Bay starts directing these things, I’d more or less just plan on these things being awesome for a while.

You mine as well just give them your money and souls now folks. It’ll save time for later.

And there you go guys, part 1 of our annual summer questions blogs! Many happy returns my friends, see you next week.

10 Most Anticipated Movies of 2015

Well hey Internet, and welcome to Tuesday!! Unless of course this Tuesday is your Friday, or (alternatively) your Thursday. It’s been a confusing week. Days mean nothing, time is fluid, the door is a jar. All that stuff. However, nothing can hereby stop the new time of the year in which I know venture the retrospective/perspective posts!! That’s right ladies and gentleman this time of year I get to sit back, stop trying to think up what in the world I should write about, and instead try and remember  what in the world I’ve been doing for the past year.

And just to put off that horrible task for one more week here’s a list of the ten movies I’m most excited about in 2015!! Prepare for a party people, strap a hat on, grab a donkey tale and get ready to pin that sucker right on!!

(As usual these are in ranks from least to most excitements.)

10. Taken 3 – January 9th

I know, I know calm down. Look I can out pretentious anyone, I LOVE movies that make me think and change my life and have great scripts but ya know what I also like?? Liam Neeson punching things. And while Taken 3 will have none of the former it will have a LOT of the latter and sometimes you just take that latter and run with it. Set it up against the side of a tree and steal some apples!!!

There will never be an end to Liam Neeson. Never. He will punch then end in the face and it will become a beginning.

I mean Taken 2 was good (though but by no means great or even ‘really good’) and Non-Stop was actually ‘really good.’ Taken 3 seems to be getting away from the whole “kidnapped by vaguely middle eastern people overseas” thing and gone for more of an intrigue/falsely accused thing which will hopefully add a nice new twist to things. Though let us remember the reason I will be seeing this movie: the joy of watching Mr. Liam Neeson punch other not Liam Neeson people. Bring it on Mr. Neeson, bring it on.

9. Inside Out – June 19th

My official kids movie of the year, Inside Out looks adorable and funny and all the things a Pixar movie should be. It will make tons of money and sell tons of toys and every child will want to quote their favorite parts of the movie to you. Thanks Pixar, you wonderful, horrible people you.

8. The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2 – November 20th

In my 2014 list The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 clocked in at a whopping number 4 but honestly as the year went on I got less and less excited about it. They released trailers and footage and clips and (apparently) replica barbie’s or something but honestly I just… didn’t care. I actually still haven’t gone to see it out of raw apathy. Cause even if I do go and do watch it and do like the story isn’t going to end. Nothing is going to resolve. Granted, Part 2 will solve that problem but the whole thing has just put a bad flavor in my mouth.

I’m sure a bunch of angry Katniss fans are currently scrubbing angry e-mails to me (thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com ladies) but that’s just how I feel. I’m not saying I’m not interested in the movie, just that I’m not as excited about it as I am about other things. For instance:

7. Jurassic World – June 12th

Honest confession: I’m not a huge Jurassic Park fan. I’ve watched the first one a couple times, and I think I saw one other one but I don’t remember caring much for it and never bothered to watch any of the other ones. As Jurassic Park switches to Jurassic World though it’s bringing along Chris Pratt (who’s awesome) and Bryce Dallas Howard (who’s… well Bryce Dallas Howard, for whatever that’s worth.) The plot looks a little hit or miss but there will be dinosaurs and (apparently) some sort of alpha-hyper-super dinosaur who will beat the snot out of the other dinosaurs and steal their lunch money.

All the sudden “Live every week, like it’s shark week” is super depressing.

6.  Victor Frankenstein – October 2nd

This is one of two movies that I’m putting on here based almost entirely on the strength of the people in it. Check out this casting:

Igor – Danielle Radcliff. Dr. Frankenstein – James McAvoy. Roderick Turpin – Andrew Scott.

I have no idea who Roderick Turpin is but it’s Andrew Scott (Sherlock’s Professor Moriarty, and an INCREDIBLY good actor) so I’m in there.  Igor is apparently the major character here and the script was written by Max Landis (“Chronicle” and “Death and Return of Superman”) so all the parts here look like they could make a really good movie. Obviously there’s not a lot of info on the movie yet, but still I think there’s a lot of promise here so we’ll see what happens.

5. Ant-Man – July 17th

It’s a huge tribute to Marvel that this movie even ranks this high. I have such little interest in Ant-man as a super-hero. I mean he grows and shrinks and can (apparently) control ants or something. That’s not a great basis for a movie… right? I mean I like Paul Rudd.. but that’s about it.

On the other hand, it’s Marvel movie. They’ve been awesome, the worst Marvel movie is better then roughly 80 percent of other action/comedy/excitement movies. So I guess I’m in… I mean it’d be nice to see a trailer for it at some point. But let’s remember the last time Marvel green lit a less then front line comic book movie it was Guardians of the Galaxy which was freeking awesome. So who am I (lowly blogger that I am) not to be excited such things.

4. Spectre – November 6th 

The next James Bond movie that follows arguably the best James Bond movie ever and features Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, and (once again) Andrew Scott. Now, to this point very little is known about the movie but it’s a fairly safe bet that it (at some point) will feature James Bond’s ultimate nemesis a guy by the name of Ernst Blofeld (yeah, I didn’t come up with it.) Now, the smart money is on that being the very talented Christoph Waltz BUT you want to hear my crazy Sherlock fueled conspiracy theory?? Too bad. You’re hearing it.

So, for most of the movie Waltz will be the main villain and be all menacing and everyone will be like “Oh he’s Blofeld” kind of like when Star Trek: Into Darkness kept pretending that Benedict Cumberbatch wasn’t Khan when EVERYONE knew he was 100 percent definitely Khan. But this time 2/3 of the way through the movie Bond kills Waltz’s character only to have it revealed that the REAL Blofeld was actually Andrew Scott all along (cause Andrew Scott was MADE to be a villain in awesome movies) and Scott succeeds in doing something horrible before running off and setting up a huge face-off in the next Bond movie!!! BOOM.

Drop.

Mic.

“Yes, I should be the villain of every movie. Ever.”

I’m roughly 98% sure that won’t happen… but it would be awesome!

3. The Jungle Book – October 9th

We’ve actually got two live action Jungle Book remakes coming out in the next two years and this is the second movie I’m in on this year largely because of the cast (in this case the voice-over cast.) Observe:

Idris Elba – Shere Khan. Bill Murray – Baloo. Ben Kingsley – Bagheera. Christopher Walken – King Louis.

I mean for real. That’s insane. The only voices missing from this are Liam Neeson and Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s a great cast. I would pay to hear those people read a newspaper from the 50’s let alone the Jungle Book. I’m not guaranteeing it will be a great movie, but I do guarantee that it will sound great.

And now we get to the big 2, the good stuff, a whole new level of anticipation!!

2. Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens – December 18th

Yup. Number 2. I know, I know calm down. Here’s the deal: I believe in J.J. Abrams, I think the old cast is great, I think the new cast looks great, and I think the trailer was good (though sparse on information.) But there’s really no concrete proof that this will be good. I mean we haven’t seen a good star wars movie in literally DECADES. We’ll just have to see what happens, I think it will be good. I’m even pretty sure it will be good… but there’s no real evidence of that right at this moment. We’ll just have to see. I am VERY excited about this movie but we’ll just have to see what happens.

This isn’t the official movie poster… it’s just way more awesome.

1. Avengers: Age of Ultron – May 1st 

Unlike Star Wars  we both know a great Avengers video can be made (Cause one has been made recently by these same people) AND we’ve seen an AMAZING and very informative trailer. I think Age of Ultron will be fantastic, delve into new areas of the old story, and push the envelope of what we expect a super-hero movie to be. You could say that this is the culmination of all the character development that’s been going on in the last ten marvel movies or so. Captain America 2, the first Avengers, Iron Man 3, Thor 2, all that stuff has been feeding into the ideas and storylines of this movie. It’s practically unprecedented and if there’s anyone who can make this work it’s Joss Whedon. It’s gonna be fantastic.

With all due respect to the Taken 3 poster… This is the best picture ever.

And that’s it folks!! The movies I’m most excited about in 2015!! Now, I won’t be posting on Thursday (new years day) but I will be posting on Friday where I will make 5 bold movie predictions for next year AND see how I did with last years predictions! See you then!

Post posting EDIT: Okay, guys I have never ever done this before but an EGREGIOUS oversight on my part. I left off In the Heart of the Sea. A Ron Howard movie featuring Chris Hemsworth and a giant death whale called Moby Dick!!! I’m putting this in at Number 9 and ousting Inside Out. I’m still excited about it but it does not feature a giant death whale. Sorry Pixar.

Judging Covers 10-23-14

Internet!! I’m not even writing more then one sentence before I show you this, this will change your life, this will make everything you have ever thought was the sweet sweetness seem like a two bit trick performed by a narcoleptic weasel; this is probably the best thing that has happened to the internet since we finally went back to ignoring Miley Cyrus; and this was absolutely more then one sentence!! That said watch this.

Yup. Avengers: Age of Ultron. I have no words. Actually I have LOTS of words. Too many words. So many words that the only real thing I can say is that this trailer makes me so phenomenally excited for this movie that any brief hesitation I had about it struggling to live up to the last Avengers whisked away in the breeze. I mean seriously: Ultron looks amazing. Hulk vs. Roid-Rage-Ironman, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver 2.0 “No he totally wasn’t just in a movie,” Captain America’s shield getting broken, more chances for Thor to take off his shirt for no reason, Hawkeye in a miniskirt, and Ultron looks AMAZING. Hang on… I’m gonna go breath into a paper bag.

Okay… let’s just… let’s just talk about some other trailers.

Tomorrowland

So… this is Harry Potter right? Harry Potter: magic button edition? Did I miss JK Rowlings 8th Harry Potter Book? I mean, I’m not saying this will be a bad movie (though everyone seems SUPER excited about it for reasons I’m sketchy on) but…. how is this not Harry Potter with technology instead of Magic? Also we all know that that’s the girl from Under the Dome who couldn’t act, right? Cause it is.

The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death

Warning: Scary movie trailer. Have a change of pants nearby.

Children escaping into the country during World War 2… moved to a creepy house where they have a run in with the supernatural… So… this is basically SUPER EVIL Narnia… right? Replace the child like whimsy and wonder with horror horrifying horrible death and you’ve basically got Woman in Black!!… yay??? Seriously though, Woman in Black was a slightly above average horror movie but as soon as you put a “2” after any horror movie I’m checking out. Sorry. Not intersted.

The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1

So a full trailer for this finally dropped and my one big takeaway is that Gail is for some reason learning how to fire a crossbow? You realize there are guns right Gail? I can understand Katniss using a bow because she already knows how from the Hunger Games (guns not allowed) and because she is apparently just a PTSD riddled corpse of her former self (and her former self wasn’t exactly the life of the party.) But if your learning how to use a weapon in preparation for a battle against an army of guys with guns why do you choose a crossbow??? And no I don’t care that the bolts are explosive or whatever, unless the bolts are their own minnie nukes that turn your enemies into delicious deep dish pizza: you’re choosing a gun!! Come on Gail! Your name is already Gail! Don’t give me more reasons to make fun of you.

In the Heart of the Sea

Wow… Have I not heard more about this movie?? I mean it doesn’t have Ultron in it but it DOES have Thor in it AND Moby Dick… this looks freakin’ awesome. You don’t see a lot of great “dudes on a ship” movie anymore. I mean what was the last really good sailing movie?? Master and Commander? And even that was SUPER long and spent an inordinate amount of time “collecting samples” for “no reason.” This seems to be basically just dudes on a boat and a huge death whale. Man why didn’t they just call it that?? “Dudes on a Boat and a Huge Death Whale” would a great title!! That said: I’m watchin’ this.

Mortdecai

On the one hand: It’s Johnny Depp. What you gonna do? This looks hilarious. I mean you feel a little like this is Frank Sinatra showing up to sing at a High School talent show but hey, just because someone is over-talented for a movie doesn’t mean it will be a bad movie. I VERY rarely go in for straight comedies but I could definitely see myself checking this out in a theater near me.

Kingsman: Secret Service

And speaking of people who are probably over qualified for things how about Collin Firth taking a run at comic book movies with Kingsman: Secret Service?? Personally I’ve been excited about this since they announced this bad boy and I haven’t really seen anything to change my mind. Firth looks great, the story looks cool and interesting, and Sam Jackson with a lisp might be the best idea anyone has ever had. I doubt it’s a movie that will change the way I view cinema or be up there on an emotional level with “Dude on a Boat and a Huge Death Whale” but for a nice night at the theater this should more then do the trick!!

And there you go guys!! Thanks for reading, see you next week and I’m going to watch the Avengers trailer again… three of four times… at least…

Comic-con 2013

Hey everyone, so for those of you who live in a bucket of some kind, or who have (dare we type it) a social life with actual friends that you actually talk to in person you may not know that Comic-con was last week!! For many years Comic-con was a place where nerdy people went to spend tons of money on memorabilia and stand closer to hot women then they will ever be able to in any non comic-con related event. Nowadays things have changed no comic-con is a where a lot of nerdy people go to spend tons of money on memorabilia, stand next to hot women, AND go to panels where the people who make comic book movies or vaguely comic book related things talk about their plans for the future in ways that will probably eventually turn out not to be true at all. Here are some things we learned at Comic-con and some thoughts I might have had about them.

 Avengers 2

Avengers 2 was officially titled “Age of Ultron” last week which was very significant for reasons that I am sure I don’t understand.

Well… we know the title now. So… what are we supposed to do for the next two years again?

Basically, Ultron is an evil robot person and (in the comics anyway) there’s this whole big storyline where he takes over the earth and blows up everything, and replaces all milk cartons with soy milk without clearly labeling them. Seriously though it’s all time travely and Wolverine factors heavily into it (awkward because Marvel doesn’t actually own the film rights to Wolverine right now) so the odds of Avengers 2: Age of Ultron looking anything at all like the comic books “Age of Ultron” are roughly the same as Joss Whedon calling and offering me the role of Ultron in the movie. That said: at least we now know the title of the movie which should give fans more than enough to wildly speculate about, until it actually comes out several years from now.

Thor 2

They showed a new trailer for Thor 2!! But we can’t see it. So… I guess nothing really to report here then… well… this is awkward.

” I have come to thee with a new trailer!! But most of you canst not watcheth it… for reasons… that I totally hath.”

Doctor Who

They showed a new trailer for Doctor Who!! But we can’t see it… Man. They did say that they haven’t chosen the next Doctor yet which isn’t so much a news story as it is a confirmation that there isn’t a story. This would be like a senator from Maine saying that the state hadn’t decided to be called “Mooselandia.” Sure it’s true, but it’s not exactly relevant.

X:Men Days of Future Past

I’m super worried about this movie being terrible. You know when the last time an X:men movie started going on and on about how big its cast was and how “grand a scale” the movie was going to be on? It was X3. Which is a bad bad movie. The worst of the X:men movies and I’m including “Wolverine Origins” AKA “Wolverine and his less cool friends that will get too much screen time” in that list. The comics this is based on is good in a trippy sort of way and I sincerely hope this movie turns out okay as I think the chance is there, but I’m very worried that it’s just gonna become another movie that distracts itself with all of its cool mutant powers and forgets to be a good movie.

The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Hey they released a new trailer and guess what?? We can totally watch it! In fact, I high recommend watching it. Cause after watching the old trailer I was very dubious as to whether or not this movie was going to be any good. Cause ya know the one thing the first trailer (which was roughly an hour long) didn’t have?? The Hunger Games. For all I saw in the first trailer the movie should have just been called “The Hunger:” One of my main problems with the first movie was that there seemed to be a little too much Hunger and not enough game. This trailer though seems to give us hope that something will happen in this movie other than Jennifer Lawrence making faces at people and misleading weird little blond baker-boys.  This trailer seems to have remember the actual “games” portion which is (after all) most of the reason we come. I mean I like political activism and thinly veiled shots at the American public as much as anyone but I feel something needs to happen that’s at least a little exciting at some point.

Batman and Superman

Okay and here is the moneymaker of this article. DC Comics “officially” announced that the next Superman movie will feature Batman…. Ugh. When I first heard this I thought: “Well it seems like a bad idea now, but I’m sure as I think about it I’ll start to like it more!!!” I didn’t. In fact the more I think about it, the less I like it. You know what Man of Steel was? It was the best Superman movie ever!! And it wasn’t that good. If the best Superman movie ever “wasn’t that good” what are the odds that a movie that (from all indications) no one knew we were going to make until very recently will be better than it? Taking a good comic book character and combining him with an “okay under certain circumstances” comic book character does not make a good comic book movie. That’s like saying combing a delicious ice cream Sunday mixed with a plate of overdone gorgonzola beans makes them both more delicious. In the end you’ll just get a sloppy looking mess that no one will be very interested in.

Cool picture. Bad idea.

Besides who do you get to play Batman? Christian Bale probably won’t do it. Joseph Gordon Levitt? I mean I like Joseph Gordon Levitt but batman??? Not buying it. So that means you have to get a new batman, then do you have to do a Batman origin story? Cause we all loved the mostly unnecessary 40 minutes you spent on Supermans origin story in the last movie! Do you just jump in with Batman already being Batman and hope that everyone conveniently forgets the last (MUCH better) Batman movies? Plus Man of Steel already had no sense of humor, does adding Batman really help that problem at all? They can sit around and be somber at each other for a while.

Here’s what’s going to happen in this movie: Grunt grunt grunt “I don’t need you batman” punch punch punch, Kryptonite. Batman. “You saved me batman!!” Punch punch, growl. Roll credits.

I’m not saying this will be a bad movie. I’ve been surprised before, DC has made some really good not Batman movies in the past like umm… Like Green—nope. Like Cat— nope. Umm… I’ll get back to you.

Well there you have it friends! Thanks for reading, now wash all that nerd smell off of you, and go back about your lives. Don’t worry, we won’t tell anyone.

P.S. Before you all start writing angry posts about my negligence yes I am aware that Guardians of the Galaxy had a panel. But all they did was show a clip that I can’t watch and then Karen Gillam ripped her hair off or something. I have no idea what to say about that.