Posts Tagged ‘Liam Neeson’

Well hey gang, and welcome back to another thrilling episode of: Surviving Jefbruary. Wherein Micah tries desperately to make it through the two most boring months in cinema. In this weeks edition I turn to the audience for help with another thrilling and chilling, premium billinged episode of:

Reader Mailbag 2/23/2016

Per usual you can ask a question for the mailbag be emailing or just by posting something in the comments that I will maybe remember to get… maybe.

Question 1: Hey Micah, any thoughts on the new “Jungle Book” coming out? And while we’re on the subject of Disney renewing their copyrights through reboots, how feasible is the idea of a post on top/bottom Disney sequels (and, in some cases, three-quels)? – Reni

Umm… Honestly?? I don’t care that much. I mean I love the cast list, but it’s not like I’m super excited about the whole thing. I’m fine with Disney doing what they’re doing re-boot/re-make wise but I’m not exactly lining up to watch them. I still haven’t seen the new Cinderella movie just due to sheer, unadulterated apathy. I’ve seen Cinderella, I’ve heard nothing but positive reviews about the new movie but I have no interest in doing literally any work at all to go watch it. I mean… I’ve seen that. Literally exactly that. Just because you slap some mayo on a ham sandwich doesn’t mean I’m gonna be anxiously lining up for the new Ham Sandwich 4000!!! Tis but a sandwich. Of ham.


“What do you mean there’s something behind me?”


And now I’m hungry.

Also, the only thing stopping me from doing a post on Disney sequels is that it would involve me watching such classics as Mulan 2, The Little Mermaid 2, and (sigh) Kronks New Groove. And I don’t hate myself that much… yet.

Question 2: Are you excited for Fuller House? – Maggie

Nope. No I am not. It’s a family re-boot show… thing, of a show I didn’t watch. If you were a fan of Full House, I’m sure Fuller House will be at least worth watching, but nothing about it makes me want to run out and do any research about such things. It’s a family show about some people in a house who have various hijinks and hijunks and learn that (in the end) family is the most important thing. That’s not even putting mayo on the ham sandwich… it’s just the same sandwich… many years later. Once again, I’m sure if you like Full House, this will be (at worst) a fun walk down memory lane. But I don’t feel like it’s intended for the uninitiated Full House heathens such as myself.

Question 3: What do you think of the Flash/Supergirl crossover? – Dean

Honestly, I’m super excited about that. Well… okay I’m excited. Let’s not get carried away there. Supergirl has honestly rounded nicely into form over the past couple weeks. It took it a little bit, but the characters on the show have shown a lot of depth lately and Melissa Benoist’s strong lead is carrying the rest of the cast through. Honestly I feel like it’s two big flaws right now are that the fist fighting still looks a bit ‘Juniors First Fight’ and the dialogue occasionally collapses a bit. The storylines are strong though, and the ensemble cast holds up really well (though Callista Flockheart’s character annoys me IMMENSELY.)


In most of her scenes Callista’s elbows are stuck like that. Just sort of flailing around like the blondest T-Rex.


The Flash has been strong for a while now and the second season has continued that trend, so, sure put the characters together and see what happens. Both shows rely heavily on their main characters “Adorkable” factor so why not mash them both together and see what happens. After all you can’t be too adorable right?

Question 4: Do you think Daredevil Season 2 will be any good? – Nic

I’m excited for it. I liked season 1 of Daredevil though it did drag ALOT in the middle. I’m all about the Punisher and Elektra being thrown into the mix, and adding some extra faces to distract from Foggy Nelsons weird, mopey, rat faced face. So we’ll see what happens, I’m all about the idea of Daredevil Season 2, we’ll just have to see what goes down in the execution.


He is also saddened by the face of Foggy Nelson.


Question 5: Did you know they’re making a Taken prequel series? – James

Yes I did. And it’s an abomination. It’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Ya know what Bryan Mills is before Taken?? He’s an agent. Before Taken he’s just another Agent working for the government like all the other agents in all the other TV shows about Agents who agent things. Ya know what else he’s doing??? Not being NOT LIAM NEESON. Making Taken without Liam Neeson is like making Hamlet without Ham. Like making Deadpool without pools and swearing. It’s like making the Lion King without literally any of the things that went into making the Lion King. Only a TV network could watch Taken and think: “Boy that Agent Mills would make a great TV series.” When everyone was thinking “Man Liam Neeson is awesome.” Most people don’t even know who Bryan Mills is, they just know that Liam Neeson killed a lot of people to save that one annoying chick from Lost. How did this get approved?? What was the pitch?? “So you know that Liam Neeson series about that guy whose boring and then goes nuts and kills a ton of people?? Well what if we did a series about him back when he was boring AND we didn’t get Liam Neeson?!?!?”

Worst. Idea. Ever.

Question 6 (this from an enraged text) Emily Blunt as Marry Poppins?!?!?!

Yup… that’s a thing. Also: Mary Poppins 2?? Who asked for Mary Poppins 2? Who watched Mary Poppins and thought ‘Boy, that left a lot of my questions unanswered!!’ And Emily Blunt??? She’s great, she’s that girl from Edge of Tomorrow, and is gonna be definitely the best part of Snow White 2: We Kicked out Snow White. Why is she in Mary Poppins 2??? Who popped her into Poppins????


Wait, I’m in what??


So there you go guys! Thanks for reading and as ever you can email questions or post in the comments to get your questions answered on the next thrilling episode of: the Reader mailbag.

Well hello Internet and welcome to Saint Patrick’s day. A day famous for Saints, Patricks, drinking and… yeah pretty much just the drinking thing. But anyway, assuming you’re not drinking, or have finished drinking, or would like to be drinking but aren’t or whatever state of drinking or not drinking you happen to be in right now I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself “Man, I wish someone would tell me what movie I should watch today!!” Well random impressionable person, here’s a list of some movies just for you.

Top St. Patrick’s Day Movies 

For the ladies: Leap Year 

A movie starring Amy Adams and some slab of Irish, human person. Leap Year tells the story of a woman who wandered off to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend on leap day because according to some old tradition invented by Grandma Gillikans a man can’t refuse a proposal proposed on Leap Year day… wow that does not sound like a good premise does it? And in the premises defense it went on to not be all that awesome a movie. That said it’s a good movie and it will make your heartstrings go zing or zong or ttfn or whatever the kids heartstrings are doing these days.

For the men: Darby O’Gill and the Little People 

Ha ha… no. I’m kidding. I just wanted to type that out loud. Or whatever the blogging equivalent of that is. Also: Sean Connery.

If I were to sit down and try and try to make up the weirdest movie for Sean Connery to have been in, I could not do nearly as well as this movie. That he was actually in.

If I were to sit down and try and try to make up the weirdest movie for Sean Connery to have been in, I could not do nearly as well as this movie. That he was actually in.

For the men: Gangs of New York

There you go guys. An excuse to watch a Scorsese film featuring an incredible performance by Daniel Day-Lewis (as if there were any other kind), one of the earliest sighting of Leonardo Decaprio after he molted his horrifyingly terrible Titanic skin, and (in his first of many appearances on this list) Liam Neeson. Because Ireland without Liam Neeson is like a delicious pepperoni pizza without the pepperonis. Like a majestic grizzly bear without the grizzle. Like a beautiful death swan without its samurai sword…

What was I talking about?? Oh yeah, so Gangs of New York is a great, guys movies for St. Patrick’s day. It’s got Irish people, and horrendous horrible terrible horrible terrible violence that if you don’t drink already, will probably push you in that direction. So you’re welcome guys, you’re welcome.

Also: this mustache!!

Also: this mustache!!

For the History Buffs: Patrick 

So “Patrick “is a VERY somber take on the life of the aforementioned Saint, probably don’t watch this before you wander off with your friends to your local Happy Fun Day Party Times House… or wherever the kids are hanging out these days. That said it’s very interesting and (of course) narrated by Liam Neeson.

For… pretty much everyone: Michael Collins

Michael Collins is probably/definitely/with-no-doubt-whatsoever my favorite movie on this list. It’s historical (war for Irish independence), it has action (war for Irish Independence), a love triangle (war for… what’s-her-name) and (of course) Liam Freekin’ Neeson (war for awesome.) How are you not already watching this movie?? It even (as though you needed another reason to watch it) has Alan Rickman in it!! Seriously, why aren’t you watching this right now?? Why am I not watching that right now???

Liam Neeson: The most Saint Patricky thing since the actual Saint.

Liam Neeson: The most Saint Patricky thing since the actual Saint.

P.S. Just as a disclaimer: this movie has Julia Roberts in it. The fact that it has Julia Roberts in it (with the additional handicap of her having a HORRIBLE Irish accent) and I think it’s a good movie still should give you an idea of how good a movie this is.

Special Bonus Movie advice: Just go watch a Liam Neeson movie. Literally any Liam Neeson movie. Watch Love Actually which is arguably the most British movie ever made, it doesn’t matter. Liam Neeson is practically St. Patrick at this point. If we learned anything from last weeks blog about St. Patrick’s history it was that St. Patrick would probably not approve of his own holiday. You know who does approve?? Liam. So go watch a Liam Neeson movie. It’s what Liam would want. It’s what Ireland would want. It’s what I want.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to Tuesday!! Unless of course this Tuesday is your Friday, or (alternatively) your Thursday. It’s been a confusing week. Days mean nothing, time is fluid, the door is a jar. All that stuff. However, nothing can hereby stop the new time of the year in which I know venture the retrospective/perspective posts!! That’s right ladies and gentleman this time of year I get to sit back, stop trying to think up what in the world I should write about, and instead try and remember  what in the world I’ve been doing for the past year.

And just to put off that horrible task for one more week here’s a list of the ten movies I’m most excited about in 2015!! Prepare for a party people, strap a hat on, grab a donkey tale and get ready to pin that sucker right on!!

(As usual these are in ranks from least to most excitements.)

10. Taken 3 – January 9th

I know, I know calm down. Look I can out pretentious anyone, I LOVE movies that make me think and change my life and have great scripts but ya know what I also like?? Liam Neeson punching things. And while Taken 3 will have none of the former it will have a LOT of the latter and sometimes you just take that latter and run with it. Set it up against the side of a tree and steal some apples!!!

There will never be an end to Liam Neeson. Never. He will punch then end in the face and it will become a beginning.

There will never be an end to Liam Neeson. Never. He will punch then end in the face and it will become a beginning.

I mean Taken 2 was good (though but by no means great or even ‘really good’) and Non-Stop was actually ‘really good.’ Taken 3 seems to be getting away from the whole “kidnapped by vaguely middle eastern people overseas” thing and gone for more of an intrigue/falsely accused thing which will hopefully add a nice new twist to things. Though let us remember the reason I will be seeing this movie: the joy of watching Mr. Liam Neeson punch other not Liam Neeson people. Bring it on Mr. Neeson, bring it on.

9. Inside Out – June 19th

My official kids movie of the year, Inside Out looks adorable and funny and all the things a Pixar movie should be. It will make tons of money and sell tons of toys and every child will want to quote their favorite parts of the movie to you. Thanks Pixar, you wonderful, horrible people you.

8. The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2 – November 20th

In my 2014 list The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 clocked in at a whopping number 4 but honestly as the year went on I got less and less excited about it. They released trailers and footage and clips and (apparently) replica barbie’s or something but honestly I just… didn’t care. I actually still haven’t gone to see it out of raw apathy. Cause even if I do go and do watch it and do like the story isn’t going to end. Nothing is going to resolve. Granted, Part 2 will solve that problem but the whole thing has just put a bad flavor in my mouth.

I’m sure a bunch of angry Katniss fans are currently scrubbing angry e-mails to me ( ladies) but that’s just how I feel. I’m not saying I’m not interested in the movie, just that I’m not as excited about it as I am about other things. For instance:

7. Jurassic World – June 12th

Honest confession: I’m not a huge Jurassic Park fan. I’ve watched the first one a couple times, and I think I saw one other one but I don’t remember caring much for it and never bothered to watch any of the other ones. As Jurassic Park switches to Jurassic World though it’s bringing along Chris Pratt (who’s awesome) and Bryce Dallas Howard (who’s… well Bryce Dallas Howard, for whatever that’s worth.) The plot looks a little hit or miss but there will be dinosaurs and (apparently) some sort of alpha-hyper-super dinosaur who will beat the snot out of the other dinosaurs and steal their lunch money.

All the sudden "Live every week, like it's shark week" is super depressing.

All the sudden “Live every week, like it’s shark week” is super depressing.

6.  Victor Frankenstein – October 2nd

This is one of two movies that I’m putting on here based almost entirely on the strength of the people in it. Check out this casting:

Igor – Danielle Radcliff. Dr. Frankenstein – James McAvoy. Roderick Turpin – Andrew Scott.

I have no idea who Roderick Turpin is but it’s Andrew Scott (Sherlock’s Professor Moriarty, and an INCREDIBLY good actor) so I’m in there.  Igor is apparently the major character here and the script was written by Max Landis (“Chronicle” and “Death and Return of Superman”) so all the parts here look like they could make a really good movie. Obviously there’s not a lot of info on the movie yet, but still I think there’s a lot of promise here so we’ll see what happens.

5. Ant-Man – July 17th

It’s a huge tribute to Marvel that this movie even ranks this high. I have such little interest in Ant-man as a super-hero. I mean he grows and shrinks and can (apparently) control ants or something. That’s not a great basis for a movie… right? I mean I like Paul Rudd.. but that’s about it.

On the other hand, it’s Marvel movie. They’ve been awesome, the worst Marvel movie is better then roughly 80 percent of other action/comedy/excitement movies. So I guess I’m in… I mean it’d be nice to see a trailer for it at some point. But let’s remember the last time Marvel green lit a less then front line comic book movie it was Guardians of the Galaxy which was freeking awesome. So who am I (lowly blogger that I am) not to be excited such things.

4. Spectre – November 6th 

The next James Bond movie that follows arguably the best James Bond movie ever and features Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, and (once again) Andrew Scott. Now, to this point very little is known about the movie but it’s a fairly safe bet that it (at some point) will feature James Bond’s ultimate nemesis a guy by the name of Ernst Blofeld (yeah, I didn’t come up with it.) Now, the smart money is on that being the very talented Christoph Waltz BUT you want to hear my crazy Sherlock fueled conspiracy theory?? Too bad. You’re hearing it.

So, for most of the movie Waltz will be the main villain and be all menacing and everyone will be like “Oh he’s Blofeld” kind of like when Star Trek: Into Darkness kept pretending that Benedict Cumberbatch wasn’t Khan when EVERYONE knew he was 100 percent definitely Khan. But this time 2/3 of the way through the movie Bond kills Waltz’s character only to have it revealed that the REAL Blofeld was actually Andrew Scott all along (cause Andrew Scott was MADE to be a villain in awesome movies) and Scott succeeds in doing something horrible before running off and setting up a huge face-off in the next Bond movie!!! BOOM.




“Yes, I should be the villain of every movie. Ever.”

I’m roughly 98% sure that won’t happen… but it would be awesome!

3. The Jungle Book – October 9th

We’ve actually got two live action Jungle Book remakes coming out in the next two years and this is the second movie I’m in on this year largely because of the cast (in this case the voice-over cast.) Observe:

Idris Elba – Shere Khan. Bill Murray – Baloo. Ben Kingsley – Bagheera. Christopher Walken – King Louis.

I mean for real. That’s insane. The only voices missing from this are Liam Neeson and Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s a great cast. I would pay to hear those people read a newspaper from the 50’s let alone the Jungle Book. I’m not guaranteeing it will be a great movie, but I do guarantee that it will sound great.

And now we get to the big 2, the good stuff, a whole new level of anticipation!!

2. Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens – December 18th

Yup. Number 2. I know, I know calm down. Here’s the deal: I believe in J.J. Abrams, I think the old cast is great, I think the new cast looks great, and I think the trailer was good (though sparse on information.) But there’s really no concrete proof that this will be good. I mean we haven’t seen a good star wars movie in literally DECADES. We’ll just have to see what happens, I think it will be good. I’m even pretty sure it will be good… but there’s no real evidence of that right at this moment. We’ll just have to see. I am VERY excited about this movie but we’ll just have to see what happens.

This isn't the official  movie poster... it's just way more awesome.

This isn’t the official movie poster… it’s just way more awesome.

1. Avengers: Age of Ultron – May 1st 

Unlike Star Wars  we both know a great Avengers video can be made (Cause one has been made recently by these same people) AND we’ve seen an AMAZING and very informative trailer. I think Age of Ultron will be fantastic, delve into new areas of the old story, and push the envelope of what we expect a super-hero movie to be. You could say that this is the culmination of all the character development that’s been going on in the last ten marvel movies or so. Captain America 2, the first Avengers, Iron Man 3, Thor 2, all that stuff has been feeding into the ideas and storylines of this movie. It’s practically unprecedented and if there’s anyone who can make this work it’s Joss Whedon. It’s gonna be fantastic.

With all due respect to the Taken 3 poster... This is the best picture ever.

With all due respect to the Taken 3 poster… This is the best picture ever.

And that’s it folks!! The movies I’m most excited about in 2015!! Now, I won’t be posting on Thursday (new years day) but I will be posting on Friday where I will make 5 bold movie predictions for next year AND see how I did with last years predictions! See you then!

Post posting EDIT: Okay, guys I have never ever done this before but an EGREGIOUS oversight on my part. I left off In the Heart of the Sea. A Ron Howard movie featuring Chris Hemsworth and a giant death whale called Moby Dick!!! I’m putting this in at Number 9 and ousting Inside Out. I’m still excited about it but it does not feature a giant death whale. Sorry Pixar.

Hey Internet, sorry about the non-post yesterday. I’m teaching on Mondays this year from roughly 8 in the morning until Forever O’clock (Pacific Standard Time) and as such I’m actually going to make the first ever Thoughts We Might Have Had official scheduling change!!! I’m gonna post Tuesdays and Thursdays. And announcement done.

So, now that that’s out of the way what shall we talk about? Who shall we become? How shall we survive a month in which ZERO good movies come out? The answer (of course) is to journey back into the dear dim past of our dear dim pants and make horrible, sarcastic jokes about movies everyone should love! So let’s dive right in then shall we?

5 Things I Learned From Peter Pan

 1. Always trust strangers who come into your room late at night wearing short skirts.

What’s that? A person you don’t know just broke into your room with some magical dust and asked you to fly away with him to a magical kingdom?? Dude, you go for that. Fly away into that magical kingdom, friend. Don’t leave a note, or get clothes, or put… ya know pants on. Just fly away to Neverland, everything will be great.

Seriously though, trust this guy.

Seriously though, trust this guy.

2. Mermaids are evil.

Okay, this one is actually true. Half-fish + half-lady = ALL evil. They will drown you. Drag you. Eat you. And then use your rotting, dead, watery corpse, as an all you can eat food platter. And these mermaids weren’t even just regularly evil they were “Mean Girls” evil. They would mock your hairstyle, critique your mascara, and then MURDER you!! To death.

3. Always bring a knife to a swordfight.

Because fighting with a three inch swiss army knife verses a man with a HUGE pirate sword makes a lot of sense. It gives you the element of… um… surprise? I guess. Or maybe the element of… stupid? Look, I’m all about perfecting your art and mastering the use of whatever weapon you happen to have chosen. I mean Daredevil was a TERRIBLE movie but Jennifer Aniston and her double knives of murder death?? Those were awesome. But she was a Ninja, and on a scale of 1 to awesome her knives were dope!! And on a scale of 1-Dumb Peter’s knives were mind-numbingly stupid… I need to work on my scales…

4. Alligators are hunting you. Always.

Never close your eyes, man. They’re after you. The alligators. If you hear something ticking, run. Run to the ends of the earth, go beyond the ends of the earth, find yourself a whole other dimension, and that gator will still come for you. He has a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like you.

The Alligator: basically natures Liam Neeson.

The Alligator: basically natures Liam Neeson.

5. Never underestimate the power of racism.

In a society where we can barely name our football teams it’s good to know that we’ll have a song entitled “What Makes the Red Man Red” to play for our children. I mean the song even has racist Indian dancing, racist Indian peace pipe smoking, and the insinuation of recreational drug use!! Peter Pan everyone, show it to your kids.

So there you go guys, 5 Things I have learned from the Peter and his Pan. Thanks Disney, and thank you audience. You guys are great! Check back in Thursday when I go over the great and wonderful history, of James Bond.

Internet!! Americans!! Citizens of the world, the internet, and the whole of Time and Space! And welcome to a day I’m sure many of you thought would never ever come. A second Liam Neeson Thursday. I know, I know you thought it was all just empty bluster and promises as shallow and meaningless as a green puddle in New York the day after St. Patrick’s day. And yet here I stand upon this day, in this place, and here is another day of: Liam Neeson Thursday.

Career Rewind: Liam Neeson

"Micah... I don't think the Internet is ready for this..."

“Micah… I don’t think the Internet is ready for this…”

So we all know that Liam Neeson has spent the last four or five years punching people in the face in as many locations as possible. But how did he begin this epic quest? What was the first step on this punching quest of punchitude? As with previous entries (or more accurately: previous entry) I’m gonna go through his film career from start to finish, skipping to the more interesting movies due to my lack of desire to be here all day.

1978 – Pilgrim’s Progress – and so began a wonderful journey of face punching. Technically Liam played Pilgrim not the main character (Christian.) But still. Not a bad place to start.

Here it is guys: the least awesome picture of Liam Neeson ever.

Here it is guys: the least awesome picture of Liam Neeson ever.

1981 – Excalibur – Neeson takes his first steps towards face punching by playing Gawain the Green Knight in Excalibur. I’m not entirely sure of the history here but I’m fairly sure Gawain stood on top of the round table and made threatening phone calls to Morgana.

At this point we’ve got a few year gap while Neeson gives his knuckles a rest to play in “A Woman of Substance” and he played a character (and I’m not making this up) named Blackie O’neal… and a movie called “The Good Mother”… He was in a movie called The Dead Pool, but he played a character named Peter Swan… which counteracts the manliness somewhat.

1990 – Darkman – Neeson plays The DARKMAN!!!! Or his alter ego Peyton Westlake. Regardless, it’s a super hero movie!!! Faces are punched… a lot. And those lots of faces are punched a lot. Now that we’re into movies I’ve actually seen and that were made after the date of my birth I can tell you that you probably shouldn’t actually watch Darkman… It’s weird… people get shot… there’s racism… it’s a weird movie. That said: Liam Neeson is awesome.

And this isn't even the weird part.

And this isn’t even the weird part.

1993 – Schindler’s List – And now we get into the big stuff. Neeson plays Oskar Schindler (because Oscar was apparently too well spelled) and Oskar Schindler punches Nazi!!!!! Or something… I may have blocked out certain finer points of Schindler’s List because it was SAD!!! With sad music and sad stuff… and sad Liam Neeson. I can’t…. I can’t take it.

1996 – Michael Collins – First off: if you haven’t seen Michael Collins you should go watch it now. Michael Collins is the story of the early IRA fighting against Britain and the escalation of the conflict between the two and then there’s Alan Rickman who is awesome and then there’s the SAD sick STUPID green nasty cherry on top that is Julia Roberts MURDERING an irish accent… not that I’m bitter. Seriously though… it’s a great movie.

1998 – Les Miserables – this is still my favorite version of this story. It’s not a musical, it tells a fairly grounded story, it stars Liam Neeson and NOWHERE is there a song of angry men!! It’s a huge win!! Plus Geofrey Rush!! Get on the good train people!

"Go ahead... sing. I dare you."

“Go ahead… sing. I dare you.”

1999- Star Wars Episode 1 – probably Liam’s real “big break” though ironically the movie itself is (obviously) not remembered super fondly. Honestly knowing what we know about Liam Neeson now it seems kind of a waste of his awesome Jedi potential… can we somehow bring him back in for Episode 7???

2005 – Kingdom of Heaven – Here’s the thing about Kingdom of Heaven: it’s a movie where Orlando Bloom must defend a city because his father (Liam Neeson) asks him to on his deathbed. The movie really shows exactly how awesome Liam Neeson is because as soon as Liam Neeson dies… that movie sucks. A lot. It’s a line of desuckation and the lines starts right after Liam Neeson closes his eyes.

2005 – Batman Begins – And this is it folks: Liam Neeson TRAINS BATMAN!!! I’m done. I win. Thank you. Goodnight.

2005 – The Chronicles of Narnia – Also: ASLAN!!! Batman. Aslan. Let’s all go home.

2008 – Taken – And this my friends is the continuation and the ultimate proof of the awesomeness of Liam Neeson. Taken. Aslan. Batman.

2008-2014 – I’m just gonna start summarizing here because the awesome is starting to spill out onto the floor. Between 2008 and today we’ve got Batman (again) Taken 2 (less convincing story. Same amount of awesome face punching) Unknown, Wrath of the Titans (wherein he played ZEUS!!) The Lego Movie (hilarious), The Grey (conceptually the saddest thing I have ever watched in my life) and Non-stop.

Liam Neeson everyone. I rest. My case.

Internet!! Here we are again, standing poised on the precipice of wonderful. The sweet sweet top of a delicious mountain of face punching. The warm aftertaste of a cool, coffee scented, mountain breeze. That’s right: it’s Liam Neeson Thursday!!!

Micah Reviews: Non-stop

Yeah... it's that sort of awesome.

Yeah… it’s that sort of awesome.

In Liam Neeson’s continued attempt to punch people in as many places as possible, he’s recently released Non-stop. A movie that could be summarized in three words Liam Neeson: airplane. What more do you need to know?? I could pack up this review now and take it home with me. I could spend the rest of the day trying to guess the next Liam Neeson three word summary. Possibly Liam Neeson: submarine. Or Liam Neeson: volcanoe. Or (somewhat less likely though no less interesting) Liam Neeson: Guacamole. This could go on forever!!! But instead, I shall just sit down and tell you about Non-stop because that seems more relevant.

The Plot:

Liam Neeson (his character has some other name like Brick Punchface or Max Facekill… actually I think it was actually Max… or perhaps Bill…) Anyway, Liam Neeson gets on a plane and he’s an Air Marshall. Somewhat oddly, the movie spends the first ten minutes going out of its way to not tell you that Liam is an air marshal. Despite the fact that every trailer for the movie told us VERY clearly that Neeson was an air marshal. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it just seems like an odd play on their part… it’s like the movie told you a secret and then the next day pretended it hadn’t told you. It was all like “what? What do you mean??? Air Marshall?? No he’s just a regular guy who happens to be Liam Neeson and is holding a gun in ALL OF THE POSTERS!!!”

Air Marshall??? What air marshall?

Air Marshal??? What air marshal?

Anyway again, Liam Neeson gets on a plane and he’s an air marshal and after a little while on the plane he starts receiving mysterious text messages from a mysterious text messenger (that’s right yeah? Text messenger? A messenger of texts?? sure… why not). But these are not the sort of mysterious text messages I receive, which usually say something along the lines of “who is this?” or “have you ever thought of renting a condo in florida??” No no. These are super stalker messages of terrorism. Some guy demanding millions of dollars or every twenty minutes he’ll buy a condo– I mean murder someone.

So Liam must spend several hours on a plane looking for people to punch, kick, neck break, and growl at in a manly fashion.

The Pros:

It’s a Liam Neeson.

"Thank you Micah. Thank you."

“Everyone raise your hands if you think I’m awesome.”

On the whole the movie holds together really well. The plot moves along really nicely and once the action gets going it doesn’t let up. It does fall apart a bit at the end (more on this later) but especially in the middle of things the movie does do very well for itself.

It’s a decent cast and the group of characters work well around the massive, golden, barbecue sauce scented mountain of awesome that is Liam Neeson on a plane.

The Negatrons:

Aside from the general generic action movie stuff: predictable overall plot, cheesiness of lines, reliance on the complete stupidity of everyone else in the film. Non-stop’s big problem is that at the end of things when the final villain is revealed you just don’t feel very impressed… and the reason he did it doesn’t really make a ton of sense. It’s like they wrote 4/5th of an awesome action movie and then just put all the characters names in a hat and picked one at random to see who would be the villain. And then after that they just sort of hit themselves with a hammer multiple times until they came up with some excuse for that particular person to have wanted to murder people on a plane. It’s a shame really cause the rest of the movie is good… in its own way.

In conclusion:

You probably already know whether you will like this movie or not. It’s Liam Neeson if you have liked any Liam Neeson movie since he stopped being all “touchy feely” and “in star wars” and stuff, you will like this one. It’s a solid action movie built on a good premise that moves along pretty well. It stumbles at the end and the villain isn’t up to the task but on the whole it’s a great ride (on a plane) that gets you exactly where you expect to go!

I give it a 3 out of 5.

When I watched trailers for The Grey, I thought I was all set-up for just another awesome Liam Neeson action movie. I mean Taken (though awesome) wasn’t exactly a deep theater experience. There were people, Liam Neeson was angry at them, good movie. Now, I wouldn’t by any means call Taken a “dumb action movie” but neither would I call it “something that transcended the action genre and rose to heights never before seen by mortal squirrel.” The Grey? Well let me have my personal pet squirrel of immortality Hot Waxerly tell you all about it…

Yeah he can’t type… or be real. Anyway though here’s my mostly squirrel free review of The Grey.

Micah Reviews: The Grey

If you haven’t seen the movie, you will not understand the emotional, cascading river that this picture sets loose in my soul…

We’re introduced to our hero John Ottway on what is obviously not his best day. First off he’s writing a note to his former wife (no longer in the picture) and secondly (and potentially much worse) he lives in Alaska. A frozen wasteland of hairy men, hairyer women, and hairy, man eating, carnivorous wolves the size of tiny ponies. (My apologies to residents of Alaska… assuming you have the internet there…)

Anyway, Ottway (because people in this movie go almost exclusively by their last name) gets on a plane bound for Anywhere-that’s-not-Alaska, USA when low and behold the plane beholds itself going low and crashes into the snow. (cause what else is there to crash into?) Ottway survives, and he (along with seven other survivors) must begin the long trek to wherever there might be people. This is difficult because A) They have no idea where exactly they are. And B) the place they do know they are (the Alaskan wilderness) is roughly the size of Australia (according to some semi-reliable sources that I probably made up).

“So the good news is we survived the crash. The bad new is we are still residents of Alaska… also wolves.

Also, (because being lost without food, hope, or Justin Bieber wasn’t bad enough) Alaska is home to ravenous and unforgiving Sarah Palin’s who are interested in nothing but… Oh wait I mean wolves. Sorry! Wolves. Lots of wolves. Wolves who have recently developed a distinct desire to eat Ottway and his band of merry steaks. So they do. A lot.

Ottway must try and get the survivors he’s taken charge of out of the wilderness and away from the rampaging wolf pack chasing them so they can get food, water, and (most importantly) to a place that’s not Alaska (or at the very least a place that’s slightly less Alaska).

“All right, so just so we’re all clear I’m going to eat you, you, and you…. also woof”

The Positives:

I realize that just by reading the description above The Grey still sounds like a fairly standard action/survival movie. But it’s in the characters (especially Liam Neeson’s Ottway) that the movie starts to take on a new (and far deeper) dimension. A ton of credit for this goes to the Director and the script and multiple times throughout the movie there are some excellent moments where you’ll just be blown away by some revelation or dialogue moment.

Liam Neeson is absolutely stellar as Ottway!! Not just in his portrayal of the tough outdoors man (something we’ve seen him do before) but in the subtle nuances of the character. Neeson oh so stealthily reveals different parts of the character to the audience and while the acting is certainly subdued so is the character he’s playing. It’s a wonderful, very low key look at an incredible, deep, quite character. This is honestly one of the things Neeson does better then anyone else around: he plays subtlety so well and so brilliantly that it’s easy to miss what he’s doing entirely until you get to the end of the movie and suddenly realize how connected you are to the character.

Oh Liam Neeson. How do you kick so much butt?

The movie is paced absolutely brilliantly. It starts off pretty slow (which is a good thing for a movie like this) but as soon as the wolves show up things go nuts (also a good thing). The movie really never lets up from there on out forcing you to race through the emotional journey just as fast as the movie characters have to move through their physical journey.

Finally the wolves are handled incredibly well. Never reaching the point where they feel too ominous or not ominous enough. The wolves are a constant threat in the back of your mind and more often then not just when you hope they won’t show up, they do. In a big bad way.

The Negatrons:

The Grey is a tough movie. As such it definitely earns its R rating with a lot of language and some vicious violence. I’m not saying this is a terrible thing but it is something that might take away from your enjoyment and certainly eliminates the chance of you watching it with little Bobby Tipkins. But the Grey doesn’t really ever pretend to be a movie that’s anything less then what it is. Hard men in a hard situation, the men act exactly like hard men in a hard situation would act.

In Conclusion:

The Grey is much much more then a survival/action movie. It’s a movie about why we survive, and why we fight, and even why we don’t. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride with some HUGE payoffs and gut punches that will leave you reeling. Let me stress again though that the movie is rated R. Lots of language and wolf related violence ensues. If you can can stomach said language and violence I definitely recommend the movie as it’s certainly a theatrical experience you won’t find anywhere else.

Liam Neeson leads a great cast in a carefully told story that gives you a LOT more to think about then how cool Liam Neeson is or how close an eye you should be keeping on your pet dog.

I give it 4 ravenous Alaskans out of 5.

A completely random note:

GI Joe: Retaliation, a movie that was set to come out June 29th of this year, (ya know like a month from now) has been delayed until March 29th, 2013 (ya know like… 10 months from now). Why, you may ask. Because the studio wants it to be done in 3D. Really??? Really studio execs? Your going to delay your movie 9 months so that it can get a post-filming face lift (which, consequently, rarely works) so you can make 5 dollars more off of every ticket? What. The. Monkey. I miss the days when a movie was released because it was a GOOD MOVIE! Not because it was IN 3D!! Do you really have so little faith in your movie that you think you need 5 more dollars from each ticket for you to get your investment back?

“Yeah I liked it but ya know what I thought this movie needed? Uncomfortable glasses and random gimmicky effects!.. Yeah I totally think it’s worth a nine month delay…”

I’m not a huge fan of 3D in movies (well documented fact). I think it pulls us out of movies more then it pushes us into them. Your constantly aware of the fact that you’re wearing stupid glasses and staring at a screen and (in most movies) once every ten minutes or so something will happen and you’ll go “Wow… that was a cool effect.” I’d rather enjoy a movie cause it’s a good movie then because once every ten minutes the movie manages to throw something at my uncomfortably bespectacled face. Maybe someday a movie will come out that changes that opinion (maybe it will be The Hobbit) but a movie like this that’s all set to come out and make money or not make money depending on whether or not it’s a good movie, that suddenly decides “Oh wait I’d like to occasionally be able to make the audience go ‘ooooo'” is just a major letdown for me.

So, so long GI Joe maybe I’ll see you next March… but I kinda doubt it.

This wolf is angry at you GI: Joe. Very. Angry.

Okay guys so… I watched the Grey this weekend… and… I’m not ready to talk about it yet… I’m just… I’m not ready. My heart I… I can’t take it. I’ll right about it on Thursday okay? I will… I just… I need time. Just let me say that it was one of the most emotionally deep roller coaster rides I have ever been on. I almost cried… my fiance’ did cry. Also there were a TON of f-bombs. A ton. And yet there was… nope. Not. Ready. I’ll talk on Thursday… I’m… I’m gonna go eat some skittles… hang on.

Okay. I feel better. Oh Liam Neeson… I knew you would punch a wolf… I didn’t know you would punch my heart… okay hang on. I’m gonna go break me off a piece of that kit-kat bar.

Okay… I’m back. So as opposed to talking about The… (sniffle)… that movie. I’m gonna talk about as many random things as possible in the hopes that it will district me from the Liam Neeson’s fist sized hole in my soul.

The Amazing Spider-Man: This movie (in my opinion) continues to give it’s nay sayers more and more reason to stop saying nay. Just stop it! Andrew Garfield looks awesome, Emma Stone is under rated and great, and Rhys Ifans looks like he’s playing the Lizard as not just an emotionlessly evil person (see all the villains in Spiderman 3) but as a man who really has a conscience that’s gradually worn away by his own choices.

What? You’re making Spiderman relevant and cool again as opposed to whiny and crying?? (GASP!!)

My biggest defense for this movie has always been that we need more Spiderman in our lives. I’m a huge fan of the Batman series (in case you hadn’t noticed) and I’m glad that Chris Nolan is stopping at a trilogy cause I think it’s going to be epic and going any further with such a great cast and script writer and crew would only lessen the great work they’ve already done. BUT ten years from now… Five years from now when I’ve been without a new batman movie for that long?? I’ll probably be ready for a re-vamp. Not because this series has been bad, but because I want more Batman movies.

The first two Spiderman movies were great. I liked them a lot and while they had their weaknesses they were made before we had really realized just how great super-hero movies could be. But Spiderman 3 I think we can all agree was terrible. And yet we’ve been stuck on that last spiderman movie for the last what? 5 years? That’s like eating the sour grape in the bunch and then fasting for a weak. Hopefully the Amazing Spiderman will serve as a surprisingly strong altoids mint that will remind us all why we liked the first two movies to begin with.

Avengers: Now the 4th highest grossing film of all time Avengers is still awesome. Just thought I’d give you a status update. If you haven’t seen this movie please go see it. You won’t regret it!!… unless you hate feeling good… or can’t stand to watch awesome things punch less awesome things in the face.

Cowgirls and Angels: No seriously, they’re making this movie. I promise. My first thought was this was some hilarious parody of last summers “Cowboys and Aliens” but it turns out it’s a heartwarming story about a girl and her dog… I mean horse… I mean Rodeo clown. And she’s looking for her father but instead meets a roving group of rodeo women… Man that was boring even to type. Pretty sure my fingers just fell asleep. I mean wouldn’t you be more likely to watch this movie if it was about a rogue Angel who was cast from heaven and landed in a town in the Civil War? And all the men were off fighting so it was up to Mary Maybelline to lead the courageous women in the town in a desperate defense against “the Fallen One?” I mean man… I’d watch that. And yes I realize the technical title of this movie is Cowgirls -N- Angels. Sit down you and your stupid title making. Sit the hay down!

She’s either an average Rodeo Clown or one of the most entertaining football referees ever!! (No one got that joke huh? Shut-up… I’m in mourning)

Sherlock: If you haven’t watched any of the BBC Sherlock series you are missing out!! I have this seasons final episode (I haven’t watched it yet) sitting on my computer right now and were it not for the fact that I’m waiting to watch it for Cassie there would be absolutely no sleep happening until I had watched it. Aside from all the other factors (Brilliant script, awesome acting, great cinematography) the main character is named Benedict Cumberbatch!!! I mean come on!!

Skyfall: Oh AND the trailer for the new James Bond movie is up!! If nothing else it serves as a reminder that Daniel Craig is just an EPIC person. Practically a younger version of Liam Nee… oh my heart. Oh Liam!! Hang on… a second… must go on… must finish blog.

James Bond is so much cooler then you! Sit down. 

In a Recent Poll: Some girl I have never ever heard of in my life was voted the most beautiful women in the world… I don’t know who votes in these things anyway but it definitely wasn’t me. Whoever won was apparently on the cover of Sports Illustrated or something like that. Good to know that the Democratic system is still well in order. This would be like you waking up in the morning to find out that Robert McRobert from Indiana, Texas was elected President… of the world. I feel like I should have been informed this was going on so that I could have voted. And campaigned… and stuck signs up by the road to obnoxiously distract drivers. Come on people. W.W.G.W.D? What Would George Washington Do?

I have no idea what person made this bracelet. But I like them!

Well that about does it. Hopefully I’ll be emotionally ready for reviewing The Grey on Thursday. In the meantime I’m gonna go drown my sorrows in Starbursts and Peanut Butter while quietly singing “What Hurts the Most”. See you Thursday!!


Okay so I didn’t actually watch the Super Bowl this year. I meant to. And wanted to. And was going to. However, my fiancé (who I love very much) was stricken ill on said super bowl Sunday and when given a choice between watching grown sweaty men run into each other at high speeds while getting paid ridiculous sums of money, and taking care of the ailing woman I love: I chose the woman. Mock me if you will.

Anyway, it turned out to be a good thing because Boston sports teams seem to be desperately trying to murder my soul now that the Celtics are officially sponsored by Millards Old Folks Home for Old Folks and New Potatoes, the Red Sox are doing their best to make as many dumb financial moves as possible, and the Patriots play really well right up until they need to play well. My raging bitterness aside though, let’s take a moment to focus on something that doesn’t make my soul hurt like a fudgecicle in the noon day sun: movie trailers. Super bowl movie trailers, to be precise.

Trailers you saw in the super bowl:

The Hunger Games:

That is one hungry bird... also a fire.

Wow I need to read these books. Of course me saying that is like a particularly ill kept howler monkey saying “wow I need to become the Queen of Russia” or a three eyed lizard saying “wow I need a monocle” or me saying “wow I need more sleep.” It’s a nice thought but probably won’t happen.

Anyway, Hunger Games (the movie) is (ironically) not about a bunch of people sitting around and eating… as far as I know. No, Hunger Games is about a bunch of people who apparently try to kill each other and a woman who wears way WAY to much makeup. A literal genocide of lipstick. Anyway lipstick death aside I really want to watch this movie if nothing else just so I’ll know whether it’s worth replacing the 4 minutes of sleep I actually get, with 4 minutes of reading a book.

The Lorax:

Did the people who made this movie actually read the book? Or did they just glance whimsically at the pictures while on a Mountain Dew and cheese string trip? I’m leaning towards option two. That said I’m sure the movie will be funny and that people will fork over their hard earned cash to watch something vaguely connected to Dr. Suess, that features the sultry gossamer tones of Taylor Swift pretending she’s an actress.

Star Wars Episode 1: The Phantom Menace in 3D     

In an effort to make a movie with an already way too long title even longer George Lucas has decided to stick “IN 3D!” on the end of this movie title. How would you like to spend 15 dollars to watch a mediocre movie that you have ALREADY SEEN with 3D effects that will occasionally make you go “wow that effect was cool.” You would? Great! Well here then, I have this empty pack of skittles and for the low low price of ten dollars I will let you have it! And (occasionally) it will smell like there are still skittles in it! I know!! Best thing ever!!

The sad thing is this movie will do really well and prompt one of Hollywoods most blatant attempt at picking our pockets since the release of Mulan 2 to continue happening. Well done America. Well done.

John Carter

Is it just me or was that image of John Carter photo shopped in by a 3 year old going through her "blue phase"

I remember when I watched the first advertisement for John Carter. I was in second grade at the time, nursing a bottle of Juicy Juice and betting little Jeremy Bumpkins that he couldn’t hiccup the ABC’s. I am (of course) kidding. It was the Star Spangled Banner.

Seriously though, the first trailer for John Carter debuted like… a year ago. And I have gotten progressively less and less excited about it. Originally it looked like a cool idea and was based on a classic sci-fi novel so I thought “hey why ever not.” Nowadays (months later) I generally think “oh, a good time for a bathroom break” or “hey, I’m gonna go get a drink” or “good goodness, a perfect time to savage my eye sockets with this Tonka Truck.”

I still don’t know whether or not this movie will be good, but I have officially been forced to watch so many trailers that I no longer care.


Battleship: Cause they already made Transformers

I think it’s so cute how the makers of this movie keep trying to convince us that it won’t be horrible. Isn’t based on a ridiculous premise. And doesn’t feature Liam Neeson in what might be his worst role since he played Zues in Clash of the (Whiny) Titans.

And Finally…

The Avengers

Sam Jackson wants you! I want a good movie... we'll see what happens.

A movie that so far still looks to be epically awesome will continue to have my “cautious enthusiasm” attached to it. Super-hero ensemble movies just don’t work and if anything this trailer (while awesome looking) only made me more cautious. I don’t know whether it was Sam Jackson muttering “I still believe in heroes” or the whole “I have an Army” “We have a Hulk” dialogue… thing. But there are a few portions of this film that look… questionable. Sure the explosions look cool and the Hulk apparently can jump through a plane/jet/space ship… thing. But I’m not sold just yet on this movie actually being as cool as it could be… I guess we’ll find out this summer…

And there you go. All the movie trailers that I think aired during the Super Bowl (not actually having watched it).

So, a shout out to the people who got a lullaby from Peter Pan stuck in my head earlier tonight. There are decent odds that I’m gonna break down weeping mid-way through this post as I pine for a lost childhood filled with Cathy Rigby songs and sworfights in which someone with a four-inch swiss army knife blade somehow challenged a pirate who was swinging a sword roughly the same size as a particularly slim rhino (Editor’s Note: That song may or may not be from the Cathy Rigby version… I have a small dog that does more actual research for this site than Micah does.)

Cathy Rigby everyone, a woman who has somehow made a career of being mistaken for a boy.

But anyway, we’re not here to talk about my childhood innocence (currently hiding in the corner singing softly to itself and holding my old one-eared rabbit doll). We’re here to talk about Taglines. The good, the bad, and the really long.

 Number 10:

 The Top:

 Ghostbusters: Who you Gonna Call

Who you gonna call? GHOSTBUSTERS!!

Let me tell you what it was super hard to find good taglines! Really really hard. Like trying to find well-rounded characters in Twilight or a delicate glass sculpture at a nursery. I did however, in a great triumph of the human spirit manage to find 10 that I thought were pretty cool.

Who you gonna call is just so classically iconic of everything that is the Ghostbusters franchise! I’m not even really a huge fan of the movies but even I can’t deny that the song is legit!… And hey I now have a different song stuck in my head! Win.

The Bottom:

 She’s the Man: Way.. way… too many words for me to write them all out.

Somewhere underneath all that text there's an occasionally funny movie... I have no idea where.

I don’t even have words for all the things this Tagline did wrong. Why did you feel it necessary to write the entire backstory of each character Movie? Literally after reading the Tagline I don’t need to watch the movie. Which actually… would have been very nice.

Number 9:

The Top

X-men: Trust A Few. Fear the Rest

Okay so I’m officially not putting up a picture of all of these so you’re just going to have to trust me on some of them. This was a sweet tagline for the first (and maybe best) of the X-men movies. And yes I was partially influenced by the fact that this was the first poster with Hugh Jackmen as Wolverine on it. What? He’s awesome.

The Bottom

The Nail Gun Massacre: It’s Cheaper Than a Chainsaw.

Basically you just told your audience that not only are you attempting to rip off another movie, but that you didn’t have a budget big enough to buy a chainsaw. This is like inviting your friends over for dinner and telling them “yes I got the recipe for these Chicken patties from McDonald’s but I couldn’t find any chicken so I just substituted used dirt.”

Number 8:

The Top

Finding Nemo: There are 3.7 million fish in the sea. He’s looking for one.

Believe it or not, this is not the only movie on the list that primarily starred a fish.

A fairly good tagline that at least got me moderately interested in a movie that primarily featured fish, whales, and the Australian sewer system.

The Bottom:

Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants: Laugh. Cry. Share the Pants.

I feel weird just typing that. Nevermind the fact that this poster prominently features a pair of pants, and relies on the little explored realm of “Jeans humor.”

Number 7:

The Top:

Alien vs. Predator: No Matter Who Wins. We lose.

I still don’t know how I feel about this one. I mean it’s a cool phrase and it very accurately depicts what goes down in the movie but… I don’t know… I feel like I’m giving out a prize to the little obnoxious kid who won the award for “most gum stuck to face.” Yes he won. But he is still an obnoxious little kid with a penchant for showing the violent dismemberment of human kind… yeah that analogy kind of fell apart on me all at once there.

The Bottom

Clash of the Titans: Titans. Will. Clash.

Oh… So that’s why they call it that…

Number 6:

The Top:

Aliens: In Space no one can hear you scream.

I don’t know what it is about that line but every time I read it the thing gets scarier. It get’s close to the “redundant truth” category but manages to avoid thanks to a picture of a really creepy egg and my ingrained desire not get eaten.

The Bottom:

Yogi Bear: Great Things Come in Bears.

Every time I look at this poster I feel dumber.

Really movie? Great things come in Bears? What specific great things are you referring to? Fish? Berries? The children of hikers lost in the woods?

 Number 5:

The Top:

TexasChainsaw Massacre in 3D: Buzz. Kill.

Yes it’s a horrible terrible movie. But any poster that can make its entire point with two words that mean at least 4 different things has got to be a winner.

Oh and for those of you keeping score at home I definitely have that Peter Pan song stuck in my head again… probably a creepy place to put that thought… directly after the chainsaw massacre thing… and let’s just move on.

The Bottom:

Frogs: Today the Pond… Tomorrow the world!

Cause obviously the next step after the pond is the world. Not to mention the fact that this movie is counting on the fact that frogs can be at all scary in anything more than a “oh that’s nasty” sort of way. Oh the failure.

Number 4:

The Top:

I am Legend: Welcome to Earth Population 1

A great movie with a very cool poster/campaign… thing. Of course I suppose technically the population could be 1.5. I mean the dog has to count for something right?

The Bottom:

Die Hard 2: Die Harder

All my respect to Bruce Willis: breaker of heads. But no matter how hard you try Bruce “die harder” will never ever make sense.

Number 3:

The Top: The Grey: Live or Die This Day

You seriously thought I wasn’t going to put this here? I felt kind of bad cause it’s a newer movie and I figured there must be something better than this but… there wasn’t. Liam Neeson everyone: bringing awesome to us all.

The bottom:

Above the Law:  He was a covert agent trained inVietnam. He has a master 6th degree Black Belt in Akido…and family in the Mafia. He’s an cop with an attitude.

Aside from the questionable grammatical structure this is a movie trying so hard to be cool that it hurts my teeth. And failing so hard at being cool that it hurts its teeth.

Number 2:

The Top:

The Prestige: Are you watching closely?

Christian Bale wants you to watch closely as Wolverine and Batman collide... um... yes please.

Such a great tagline that brought you into the whole illusion of the movie and all of the illusion in the movie and all the illusion that was the movie… okay so the last one didn’t really make sense but hey, it’s a cool tag line.

The Bottom:

Jaws 2: This time it’s personal.

Not just a giant killer shark, but a vengeful giant killer shark.

Nevermind the fact that “this time it’s personal” is ridiculously over used. The person taking this “personal” in this case, is a fish.

Number 1:

The Top:

I am Legend: The last man on earth… isn’t alone.

Will Smith and a dog. The makings of a great film!

A creepy, haunting tag line that once you watch the movie makes even more sense. A big big win for the only movie to earn itself two nominations on the list.

The Bottom:

GUN: One Gun Many Lives Lost

This particular gem sneaks its way up not just for having a hilariously stupid tagline but for going above and beyond the call of duty and disagreeing with its own poster. He’s holding two guns.

I know we said one gun before but... well I had this other gun and... yeah...

So there you have it ladies and gentlemen! A product of no less than twenty minutes of intensive research and long grueling hours sorting through google images. And what have we learned? Peter Pan songs are way way to catchy!