Posts Tagged ‘Liam Neeson’

Well hey gang, and welcome back to another thrilling episode of: Surviving Jefbruary. Wherein Micah tries desperately to make it through the two most boring months in cinema. In this weeks edition I turn to the audience for help with another thrilling and chilling, premium billinged episode of:

Reader Mailbag 2/23/2016

Per usual you can ask a question for the mailbag be emailing thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or just by posting something in the comments that I will maybe remember to get… maybe.

Question 1: Hey Micah, any thoughts on the new “Jungle Book” coming out? And while we’re on the subject of Disney renewing their copyrights through reboots, how feasible is the idea of a post on top/bottom Disney sequels (and, in some cases, three-quels)? – Reni

Umm… Honestly?? I don’t care that much. I mean I love the cast list, but it’s not like I’m super excited about the whole thing. I’m fine with Disney doing what they’re doing re-boot/re-make wise but I’m not exactly lining up to watch them. I still haven’t seen the new Cinderella movie just due to sheer, unadulterated apathy. I’ve seen Cinderella, I’ve heard nothing but positive reviews about the new movie but I have no interest in doing literally any work at all to go watch it. I mean… I’ve seen that. Literally exactly that. Just because you slap some mayo on a ham sandwich doesn’t mean I’m gonna be anxiously lining up for the new Ham Sandwich 4000!!! Tis but a sandwich. Of ham.

jungle-book

“What do you mean there’s something behind me?”

 

And now I’m hungry.

Also, the only thing stopping me from doing a post on Disney sequels is that it would involve me watching such classics as Mulan 2, The Little Mermaid 2, and (sigh) Kronks New Groove. And I don’t hate myself that much… yet.

Question 2: Are you excited for Fuller House? – Maggie

Nope. No I am not. It’s a family re-boot show… thing, of a show I didn’t watch. If you were a fan of Full House, I’m sure Fuller House will be at least worth watching, but nothing about it makes me want to run out and do any research about such things. It’s a family show about some people in a house who have various hijinks and hijunks and learn that (in the end) family is the most important thing. That’s not even putting mayo on the ham sandwich… it’s just the same sandwich… many years later. Once again, I’m sure if you like Full House, this will be (at worst) a fun walk down memory lane. But I don’t feel like it’s intended for the uninitiated Full House heathens such as myself.

Question 3: What do you think of the Flash/Supergirl crossover? – Dean

Honestly, I’m super excited about that. Well… okay I’m excited. Let’s not get carried away there. Supergirl has honestly rounded nicely into form over the past couple weeks. It took it a little bit, but the characters on the show have shown a lot of depth lately and Melissa Benoist’s strong lead is carrying the rest of the cast through. Honestly I feel like it’s two big flaws right now are that the fist fighting still looks a bit ‘Juniors First Fight’ and the dialogue occasionally collapses a bit. The storylines are strong though, and the ensemble cast holds up really well (though Callista Flockheart’s character annoys me IMMENSELY.)

Calista-Flockhart

In most of her scenes Callista’s elbows are stuck like that. Just sort of flailing around like the blondest T-Rex.

 

The Flash has been strong for a while now and the second season has continued that trend, so, sure put the characters together and see what happens. Both shows rely heavily on their main characters “Adorkable” factor so why not mash them both together and see what happens. After all you can’t be too adorable right?

Question 4: Do you think Daredevil Season 2 will be any good? – Nic

I’m excited for it. I liked season 1 of Daredevil though it did drag ALOT in the middle. I’m all about the Punisher and Elektra being thrown into the mix, and adding some extra faces to distract from Foggy Nelsons weird, mopey, rat faced face. So we’ll see what happens, I’m all about the idea of Daredevil Season 2, we’ll just have to see what goes down in the execution.

9OiFZ0D

He is also saddened by the face of Foggy Nelson.

 

Question 5: Did you know they’re making a Taken prequel series? – James

Yes I did. And it’s an abomination. It’s the worst idea I’ve ever heard. Ya know what Bryan Mills is before Taken?? He’s an agent. Before Taken he’s just another Agent working for the government like all the other agents in all the other TV shows about Agents who agent things. Ya know what else he’s doing??? Not being NOT LIAM NEESON. Making Taken without Liam Neeson is like making Hamlet without Ham. Like making Deadpool without pools and swearing. It’s like making the Lion King without literally any of the things that went into making the Lion King. Only a TV network could watch Taken and think: “Boy that Agent Mills would make a great TV series.” When everyone was thinking “Man Liam Neeson is awesome.” Most people don’t even know who Bryan Mills is, they just know that Liam Neeson killed a lot of people to save that one annoying chick from Lost. How did this get approved?? What was the pitch?? “So you know that Liam Neeson series about that guy whose boring and then goes nuts and kills a ton of people?? Well what if we did a series about him back when he was boring AND we didn’t get Liam Neeson?!?!?”

Worst. Idea. Ever.

Question 6 (this from an enraged text) Emily Blunt as Marry Poppins?!?!?!

Yup… that’s a thing. Also: Mary Poppins 2?? Who asked for Mary Poppins 2? Who watched Mary Poppins and thought ‘Boy, that left a lot of my questions unanswered!!’ And Emily Blunt??? She’s great, she’s that girl from Edge of Tomorrow, and is gonna be definitely the best part of Snow White 2: We Kicked out Snow White. Why is she in Mary Poppins 2??? Who popped her into Poppins????

Emily-Blunt-Mary-Poppins

Wait, I’m in what??

 

So there you go guys! Thanks for reading and as ever you can email questions or post in the comments to get your questions answered on the next thrilling episode of: the Reader mailbag.

Well hello Internet and welcome to Saint Patrick’s day. A day famous for Saints, Patricks, drinking and… yeah pretty much just the drinking thing. But anyway, assuming you’re not drinking, or have finished drinking, or would like to be drinking but aren’t or whatever state of drinking or not drinking you happen to be in right now I’m sure you’re thinking to yourself “Man, I wish someone would tell me what movie I should watch today!!” Well random impressionable person, here’s a list of some movies just for you.

Top St. Patrick’s Day Movies 

For the ladies: Leap Year 

A movie starring Amy Adams and some slab of Irish, human person. Leap Year tells the story of a woman who wandered off to Ireland to propose to her boyfriend on leap day because according to some old tradition invented by Grandma Gillikans a man can’t refuse a proposal proposed on Leap Year day… wow that does not sound like a good premise does it? And in the premises defense it went on to not be all that awesome a movie. That said it’s a good movie and it will make your heartstrings go zing or zong or ttfn or whatever the kids heartstrings are doing these days.

For the men: Darby O’Gill and the Little People 

Ha ha… no. I’m kidding. I just wanted to type that out loud. Or whatever the blogging equivalent of that is. Also: Sean Connery.

If I were to sit down and try and try to make up the weirdest movie for Sean Connery to have been in, I could not do nearly as well as this movie. That he was actually in.

If I were to sit down and try and try to make up the weirdest movie for Sean Connery to have been in, I could not do nearly as well as this movie. That he was actually in.

For the men: Gangs of New York

There you go guys. An excuse to watch a Scorsese film featuring an incredible performance by Daniel Day-Lewis (as if there were any other kind), one of the earliest sighting of Leonardo Decaprio after he molted his horrifyingly terrible Titanic skin, and (in his first of many appearances on this list) Liam Neeson. Because Ireland without Liam Neeson is like a delicious pepperoni pizza without the pepperonis. Like a majestic grizzly bear without the grizzle. Like a beautiful death swan without its samurai sword…

What was I talking about?? Oh yeah, so Gangs of New York is a great, guys movies for St. Patrick’s day. It’s got Irish people, and horrendous horrible terrible horrible terrible violence that if you don’t drink already, will probably push you in that direction. So you’re welcome guys, you’re welcome.

Also: this mustache!!

Also: this mustache!!

For the History Buffs: Patrick 

So “Patrick “is a VERY somber take on the life of the aforementioned Saint, probably don’t watch this before you wander off with your friends to your local Happy Fun Day Party Times House… or wherever the kids are hanging out these days. That said it’s very interesting and (of course) narrated by Liam Neeson.

For… pretty much everyone: Michael Collins

Michael Collins is probably/definitely/with-no-doubt-whatsoever my favorite movie on this list. It’s historical (war for Irish independence), it has action (war for Irish Independence), a love triangle (war for… what’s-her-name) and (of course) Liam Freekin’ Neeson (war for awesome.) How are you not already watching this movie?? It even (as though you needed another reason to watch it) has Alan Rickman in it!! Seriously, why aren’t you watching this right now?? Why am I not watching that right now???

Liam Neeson: The most Saint Patricky thing since the actual Saint.

Liam Neeson: The most Saint Patricky thing since the actual Saint.

P.S. Just as a disclaimer: this movie has Julia Roberts in it. The fact that it has Julia Roberts in it (with the additional handicap of her having a HORRIBLE Irish accent) and I think it’s a good movie still should give you an idea of how good a movie this is.

Special Bonus Movie advice: Just go watch a Liam Neeson movie. Literally any Liam Neeson movie. Watch Love Actually which is arguably the most British movie ever made, it doesn’t matter. Liam Neeson is practically St. Patrick at this point. If we learned anything from last weeks blog about St. Patrick’s history it was that St. Patrick would probably not approve of his own holiday. You know who does approve?? Liam. So go watch a Liam Neeson movie. It’s what Liam would want. It’s what Ireland would want. It’s what I want.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day.

Well hey Internet, and welcome to Tuesday!! Unless of course this Tuesday is your Friday, or (alternatively) your Thursday. It’s been a confusing week. Days mean nothing, time is fluid, the door is a jar. All that stuff. However, nothing can hereby stop the new time of the year in which I know venture the retrospective/perspective posts!! That’s right ladies and gentleman this time of year I get to sit back, stop trying to think up what in the world I should write about, and instead try and remember  what in the world I’ve been doing for the past year.

And just to put off that horrible task for one more week here’s a list of the ten movies I’m most excited about in 2015!! Prepare for a party people, strap a hat on, grab a donkey tale and get ready to pin that sucker right on!!

(As usual these are in ranks from least to most excitements.)

10. Taken 3 – January 9th

I know, I know calm down. Look I can out pretentious anyone, I LOVE movies that make me think and change my life and have great scripts but ya know what I also like?? Liam Neeson punching things. And while Taken 3 will have none of the former it will have a LOT of the latter and sometimes you just take that latter and run with it. Set it up against the side of a tree and steal some apples!!!

There will never be an end to Liam Neeson. Never. He will punch then end in the face and it will become a beginning.

There will never be an end to Liam Neeson. Never. He will punch then end in the face and it will become a beginning.

I mean Taken 2 was good (though but by no means great or even ‘really good’) and Non-Stop was actually ‘really good.’ Taken 3 seems to be getting away from the whole “kidnapped by vaguely middle eastern people overseas” thing and gone for more of an intrigue/falsely accused thing which will hopefully add a nice new twist to things. Though let us remember the reason I will be seeing this movie: the joy of watching Mr. Liam Neeson punch other not Liam Neeson people. Bring it on Mr. Neeson, bring it on.

9. Inside Out – June 19th

My official kids movie of the year, Inside Out looks adorable and funny and all the things a Pixar movie should be. It will make tons of money and sell tons of toys and every child will want to quote their favorite parts of the movie to you. Thanks Pixar, you wonderful, horrible people you.

8. The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 2 – November 20th

In my 2014 list The Hunger Games Mockingjay Part 1 clocked in at a whopping number 4 but honestly as the year went on I got less and less excited about it. They released trailers and footage and clips and (apparently) replica barbie’s or something but honestly I just… didn’t care. I actually still haven’t gone to see it out of raw apathy. Cause even if I do go and do watch it and do like the story isn’t going to end. Nothing is going to resolve. Granted, Part 2 will solve that problem but the whole thing has just put a bad flavor in my mouth.

I’m sure a bunch of angry Katniss fans are currently scrubbing angry e-mails to me (thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com ladies) but that’s just how I feel. I’m not saying I’m not interested in the movie, just that I’m not as excited about it as I am about other things. For instance:

7. Jurassic World – June 12th

Honest confession: I’m not a huge Jurassic Park fan. I’ve watched the first one a couple times, and I think I saw one other one but I don’t remember caring much for it and never bothered to watch any of the other ones. As Jurassic Park switches to Jurassic World though it’s bringing along Chris Pratt (who’s awesome) and Bryce Dallas Howard (who’s… well Bryce Dallas Howard, for whatever that’s worth.) The plot looks a little hit or miss but there will be dinosaurs and (apparently) some sort of alpha-hyper-super dinosaur who will beat the snot out of the other dinosaurs and steal their lunch money.

All the sudden "Live every week, like it's shark week" is super depressing.

All the sudden “Live every week, like it’s shark week” is super depressing.

6.  Victor Frankenstein – October 2nd

This is one of two movies that I’m putting on here based almost entirely on the strength of the people in it. Check out this casting:

Igor – Danielle Radcliff. Dr. Frankenstein – James McAvoy. Roderick Turpin – Andrew Scott.

I have no idea who Roderick Turpin is but it’s Andrew Scott (Sherlock’s Professor Moriarty, and an INCREDIBLY good actor) so I’m in there.  Igor is apparently the major character here and the script was written by Max Landis (“Chronicle” and “Death and Return of Superman”) so all the parts here look like they could make a really good movie. Obviously there’s not a lot of info on the movie yet, but still I think there’s a lot of promise here so we’ll see what happens.

5. Ant-Man – July 17th

It’s a huge tribute to Marvel that this movie even ranks this high. I have such little interest in Ant-man as a super-hero. I mean he grows and shrinks and can (apparently) control ants or something. That’s not a great basis for a movie… right? I mean I like Paul Rudd.. but that’s about it.

On the other hand, it’s Marvel movie. They’ve been awesome, the worst Marvel movie is better then roughly 80 percent of other action/comedy/excitement movies. So I guess I’m in… I mean it’d be nice to see a trailer for it at some point. But let’s remember the last time Marvel green lit a less then front line comic book movie it was Guardians of the Galaxy which was freeking awesome. So who am I (lowly blogger that I am) not to be excited such things.

4. Spectre – November 6th 

The next James Bond movie that follows arguably the best James Bond movie ever and features Daniel Craig, Christoph Waltz, and (once again) Andrew Scott. Now, to this point very little is known about the movie but it’s a fairly safe bet that it (at some point) will feature James Bond’s ultimate nemesis a guy by the name of Ernst Blofeld (yeah, I didn’t come up with it.) Now, the smart money is on that being the very talented Christoph Waltz BUT you want to hear my crazy Sherlock fueled conspiracy theory?? Too bad. You’re hearing it.

So, for most of the movie Waltz will be the main villain and be all menacing and everyone will be like “Oh he’s Blofeld” kind of like when Star Trek: Into Darkness kept pretending that Benedict Cumberbatch wasn’t Khan when EVERYONE knew he was 100 percent definitely Khan. But this time 2/3 of the way through the movie Bond kills Waltz’s character only to have it revealed that the REAL Blofeld was actually Andrew Scott all along (cause Andrew Scott was MADE to be a villain in awesome movies) and Scott succeeds in doing something horrible before running off and setting up a huge face-off in the next Bond movie!!! BOOM.

Drop.

Mic.

moriarty-andrew-scott

“Yes, I should be the villain of every movie. Ever.”

I’m roughly 98% sure that won’t happen… but it would be awesome!

3. The Jungle Book – October 9th

We’ve actually got two live action Jungle Book remakes coming out in the next two years and this is the second movie I’m in on this year largely because of the cast (in this case the voice-over cast.) Observe:

Idris Elba – Shere Khan. Bill Murray – Baloo. Ben Kingsley – Bagheera. Christopher Walken – King Louis.

I mean for real. That’s insane. The only voices missing from this are Liam Neeson and Benedict Cumberbatch. That’s a great cast. I would pay to hear those people read a newspaper from the 50’s let alone the Jungle Book. I’m not guaranteeing it will be a great movie, but I do guarantee that it will sound great.

And now we get to the big 2, the good stuff, a whole new level of anticipation!!

2. Star Wars Episode 7: The Force Awakens – December 18th

Yup. Number 2. I know, I know calm down. Here’s the deal: I believe in J.J. Abrams, I think the old cast is great, I think the new cast looks great, and I think the trailer was good (though sparse on information.) But there’s really no concrete proof that this will be good. I mean we haven’t seen a good star wars movie in literally DECADES. We’ll just have to see what happens, I think it will be good. I’m even pretty sure it will be good… but there’s no real evidence of that right at this moment. We’ll just have to see. I am VERY excited about this movie but we’ll just have to see what happens.

This isn't the official  movie poster... it's just way more awesome.

This isn’t the official movie poster… it’s just way more awesome.

1. Avengers: Age of Ultron – May 1st 

Unlike Star Wars  we both know a great Avengers video can be made (Cause one has been made recently by these same people) AND we’ve seen an AMAZING and very informative trailer. I think Age of Ultron will be fantastic, delve into new areas of the old story, and push the envelope of what we expect a super-hero movie to be. You could say that this is the culmination of all the character development that’s been going on in the last ten marvel movies or so. Captain America 2, the first Avengers, Iron Man 3, Thor 2, all that stuff has been feeding into the ideas and storylines of this movie. It’s practically unprecedented and if there’s anyone who can make this work it’s Joss Whedon. It’s gonna be fantastic.

With all due respect to the Taken 3 poster... This is the best picture ever.

With all due respect to the Taken 3 poster… This is the best picture ever.

And that’s it folks!! The movies I’m most excited about in 2015!! Now, I won’t be posting on Thursday (new years day) but I will be posting on Friday where I will make 5 bold movie predictions for next year AND see how I did with last years predictions! See you then!

Post posting EDIT: Okay, guys I have never ever done this before but an EGREGIOUS oversight on my part. I left off In the Heart of the Sea. A Ron Howard movie featuring Chris Hemsworth and a giant death whale called Moby Dick!!! I’m putting this in at Number 9 and ousting Inside Out. I’m still excited about it but it does not feature a giant death whale. Sorry Pixar.

Hey Internet, sorry about the non-post yesterday. I’m teaching on Mondays this year from roughly 8 in the morning until Forever O’clock (Pacific Standard Time) and as such I’m actually going to make the first ever Thoughts We Might Have Had official scheduling change!!! I’m gonna post Tuesdays and Thursdays. And announcement done.

So, now that that’s out of the way what shall we talk about? Who shall we become? How shall we survive a month in which ZERO good movies come out? The answer (of course) is to journey back into the dear dim past of our dear dim pants and make horrible, sarcastic jokes about movies everyone should love! So let’s dive right in then shall we?

5 Things I Learned From Peter Pan

 1. Always trust strangers who come into your room late at night wearing short skirts.

What’s that? A person you don’t know just broke into your room with some magical dust and asked you to fly away with him to a magical kingdom?? Dude, you go for that. Fly away into that magical kingdom, friend. Don’t leave a note, or get clothes, or put… ya know pants on. Just fly away to Neverland, everything will be great.

Seriously though, trust this guy.

Seriously though, trust this guy.

2. Mermaids are evil.

Okay, this one is actually true. Half-fish + half-lady = ALL evil. They will drown you. Drag you. Eat you. And then use your rotting, dead, watery corpse, as an all you can eat food platter. And these mermaids weren’t even just regularly evil they were “Mean Girls” evil. They would mock your hairstyle, critique your mascara, and then MURDER you!! To death.

3. Always bring a knife to a swordfight.

Because fighting with a three inch swiss army knife verses a man with a HUGE pirate sword makes a lot of sense. It gives you the element of… um… surprise? I guess. Or maybe the element of… stupid? Look, I’m all about perfecting your art and mastering the use of whatever weapon you happen to have chosen. I mean Daredevil was a TERRIBLE movie but Jennifer Aniston and her double knives of murder death?? Those were awesome. But she was a Ninja, and on a scale of 1 to awesome her knives were dope!! And on a scale of 1-Dumb Peter’s knives were mind-numbingly stupid… I need to work on my scales…

4. Alligators are hunting you. Always.

Never close your eyes, man. They’re after you. The alligators. If you hear something ticking, run. Run to the ends of the earth, go beyond the ends of the earth, find yourself a whole other dimension, and that gator will still come for you. He has a very particular set of skills, skills he has acquired over a very long career. Skills that make him a nightmare for people like you.

The Alligator: basically natures Liam Neeson.

The Alligator: basically natures Liam Neeson.

5. Never underestimate the power of racism.

In a society where we can barely name our football teams it’s good to know that we’ll have a song entitled “What Makes the Red Man Red” to play for our children. I mean the song even has racist Indian dancing, racist Indian peace pipe smoking, and the insinuation of recreational drug use!! Peter Pan everyone, show it to your kids.

So there you go guys, 5 Things I have learned from the Peter and his Pan. Thanks Disney, and thank you audience. You guys are great! Check back in Thursday when I go over the great and wonderful history, of James Bond.

Internet!! Americans!! Citizens of the world, the internet, and the whole of Time and Space! And welcome to a day I’m sure many of you thought would never ever come. A second Liam Neeson Thursday. I know, I know you thought it was all just empty bluster and promises as shallow and meaningless as a green puddle in New York the day after St. Patrick’s day. And yet here I stand upon this day, in this place, and here is another day of: Liam Neeson Thursday.

Career Rewind: Liam Neeson

"Micah... I don't think the Internet is ready for this..."

“Micah… I don’t think the Internet is ready for this…”

So we all know that Liam Neeson has spent the last four or five years punching people in the face in as many locations as possible. But how did he begin this epic quest? What was the first step on this punching quest of punchitude? As with previous entries (or more accurately: previous entry) I’m gonna go through his film career from start to finish, skipping to the more interesting movies due to my lack of desire to be here all day.

1978 – Pilgrim’s Progress – and so began a wonderful journey of face punching. Technically Liam played Pilgrim not the main character (Christian.) But still. Not a bad place to start.

Here it is guys: the least awesome picture of Liam Neeson ever.

Here it is guys: the least awesome picture of Liam Neeson ever.

1981 – Excalibur – Neeson takes his first steps towards face punching by playing Gawain the Green Knight in Excalibur. I’m not entirely sure of the history here but I’m fairly sure Gawain stood on top of the round table and made threatening phone calls to Morgana.

At this point we’ve got a few year gap while Neeson gives his knuckles a rest to play in “A Woman of Substance” and he played a character (and I’m not making this up) named Blackie O’neal… and a movie called “The Good Mother”… He was in a movie called The Dead Pool, but he played a character named Peter Swan… which counteracts the manliness somewhat.

1990 – Darkman – Neeson plays The DARKMAN!!!! Or his alter ego Peyton Westlake. Regardless, it’s a super hero movie!!! Faces are punched… a lot. And those lots of faces are punched a lot. Now that we’re into movies I’ve actually seen and that were made after the date of my birth I can tell you that you probably shouldn’t actually watch Darkman… It’s weird… people get shot… there’s racism… it’s a weird movie. That said: Liam Neeson is awesome.

And this isn't even the weird part.

And this isn’t even the weird part.

1993 – Schindler’s List – And now we get into the big stuff. Neeson plays Oskar Schindler (because Oscar was apparently too well spelled) and Oskar Schindler punches Nazi!!!!! Or something… I may have blocked out certain finer points of Schindler’s List because it was SAD!!! With sad music and sad stuff… and sad Liam Neeson. I can’t…. I can’t take it.

1996 – Michael Collins – First off: if you haven’t seen Michael Collins you should go watch it now. Michael Collins is the story of the early IRA fighting against Britain and the escalation of the conflict between the two and then there’s Alan Rickman who is awesome and then there’s the SAD sick STUPID green nasty cherry on top that is Julia Roberts MURDERING an irish accent… not that I’m bitter. Seriously though… it’s a great movie.

1998 – Les Miserables – this is still my favorite version of this story. It’s not a musical, it tells a fairly grounded story, it stars Liam Neeson and NOWHERE is there a song of angry men!! It’s a huge win!! Plus Geofrey Rush!! Get on the good train people!

"Go ahead... sing. I dare you."

“Go ahead… sing. I dare you.”

1999- Star Wars Episode 1 – probably Liam’s real “big break” though ironically the movie itself is (obviously) not remembered super fondly. Honestly knowing what we know about Liam Neeson now it seems kind of a waste of his awesome Jedi potential… can we somehow bring him back in for Episode 7???

2005 – Kingdom of Heaven – Here’s the thing about Kingdom of Heaven: it’s a movie where Orlando Bloom must defend a city because his father (Liam Neeson) asks him to on his deathbed. The movie really shows exactly how awesome Liam Neeson is because as soon as Liam Neeson dies… that movie sucks. A lot. It’s a line of desuckation and the lines starts right after Liam Neeson closes his eyes.

2005 – Batman Begins – And this is it folks: Liam Neeson TRAINS BATMAN!!! I’m done. I win. Thank you. Goodnight.

2005 – The Chronicles of Narnia – Also: ASLAN!!! Batman. Aslan. Let’s all go home.

2008 – Taken – And this my friends is the continuation and the ultimate proof of the awesomeness of Liam Neeson. Taken. Aslan. Batman.

2008-2014 – I’m just gonna start summarizing here because the awesome is starting to spill out onto the floor. Between 2008 and today we’ve got Batman (again) Taken 2 (less convincing story. Same amount of awesome face punching) Unknown, Wrath of the Titans (wherein he played ZEUS!!) The Lego Movie (hilarious), The Grey (conceptually the saddest thing I have ever watched in my life) and Non-stop.

Liam Neeson everyone. I rest. My case.

Internet!! Here we are again, standing poised on the precipice of wonderful. The sweet sweet top of a delicious mountain of face punching. The warm aftertaste of a cool, coffee scented, mountain breeze. That’s right: it’s Liam Neeson Thursday!!!

Micah Reviews: Non-stop

Yeah... it's that sort of awesome.

Yeah… it’s that sort of awesome.

In Liam Neeson’s continued attempt to punch people in as many places as possible, he’s recently released Non-stop. A movie that could be summarized in three words Liam Neeson: airplane. What more do you need to know?? I could pack up this review now and take it home with me. I could spend the rest of the day trying to guess the next Liam Neeson three word summary. Possibly Liam Neeson: submarine. Or Liam Neeson: volcanoe. Or (somewhat less likely though no less interesting) Liam Neeson: Guacamole. This could go on forever!!! But instead, I shall just sit down and tell you about Non-stop because that seems more relevant.

The Plot:

Liam Neeson (his character has some other name like Brick Punchface or Max Facekill… actually I think it was actually Max… or perhaps Bill…) Anyway, Liam Neeson gets on a plane and he’s an Air Marshall. Somewhat oddly, the movie spends the first ten minutes going out of its way to not tell you that Liam is an air marshal. Despite the fact that every trailer for the movie told us VERY clearly that Neeson was an air marshal. It’s not necessarily a bad thing, but it just seems like an odd play on their part… it’s like the movie told you a secret and then the next day pretended it hadn’t told you. It was all like “what? What do you mean??? Air Marshall?? No he’s just a regular guy who happens to be Liam Neeson and is holding a gun in ALL OF THE POSTERS!!!”

Air Marshall??? What air marshall?

Air Marshal??? What air marshal?

Anyway again, Liam Neeson gets on a plane and he’s an air marshal and after a little while on the plane he starts receiving mysterious text messages from a mysterious text messenger (that’s right yeah? Text messenger? A messenger of texts?? sure… why not). But these are not the sort of mysterious text messages I receive, which usually say something along the lines of “who is this?” or “have you ever thought of renting a condo in florida??” No no. These are super stalker messages of terrorism. Some guy demanding millions of dollars or every twenty minutes he’ll buy a condo– I mean murder someone.

So Liam must spend several hours on a plane looking for people to punch, kick, neck break, and growl at in a manly fashion.

The Pros:

It’s a Liam Neeson.

"Thank you Micah. Thank you."

“Everyone raise your hands if you think I’m awesome.”

On the whole the movie holds together really well. The plot moves along really nicely and once the action gets going it doesn’t let up. It does fall apart a bit at the end (more on this later) but especially in the middle of things the movie does do very well for itself.

It’s a decent cast and the group of characters work well around the massive, golden, barbecue sauce scented mountain of awesome that is Liam Neeson on a plane.

The Negatrons:

Aside from the general generic action movie stuff: predictable overall plot, cheesiness of lines, reliance on the complete stupidity of everyone else in the film. Non-stop’s big problem is that at the end of things when the final villain is revealed you just don’t feel very impressed… and the reason he did it doesn’t really make a ton of sense. It’s like they wrote 4/5th of an awesome action movie and then just put all the characters names in a hat and picked one at random to see who would be the villain. And then after that they just sort of hit themselves with a hammer multiple times until they came up with some excuse for that particular person to have wanted to murder people on a plane. It’s a shame really cause the rest of the movie is good… in its own way.

In conclusion:

You probably already know whether you will like this movie or not. It’s Liam Neeson if you have liked any Liam Neeson movie since he stopped being all “touchy feely” and “in star wars” and stuff, you will like this one. It’s a solid action movie built on a good premise that moves along pretty well. It stumbles at the end and the villain isn’t up to the task but on the whole it’s a great ride (on a plane) that gets you exactly where you expect to go!

I give it a 3 out of 5.

When I watched trailers for The Grey, I thought I was all set-up for just another awesome Liam Neeson action movie. I mean Taken (though awesome) wasn’t exactly a deep theater experience. There were people, Liam Neeson was angry at them, good movie. Now, I wouldn’t by any means call Taken a “dumb action movie” but neither would I call it “something that transcended the action genre and rose to heights never before seen by mortal squirrel.” The Grey? Well let me have my personal pet squirrel of immortality Hot Waxerly tell you all about it…

Yeah he can’t type… or be real. Anyway though here’s my mostly squirrel free review of The Grey.

Micah Reviews: The Grey

If you haven’t seen the movie, you will not understand the emotional, cascading river that this picture sets loose in my soul…

We’re introduced to our hero John Ottway on what is obviously not his best day. First off he’s writing a note to his former wife (no longer in the picture) and secondly (and potentially much worse) he lives in Alaska. A frozen wasteland of hairy men, hairyer women, and hairy, man eating, carnivorous wolves the size of tiny ponies. (My apologies to residents of Alaska… assuming you have the internet there…)

Anyway, Ottway (because people in this movie go almost exclusively by their last name) gets on a plane bound for Anywhere-that’s-not-Alaska, USA when low and behold the plane beholds itself going low and crashes into the snow. (cause what else is there to crash into?) Ottway survives, and he (along with seven other survivors) must begin the long trek to wherever there might be people. This is difficult because A) They have no idea where exactly they are. And B) the place they do know they are (the Alaskan wilderness) is roughly the size of Australia (according to some semi-reliable sources that I probably made up).

“So the good news is we survived the crash. The bad new is we are still residents of Alaska… also wolves.

Also, (because being lost without food, hope, or Justin Bieber wasn’t bad enough) Alaska is home to ravenous and unforgiving Sarah Palin’s who are interested in nothing but… Oh wait I mean wolves. Sorry! Wolves. Lots of wolves. Wolves who have recently developed a distinct desire to eat Ottway and his band of merry steaks. So they do. A lot.

Ottway must try and get the survivors he’s taken charge of out of the wilderness and away from the rampaging wolf pack chasing them so they can get food, water, and (most importantly) to a place that’s not Alaska (or at the very least a place that’s slightly less Alaska).

“All right, so just so we’re all clear I’m going to eat you, you, and you…. also woof”

The Positives:

I realize that just by reading the description above The Grey still sounds like a fairly standard action/survival movie. But it’s in the characters (especially Liam Neeson’s Ottway) that the movie starts to take on a new (and far deeper) dimension. A ton of credit for this goes to the Director and the script and multiple times throughout the movie there are some excellent moments where you’ll just be blown away by some revelation or dialogue moment.

Liam Neeson is absolutely stellar as Ottway!! Not just in his portrayal of the tough outdoors man (something we’ve seen him do before) but in the subtle nuances of the character. Neeson oh so stealthily reveals different parts of the character to the audience and while the acting is certainly subdued so is the character he’s playing. It’s a wonderful, very low key look at an incredible, deep, quite character. This is honestly one of the things Neeson does better then anyone else around: he plays subtlety so well and so brilliantly that it’s easy to miss what he’s doing entirely until you get to the end of the movie and suddenly realize how connected you are to the character.

Oh Liam Neeson. How do you kick so much butt?

The movie is paced absolutely brilliantly. It starts off pretty slow (which is a good thing for a movie like this) but as soon as the wolves show up things go nuts (also a good thing). The movie really never lets up from there on out forcing you to race through the emotional journey just as fast as the movie characters have to move through their physical journey.

Finally the wolves are handled incredibly well. Never reaching the point where they feel too ominous or not ominous enough. The wolves are a constant threat in the back of your mind and more often then not just when you hope they won’t show up, they do. In a big bad way.

The Negatrons:

The Grey is a tough movie. As such it definitely earns its R rating with a lot of language and some vicious violence. I’m not saying this is a terrible thing but it is something that might take away from your enjoyment and certainly eliminates the chance of you watching it with little Bobby Tipkins. But the Grey doesn’t really ever pretend to be a movie that’s anything less then what it is. Hard men in a hard situation, the men act exactly like hard men in a hard situation would act.

In Conclusion:

The Grey is much much more then a survival/action movie. It’s a movie about why we survive, and why we fight, and even why we don’t. It’s an emotional roller coaster ride with some HUGE payoffs and gut punches that will leave you reeling. Let me stress again though that the movie is rated R. Lots of language and wolf related violence ensues. If you can can stomach said language and violence I definitely recommend the movie as it’s certainly a theatrical experience you won’t find anywhere else.

Liam Neeson leads a great cast in a carefully told story that gives you a LOT more to think about then how cool Liam Neeson is or how close an eye you should be keeping on your pet dog.

I give it 4 ravenous Alaskans out of 5.

A completely random note:

GI Joe: Retaliation, a movie that was set to come out June 29th of this year, (ya know like a month from now) has been delayed until March 29th, 2013 (ya know like… 10 months from now). Why, you may ask. Because the studio wants it to be done in 3D. Really??? Really studio execs? Your going to delay your movie 9 months so that it can get a post-filming face lift (which, consequently, rarely works) so you can make 5 dollars more off of every ticket? What. The. Monkey. I miss the days when a movie was released because it was a GOOD MOVIE! Not because it was IN 3D!! Do you really have so little faith in your movie that you think you need 5 more dollars from each ticket for you to get your investment back?

“Yeah I liked it but ya know what I thought this movie needed? Uncomfortable glasses and random gimmicky effects!.. Yeah I totally think it’s worth a nine month delay…”

I’m not a huge fan of 3D in movies (well documented fact). I think it pulls us out of movies more then it pushes us into them. Your constantly aware of the fact that you’re wearing stupid glasses and staring at a screen and (in most movies) once every ten minutes or so something will happen and you’ll go “Wow… that was a cool effect.” I’d rather enjoy a movie cause it’s a good movie then because once every ten minutes the movie manages to throw something at my uncomfortably bespectacled face. Maybe someday a movie will come out that changes that opinion (maybe it will be The Hobbit) but a movie like this that’s all set to come out and make money or not make money depending on whether or not it’s a good movie, that suddenly decides “Oh wait I’d like to occasionally be able to make the audience go ‘ooooo'” is just a major letdown for me.

So, so long GI Joe maybe I’ll see you next March… but I kinda doubt it.

This wolf is angry at you GI: Joe. Very. Angry.