Internet!! I’m not even writing more then one sentence before I show you this, this will change your life, this will make everything you have ever thought was the sweet sweetness seem like a two bit trick performed by a narcoleptic weasel; this is probably the best thing that has happened to the internet since we finally went back to ignoring Miley Cyrus; and this was absolutely more then one sentence!! That said watch this.
Yup. Avengers: Age of Ultron. I have no words. Actually I have LOTS of words. Too many words. So many words that the only real thing I can say is that this trailer makes me so phenomenally excited for this movie that any brief hesitation I had about it struggling to live up to the last Avengers whisked away in the breeze. I mean seriously: Ultron looks amazing. Hulk vs. Roid-Rage-Ironman, Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver 2.0 “No he totally wasn’t just in a movie,” Captain America’s shield getting broken, more chances for Thor to take off his shirt for no reason, Hawkeye in a miniskirt, and Ultron looks AMAZING. Hang on… I’m gonna go breath into a paper bag.
Okay… let’s just… let’s just talk about some other trailers.
So… this is Harry Potter right? Harry Potter: magic button edition? Did I miss JK Rowlings 8th Harry Potter Book? I mean, I’m not saying this will be a bad movie (though everyone seems SUPER excited about it for reasons I’m sketchy on) but…. how is this not Harry Potter with technology instead of Magic? Also we all know that that’s the girl from Under the Dome who couldn’t act, right? Cause it is.
The Woman in Black 2: Angel of Death
Warning: Scary movie trailer. Have a change of pants nearby.
Children escaping into the country during World War 2… moved to a creepy house where they have a run in with the supernatural… So… this is basically SUPER EVIL Narnia… right? Replace the child like whimsy and wonder with horror horrifying horrible death and you’ve basically got Woman in Black!!… yay??? Seriously though, Woman in Black was a slightly above average horror movie but as soon as you put a “2” after any horror movie I’m checking out. Sorry. Not intersted.
The Hunger Games: Mockingjay part 1
So a full trailer for this finally dropped and my one big takeaway is that Gail is for some reason learning how to fire a crossbow? You realize there are guns right Gail? I can understand Katniss using a bow because she already knows how from the Hunger Games (guns not allowed) and because she is apparently just a PTSD riddled corpse of her former self (and her former self wasn’t exactly the life of the party.) But if your learning how to use a weapon in preparation for a battle against an army of guys with guns why do you choose a crossbow??? And no I don’t care that the bolts are explosive or whatever, unless the bolts are their own minnie nukes that turn your enemies into delicious deep dish pizza: you’re choosing a gun!! Come on Gail! Your name is already Gail! Don’t give me more reasons to make fun of you.
In the Heart of the Sea
Wow… Have I not heard more about this movie?? I mean it doesn’t have Ultron in it but it DOES have Thor in it AND Moby Dick… this looks freakin’ awesome. You don’t see a lot of great “dudes on a ship” movie anymore. I mean what was the last really good sailing movie?? Master and Commander? And even that was SUPER long and spent an inordinate amount of time “collecting samples” for “no reason.” This seems to be basically just dudes on a boat and a huge death whale. Man why didn’t they just call it that?? “Dudes on a Boat and a Huge Death Whale” would a great title!! That said: I’m watchin’ this.
On the one hand: It’s Johnny Depp. What you gonna do? This looks hilarious. I mean you feel a little like this is Frank Sinatra showing up to sing at a High School talent show but hey, just because someone is over-talented for a movie doesn’t mean it will be a bad movie. I VERY rarely go in for straight comedies but I could definitely see myself checking this out in a theater near me.
Kingsman: Secret Service
And speaking of people who are probably over qualified for things how about Collin Firth taking a run at comic book movies with Kingsman: Secret Service?? Personally I’ve been excited about this since they announced this bad boy and I haven’t really seen anything to change my mind. Firth looks great, the story looks cool and interesting, and Sam Jackson with a lisp might be the best idea anyone has ever had. I doubt it’s a movie that will change the way I view cinema or be up there on an emotional level with “Dude on a Boat and a Huge Death Whale” but for a nice night at the theater this should more then do the trick!!
And there you go guys!! Thanks for reading, see you next week and I’m going to watch the Avengers trailer again… three of four times… at least…