Posts Tagged ‘Summer movie questions’

Well hey guys, I know, I know. I missed a day last week. I’m sorry. I apologize. Don’t make a big thing out of it okay? Some times I just need my freedom, just need to spread my wings and fly like an eagle… into the future.

Or something.

Anyway, now that I’ve reviewed Avengers: Age of the Best Thing Ever, let’s go ahead and wrap up our summer questions series with another gentle tip-toe through some movie tulips!!

Question 1: Will you watch Magic Mike XXL?

Ummm… no. But I feel like that’s just cause I’m the exact opposite of the target audience for this movie. I mean I’m not super against it, I don’t think it or its predecessor are bad movies, I don’t think they’re awesome movies. They are movies that are not made for me though, and that’s fine. Whatever. I am mostly indifferent about such things, let Channing Tatum and his one astonishingly unexpressive facial expression whisk you away to a magical pelvic thrusting land. I’ll be here… probably watching the Avengers again.

Question 2: What’s the deal with Pixels?

Oh Pixels… I love the idea for this movie. It’s weird and off beat and an awesome idea for a weird sort of off beat action movie/comedy. Basically aliens have invaded earth ‘disguised’ as 80’s video game characters. It’s a great idea. That said, there are two huge (not a fat joke… mostly) elephants in the room: Adam Sandler and Kevin James are in this. I’m not saying having those two automatically make this a bad movie but… doesn’t it kind of??? I mean at some point we’ve got to just stop expecting these people to be in good movies right? If this movie starred literally anyone else I would be legitimately excited, if it had a legitimate action star paired up with a legitimate comic actor I would be even more excited. But it doesn’t have those things. And I am not excited. Forgive me Pacman.

Question 3: What’s up with Tom Cruise? Can Mission Impssible: Rogue Nation keep his streak alive?

Tom Cruise is (as weird as this is to type) on a roll movie wise. Edge of Tomorrow was great, the last mission impossible was fantastic, even Jack Reacher was better then most people think. I don’t know of any reason not to think Mission Impossible will be great. The trailer looks good, the cast works well together, and the store seems like a decent idea. Those are pretty much all the pieces you need to make a good action movie. Remember when life was simpler and we could all just make fund of Tom Cruise and his weird hair and space based religion??? I miss those days.

STRICTLY EMBARGOED: 8:00am PST March 22, 2015 Rebecca Ferguson and Tom Cruise in a scene from the motion picture "Mission Impossible 5." Credit: Chiabella James, Paramount Pictures [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

Weirdest piggy back ride ever…

Question 4: Can The Man from UNCLE live up to it’s awesome trailer?

Potentially yeah. I like the cast here, and the sense of humor seems to be spot on, so as long as the story is passable I think this could be a fun old school spy movie. Nice to see someone take the genre back to it’s smarmy roots in the same year that Rogue Nation and the new James Bond movie continue to make the genre darker and grittier and less shirt wearingyer. It would be really cool just to see an old school fun, slightly over the top spy movie and this looks like it may fit the bill!

So suave... so smooth. Like chocolate milk wearing a bow tie.

So suave… so smooth. Like chocolate milk wearing a bow tie.

Question 5: Why is Meryl Streep dressed like a punk rocker?? Is the world ending?

Wait... what's happening?

Wait… what’s happening?

Probably. From what I can tell the movie is about Streep as a failed rock and roll artist returning home to see her daughter and x-husband. Not exactly the greatest movie premise ever but hey, Meryl Streep, punk rocker, I’m in for that action. No premise required.

Well there you go guys!! Our Summer questions!! I did leave Ant-man and Fantastic Four off of year as I feel I’ve talked about them a lot in the last few weeks! Check back next week as I field some more letters from made up famous people.

Well hello Internet, and welcome to yet another fantastical year of fantastical summer questions as I stare off into the future, wearing fancy bejeweled shades, and tell you what I think will happen this summer. It’s a tradition as old as this website, and this year we shall stick to it with dignity and grace.

Well dignity anyway.

Let’s just say we’ll stick to it and hope for the best.

Question 1: Can Avengers: Age of Ultron possibly live up to the expectations?

Meh, probably not. I think it will be a really good movie, maybe the best movie of the year, but the Avengers was one of the top three comic book movies ever. I’m not saying Age of Ultron can’t get there I’m just saying people are expecting this movie to be BETTER than one of the top three comic book movies ever and that’s expecting a lot. Avengers didn’t help itself by releasing one of the best trailers I have ever seen for a movie wherein Ultron hauntingly recites Pinnochio lyrics. I can’t stress enough how excited I am for Age of Ultron, and I feel like this paragraph will make it sound like I’m not. I am. A lot. But this movie falls into the Dark Knight Rises category of following up a monumentally awesome movie and having people expect it to get to that level.

It’s like if you went to a restaurant and the chef served you the best meal you had ever eaten. Wonder-steak cooked from magical space cows, with a side of corn grown on the majestic fields of the sun and tended by beautiful Sun-women. And on top of that you hadn’t eaten for a whole day AND happened to have a severe corn deficiency. That’s the Avengers. Now if you went back to that restaurant two years later after spending the entire two years thinking of how great that meal had been wouldn’t those space cows taste just a little bit worse then you remembered? Wouldn’t that sun-corn be a little less sun corny?? It’s the nature of man. We want the same experience we’ve had before and we want it to be better than the first time, but we’ve already had a first time.

All that (and that was a LOT of that) to say that I think Avengers: Age of Ultron will be fantastic. But to live up to the hype the movie will not only have to be Fantastic but also pay me a living wage for the next two years. And that seems unlikely.

Question 2: Could Hot Pursuit possibly be the worst movie of the year?

Ha ha. No. Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 is. That award has been given. That train has left the station filled with on fire manure and it crashed into your house while you were out feeding orphans. That movie has a 2 percent rotten tomato rating. 2 percent folks.  That said: Hot Pursuit will not be a good movie. It’s a forced “road trip” comedy featuring two actresses who aren’t that funny and a premise that is worn and tired and has been done before.

I'm not saying this movie will be bad, I'm just saying that looking at this poster makes me want to stand up and walk out of a theater.

I’m not saying this movie will be bad, I’m just saying that looking at this poster makes me want to stand up and walk out of a theater.

Question 3: Will Spy finally be the Melissa McCarthy movie we’ve been waiting for?

I certainly hope so. I’m a huge fan of the idea of Melissa McCarthy finally being in a movie that does her justice. I somehow apparently was looking away from the screen for ALL of the funny parts in Bridesmaids (a movie I really wanted to like) and since then other than The Heat which pretty much painted by the numbers all the way things have been fairly “blah” for McCarthy. But hey, Spy could be funny.  It’s got a strong cast, an interesting (if been done before) premise. We’ll just have to see, I hope so but the way comedies are going lately… it seems unlikely.

I look forward to the inevitable revelation that Law and/or Statham are working for the enemy.

I look forward to the inevitable revelation that Law and/or Statham are working for the enemy.

Question 4: What will Jurassic World end up looking like?

Who knows. I talked about this a lot in my trailer reviews the other day but this movie has thus far done little to reassure me that it will be great, while also not doing anything to make me think it will be terrible. In the end it’ll probably land somewhere in the middle. Chris Pratt is about as likeable an actor as you can get these days but the script and the overall lack of originality in the premise “Science has made something they can’t control and it’s evil and deadly and will steal your pudding!!” So it’ll probably end up either being slightly above average or slightly below average and everyone will move on with their lives and wait until someone remembers something else about our childhood that Hollywood can ruin.

Question 5: Is there any way Inside Out isn’t an adorably wonderful childhood experience?

Nope. If there are two things I know about this summer it’s that Avengers 2 will be great and that Inside Out will be adorable and sweet and all those things I hate. I mean, it’s Pixar. And Disney. I don’t know that if they sat down and physically tried to make a bad cartoon if they could. So unless Michael Bay starts directing these things, I’d more or less just plan on these things being awesome for a while.

You mine as well just give them your money and souls now folks. It'll save time for later.

You mine as well just give them your money and souls now folks. It’ll save time for later.

And there you go guys, part 1 of our annual summer questions blogs! Many happy returns my friends, see you next week.

Internet!! Welcome back to the wonderful world of Summer Questions!! A time to look at our future, ponder where the road ahead will lead us, and then for me to make some weird jokes about it before leaving it alone entirely. Ready. Set. Go.

Question Number 1: What on Earth is “Edge of Tomorrow” actually about?

Edge of Tomorrow is a Tom Cruise movie in which Tom Cruise dies a lot (promising news) and then gets brought back to life the next day and dies again (the party never stops.) It seems that humanity is at war with some sort of time-jumpy aliens or robots or… evil chickens… potentially. And some of that evil chicken time jumping juice got on Tom Cruise and now we’re here. This is the stuff that I know, and as you may have gathered it is not a lot of stuff. The thing is as much as I dislike Tom Cruise (I really do) he’s kind of on a roll right now. I mean: Oblivion, Jack Reacher, Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol these were all kind of awesome. So who am I to condemn old Tiny Tom just for being in a movie with a plot that sounds like the most confusing thing since he was singing things in Rock of Ages? This movie could be good!! Chickens could be from the future!! I have no idea what’s going on.

Wait, what chickens??

Wait, what chickens??

Question Number 2: Can “How to Train Your Dragon 2” top the original?

Probably not. It’s been like… seven years since the first How to Train Your Dragon movie and at this point do we really care what’s going on with the Dragon and the little one legged Viking?… Okay well when you put it that way I care a little bit. Curse you adorable one legged viking…

Question Number 3: On a scale of one to stupid how bad will “Transformers: Age of Extinction” be?

Really stupid. I believed for a long time in Transformers cause the first one was so surprisingly good. Even when the second one was terrible and horrible and awful I still thought maybe the third one would be better… and then it was worse… So now Michael Bay has decided to solve the problems from his last movie (those problems being: THE WHOLE FILM) by adding in a whole new cast of horrible characters and Robo Dinosaurs. That’s right, the solution to Bay’s problems of having a world so hilariously unbelievable a small group of soldiers survived the collapse of building while IN THE BUILDING!!! Was to add in robo-dinosaurs.

Question Number 4: How many monkeys does it take to make “Dawn of Planet of the Apes?”

I have no idea what happened to this question. I was writing along and all the sudden everything rhymed and the question didn’t really make a lot of sense. Anyway, the answer to the question is (of course) zero. Zero monkeys. It does however take an awesome performance by Andy Serkis and a potentially awesome performance by Gary Oldman. I was very pleasantly surprised by the first Apes movie and hey I’m always up for a pleasant surprise! Like cookies at midnight, pancakes at first light, and dancing in the moonlight.

"They call me... Mr. Ape."

“They call me… Mr. Ape.”

Question Number 5: Will “Jupiter Ascending” be weird and awesome or just entirely weird?

Jupiter Ascending is the latest movies from the Wachowskis (or however you spell that name) the people behind the original Matrix (great movie) and both the other Matrix’s (mostly terrible movies) also V for Vendetta (yay) and Atlas Rising (boo) all of these movies were very strange. Some were awesome. Some were horrible. All were weird. So the fact that Jupiter Ascending is about some sort of exiled princess being protected by an interstellar space soldier with rocket boots and a light-shield shouldn’t really come as any surprise. It’s gonna be weird and it’s gonna star Channing Tatum whose gravelly brick like face should (and will) remind us all of Keanu Reeves what with its complete lack of expression and all. We’ll just have to see what happens with this one, it could be great it could be terrible. At the moment I am leaning towards it being good but it really could go either way.

Also: elf Channing Tatum.

Also: elf Channing Tatum.

Question Number 6: Can Dwayne Johnson’s “Hercules” be better than “The Legend of Hercules?”

Let’s be clear on one thing: it is practically impossible that this movie is worse than Legend of Hercules. It’s not to say that this particular Hercules will be good, It’s just to say that the last one was really really bad. Wondering if this Hercules will be better than the last one is like wondering if a peanut butter and jelly sandwhich is going to be a better lunch option than the jar of radioactive dirt you had yesterday. If we’ve learned anything about Dwayne the Rock (please don’t call me the Rock) Johnson it’s that he can be relied on to give us a moderately generic somewhat enjoyable action movie. And even by meeting those hilariously un-lofty standards he will kick the butt of all the other Herculi (which I’m pretty sure is the plural of Hercules.)

So there you go guys! More questions, more answers, and more masculine! I’ve still got enough questions for one more of these bad boys so tune on back in next week and we’ll knock those out! Thanks for reading!!

Well hey internet, and welcome to another party. Another week, and another batch of summer questions (our THIRD such batch)!! Why does this thing seem to happen earlier every year? I mean summer these days generally doesn’t start until the first big summer superhero movie but this year that happened in like the middle of spring! So what’s a blogger to do but give into the inevitable sweeping swiffer picker upper of time and start asking himself deep questions, thoughtful questions, questiony questions…

Summer Questions: Part 1

Question Number 1: What’s going on with the Amazing Spiderman 2?

Nobody knows. At all. Most people who have reviewed this movie (only those who have seen the WAY advanced screening which is to say Film snobs and Comic book snobs) have liked it. But that’s like getting your review of a local grass field from a cow and a sheep who live in that field. A lot of people are worried about all the villains here but really we’re mostly just looking at Electro (as played by Jamie Foxx… for some reason) and the Green Goblin (as played by someone who looks shockingly like a 14 year old girl.) Still though it seems like the Green Goblin will look decent in the movie (once he transforms from said girl) which is a far cry from the weird Halloween costume that he wore in the last movie he was in. Suffice to say: I actually think this will probably be a good movie. Andrew Garfield and Emmy Stone made the first Amazing Spiderman great, and they are both still in this movie so I’m at least willing to see what happens.

Question Number 2: What’s going on with Legend of Oz: Dorothy’s Return?

Seriously: nobody knows.

Like what's going on here? Why is there a giant owl?? What happened to the Good Witch's waist?? I'm so confused. And hungry.

Like what’s going on here? Why is there a giant owl?? What happened to the Good Witch’s waist?? I’m so confused. And hungry.

And nobody cares.

Question Number 3: How mediocre will Godzilla be?

I don’t think anyone actually thinks Godzilla is gonna be a good movie. The question we find ourselves pondering then as we reflect on various lizards of mass destruction is whether Godzilla will be “fun mediocre” or just regular mediocre. I don’t really think it will be bad… necessarily. But it won’t be good. The only question is whether or not you’ll watch it and go “Huh… well that was fun.” Or just “Huh…”

Question Number 4: Will X:men Days of Future Past be awesome or aw-terrible… umm… aw-suck??? Man this sentence worked better in my head… I should have just left it there huh?

In direct contrast to Godzilla, X-men will either be 100 percent awesome or 100 percent terrible. To use an illustration that I have no actual experience to back up, Godzilla is like doing a square-dance. Once you know the steps it’s fairly simple. Right foot, left foot, shake it all about. And so on. As long as you’re paying attention and not trying to dance with a chicken (or in this case a giant lizard) you’re at least going to do all right. X-men on the other hand, is like trying to dance the foxtrot with an actual fox while being lit on fire by a trotting elephant. If you can pull it off it might be the best thing ever in the world, but if not then you will be burned, stepped on, and licked by a fox… or make a bad movie… for Fox.

If it's any consolation this actual fox also has no idea what's going on.

If it’s any consolation this actual fox also has no idea what I’m talking about.

This whole paragraph was mostly just to say that X-men will either be awesome and great or horrible and terrible… and on fire.

Question Number 5: Is Maleficent the next Wicked?

It certainly wants to be (weird musical numbers aside) but can Maleficent really be as sympathetic a character as the Wicked Witch of the West somehow ended up being? It’s really not super likely. But I think it at least stands a chance of being a decent movie if it can avoid trying to make some big statement about “”how men clip the wings of women” and just focus on being a movie. I’m not saying a movie can’t say something about “how men clip the wings of women” but maybe just focus on making the movie work first huh?

Metaphor!!!!

But… Metaphor???

So there are five questions for the summer, if you’d like five more questions… or some other arbitrary number of questions that I will determine later, then come on back on Thursday!! And if not then umm… come back Thursday anyway.