Summer Questions 2015: Part 1

Posted: April 23, 2015 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

Well hello Internet, and welcome to yet another fantastical year of fantastical summer questions as I stare off into the future, wearing fancy bejeweled shades, and tell you what I think will happen this summer. It’s a tradition as old as this website, and this year we shall stick to it with dignity and grace.

Well dignity anyway.

Let’s just say we’ll stick to it and hope for the best.

Question 1: Can Avengers: Age of Ultron possibly live up to the expectations?

Meh, probably not. I think it will be a really good movie, maybe the best movie of the year, but the Avengers was one of the top three comic book movies ever. I’m not saying Age of Ultron can’t get there I’m just saying people are expecting this movie to be BETTER than one of the top three comic book movies ever and that’s expecting a lot. Avengers didn’t help itself by releasing one of the best trailers I have ever seen for a movie wherein Ultron hauntingly recites Pinnochio lyrics. I can’t stress enough how excited I am for Age of Ultron, and I feel like this paragraph will make it sound like I’m not. I am. A lot. But this movie falls into the Dark Knight Rises category of following up a monumentally awesome movie and having people expect it to get to that level.

It’s like if you went to a restaurant and the chef served you the best meal you had ever eaten. Wonder-steak cooked from magical space cows, with a side of corn grown on the majestic fields of the sun and tended by beautiful Sun-women. And on top of that you hadn’t eaten for a whole day AND happened to have a severe corn deficiency. That’s the Avengers. Now if you went back to that restaurant two years later after spending the entire two years thinking of how great that meal had been wouldn’t those space cows taste just a little bit worse then you remembered? Wouldn’t that sun-corn be a little less sun corny?? It’s the nature of man. We want the same experience we’ve had before and we want it to be better than the first time, but we’ve already had a first time.

All that (and that was a LOT of that) to say that I think Avengers: Age of Ultron will be fantastic. But to live up to the hype the movie will not only have to be Fantastic but also pay me a living wage for the next two years. And that seems unlikely.

Question 2: Could Hot Pursuit possibly be the worst movie of the year?

Ha ha. No. Paul Blart Mall Cop 2 is. That award has been given. That train has left the station filled with on fire manure and it crashed into your house while you were out feeding orphans. That movie has a 2 percent rotten tomato rating. 2 percent folks.  That said: Hot Pursuit will not be a good movie. It’s a forced “road trip” comedy featuring two actresses who aren’t that funny and a premise that is worn and tired and has been done before.

I'm not saying this movie will be bad, I'm just saying that looking at this poster makes me want to stand up and walk out of a theater.

I’m not saying this movie will be bad, I’m just saying that looking at this poster makes me want to stand up and walk out of a theater.

Question 3: Will Spy finally be the Melissa McCarthy movie we’ve been waiting for?

I certainly hope so. I’m a huge fan of the idea of Melissa McCarthy finally being in a movie that does her justice. I somehow apparently was looking away from the screen for ALL of the funny parts in Bridesmaids (a movie I really wanted to like) and since then other than The Heat which pretty much painted by the numbers all the way things have been fairly “blah” for McCarthy. But hey, Spy could be funny.  It’s got a strong cast, an interesting (if been done before) premise. We’ll just have to see, I hope so but the way comedies are going lately… it seems unlikely.

I look forward to the inevitable revelation that Law and/or Statham are working for the enemy.

I look forward to the inevitable revelation that Law and/or Statham are working for the enemy.

Question 4: What will Jurassic World end up looking like?

Who knows. I talked about this a lot in my trailer reviews the other day but this movie has thus far done little to reassure me that it will be great, while also not doing anything to make me think it will be terrible. In the end it’ll probably land somewhere in the middle. Chris Pratt is about as likeable an actor as you can get these days but the script and the overall lack of originality in the premise “Science has made something they can’t control and it’s evil and deadly and will steal your pudding!!” So it’ll probably end up either being slightly above average or slightly below average and everyone will move on with their lives and wait until someone remembers something else about our childhood that Hollywood can ruin.

Question 5: Is there any way Inside Out isn’t an adorably wonderful childhood experience?

Nope. If there are two things I know about this summer it’s that Avengers 2 will be great and that Inside Out will be adorable and sweet and all those things I hate. I mean, it’s Pixar. And Disney. I don’t know that if they sat down and physically tried to make a bad cartoon if they could. So unless Michael Bay starts directing these things, I’d more or less just plan on these things being awesome for a while.

You mine as well just give them your money and souls now folks. It'll save time for later.

You mine as well just give them your money and souls now folks. It’ll save time for later.

And there you go guys, part 1 of our annual summer questions blogs! Many happy returns my friends, see you next week.

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