Well hey internet! As we head towards these last fleeting days of summer I find myself asking questions about where I have been. Pondering who I am; asking myself “Why did it rain EVERY DAY this summer? Whose idea was that? Did someone put Noah in charge of this summers forecast?” And of course (as I am wont to do) I found myself looking back over my cinematography shoulder at movies gone by. Sounds like it’s time for:
Micah’s Third Annual Summer Movie Awards: An Award show with no significance, no awards, and very few actual movies!
Let’s get started!
Most Gwenyth Paltrow
Iron Man 3. Stand up Iron Man, accept your round of applause, and this statue made entirely of pepper and pots. You took a great character and a cool ending and you decided to put more Gwenyth Paltrow in. This is like having a Delicious glazed donut and plugging the whole with a pickle. I have nothing imparticular against pickles it’s just… they shouldn’t be the focus of a donut. Similarly, I have nothing against Gwenyth Paltrow but she is not the one I paid to watch, I paid to watch Iron Man, and you hid him from me.
Most “Old boy” in any movie ever.
The Great Gatsby. Did they really say “old” that much in the 20’s? Like every third word in this movie was “old boy” “old fellow” “old man” “old spice” everything in hear was old. The Great Gatsby was a big pile of interesting costumes and parties, topped with a heaping helping of pretentiousness; but it seemed like we forgot the little things like plot, characters, and making people give a care. The whole movie I kept waiting for the Planter’s Peanut to walk in with his top hat and monocle and start trying to sell me his “old mixture of salt and deliciousnouss.”
Most Ironically Named Movie
Epic. A movie that was a lot of things… except epic. It wasn’t epically bad, nor was it epically good. Epic just sort of existed. Which is Ironic.
Least Cares Given
After Earth. After spending months hesitantly watching After Earth slowly look worse and worse After Earth ended up being really bad. To the surprise of no one.
Movie With the Wierdest Ending
Now You See Me. I really liked this movie. A lot. It was fun and surprising and well-paced but the ending was just a little… strange. You’ll not this isn’t the award for “worst ending” that’s coming later. This is just the award for the ending that I kind of saw coming but didn’t necessarily want to end the way it did. Still a good movie but the ending kind of left you going… “huh.” Like if you went to a delicious Chinese restaurant that instead of giving you fortune cookies they passed out after dinner mints. It’s not bad just… “huh.”
Wait– there’s an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!
Best Plot Holes Man of Steel. Let the record show I didn’t not like Man of Steel. Nor is it winning the award for “most” plot holes (there isn’t one as I try to avoid such movies.) But Man of Steel definitely wins “Best Plot Holes” as it’s practically a party game at this point. “So what was your favorite Man of Steel Plot hole?” “Well I just don’t understand why Superman didn’t ask his Space-Daddy who Zod was as soon as he turned up. I mean he spent days walking around going “Man if only I had some guidance or something,” meanwhile Russell Crowe is just sort of hanging out with this repository full of Alien knowledge.” Once again it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, just the one with the most fun plot holes!
Movie that most turned out to be really stupid.
RIPD. A movie I was originally excited about but when a movie comes out and every reviewer who sees it comes out of the theater clutching what’s left of their IQ to their chests you usually just leave it alone.
Worst Ending
A surprisingly stacked category in a summer where a couple different movies kind of ran out of steam towards the climax. Fortunately for us, there’s the Lone Ranger. A movie whose ending hit the trifecta of not making sense, not really fitting with the rest of the movies feel, and being really unnecessarily confusing. The Wolverine gave it a run for its money but in the end the Lone Ranger rides again.
Worst Relationship Choice:
The Wolverine. Shoulda dated the hot, useful, actual-mutant powered, red headed girl, Wolverine. I’m a little ashamed of you.
Most Unnecessary Movie:
Grown Ups 2. Why America? Why? It’s a tribute to this movies horribleness that the Smurfs 2 wasn’t even considered to be in serious contention for this award.
Movie that most made me want to watch another movie:
Monster University. Sure Monster University was a good movie, it just wasn’t as good as that other Monster movie so it mostly just made me want to go watch that.
Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate what you hadbefore it.
And finally the one serious award I give out every year:
Movie of the Summer:
Star Trek: Into Darkness. In a summer where most movies we’re slightly below what I was hoping they would be Star Trek: Into Darkness ended up going above and beyond my expectations (and I had HIGH expectations)! It was a great movie for Trekkies, Trekkers, and checkers the world over and if you didn’t get a chance to see it you really missed out! (check out the full review here)
Anyway, thanks for reading everyone and thanks for following along on yet another summer here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. You all are the greatest!
Thoughts We Might Have Had 