Posts Tagged ‘Grown Ups 2’

Well hey internet! As we head towards these last fleeting days of summer I find myself asking questions about where I have been. Pondering who I am; asking myself “Why did it rain EVERY DAY this summer? Whose idea was that? Did someone put Noah in charge of this summers forecast?” And of course (as I am wont to do) I found myself looking back over my cinematography shoulder at movies gone by. Sounds like it’s time for:

Micah’s Third Annual Summer Movie Awards: An Award show with no significance, no awards, and very few actual movies!

Let’s get started!  

Most Gwenyth Paltrow

Iron Man 3. Stand up Iron Man, accept your round of applause, and this statue made entirely of pepper and pots. You took a great character and a cool ending and you decided to put more Gwenyth Paltrow in. This is like having a Delicious glazed donut and plugging the whole with a pickle. I have nothing imparticular against pickles it’s just… they shouldn’t be the focus of a donut. Similarly, I have nothing against Gwenyth Paltrow but she is not the one I paid to watch, I paid to watch Iron Man, and you hid him from me.

Most “Old boy” in any movie ever.

The Great Gatsby. Did they really say “old” that much in the 20’s? Like every third word in this movie was “old boy” “old fellow” “old man” “old spice” everything in hear was old. The Great Gatsby was a big pile of interesting costumes and parties, topped with a heaping helping of pretentiousness; but it seemed like we forgot the little things like plot, characters, and making people give a care. The whole movie I kept waiting for the Planter’s Peanut to walk in with his top hat and monocle and start trying to sell me his “old mixture of salt and deliciousnouss.”

Most Ironically Named Movie

Epic. A movie that was a lot of things… except epic. It wasn’t epically bad, nor was it epically good. Epic just sort of existed. Which is Ironic.

Least Cares Given

After Earth. After spending months hesitantly watching After Earth slowly look worse and worse After Earth ended up being really bad. To the surprise of no one.

Movie With the Wierdest Ending

Now You See Me. I really liked this movie. A lot. It was fun and surprising and well-paced but the ending was just a little… strange. You’ll not this isn’t the award for “worst ending” that’s coming later. This is just the award for the ending that I kind of saw coming but didn’t necessarily want to end the way it did. Still a good movie but the ending kind of left you going… “huh.” Like if you went to a delicious Chinese restaurant that instead of giving you fortune cookies they passed out after dinner mints. It’s not bad just… “huh.”

Wait-- it's an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!

Wait– there’s an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!

Best Plot Holes Man of Steel. Let the record show I didn’t not like Man of Steel. Nor is it winning the award for “most” plot holes (there isn’t one as I try to avoid such movies.) But Man of Steel definitely wins “Best Plot Holes” as it’s practically a party game at this point. “So what was your favorite Man of Steel Plot hole?” “Well I just don’t understand why Superman didn’t ask his Space-Daddy who Zod was as soon as he turned up. I mean he spent days walking around going “Man if only I had some guidance or something,” meanwhile Russell Crowe is just sort of hanging out with this repository full of Alien knowledge.” Once again it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, just the one with the most fun plot holes!

Movie that most turned out to be really stupid.

RIPD. A movie I was originally excited about but when a movie comes out and every reviewer who sees it comes out of the theater clutching what’s left of their IQ to their chests you usually just leave it alone.

Worst Ending

A surprisingly stacked category in a summer where a couple different movies kind of ran out of steam towards the climax. Fortunately for us, there’s the Lone Ranger. A movie whose ending hit the trifecta of not making sense, not really fitting with the rest of the movies feel, and being really unnecessarily confusing. The Wolverine gave it a run for its money but in the end the Lone Ranger rides again.  

Worst Relationship Choice:

The Wolverine. Shoulda dated the hot, useful, actual-mutant powered, red headed girl, Wolverine. I’m a little ashamed of you.

Most Unnecessary Movie:

Grown Ups 2. Why America? Why? It’s a tribute to this movies horribleness that the Smurfs 2 wasn’t even considered to be in serious contention for this award.  

Movie that most made me want to watch another movie:

Monster University. Sure Monster University was a good movie, it just wasn’t as good as that other Monster movie so it mostly just made me want to go watch that.

Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate life before it.

Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate what you hadbefore it.

And finally the one serious award I give out every year:

Movie of the Summer:

Star Trek: Into Darkness. In a summer where most movies we’re slightly below what I was hoping they would be Star Trek: Into Darkness ended up going above and beyond my expectations (and I had HIGH expectations)! It was a great movie for Trekkies, Trekkers, and checkers the world over and if you didn’t get a chance to see it you really missed out! (check out the full review here)

Anyway, thanks for reading everyone and thanks for following along on yet another summer here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. You all are the greatest!

Hey Internet, so I was planning on watching Iron Man 3 last night but do to a disastrous clerical error (editor’s note: Don’t be fooled, Micah has no idea what a “clerical error” is; as he will demonstrate… now) stupid clerics. Anyway, in lieu of my Iron Man 3 review, here’s a look at some more summer questions for some more summer movies!!

Question 1: Will Man of Steel (June 14th release) make me look like an idiot for thinking it would be good?

If nothing else we've chased most of the pictures of that other Superman movie off of the internet. So that's a win.

If nothing else we’ve chased most of the pictures of that other Superman movie off of the internet. So that’s a win.

So at this point me and Man of Steel are at that awkward point where you’ve asked a girl out on a date and your standing around wondering if she’s really as cute as you thought when you asked her out. What if you can’t get over that mole? What if her sense of humor was really just her hopped up on Mountain Dew and angst? What if she shows up to the date wearing a hat made out of lettuce or smelling like Old Man’s old spice?

That’s me and Man of Steel. I’m committed, I’m there at the door waiting to buy my ticket and slurp my slurpy, the question only remains how good will the movie actually be? Only June 14th will tell.

Question 2: Will World War Z (June 21st) be just another dumb zombie movie?

Honestly… probably yes. I was really rooting for this movie to distinguish itself from the pack by taking on the darker more realistic tone that the books the movie is based on took. That’s not gonna happen though apparently. Apparently there will just be mountains of zombies and helicopters and brains and all the usual dumb things you see in all of the usual dumb zombie movies. Poor Brad Pitt. I mean there’s a chance that the trailers I’ve watched and the stuff I’ve read is completely and totally wrong but let’s face it: I’m pretty much right all the time… I think.

Question 3: Can the Lone Ranger (July 3rd) actually be a good movie?

Originally I thought this was going to be a train wreck. As in big death train wreck of doom covered in dead puppies and kool aid. Death kool aid. Of deathity doom. Now though… I don’t know. It could be good. It could be Pirates of the Caribbean in dirt. It could be Pirates of the Caribbean except with Tonto instead of Jack Sparrow… which isn’t the best promo for it ever. Anyway I think the action will be interesting and the story line will be good it’s all gonna depend on whether the dialogue can settle into a groove that’s old westy without being (for lack of a better term) boring hick-talk. About hick-ponies.

Question 4: What genius studio executive thought making Grown Ups 2 (July 12th) was a good idea?

Studio Exec A: So… do you remember that movie we made that nobody liked and which didn’t make any money, that starred a bunch of comedians who we had to pay a lot of money?

Studio Exec B: Yes.

Studio Exec A: Well I thought we would get the cast together and film a sequel. With Taylor Lautner.

Studio Exec B: So you’re saying you want to take an idea that was already proven to be terrible, make it worse, and then do it again?

Studio Exec A: Yup!

Studio Exec B: Let’s do it! And then after I want to try putting my leg into that bears mouth just to see if this time he won’t savage me!

Putting Taylor Lautner in this movie is like adding a dash of bird poop to your recipe for "Dead Bush pie."

Putting Taylor Lautner in this movie is like adding a dash of bird poop to your recipe for “Dead toad pie.”

Question Number 5: Will Red 2 (July 19th) be as good as the first one?

Okay, first off if you didn’t see Red one please go watch it now. I’ll wait.

You good? Wasn’t that a great movie? Why didn’t you watch that before? Why haven’t more people watched that? It’s great! I’m ready to go for Red 2! See this is how sequels should be made, when you create a cool world with interesting characters and then decide to make another movie so we can keep watching those characters. I’m in for Red 2. On. Board.

Question 6: Will the Wolverine (July 26th) be as bad as the first one?

The X-men movies haven't always been good, but those people can make a poster!

The X-men movies haven’t always been good, but those people can make a poster!

Okay so Wolverine: X-men Cameos was not a great movie. I mean it wasn’t terrible, it just wasn’t great. Partially because the movie got so distracted by all of characters they put in and all the comic book stuff they had to pay tribute to that they forgot they were making a movie. Sure it was great to see that one big fat guy, and that one Chinese person nobody cared about, and it was ummmmm… interesting to see Will I Am try and act (try being a VERY important word in that sentence.) But it was all just a little too much. A lot too much in fact.

Wolverine: The Japan Years, I think can be a really good movie as long as we don’t get caught up in the same thing. Hopefully the story will be (ya know) about Wolverine… and Wolverine hacking people into pieces and healing… cause that’s why we like Wolverine people who make X-men. That’s why we like him.

So there you go Interfriends, webberpeeps… whatever. I think Monday I’ll be ready to do an Iron Man 3 review so come on back for that and at some point in the near future I’m gonna make a HUGE announcement about my next adventure into media but we’ll talk about that later! Thanks for reading and have a great weekend!