Posts Tagged ‘The Wolverine’

Hey everyone! So just so you know straight off as I sit here tonight staring into the endless whiteness of this computer screen four ninjas are playing the Canadian anthem inside of my skull  with drumsticks. As such this blog will be short and either hilariously funny, or just the random musings of a person who mostly can’t remember what his last sentence was about. You’re guess is as good as mine.

Let’s find out shall we?

Box Office Top Ten 8/19/13

(as always these are the box office results from last week ranked from worst to first.

10. The Wolverine

 Still hanging on to the number 10 slot despite multiple much larger openings is the Wolverine! Wow, it’s almost like this movie can’t die!!! Ha ha ha ha—yeah this is gonna be a rough blog.

You should see it because: it’s Wolverine. The sweetest of sweet super heroes. The cherry on top of the x-men universe. The first drop of dew on a cool summers mustache.

Number 9: The Smurfs 2

Somehow this movie got made AND people watched it. People with drivers licenses and jobs where people PAY them to THINK. Now my head hurts and I’m depressed. Thanks Smurfs.

You should see it because: you have lost all hint of self-worth.

Number 8: 2 Guns

A movie that actually did pretty well and has gotten decent reviews, 2 Guns is this year’s buddy cop movie success. You know what you’re getting going into it and that’s pretty much what you get. The McDonalds of this week’s box office, it won’t change your life but it will leave you walking out feeling filmically satisfied.

You should see it because: I just wrote the term “filmically satisfied” which up until this point did not exist. I brought words into existence to describe this movie. Yeah… think about that.

Number 7: Jobs

A movie about Steve Jobs starring Ashton Kutcher who actually looks less like Steve Jobs then I do. Also: Ashton Kutcher. Not surprisingly, the movie has got very good reviews which is like saying a soup that primarily starred a Stop Sign was not well received by soup-eaters.

You should see it because: You like soup?

Number 6: Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters

The sequal to a movie that came out several years ago, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters is a movie about Percy Jackson… and a Sea… with some Monsters in it. I assume. The general consensus seemed to be that if you liked the first movie you’ll like this one so… I guess if you were one of those six people you’re good to go (sorry Lydia.)

You should see it because: You’re Lydia!

Number 5: Planes

A movie that is “based on the world of cars” but is about “planes.” Which seemed like a good idea right up until someone stood up in a meeting and said “So… do we have like… a story idea or are we just doing this to cash in on the people who liked cars?”

You should see it cause: Well… it’s not Smurfs 2.   

Number 4: Kick Ass 2

Way to many number 2’s going on this week. You know how  much extra finger energy I spend reaching up to the 2 key? Anyway, the first Kick-ass was a movie I really tried to watch cause everyone was saying how “realistic” it was but mostly I just found it to be kind of a dumb interpretation that was far too busy being happy about how “gritty” it was being and forgot to actually make a good movie in the process.

You should see it because: Umm… yeah… you probably shouldn’t.

Number 3: Elysium

A movie starring Matt Damon and the ghost of Jodi Foster’s acting career, Elysium tells the story of a dystopian futuristic society in which Matt Damon still totally has a Boston accent for some reason. They say this is actually a good movie and I would totally say something positive about it except for the fact that my head hurts and my positivity is broken.

You should see it because: It’s one of the few movies this week that I’m actually considering watching.

Number 2: We’re the Millers

A comedies… whatever happened to you? We’re the Millers has something to do with a group of people smuggling drugs and pretending to be a family all the while. From the trailers I can tell you that this movie is exactly as funny as that last sentence.

You should see it because: You feel like your IQ is just a little too high and want to force some brain cells to commit suicide.

Number 1: Lee Daniels’ The Butler

I’m actually required by law to type out “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” every time I talk about “Lee Daniels’ The Butler.” See there was a court case where “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” and another movie fought over the rights to be called “The Butler” and “Lee Daniels’ The Butler”  lost the court case to that other movie “The Butler.” Anyway, “Lee Daniels’ The Butler”  stars Oprah from the popular TV show “Oprah Winfrey’s The Opera Show” which used to air on “Oprah Winfrey’s Opera Network” at Oprah-o’clock every day.

You should see it because: you like saying “Lee Daniels’ The Butler” and sounding pretentious.

And there you have it everyone! Thanks for reading and suffering through my headache with me! I’ll see you Thursday!

Well hey internet! As we head towards these last fleeting days of summer I find myself asking questions about where I have been. Pondering who I am; asking myself “Why did it rain EVERY DAY this summer? Whose idea was that? Did someone put Noah in charge of this summers forecast?” And of course (as I am wont to do) I found myself looking back over my cinematography shoulder at movies gone by. Sounds like it’s time for:

Micah’s Third Annual Summer Movie Awards: An Award show with no significance, no awards, and very few actual movies!

Let’s get started!  

Most Gwenyth Paltrow

Iron Man 3. Stand up Iron Man, accept your round of applause, and this statue made entirely of pepper and pots. You took a great character and a cool ending and you decided to put more Gwenyth Paltrow in. This is like having a Delicious glazed donut and plugging the whole with a pickle. I have nothing imparticular against pickles it’s just… they shouldn’t be the focus of a donut. Similarly, I have nothing against Gwenyth Paltrow but she is not the one I paid to watch, I paid to watch Iron Man, and you hid him from me.

Most “Old boy” in any movie ever.

The Great Gatsby. Did they really say “old” that much in the 20’s? Like every third word in this movie was “old boy” “old fellow” “old man” “old spice” everything in hear was old. The Great Gatsby was a big pile of interesting costumes and parties, topped with a heaping helping of pretentiousness; but it seemed like we forgot the little things like plot, characters, and making people give a care. The whole movie I kept waiting for the Planter’s Peanut to walk in with his top hat and monocle and start trying to sell me his “old mixture of salt and deliciousnouss.”

Most Ironically Named Movie

Epic. A movie that was a lot of things… except epic. It wasn’t epically bad, nor was it epically good. Epic just sort of existed. Which is Ironic.

Least Cares Given

After Earth. After spending months hesitantly watching After Earth slowly look worse and worse After Earth ended up being really bad. To the surprise of no one.

Movie With the Wierdest Ending

Now You See Me. I really liked this movie. A lot. It was fun and surprising and well-paced but the ending was just a little… strange. You’ll not this isn’t the award for “worst ending” that’s coming later. This is just the award for the ending that I kind of saw coming but didn’t necessarily want to end the way it did. Still a good movie but the ending kind of left you going… “huh.” Like if you went to a delicious Chinese restaurant that instead of giving you fortune cookies they passed out after dinner mints. It’s not bad just… “huh.”

Wait-- it's an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!

Wait– there’s an ambivolent ending coming! NOOO!!

Best Plot Holes Man of Steel. Let the record show I didn’t not like Man of Steel. Nor is it winning the award for “most” plot holes (there isn’t one as I try to avoid such movies.) But Man of Steel definitely wins “Best Plot Holes” as it’s practically a party game at this point. “So what was your favorite Man of Steel Plot hole?” “Well I just don’t understand why Superman didn’t ask his Space-Daddy who Zod was as soon as he turned up. I mean he spent days walking around going “Man if only I had some guidance or something,” meanwhile Russell Crowe is just sort of hanging out with this repository full of Alien knowledge.” Once again it wasn’t the worst movie I’ve ever seen, just the one with the most fun plot holes!

Movie that most turned out to be really stupid.

RIPD. A movie I was originally excited about but when a movie comes out and every reviewer who sees it comes out of the theater clutching what’s left of their IQ to their chests you usually just leave it alone.

Worst Ending

A surprisingly stacked category in a summer where a couple different movies kind of ran out of steam towards the climax. Fortunately for us, there’s the Lone Ranger. A movie whose ending hit the trifecta of not making sense, not really fitting with the rest of the movies feel, and being really unnecessarily confusing. The Wolverine gave it a run for its money but in the end the Lone Ranger rides again.  

Worst Relationship Choice:

The Wolverine. Shoulda dated the hot, useful, actual-mutant powered, red headed girl, Wolverine. I’m a little ashamed of you.

Most Unnecessary Movie:

Grown Ups 2. Why America? Why? It’s a tribute to this movies horribleness that the Smurfs 2 wasn’t even considered to be in serious contention for this award.  

Movie that most made me want to watch another movie:

Monster University. Sure Monster University was a good movie, it just wasn’t as good as that other Monster movie so it mostly just made me want to go watch that.

Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate life before it.

Kind of like real college, Mosters University made you appreciate what you hadbefore it.

And finally the one serious award I give out every year:

Movie of the Summer:

Star Trek: Into Darkness. In a summer where most movies we’re slightly below what I was hoping they would be Star Trek: Into Darkness ended up going above and beyond my expectations (and I had HIGH expectations)! It was a great movie for Trekkies, Trekkers, and checkers the world over and if you didn’t get a chance to see it you really missed out! (check out the full review here)

Anyway, thanks for reading everyone and thanks for following along on yet another summer here on Thoughts We Might Have Had. You all are the greatest!

So I must start this post with a sincere apology to you Jed McGrew. And to any other random McGrews, McGoos, or Cesspools who happen to read this site. Monday was a crazy day and my awesome wife took me on a surprise trip to Charlotte last weekend and thus I had far FAR greater things to do then write a blog for you McGrew people. Anyway though, here I am sage and sound and ready to do that thing I said I was going to do. That thing called:

 Micah Reviews: The Wolverine

Wolverine takes six pack abs to a whole new level.

Wolverine takes six pack abs to a whole new level.

We all know my affinity for Wolverine. I mean when my second grade English teacher (Mrs. Rathbun) asked me what I wanted to be when I grew up I said “Wolverine.” For career day that year I wanted to go dressed as Wolverine but my mom wouldn’t have any of that and made me go as my second greatest career goal: Les Miserables’ Jon Val Jon.

Ha ha: no. I went as a baseball player or (as I told myself and all my friends) Wolverine disguised as a baseball player.

All that to say, I like Wolverine. I was excited about a Wolverine movie telling the story of an absolutely iconic Wolverine comic book series! So did it live up to the hype? Could this Wolverine be half as awesome as my cleverly disguised baseball player Wolverine?? Of course not. But I watched the movie anyway.

The Plot:

After “X3: We’ve Officially Run Out of Ideas,” Wolverine seems to have fallen on hard times. He sleeps in the woods, his best friend is a bear, and he has a recurring nightmare that involves him stabbing his former lady love. Which sounds a lot like my jr. high hiking camp now that I think about it… except, ya know, for the stabby thing.

Anyway, one dark and stormy night he is tracked down by some random Japanese girl named Kokomo (not her real name) and she wants to get there fast and then take it slow.

Wait, what?

Oh… sorry. Her name is Yukio and she wants to take Wolverine to meet with her employer who happens to be some guy that Wolverine knew in World War 2 (I should mention for the uninitiated that Wolverine doesn’t age and heals from any wound, in case you have somehow avoided seeing any of the promotional material for this or any other X-men movie.)

Shortly after Wolverine’s arrival his friend (Mr. Yomamoto) enters him in a karate contest and– hang on.

Shorty after Wolverine’s arrival his friend (Mr. Yashida) passes away from some horrible disease that we’re never told what it is. But just as Wolverine is about to go back to his mountain and chill with his bear friend and ghost girl (great name for one of those cutesy indie bands there, right? “Bear friend and Ghost girl” I’d buy that CD) someone attacks Mr. Yashida’s daughter and Wolverine and her beat a hasty retreat into the Japanese countryside.

Can Wolverine get to the bottom of these attacks? Will he ever be able to cope with his own gift of immortality? And why is his trusty healing factor not so trusty anymore?

The Pros:

Hugh Jackman basically IS Wolverine at this point. In my Iron Man 3 review I talked about how Robert Downey Jr is one of the few actors playing a character that only he could play in Tony Stark. Hugh Jackman is one of the other few actors with his portrayal of Wolverine. Jackman nails every bit of his performance and while Wolverine will (by virtue of who he is) never be an incredibly deep or verbose character he’ll always be worth watching as long as he’s in the capable claws of Hugh Jackman.  

The first two thirds of the movie is really well put together and paced. You care about what’s going on with Wolverine and even though I didn’t really care that much for the worthless, winy, poorly written girl he was traveling with the story between the two of them was well worth seeing.

Bullet train fight. Nuff said.

The Cons:

The woman who plays “The Viper” villain lady is face-punchingly bad. It’s like her motivation behind her every line is to be as un-subtle as possible. She can’t say “pass me the sugar” at lunch without feeling the need to cackle evilly and murder somebody with her spit.

The movie seems to lose some of it’s steam going into the last thirty minutes or so of the movie. After crafting a good narrative with believable characters and even a cool come back for Wolverine in a sweet dojo fight, the movie takes a nosedive into Ridiculousville as Wolverine makes some hilariously poor tactical decisions and then fights a giant robot. 

Hilariously poor tactical decision: “It’s a trap!” “I know, I’m going anyway” “Okay well at least since you know it’s a trap maybe you should come at them in a way they wouldn’t expect you to do if you didn’t know it was a trap.” “Nah, I’ll just walk right up to them like I don’t know it’s a trap even though I do know it’s a trap!!” “Umm… okay…”

And I’m not even talking about the whole “Wolverine walks away from a fight when he could easily win said fight so that he can get captured by Ninja’s who couldn’t have captured him otherwise” thing.

WAY to much Famke Janssen in this movie. Famke played Jean Grey in the other X-men movies and got increasingly more and more annoying as those movies went on (culmination in a hilariously awful performance in X3 that ruined the movie, her character, and several innocent broccoli’s.) She comes back in this movie and seems to be popping up around every corner to whisper haunting things at Wolverine about Death or taking out the trash or some other naggy wife typed things. I mean no wonder Wolverine is depressed, everytime he goes to sleep he’s got some dead red head passive aggressively kissing him. I’d probably go live on a mountain too.

And finally: Wolverine totally should have dated the hot red headed chick who was both more attractive AND dramatically more useful then the other girl. Dramatically.

In Conclusion:

I enjoyed The Wolverine. It lost some of it’s punch with a weak closing act but on the whole I still enjoyed the experience and would recommend it highly to any fans of the X-men world. Hugh Jackmen is a joy to watch and the story (for the most part) is tight and well told.

I give it three Wolverine claws, out of 5!!

Yes Wolverine, that many.

Yes Wolverine, that many.

Also: if you haven’t checked out my Kickstarter page please do so now!! LINK!!!

Ah… I love the smell of 2013 in the morning. Smells like… morning. Anyway, after two posts looking back at 2012 with a mix of adoration and profound motherly disgust let us now turn our eyes towards the year ahead. The movies, the songs, the possible twilight re-boot (ha ha no. Just kidding. I give it at least two years.) So here we have the ten movies of 2013 that I anticipate the most or (in a more melodic manner and with bolder font):

 The Ten Most Anticipated Movies of 2013

Honorable mention: Before I dive in to the top ten here are two movies that didn’t quite make the grade. The first: Monster University. I really liked the original Monsters Inc. movie and am legitly excited about this prequel. That said, it’s another Pixar movie and all Pixar movies are starting to look the same to me. Ya know… cause they make them for children. Even though I’m not exactly in the target audience though I’m still excited to get back to good old Mike Wizowski. Just not top ten sort of excited.

Secondly: Beautiful Creatures. I’m not entirely sure what this movie is about. Something about witches and light and dark and some girl who has to choose a side or something (and not like fries or chips… I think. Though you’ve always got to go with the fries there). It looks like a cool idea and has Emma Thompson in it which are both good things, but it also looks suspiciously like it’s being aimed at all of the Twilight fans who don’t have movies to watch anymore so… I don’t know. It could be good… or laughably horrible. Only time will tell I suppose.

Okay, for real though, on to the top ten.

10. The Host

Speaking of Twilight here’s another book by Stephanie Meyer. I know, I know “she is the soul of evil blady bla bla” but first off I’ve been the soul of evil since way before Stephanie Meyer started banging her head on a keyboard and writing Twilight. Secondly, this movie actually looks interesting, and my wife (being the awesome person she is) has read the book and said it was actually pretty good and that it was hard to believe the same person had written The Host and Twlight. Plus I like Saoirse Ronan (though her name is a butt to spell) and it just seems like a movie that could be good. I will admit though that the reason it’s slinking down here at number 10 is for it’s strong “love triangle” potential.

The fact that they are literally standing in a triangle on this poster makes me uneasy.

The fact that they are LITERALLY standing in a triangle on this poster makes me uneasy.

9. The Lone Ranger

“Hi HO Johnny Depp!! Away!!” I’m moderately sort of kind of excited about this movie. I don’t know, it just looks like fun, plus what was the last really great western you watched? True Grit? And that was depressing. The Lone Ranger could be really good, but even in the worse case scenario it will be entertaining and different and I like both of those things. So let’s just see what happens.

8. Oblivion

Yes ladies and gentleman, a Tom Cruise movie. I must be getting soft… or less sarcastic… or hungry. Yup, that’s it. Seriously though, I was super intrigued by the trailer for this movie and everything I’ve read about it makes it sound pretty solid. It seems to work from an interesting premise AND has Morgan Freeman in it so… I’m interested. It has the potential to be bad, because: Tom Cruise. But hey, it looks solid so until something comes out to convince me otherwise: I’m in.

Cuase nothing says "good movie" like a waterfall made by buildings!

Cuase nothing says “good movie” like a waterfall made by buildings!

7. The Hunger Games: Catching Fire

Man I need to read these books. I could be reading them now but NOOO the internet had to get all persnickety on me about posting when I said I was going to and stuff like that. Anyway, I’m excited about this movie despite the fact that I have absolutely ZERO idea what it’s about. There was already a significant amount of things being caught on fire in the first movie though, so it’s only uphill from there right?

6. Man of Steel

Well hello Superman. It’s been a while. I haven’t seen you since you were fathering illegitimate children and using your x-ray vision to creepily spy on your ex and her fiancé! What’s that? Oh, were pretending none of that happened? Oh good.

Man of Steel looks like it could be a pretty good movie. I’ve talked ad nauseam about Superman and why it’s hard to make a good Superman movie, but I think this movie is showing a lot of good potential for awesomeness (though I’m creeped out slightly that both its trailers have stolen their music from SUPER popular movies but hey… I guess not everyone can hire their own composer, right?)

5. The Wolverine

Wolverine!! Practically the anti-superman Wolverine is one of my favorite Super heroes and the one I most wanted to be when I was 5. Wolverine’s last solo movie (Wolverine: Way too Many Characters) was so-so. I mean I liked it, but I made my own Wolverine claws out of wood when I was 7 so… yeah. Bias. Still though from what I’ve read about the new Wolverine it seems like the Directors have a really tight/darker themed movie that will focus less on getting as many X-men into one movie as we can, and more on, ya know, Wolverine.

4. Thor 2

Thor!!! Oh man. I am so excited about this movie. I really liked the original Thor and was utterly surprised by that fact. I honestly always thought Thor was just un-relatable and kind of weak sauce, but little did I know the true joys of bushy blond beards and massive hammers. Thor is one of my favorite of Marvel’s Avengers, plus Christopher Eccleston plays the villain, AND Tom Hiddleston is gonna be up to his usual awesomeness as Loki. What’s not to like?

There's not a poster for Thor 2 yet so I'm putting this here cause it is the sickness.

There’s not a poster for Thor 2 yet so I’m putting this here cause it is the sickness.

*****

And once again I need to make a note here about what a hard time I had differentiating the top 3 (and especially the top two). I actually flipped them several times but in the end my head started hurting and I had to eat a Snicker’s bar just to have enough energy to finish this post, so; in the name of my blood sugar levels not reaching the magical land of double sugar covered Peeps, I’m just gonna go with my gut and admit to the internet at large that I couldn’t make up my own tiny mind.

3. The Hobbit: Desolation of Smaug

Kudos to Peter Jackson for making a thousand dumb high schoolers look up the word “desolation” on their Iphones. Well done Peter. I really like The Hobbit: A Rabbit’s Holiday, except for a few parts involving the aforementioned Rabbits but more on that later. Two Towers is probably my favorite of the original Lord of the Rings and I really think Desolation of Smaug (also the second movie in the Trilogy) will be a much tighter movie then the Hobbit pt. 1. I’m excited to see what Jackson does with the characters and story-lines that he’s opened up, and the prospect of finally getting to hear the dulcimer tones of Benedict Cumberbatch playing Smaug is more then enough to make this one of my most anticipated movies of 2013.

Of course this isn't the "official" poster, but it has a Dragon. So.... I'm good.

Of course this isn’t the “official” poster, but it has a Dragon. So…. I’m good.

2. Iron Man 3

Speaking of awesome actors and Avengers, let’s all take a moment and give a big round of applause to Robert Downey Jr. I’m not gonna lie I though the second Iron Man movie was a severe step back from the awesomeness of the first movie. Downey Jr. was still awesome, and I really liked what they did with Pepper Pots and War Machine but the movie was a little to ADD for me. It looks like the new movie is taking itself a little more seriously though (while still featuring the awesome hilarity of Tony Stark). Plus Ben Kingsley playing Mandarin (the films main villain) yes please!

"I would go... but I don't have anything to wear..."

“I would go… but I don’t have anything to wear…”

1. Star Trek: Into Darkness

I know… I was surprised too. Let me say one more time: I am NOT a trekkie. I have seen… maybe two episodes of the TV shows? And I think I watched Wrath of Kahn once… three years ago… SUPER late at night. And honestly I thought they were pretty cheesy and not super well done (forgive me Patrick Stewart). I did like the new Star Trek movie and thought it was a really cool way to sort of re-boot the series without entirely throwing out everything else that had ever happened. All that said, the trailer for Into Darkness KICKED BUTT! I don’t know whether it was the cool effects, the interesting story ideas, or the fact that Benedict Cumberbatch has the voice of a Spartan Warrior dipped in Chocolate and Manliness (it’s that one) but I’m really excited about this movie. Really excited…. and I’m a little freaked out by that, because (once more) not a trekkie.

So there you have it interfriends! The ten movies I’m most looking forward to this year! Here’s hoping I (like so many great Pokemon trainers before me) catch them all. Check back on Monday when I finally get around to reviewing Les Miserables and confront my inner hatred for Amanda Siegfried.