A Day in the Life: Diablo 3

So recently (yesterday morning in fact) my x-box suffered some kind of stroke. I don’t know what exactly happened to incite this stroke but I am (needless to say) concerned for it. After all how am I supposed to watch Batman movies if my Xbox is broken?? How am I supposed to play Batman Arkham Asylum if my x-box is broken? That’s like 60 percent less Batman in my life now… dag. Anyway, as I sat on the ground cradling my xbox in my arms and whispering calm assurances as it slowly sailed off into that big Entertainment Center in the sky a thought occurred to me.

“Micah” the thought said. “Do you remember the other day when David mentioned you should really check out Diablo 3?”

“Well sure I do, Thought.” I replied as I sprinkled holy water on my broken machine. “But there’s no way that game would run on my computer.”

“You never know till you try, Micah.” My Thought said. “Also,” it continued. “stop talking to yourself.”

So I poked around on the internet trying to figure out if Diablo 3 would turn my computer into a molten slab of forgotten Facebook messages when I stumbled upon something very interesting. Taylor Swift is dating—

No wait hang on… that wasn’t it. Umm… Oh yeah, it was Diablo 3! And something called “the starter kit” which was FREE. Now I love free, free and me are SUPER close friends. So I started downloading the Diablo 3 starter kit and it took FOREVER!! Several hours later when I had cleaned my house, taken a shower, and brought peace to the middle east it was finally time for me to sit down and start my starter kit!

Diablo 3: Cause there really is, no place like home.

Diablo 3 opens with a movie where some old guy tells some young girl that the world will end. She says it won’t, and then a COMET hits the old guy in the FACE! It’s a great opening.

After that the game asks you to choose whether you want to be: A Barbarian (standard hack and slashy swordy typed person), a Sorcerer (standard magicy deathy sort of person), a Demon Hunter (bows and arrows), a monk (punchy kicky sort of weirdly out of place character), and a Witch Doctor (I have NO idea but it apparently involves throwing spiders at people… which sounds fairly hilarious.)

I decided to be a demon hunter cause he looked the awesomest and I was rewarded with a very cool cut scene where the demon hunter informed me in a growly man voice that his family was murdered by monsters and now he’s out to kill them all because hey what else does he have to do? Go to school??

It turns out that the introductory comet-in-face intro was not just random but in fact set up where I was going to start the game. I arrived in a tiny town to investigate a “fallen star.” Shortly thereafter I meet the girl from the movie who has been looking for her uncle (the old guy) for six days but he hasn’t turned up. This makes sense to me seeing as (once again) he was hit in the face with a COMET. But since I’m looking for the stupid star anyway I tell her I’ll be sure to look for whatever partially deep friend remains of her Uncle that I can find.

Pictured: Uncle Oldface pre-comet strike.

Being a Demon Hunter is fairly awesome. Basically I only use bows to fight BUT have a ton of little tricks I can pull off to keep enemies from getting within stabbing and/or biting range. Another very cool part of the game is that every so often there’s a wall or a chandelier that you can use against your unsuspecting enemies as a way to murder them with a mountain of rocks before they even know you’re there (which is awesome).

The Demon Hunter, cause why be anything else?

This whole time I’m waiting for my computer to start spouting sparks or throwing keys at my eyes but surprisingly it kept up really well and even (dare we say it) made the game look pretty good.

I wandered around for a while killing zombies and making gruff huntery remarks about how everyone should just leave me alone because there incompetent and stupid and their voices aren’t NEARLY gravelly enough to handle this sort of action, when lo and behold who should I find but the Old Guy!! The old guy who was somehow ALIVE!!

I was quite impressed, so when he asked me to find and kill the skeleton King I of course agreed as long as he promised not to anger anymore passing comets. I headed back down into the massive star-hole left by the comet’s impact on Captain Oldy-pants facial regions and while I was down there I met some other guy whose name I don’t remember.

I will call him… Bob. Bob was (when I met him) surrounded by dark Sorcerers who seemed to be performing some sort of ritual on his Bob typed face. So I shot them all. In retrospect I probably should have at least checked to see what they were doin’ huh? I mean for all I know they were trying to change Bob into Brad Pitt or something… dag it. Regardless, seconds after my entrance the room was filled with arrow riddled corpses and Bob was thanking me.

Bob… I think. I don’t completely remember what he looks like… I’m a terrible friend. 

Bob, as it turns out, was a Templar who had come into the Comet-face-hole looking for the Skeleton King cause his Order had told him to. So Bob joined up with me and the two of us started murdering things together. Surprisingly Bob and me ended up having some fairly deep conversations about the difference between the Templar Order and the Order of Demon Hunters and forged sort of a grudging respect one for another despite the fact that  (as has been discussed) I do not remember Bob’s actual name or anything about him.

Anyway, after a startlingly long time Bob and I managed to find and kill the Skeleton King at which point a helpful Diablo 3 menu popped up and asked me to purchase the full game.

“Ha ha ha” I laughed at Diablo 3. “I’d really rather not.”

“Ha ha ha” Laughed Diablo 3 in reply. And then kicked me out of the game.

So that was the end of my Demon Hunter, apparently Diablo wants 60 bucks to allow me to actually own the game OR I can go back and make a different character and play them until after I beat the Skeleton King at which point the game will kick me out again.

Regardless of all that though Diablo 3 (or Diablo III as it prefers to be called) was actually a surprisingly fun game. I thoroughly enjoyed it and if David is reading this I hope it brings a smile to his not-comet-hit face.

Thanks for reading everyone, have a great weekend, enjoy the sunshine, and hold your x-box’s close… you never know how long you have.