The Box Office Top Ten 1-28-13

Posted: January 28, 2013 by Micah in Movie Reviews
Tags: , , , ,

Well hey Internet! Hopefully you all had a good weekend because now, like the hollow, empty sound of a thousand twilight fans banging their heads together, it is Monday.  I’m sorry.

So after all of last weeks shenanigans and shenonigans and Shanghai’s I thought we’d get this week started with a look at what’s going on this week in the wonderful world of Hollywood. What’s up? What’s down? And what’s Jeremy Renner? So without further ado here’s this week’s Box Office Top Ten.

Some further ado: Generally speaking January and Febuarary are Hollywoods worst two months. Most of the movies aren’t good and most of the stars are out practicing their acceptance speeches and trying to pretend they weren’t in the movies that slink into theaters in January. January and February (Or Jefbrary) are where bad movies crawl to die. Let’s see if it holds true!!

The Box Office Top Ten

Number 10:

Les Miserables:

Hey look Les Mis is still around. Clinging to the last five dollars that it made from that one person who hadn’t seen it yet, or those two people who decided that they wanted to see it again. I liked Les Mis for the most part and thought it well worth the watching! That said the fact that it’s still around is less of a positive reflection on it and more of a negative reflection on Jefbruary. Like being the last good bagel next to a mountain of fishheads. Sure you probably don’t REALLY want a bagel, but it looks mighty tasty in comparison to the fish.

Yes Hugh... it's Monday.

Yes Hugh… it’s Monday.

You should see it because: You haven’t seen it yet, and are having a bad day already. Cause this ain’t gonna cheer you up.

Number 9:

Broken City

Remember when I said that actors really tried to pretend that people would just forget about the fact they were in the movies that came out this month? Here is a prime example. Russell Crowe is in this movie. And it Is terrible. It’s a political movie and there’s a dirty cop… and a mayor… and… stuff. And it’s not just me who struggles to remember exactly what happened in this movie. It’s everyone  Professional reviewers don’t even know what happened to this script just that it should not have happened.

I wonder what it’s like as a film maker to spend months and months working on a film and then sit down to watch the whole things and go: “Oh… that sucked. Better release this in January huh?” The only everyday thing I can compare this to is when you’ve worked all day on a complicated witch’s brew and right at the end realize you used Vampire Teeth instead of Vampire BAT teeth.

What? What do you mean that’s not an everyday thing for you?? I don’t think you’re living correctly.

I was gonna put a picture of Broken City here but then I remembered that no one cared.

I was gonna put a picture of Broken City here but then I remembered that no one cared.

You should watch it because: Umm… You’re Russell Crowe? Or… maybe… Russell Crowe’s… mom?

Number 8:

Gangster Squad:

Gangster Squad looked like it had a lot of potential to be good. It did not live up to that potential. This is not to say it’s a bad movie per se, just that it’s not as great as it could have been. The cast is pretty strong and Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone hold their own, but the script is confusing and (like a bad class reunion) lacks a really strong punch.

You should watch it because: You really like gangster movies and for whatever reason can’t get a hold of Godfather 2.

Number 7:

Movie 43:

Movie 43 is a “comedy” which I’m putting in quotations here because it is quite possibly one of the most horribly unfunny things in the world. A series of 12 skits loaded together into one movie because…. Reasons. Movie 43 is offensive and tasteless and stupid and dumb and basically just a pile of old spleens that someone put into a movie.

You should watch it because: Yeah… you shouldn’t watch this.

Number 6:

Django Unchained:

Quentin Tarantino’s latest entry into his eclectic collection of… collectibles. Django Unchained is a movie about a freed slaves quest to reclaim his wife from this clutches of an evil Southern Plantation owner. Django is definitely a Tarantino movie which is to say there’s a LOT of violence and swearing but the characters are interesting and the story is fun. Tarantino doesn’t really seem to have a strong “point” to this movie but if you’re a fan of his past work you’ll probably like this one too.

You should watch it because: You like Quentin Tarantino… in a not creepy sort of way.

Number 5:


I am, on the whole, a fan of Jason Statham. That said I feel no motivation whatsoever to watch Parker. It looks like a very samey sort of punchy movie wherein Statham plays a noble crook who gets betrayed by crooks who are crookier then he is and then he punches them. There. Just saved you ten bucks.

Jason Statham: So much cool, so much exactly the sameness.

Jason Statham: So much cool, so much exactly the sameness.

You should watch it because: You have never seen a Jason Statham movie before.

Number Four:

Zero Dark Thirty

A movie about the hunt for Osama, Zero Dark Thirty has had its share of controversy and acclaim, and is a strong contender for the Best Picture award at the Oscars. Directed by the same woman (Kathryn Bigelow) who did the brilliant (if heinously slow) Hurt Locker, Zero Dark Thirty is a gritty real world look at what went on in the final days of Osama Bin-Laden.

You should watch it because: You’re curious about the storyline and have some patience stored up (it’s another long one).

Number Three:

Silver Linings Playbook

I’m gonna be real honest… very few things about this movie really appeal to me. First off it leads Bradley Cooper as some sort of recovering mental patient and then there’s something about dancing and…  a widow with SUPER loose morals… who might have killed a lot of children in the Hunger Games… it’s all very complicated. That said a lot of critics seemed to like it so… I’m gonna just leave this one up to you.

I even find this picture just a little offputting.

I even find this picture just a little off putting.

You should watch it because: You like Bradley Cooper and dancing… I guess… also you’re a weird person.

Number Two:


It’s a horror movie. There are some creepy kids and an angry spirit. I promise you have seen this movie before. Please don’t watch it.

You should watch it because: You wandered into the wrong theater by accident. In which case you should leave. Right now. I’ll wait.

Number 1:

Hanzel and Gretel: Witch Hunters

I'll give Jeremy Renner that he is easily the toughest looking "Hanzel" I have ever seen.

I’ll give Jeremy Renner that he is easily the toughest looking “Hanzel” I have ever seen.

Jeremy Renner and some person no one have ever heard of before star in a movie about the heroes of this childhood childrens tale all grown up and (you guessed it) Hunting Witches. From all accounts Jeremy Renner actually does pretty well with his part, lending it gravitas while at the same time not taking himself too seriously (a very good things givin’ the subject matter). The rest of the movie though is a fairly generic monster hunter story, with some decent action, and fairly predictable pot twistage.

You should watch it because: You’re in the mood for some decent action with an interesting (if slightly underdone) premise.

And there you have it friends: The Doldrums of Jefbruary. On a  Monday. Man. Life stinks. I’m gonna go brood for a while. I’ll see you all Thursday.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s