Judging Covers: The Superbowl Edition

Posted: February 4, 2013 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , , , ,

I’m having a horrible sports year. The Celtics just lost their best player for at least the rest of this season, the Red Sox succeeded in not making the playoffs… again, and now not only did the Patriots not make it into the Super Bowl but the team that I probably hate the most (not counting the Jets, who aren’t really a “football team” so much as they are “a group of men running around a field for little to no reason”) actually won the game. I hate sports. That said… when does Baseball start again?

Eh-hem… anyway… none of that has anything at all to do with what this post is about. This post is (as you may have guessed from the title) about all of the trailers that aired during the Super Bowl (aka the only parts of the Super Bowl I actually enjoyed… stupid Ravens.) So without further bitterness, here are the trailers you probably watched during the Super Bowl!

(If you want to re-watch any of the trailers here’s a link that has them all on one page)

Fast and Furious Six:

The Fast and the Furios: Cause who needs stealth anyway?

The Fast and the Furios: Cause who needs stealth anyway?

 

The Fast and the Furious, or Fast Furious, or Too Fast Too Furious Two, or whatever we’re calling this particular series is officially the most confusing movie series in existence. The first one was okay, the second was… less okay but still holding onto okay with one tiny finger, the third and fourth ones were both laughably horrible and then the fifth one was (dare we say it) actually pretty good. Now here comes number six which looks like it could be a worthy successor to number five and continue a long tradition of cars doing things that cars were never ever meant to do, for the sake of something that probably doesn’t matter.

That said I’m sure the Rock punches things, Vin Diesel has a cool voice, and Gina Carano—wait what the—Gina Carano is in this? Ew. Nevermind. (for those of you who don’t remember Gina Carano was the driver of the 18 wheeler filled with Rotten Eggs and Justin Bieber CD’s that we call “Haywire: A terrible Movie”)

Iron Man 3:

I’m really excited about this movie. That said this might be the worst trailer for a good movie ever. There’s some sort of plane accident and then Ironman is flying around looking like he’s gonna save people… and then that’s it. What? Why? That is not a trailer People Who Made Iron Man 3, that is a clip… and not even a good clip. I’ve come to expect more from you Iron Man, see me after class please.

The Lone Ranger

In direct response to that trailer along comes this one! A trailer that was actually a trailer and actually made me want to watch the movie!! Yup, that’s right, consider me officially on board the Lone Ranger Train. Johnny Depp seems to have made another very interesting character, Armie Hammer seems to really have gotten on board with the part and the story seems to have  the slightly over the top action vibe that made that one good Pirates of the Carribean movie (ya know, the first one) so much fun.

My endorsement of this movie in no way endorses Johnny Depp gluing potentially live birds to his head.

My endorsement of this movie in no way endorses Johnny Depp gluing potentially live birds to his head.

Star Trek: Into Darkness

My official most anticipated movie of the year just keeps getting more anticipatory. That’s really all I can say about this trailer, it has somehow made the movie I was looking forward to more than any other movie, even better looking. This is like someone taking a delicious bag of skittles, opening it, and then re-making the bag using hundred dollar bills… when can I watch this?

Oz the Great and Powerful

The more trailers I watch involving this movie the more I worry about it. It just seems to be kind of… stupid. I mean there’s a shot in this trailer of James Franco sailing around in a bubble. A bubble. Does that sound like something that would happen in a good movie? I’m not saying it will be bad. I’m just saying it has some great potential to be bad. Reminds me a lot of Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland except without all of the things that made that movie good.

Disney Executive: So… how do you think we should get James Franco’s character from here to there?

Disney Writer: Well… we could stick him in a bubble.

Disney Executive: Did you just get off a roller coaster or something?

Disney Writer: Ummm… maybe.

Disney Executive: And while riding said coaster, did you plummet from a great height and land on your head?

Disney Writer: Maybe. Why?

Disney Executive: No reason. Now, tell me more of this “bubble travel.”

OZ119289122

You can’t judge a book by its cover but maybe you can judge a movie by its bubble.

World War Z:

If there is one thing the world needs right now it’s love sweet love. Wait—I mean less zombie movies. Yeah… that’s what I mean. For some reason though I’m actually excited about this one. Maybe it’s the fact that they somehow talked Brad Pitt into being in it, or the fact that it’s based on a really good (if incredibly creepy and sort of depressing) book. I don’t know, still though of all the hundreds of thousands of zombie movies that came out in the four minutes year or so, this is the only one I’m really circling as one to watch.

Say what you want about zombie intelligence, but cheerleaders have nothing on them where human pyramids are concerned.

Say what you want about zombie intelligence, but cheerleaders have nothing on them where human pyramids are concerned.

Snitch:

I really have no idea what to think about this movie. Other than that I will probably not be watching it. Sure I could pay ten dollars to see Dwayne Johnson break a face, and steer a truck around because his son got arrested but is that really what I want to do? Cause Dwayne Johnson has broken A LOT of faces in his movie career, and even driven a lot of trucks around (see every movie he’s ever been in) and I can watch those movie for free. People are standing on street corners practically begging me to take their copy of “Dwayne Johnson Punches A Drug Dealer Episode 7.” So why bother going to see this one? Consequently if there are any children reading this do NOT take movies from strangers. It’s probably a copy of Haywire. That stuff will kill you.

So there you have it, the trailers of the Super Bowl! Let there be singing in the streets, dancing in the hallways and PLEASE let baseball season start soon! Thanks for reading and we’ll see you Thursday!

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