Happy October everybody! And yes I was awake when September ended, which is a song reference that I’m sure almost no one got. Anyway though you didn’t come here to hear me make weird outdated references to bands who are well past their prime but are trying to make a comeback anyway do to the fact that they were bored and alone and not quite old enough for Bingo. You came here to find out who was the most princely prince in all of princedom. The greatest great in the greatness, and other superlatives that I’m just going to skip over so that we can get to…
Beauty and the Beast: The Beast.
As I’ve written before there’s really no need to judge the Beast for his opening Beastliness. The whole story goes that some hag-lady knocked on the door to his castle one random night and asked to come in. When the Prince (who never actually gets a name either consequently) doesn’t let her in the old hag curses him to forever be a terrible Beast person and then (just because she was SO noble and fair) decided to curse all of his servants as well. His servants who were completely innocent bystanders might I add. Plus we don’t know why the Prince wouldn’t let her in. Maybe there was an outbreak of the consumption. Maybe he was in the middle of the Hokey Pokey and realized that really is all that it’s about. Maybe he had just watched Snow White and didn’t feel like being poisoned to death by a creepy old lady.
If nothing else I feel like Disney is sending a mixed message about letting strange old people into our homes. I mean yeah they might kill you with death pears or something but they also might curse you to forever look like a giant werelion or something. Anyway the rest of the story has a lot to do with Stockholm syndrome, and a candle and a feather duster make out at one point so… yeah. Moving on.
Kind of a two sided answer to this one… I mean yeah the Beast was super useful at the beginning of the movie when he fights off a pack of wolves and trades an old guy with a mustache for a hot girl (good trade there. I mean really I don’t see that being a super hard decision. “Hm…” thought the Beast. “Creepy old guy with weird stash, who smells like a wet dog or… this hot chick… Hot chick it is.”
Then he shows a blatant disregard for both Biblical truths and what everyone ever has learned about women by telling Belle. “You can go anywhere except over there” which of course means that “Over there” is the first place Belle will be going. Idiot.
But then at the end of the movie he gets all mopey and worthless because he white fangs Belle. (consequently “White Fang” has nothing to do with vampires. Basically it just means that you intentionally drive someone away from you for their benefit despite the horrible damage it will do to your soul. Just like that kid in White Fang… this as opposed to “Old Yellering” someone which is totally different. Or “Homeward Bounding” someone which is when you abandon someone cause you hate them and they come back anyway so you can make a terrible sequel… I’ve been using way to many parenthesis here huh?) Anyway, after Belle leaves, the Beast just sort of sits around and is worthless while Gaston beats him up. Then Belle comes back and he beats Gaston up but doesn’t kill Gaston on purpose because he’s a good beast now. So he just kills him on accident. Yay Disney!!
The Beast has a lot of intentional creepiness going on, but clearly that doesn’t count in this section. I feel like the only really unintentional creepiness going on here is everything that happens after the Prince comes back as Fabio. From there on in it’s a long languid strole down Creepy Street to a Creepy Creek in Creepsville.
Oh also there’s the super spying that he does on Belle with his creepy magic mirror. Consequently Disney obviously has no idea what to do with Magic Mirrors. One lady can’t stop asking hers how hot she is and one Beast guy just keeps spying on a girl with it when we all know what any real person would use it for: Watching the Avengers.
Tricky question here because I feel like I have to judge both Beast and post-Beast hair.
The beast hair was not bad. Creepy with the bows, and when you tie it back behind you with that weird little half Samurai thing you look a might weird, but hey, on the whole it’s a pretty good look honestly. Sure no one will be kissing you anytime soon, but who needs kisses when you can devour an entire pack of wolves right? Yeah… yeah that’s not right at all.
Post Beast it’s actually pretty bad. Not in a “it’s everywhere” sort of way but more in a “that is creepily nice hair” sort of way. Like a “I bet he wakes up an hour earlier to wash, comb, and whisper lovingly to his hair” sort of nice. A “I have nicer hair then all women” sort of hair, and who wants that? I mean Aragorn from Lord of the Rings had awesome hair right up until he started combing it a lot and then he just sort of looked like a small tree.
I’m gonna give you a star made of bronze there Beastliness. Props for being a huge killer death machine at points but no props for letting Gaston beat you up and for having the hair of Adele. Still though I can’t ignore the fact that this whole thing started because you did the smart thing and didn’t allow a stranger into your house. So Bronze it shall be.
Pocahontas: John Smith
Ha ha ha. No. I’m just kidding. John Smith is a Prince like I’m an actual writer with grammar skills.
Mulan: Ping… or Pong… No wait hang on… umm… Shang. There it is.
Yeah yeah he wasn’t a Prince either but my wife would probably never speak to me again if I didn’t at least talk about him a little bit. Plus I did talk about Mulan who wasn’t a Princess either and no one seemed to be bothered by that. So shush angry masses of the world. Shush. It’s time for Granny’s program. I mean… writing… yeah.
Anyway Shang is the son of the Great General… Generalface. And he’s put in charge of this tiny group of Misfit soldiers out in the plains of Kansas… or whatever part of China passes for Kansas. And there he proceeds to train them.
And that’s really it. At some point there’s an avalanche and Shang gets swept away in it and then at another point he puts on a dress and beets up some people… or does he? Nope. I don’t think he does… I think he just gets beat up by that other guy.
Let’s recap here: Shang is a pretty good trainer. Gets the troops in shape, teaches everyone at which angle to hold their massive Chinese dragon cannons, etc. But when battle actually comes around he gets swept away in an avalanche (somewhat forgivable) and then beat up by a huge man-bear…. Also somewhat forgivable. Still though I am a little leery to start trumpeting you as a man amongst men when all you have to show for yourself is that you got swept away in a snowstorm and beaten up by Chinese Andre the Giant.
All right, Shang I was tough on you up there, I’ll admit it. But here’s where your vaguely Chinese star will rise to the vaguely Japanese heavens. Cause you pretty much weren’t unintentionally creepy at all. So while you’re not the sort of guy I would want with me in an avalanche or if I had to fight the Hulk with a Mustache, you seem like a fairly awesome not creepy at all sort of guy.
Except… you did have a woman with you in the camp for an entire… however long that was and never picked up on the fact that she was of the opposite gender. I’m not saying you’re a total failure because of it… just a little bit of one.
Sweet hair, Shang. Chinese Samurai awesomeness will get you major points especially if your Chinese and not a massive dog-beast wishing he was Chinese.
We’ll go with bronze again I think. And my wife may never speak to me again. I’m not saying Shang was a bad “prince” just that he was sort of worthless. I mean Prince Phillip killed a dragon! The Beast fought of wolves! That Prince from Snow White did… well he did nothing. And sort of sucked. So there you go Shang. You’re not Prince Phillip, but you seem like a decent man who I would by a hair tie for! Winning!!
Well there you have it. Part 3. Tune in to the special climactic prince finally on Thursday as I crown the ultimate in Disney princeliness!