Ah day two of Princeology. The smell of hairspray strong in the air. As great Ben Franklin once said, “bring me some water Molly, my spectacles are dirty.” What? Everything he said wasn’t epic you know, someone’s got to start quoting the regular, everyday, stupid things he said, right? So why not me? Why not now? Why not right before I make a completely unlinked drop into my first prince of the day?
Sleeping Beauty – Prince Phillip
So just so you know I’m incredibly tired which is to say even lazier than usual, which is to say this post will probably contain less fact and more sarcasm then some of my others. Which is saying a lot. Anyway, Prince Phillip was the Prince of some country somewhere and had an awesome horse (a predecessor to the awesomer horse in Tangled.) I don’t remember the awesome horses name and usually I would look that up but… I don’t care. So we will call him Bobert. Bobert the horse. Yay!
Phillip unwittingly meets Aurora (the Princess he was supposed to marry anyway) and the two fall in love! Then (in an incredibly sexist move) Aurora pricks her finger on a spindle and falls asleep forever. At which point Phillip storms a castle, breaks through a bunch of thorns (which is far manlier then it sounds) and kills the ultimate death dragon of doom just so he can give his girlfriend a hearty “hey howdie hey” and slap her on the back. I mean kiss her. But whatever.
Let’s go back over the “Killed a huge dragon” part again real quick. Sure sure the three magical wish fairies did something to his sword before he threw it but the fact remains that were Prince Phillip not endowed with the arm of Roger Clemens that massive Dragon would still be alive today… which actually doesn’t sound half bad when you put it that way.
Anyway, Phillip kicks butt. Then makes a new butt out of thorns and his own hair gel (more on that later) and kicks that butt. So here’s to you Phillip, you and Boberton… or whatever I named your horse.
Here’s how Phillip and Aurora met: he was riding his horse through the forest (cool) when what should he hear wafting over the trees and plains but the melodic voice of beautiful maiden (kinda cool). Naturally Phillip and Boberetta gallop towards it (mostly Bobert gallops, Phillip just sort of sits in a gallopy manner) and what should they find when they arrive but some psycho crazy woman dancing with an owl. (NOT cool). I mean I get it Phillip, it’s the middle ages, most women are not that attractive. Most women don’t have all their teeth let alone all of their brains, but really? Crazy girl women dancing with an owl?
And yet Phillip wades in anyway, replaces the Owl and dances away with Aurora until she remembers that she has to get back home before her three fairie mothers get back from town. I guess there’s a certain amount of respect to be had for a guy who commits to a woman regardless of how completely scrambled her brain pan is but… it’s a little creepy.
Phillip really did sort of have awesome hair. I mean he wasn’t exactly Shawn from Psych but the guy had style. He spetn some time in front of a mirror without forming a solid mass of concrete on his head (Prince Charming) or inadvertently making himself look like a particularly confused woman (that dude from Snow White). So props for you Prince Phillip, I’ll even give you some bonus points for the hat. I liked that hat.
Man… either I’m more tired than I thought or Prince Phillip was sort of awesome… Dragon deathliness… Thorn hacking. Kissing a girl who was asleep and NOT presumed dead… Man. Gold star for you Phillip. Well done. Way to be, just… ya know try and work on the whole “attraction to crazy owl dancy women thing” but still… awesome sauce for you.
The Little Mermaid: Prince Eric.
First off who names their Prince-son Eric? It just doesn’t work. King Eric? That works even less. You’ve got to come up with something to put after it like “Eric the Red-handed” or “One-eyed Eric” or “Eric: TV Repairman” but Prince Eric? Nope. I’m not buying.
Anyway Prince Eric was a guy who sailed a lot and listened to some woman sing and then fell in love with another woman who didn’t sing before he fell in love with a monster sea octopus woman. So there’s that.
Anytime you take a girl you like out on a boat for a romantic moonlit date and DON’T kiss her. You fail. I’m sorry, but you fail. I mean come on. Get in the game. Now you may say “Oh but Micah the boat was capsized by evil eels who inexplicably gained the power of Hercules.” To which I would reply, “So?” This just gives you a chance to rescue the girl, wrap her in a warm blanket, and remind her of your natural caring typed awesomeness before you kiss her. Maybe it’s cause he’s named Prince Eric I don’t know.
Then there’s the fact that you fall in love with that other girl just cause she sounds like that one mermaid you heard once AND you decide to marry her the next day for reasons I’ve never been entirely clear on. And sure in the end you stab the giant sea octopus lady with your boat but was that really that hard? I mean she was a giant sea octopus, it doesn’t exactly take Captain Nemo to hit a giant sea octopus with a giant ship. I’m not saying it wasn’t useful I’m just saying it wasn’t exactly nuclear fission.
Aside from the fact that you apparently fall in love with every third woman you pass on the street I guess you weren’t too unintentionally creepy. Though I imagine it was sort of a huge shock when you discovered you were about to marry a giant death Octopus huh? That’s gotta make you wanna wash your mouth out with soap right?
Meh. Just a general meh in the hair department Eric. Remind me again what you did in this movie to make anyone care about you at all? Oh that’s right nothing, Ariel falls in love with you because you are literally the only human she knows and then you crash a ship into a giant death octopus which is only slightly more difficult than if I had to save the world by finding a demeaning campaign ad. Thanks Eric.
I’m giving you a tin star, Eric. No, you weren’t terrible or heinous or moronic. But your name is Prince Eric and you couldn’t kiss a girl who desperately wanted to be kissed. Fail Eric. Just a big pile of fail.
And there you have it. Yet another thrilling episode of Princeology. Hope you enjoyed the ride. Check back Monday as I tackle the Beast from Beauty and the Beast and a myriad of your other childhood heroes.