I’m going to try and avoid talking about nothing but Spiderman and Batman for the next few weeks here but let it be known that the fact that I’m not standing in line somewhere waiting for the release of the Dark Knight Rises is an extreme tribute to my love of new wife, and my daunting amounts of laziness. Speaking of which it’s been like… two weeks since I actually could be bothered to do something as strenuous as “watch a movie” so I’m gonna do one of those random sort of cop out things that I do when I don’t do what I’m actually supposed to do for a website on which I am really the only authority figure (aside from our erstwhile editor Bob Spellingnazi). And so in a sentence that I literally do not know how it will end I will turn on bold font and DO…
Five Things I Learned From Cinderella!!
Really?
I mean, good! Good. Glad I plan these things out so well in advance. Hang on… I’m gonna try and remember what happened in that movie… does the dog die at the end?… No. No I think that’s Old Yeller…. Okay hang on… I’m starting to formulate a plan here… all right. Let’s do this!!
Cinderella: Cause pumpkins were tired of being Jack-O-Lanterns.
5. Drizella is a dumb name.
“Look honey it’s a baby!! What should we call it?” “Well let’s see… we named out first child “Anastasia” which is a Russian princess… let’s call this one… Drizella!! Which is what happens when you spill half-melted ice cream on yourself!! I’m sure no one will mind and that children in school won’t make fun of her all the time!”
Drizella, someone who (unfortunately for her) looks exactly what you think she would look like…
No wonder your children hated everybody. One of them inherently things she’s better then everyone. “Yes, hello and what’s your name? Bob. Well I’m Anastasia so… you’re stupid.” and the other couldn’t take four steps without being mocked openly for having a name that sounded like what your nose does when you have a cold.
4. Cats are inherently evil.
I say this with distinct apologies to my cats at home AND my wife but I mean the cat’s name in this movie is Lucifer. The whole time all the cat is trying to do is eat the happy cheery mice (more on them later), make a mess, and look possessed by the hordes of Satan.
Walt Disney was sued years later by Lucifers twin sons Appolyon the Destroyer and Binky.
Granted Disney would later apologies to feline kind with the horrendously titled “Aristocats” a movie that featured four terminally adorable kittens, and a song literally entitled “Everybody Wants to be a Cat.” (at least 7/10th of you now have that song stuck in your head. MWAHAHAHA)
Anyway I think we can all agree that Lucifer takes the cake as “Most evil cat ever in a movie.”
Challengers?? Ummm… uhh… those two Siamese cats from Lady and the Tramp? Which is another Disney film… man. What’s going on Walt Disney? Some people would nominate the Tiger from that one movie where the tiger starts eating people but I think we can all agree that we were secretly cheering on the Tiger.
3. No two people have the same size foot.
So… we’re trying to find someone and all we have is their shoe, right? However the Prince TOTALLY saw her. Danced with her. Talked to her about… something. But obviously rather than putting together a sketch and a “Have you seen this girl? Known Associates: Pumpkin” sign we’re going to take this shoe and try it on every girl in the kingdom until we find one who fits this shoe!! Of course secretly the Prince knew that the shoe could fit literally ANY girl with small feet in the kingdom but he figured “Well I’ll just find the first hot girl who fits this shoe and shazaam! Marriage goes the weasel.” Yeah the Prince used weird analogies and said “shazaam” in non-ironic sentences.
2. Mice are totally okay and should be encouraged.
Is it just me or is that mouse a Nazi?
I mean look at the cute little fuzzballs, right? Not only do they talk, have emotions, hopes, dreams, and fears but they’re selfless friends who risk great personal harm and the loss of their homes just so the servant girl who (for unspecified reasons) can speak to them! Not to mention the fact that there’s an adorably obese one who probably encouraged millions of children across the world to eat WAY too much and then wear mustard colored shirts.
And how exactly CAN Cinderella speak to the mice? Could anyone and nobody else bothered to? Cause believe you me I have tried and not once has a mouse ever made me a dress for a ball. I mean a… jersey for the game. A hammer for my battle. I mean… Manly. Stuff.
1. If you want to do something really badly, someone will come and give you a pumpkin.
“Yay!! Now, I can get everything I ever wanted without doing anything!! Thanks trippy blue woman!”
Yay a moral to the story!! I don’t know maybe it’s my age or the fact that I subsist primarily on coffee and sarcasm in my life but doesn’t it feel just a little bit like we don’t want our kids picking up the pixie dust that Cinderella is dropping off?
“Man I wish there was a solution to this problem… oh well… I guess I’ll just sit here and wait for some mice or an old lady to come and help me out.”
Or worse yet…
“Man I wish I could go to the park today… oh look a crazed woman singing a non-sense song and driving a pumpkin!! I’ll totally trust her!”
So there you have it. A movie that happened many many years ago and resembled very very little of the story it was actually based on. Like most of Disney’s movies. Of course… then again in the ancient Chinese version instead of having mice she talks to a fish which is apparently a reincarnation of her mother (terrible thing to come back as consequently)
“Cinderella it’s me!! Your mom!!” I would normally put a “your mom” joke here but really… why bother?
and in the Arabian version Cinderella is a dude who (in a climactic heartwarming event) is poisoned by his older brothers. So… I guess I should thank you, Walt Disney. I guess…
Thoughts We Might Have Had 