So here we are. The very last posting day before I review The Amazing Spiderman on Monday, and then… I don’t know… I’ll probably spend all of Thursday’s post talking about how I’m better than everyone else at Quidditch or something. Anyway though a couple people out there in the wide world of webdomhood…ness. Read my post on Pinterest, or however you actually spell that, and told me that the real place to go, the place with all the shizzle in its snizzle, all the pride in its prejudice, and all the creamer in its low-fat vanilla latte’ was, in fact, something called Ezy… or etsy. Or whatever. So anyway as opposed to sitting here and twiddling my thumbs (which is difficult to do while writing) I’ve decided to put etsy up to the paralyzingly stringent sarcasm filled sort of testhood that I applied to the now dearly departed Pintrest. And so without further ado I present a laboriously labeled article called.
Micah Wanders Aimlessly Around Etsy.com trying not to think about Spiderman.
Search 1: Spiderman.
Well that didn’t last very long.
Ummm… what?? That is not even a little bit spiderman. Like not even vaguely related to it… At least pinterest spewed out Batman heresy. This is just… completely unrelated… at all. Like I can’t even make fun of the fact that the maker of this bag somehow accidentally tagged it as a spiderman thing because… well no I can make fun of that I guess. Moron. Anyway that was disappointing. I’m gonna move on now before this starts making sense and I have to hit myself in the face with a mossy stapler just to salvage some manliness.
Oh also apparently Shawn is turning 3. So break out all your little three year olds so we can put them in ridiculous costumes and they can spend their high school years trying to repress the memories!!
Search 2: Batman (cause I did it on Pinterest)
Okay I admit it. That’s awesome. Mind you I’m not exactly sure what he’s climbing towards… exactly. But whatever it is probably won’t be super happy to see him. I mean you don’t scale the side of a building to attend an event that you’re supposed to attend right?
Okay what’s up with the birthday thing? Whatever happened to pin the tail on the donkey or other such passive aggressive games that crushed our childhoods and grew us into the bitter sarcastic people that we are today? Enough of this cute kerfluffiness. I say more musical chairs so we can all learn that your friends only like you until the music stops. After that it’s every child sort of person for themselves. I realize now that games like that were mostly played so the adults at parties could snigger at us quietly and make fun of our poor stupid little kid selves blindly stumbling around with a paper mache tail stabbing our friends. Anyway though…
Search 3: Doctor Who
Okay now see that’s kind of cool but you see the thing is I know that’s a Doctor Who quote. People just casually reading your bracelet are probably gonna think you have a crush on a slightly abuse guy with a super short fuse. The hard part about being a Doctor Who fan is dealing with all the people who have no clue why you’re making weird sound effects when you hold a flashlight.
Yeah… I feel like this one kind of missed the point.
Search 4: Boston Red Sox
Okay now, I love the Red Sox and all but… aren’t there, like, laws and things against that? I mean think of the poor little girl who’s gonna wear this? I can’t even decide whether it’s an apron or not let alone the fact that it looks like the sort of thing pioneers would wear. And not even like… good pioneers. Like Laura Ingalls Wilder, Little House on the Prairie sort of Pioneers who did very little actual pioneering and mostly just ate poisoned berries and had gaps in their teeth larger than the bears they swore secret alliances with. I mean it’s just weird.
And speaking of poisoned berries, that’s exactly what Fenway Park looks like if you’ve eaten poison berries just before attending a game.
Search 5: A bear.
What the dill pickle parcel? Edible earrings? That sounds painfully delicious! Of course if my wife ever wants to assassinate me this is probably the easiest way to do it. Sharp things hidden in delicious bear shaped foods. I mean I’m not an idiot but… delicious bear shaped foods? Yes. Please.
I don’t even have words for how many types of weird that is. Some sort of death bear mask… thing. Probably worn by Laura Ingalls in the aforementioned “Confluence of the Bear” ceremonies… I’m just gonna back slowly away from it and hope nobody notices. Back. Away.
And finally a special limited edition search: Penguins
Wow… yeah cause there’s nothing like a pair of soulless stuffed penguins sitting on my bed waiting to strangle me in my sleep. These are the sorts of stuffed animals that you come home and find mysteriously on your staircase staring at you. Creepy.
And really finally another search cause the last one freaked me out: Owl Hat
What the…. That’s not a hat etsy. That’s like a chrysalis. That’s the sort of thing you put your baby in until it’s old enough to work in a sweat shop while wearing the creepy red sox dress. These final searches are not comforting my soul at all. My soul is deeply troubled. Deeply. It sits and roils on the waves of a deeply chocolate covered sea of creepy people with WAY too much time on their hands.
That said… I liked etsy more than pinterest!!
So there you have it masses, my last pre-Spiderman post! Enjoy it, and I shall see you, on that glorious Monday!