Last week my wonderful awesome wife purchased me a copy of a game that I have wanted to play these many years. Or year. Or… since it came out. Anyway that game is Skyrim and this… is what went down.
Skyrim: A game as epic as its poster.
I woke up once upon a Skyrim sitting in the back of a wagon with a bunch of dudes. Naturally I assumed we were on our way to do any form of awesome manly activities such as: bear wrestling, drinking heavily, or pintrest. It wasn’t until several minutes later that I learned we were on our way to get executed. And not in a fun way, like all those fun executions I keep hearing about, no this was more in a death deather deathy way. Anyway somewhere in here the game had me create my character so I made Agandaur, awesome man-lizard warrior (somewhat to my wife’s dismay).
One of my main problems with Skyrim is it is practically impossible to make a character who doesn’t look like he routinely had his face run over by a tractor as a child and so I decided that as opposed to making a really unattractive man-person I would make a really unattractive lizard person cause (let’s be honest) who cares?
Lizard-men cause why look disgusting, when you can look REALLY disgusting… and sort of awesome.
Anyway, bear in mind that at this point I was still tied up and still about to be executed by a group called “the Imperials” for crimes I had committed called “unnamed plot related devices.”
Anyway, right as I am about to take an unceremonious walk down decapitation avenue what should arrive but a Stay of Execution from famed TV Lawyer Bob Blabla!! No, I kid. It was a dragon.
Understandably the guards were distracted by the arrival of said dragon and I managed to beat a hasty escape into a nearby hasty house. Somewhere in the rig-a-marole that followed the game offered me a classic decision. Did I want to A: Escape with the Stormcloaks (who like freedom and happiness and hot women) or B: Escape with the Imperials (who like death and judgment and chopping my head off). Needless to say, I escaped with the Stormcloaks.
The first town I wandered into was named… something…ton. And in Somethington there was some dude who wanted me to go and find a ceremonial claw that was stolen from his shop the day before. So I did. And on the way I determined that I was definitely going to be more of a bowmen than anything else. The reason for this was simple: My wife has a crush on Hawkeye. So (since I have absolutely no time to really learn how to shoot a bow) I decided to start using them in a fake imaginary world to shoot at fake imaginary people… cause that’s probably impressive right??
Anyway once I found this dude’s stupid claw thing, I ventured forth to find a bigger town with more people for me to terrorize by being a giant Lizard and asking them if they had stuff for me to do. This town’s name was Whiterun and it was MUCH bigger than Somethington and also contained a man selling horses.
Beautiful Downtown Somethington
“Horses…” I thought in my little Lizard brain. “I could probably want a horse.” And so (using that horribly grammarcized sentence) I bought a horse. And I (recently) decided to name that horse… Bilbo Baggins!!! Bilbo and I set out on our very first questing adventure (questventure) which was to find a huge scaly dragon monster and kill it. I’m honestly not sure whether this was the same dragon that got me out of being decapitated or not… and honestly I feel kinda bad about that now… man. Anyway though my first challenge was parking Bilbo someplace where he wouldn’t get eaten by said horrible scaly monster.
Killing dragons is a tricky business and my first strategy was partially based around the idea that I wouldn’t miss a huge scaly monster with my bow… which I did. A lot. In my defense the dragon was flying around in a very unsportsmanlike sort of way, and I was worried about Bilbo… and I’m sort of a horrible shot under pressure. So when the dragon landed I whipped out my sword and shield and charged nobly into battle. At which point I was nearly murdered because when a drogon is firing a six inch column of flame at you and you’re counting on a three foot shield to protect yourself from being char broiled well… you can see where this might be an issue.
Anyway I did (in the end) manage to hack the dragon to death with a sword and was thusly rewarded by a lot of people talking about how cool I was. And thus, exhausted and slightly undercooked, I went to get Bilbo and go home. But was Bilbo there?? No. Was he in the ultra-safety spot in which I left his tiny horse butt? No. Bilbo was nowhere to be seen. After many many minutes of panic I did manage to find the horse back at his stables acting like nothing was wrong… the jerk.
After Bilbo and I had a long talk about commitment and our feelings one for another I went back to the guy who had asked me to kill the Dragon and as a reward for my Dragon slaying prowess he gave me a Lydia!! Or a house… which gave me a Lydia. I’m sketchy on the details here. Basically he made me a Thane, which meant I had a House-Thane, even though I don’t have a house, though I could have a house if I hadn’t spent all my money on a horse with severe commitment issues. Regardless of all that my House-Thane’s name is Lydia and she follows me around and mostly dies or gets lost so that I have to come save her. For instance:
Lydia in all her weird hatted glory.
Whilst questing questily I was attacked by a Saber-toothed Tiger. Or a “Sabre-cat” as Skyrim calls them due to the fact that the term Sabre-toothed Tiger must be copyrighted… I guess. Anyway said Tiger started attacking me and Bilbo so I being a pragmatic person with no personal vendetta against cats decided to ignore him and just keep on riding. Which I did. And it was just as I had slowed to a nice comfortable walk and prepared for a nice journey with Bilbo at my side… or (more accurately) under my… nevermind. That what should I hear but Lydia screaming behind me as the cat beat her up!?! Now, Lydia is no damsel in distress mind you and can swing a sword with the absolute best of them but for some reason this time she decided that it would be WAY too much work to beat ONE little itty bitty kitty cat with razor sharp teeth! I know right?
So anyway, Bilbo Baggins and I went galloping back to save her! I jumped off my horse prepared to kill the cat and save the damsel when what should happen?? WHAT SHOULD HAPPEN????? The cat KILLED BILBO!! Bilbo Baggins!! And so in order to save the life of my beleaguered pony/hobbit I had to re-load the game about ten minutes into the past!! Lydia.
At the moment… in the game, not like right at this exact moment but… yeah. I’m sneaking through a cave looking for a piece of an ancient ax for my werewolf friends. Oh yeah, I’m a werewolf. Probably should have mentioned that huh? Well… that’s another story… for another time!
Hi-ho Bilbo, AWAY!!!
Thoughts We Might Have Had 