Posts Tagged ‘Zookeeper’

Our last couple articles here on Thoughts We Might Have Had have practically overflowed with the milk of human kindness! We looked back at what a great year it was, and then looked ahead at what a great year there was to come! The sun shone, the clouds whited, and birds were angrily launched at pigs. But now, dear friends of mine, it is time to look back not at the milk of human kindness but rather at the vermin infested, badger killing sludge of really bad movies.

I ran into a somewhat awkward problem whilst creating this list because I realized that while I have watched some REALLY bad films this year I honestly have probably not seen the worst of the worst. As much as I wish I had enough money and time to go and watch movies that I strongly suspected would cause me to vomit my brain into my lap: I don’t. And so I have created two separate lists MY bottom 5 movies of the year, and then the absolute bottom 5 for all the movies released this year. Let’s start with my bottom… 5 and move on from there then shall we?

Micah’s Official Worst 5 Movies of 2011.

5. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Transformers takes the dubious honor of number 5 on the list thanks to overly screamy Shia Labeuf and a first 30 minutes so incredibly dull and pointless that it practically belonged in a different movie. I could tape a live whale to Miley Cyrus and it would be more entertaining than the first thirty minutes of TF 3… in fact that would actually be really entertaining… hmmmm…

4. Limitless

Limitless is a movie that for some reason some people really really liked but honestly I did not even finish. Here’s the thing: the main character gets these pills that accelerate his brain and make him into this uber super genius typed person right? Now, if I was endowed with super intelligence by a drug you know what the very very first thing I would do would be?? Find a way to make more of said drug so that I wouldn’t run out. You know what the main character in Limitless does? Runs out of drugs!!! How do you miss that? Aside from that the rest of the movies cast was pretty shoddy and the script was pretty bad but that single gaping plot hole of doom drained any chance the movie had of being interesting… or finished.

Limitless: A very stupid movie, about a very stupid man on "smart pills".

3. Trespass

A movie that starred Nicolas Cage and the corpse of Nicole Kidman (I have rarely seen a performance where so little actual acting was done). Trespass was one of those “people breaking into a family’s home and holding them for ransom” movies. The only problem was the people who broke into the house in this movie had no idea what they were doing! Literally I have never seen such an inept, stupid, unfocused, uncommunicative, bunch of idiots in a movie since ever. Yes the acting was bad, and even the good guys seemed to have eaten heart healthy portions of Stupid-O’s with their orange juice in the morning but taking the prize for the most completely inept ever, were the villains.

I think they actually just took a carboard cut out of Nicole Kidman's face and glued it onto someone less famous for this movie.

2. Zookeeper

Zookeeper failed on many levels. Kevin James really (it turns out) is not that funny on his own, the rest of the cast was creepy and weird and dumb, and the script was almost laughably NOT funny. But nowhere did Zookeeper fail more than in the people they hired for voiceovers. All the voice work from this movie sounded like it was done by lifelong smokers who were either sucking helium or having their chests jumped on by orangutans. I have never wanted to harm an animal more, then when I watched Zookeeper. (And yes my little brother liked this movie. And yes, I love him anyway.)

And finally, the worst of the worst. The most putrid of the putrid. A movie SO bad that it outdoes badness.

1. Red Riding Hood

Amanda Seyfried starring in a movie about a wolf and two guys that can’t act. Not that Miss Seyfried can either, mind you. The climax of the badness though is undoubtedly the part of the movie where Seyfried tries to “seduce” her boyfriend by “dancing” “sultrily.” If I were to strap a dead grass hopper to a butterfly, and then put that butterfly inside the wreckage of the titanic I would be more likely to feel attraction towards that grasshopper then to Amanda Seyfried’s dance routine. A movie so bad it literally made me think less of Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman!! It was that bad.

Well I feel liberated! Here’s a quick list of movies that were horribly bad (according to both me and everyone else) that I did not force myself to sit through!

The Bottom 5 Dishonorable Mention Hall of Fame

The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn Part 1 – a staple and a stable of bad movie lists everywhere. A movie that features emotionless characters, emotionless actors, and plots that make so little sense that you’d have to be a teenage girl to understand them.

Just Go With It and Jack and Jill – hey remember when Adam Sandler was funny? I miss those days… I miss them a lot.

Abduction – A movie built around the idea that Taylor Lautner can act… tee-hee… wow… I can’t even type that with a straight face.

Taylor Lautner: infinite proof that you don't need to be able to act to be an actor!

Creature – and ending our list with the official worst grossing movie of all time (with 1,000 or more theater openings) Creature! A “horror” movie about stupid people, a haunted cabin, and a weregator… alliwere… Gatorwere. There you go: a gaterwere.

And there you have it friends! The worst movies of last year! Now we can move on into this next year with hope in our hearts and a smile on our lips. Let us not just survive our past but learn from it! Amanda Seyfried, please stop.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes is one of the last movies on my: “Movies I want to Watch this Summer” list. And since I don’t really have anything better to do, I figured I would go ahead and pass out our first annual Thoughts We Might Have Had “Totally Not Planned Out and Utterly Inconsequential Awards of the Summer Awards!” Or the TNPOUIASA’s for short.

The TNPOUIASA's a lot like the Oscars, but with no actual significance.

So let’s get the ball rolling with the movies of May and our first big blockbuster of the summer…

 Thor: A movie I was surprised at how much I enjoyed! I figured it would mostly just be a weird movie all about Greek gods that I wouldn’t really care about, but HUGE props go to main character Chris Hemsworth and director Kenneth Braunaugh for making Thor human enough for me to want him to succeed. Thor is living proof that comic book movies don’t have to be dark and gritty and Batman to be good. It was a great movie, with a fantastic setting, and an actor who was perfectly cast! And Thor’s award is: “Pleasentast Surprise!!” (Yes Pleasantast is a word) (Editor’s note: No it’s not.)

Next we have… Priest: Priest was a movie that was supposed to come out, like, a year ago but just kept getting delayed because the world is a dumb place. The movie starred Paul Bettany as a largely silent protagonist in a post apocalyptic world where the human race was being attacked by vampires who were led by Karl Urban. If that sounds interesting to you, you will probably like it. If it doesn’t: then you won’t. It’s a very cut and dry film that doesn’t try and be anything more then what it is. That said it had an absolutely amazing killing move in it that takes my award for: “Kill That Was Amazingly Hilarious, While Also Being Completely Impossible.”

 Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Search for More Ways to Make Pirates Movies… I mean… On Stranger Tides. I liked On Stranger Tides. It wasn’t as good as the original Pirates but it was certainly better then the second and third movie so hey, why not. Johnny Depp and Geoffrey Rush are still awesome and the script writing is still good enough to make me care. A little. Pirates 4 takes the award for: “Scene That Most Made Me Want a Breakfast Roll.”

 Kung Fu Panda 2:  KFP 2 wins the award for: “Movie That I Didn’t Actually Watch.”

And that finishes May! Now on to June!

 X-Men: First Class: A great movie starring some really great actors in Michael Fassbender and James McAvoy! One of the many very cool period movies this summer, X-men set an awesome 70’s sort of atmosphere while somehow also working in mutant super powers and girls who spit acid. X-men wins the award for: “Most References to Male Baldness.” Seriously, like four or five times James McAvoy made jokes about losing his hair. The first couple were funny. After that it just got creepy.

 Super 8: In addition to taking second place in the “Movie That I Didn’t Actually Watch” category, Super 8 takes the “Movie That Ran the Most Annoying Adds” award! Congratulations Super 8. I literally did not watch you out of pure spite.

 Green Lantern: I reviewed Green Lantern, so I won’t say too much about it except that it won the award for: “Movie That Wanted to Have the Joker in it the Most.”

 Transformers: Dark of the Moon: The Transformers series came to an end (supposedly) this summer and went out on an okay note. It wasn’t great, it wasn’t bad, it just sort of was. Transformers wins the award for: “Somehow Finding an Actress Of a Different Nationality Who Looked Almost Exactly Like the Actress You Used to Have.” I have no idea whereMichaelBay grew what’s-her-name that girl who took Megan Fox’s place but for a series that was supposedly “moving on” the two actresses look almost uncannily similar.

Okay we’re almost there folks! On to July!!

 Zookeeper: A movie I already reviewed that takes the prize for: “Movie That Most Made Me Want to Abuse an Animal… and/or Kevin James.”

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2: In addition to taking the award for: “Longest Movie Title of the Summer.” HP: TDHP2 takes the award for: “Movie that Got Me the Closest to Weeping Like a Little Girl.” Thank you Harry Potter.

 Captain America: The First Avenger: A movie that made a good run for longest title but fell short. CaptainAmerica wins the award for “Best Tommy Lee Jones.”

 Crazy, Stupid, Love: A movie that I did watch but did not review cause it absolutely dominated the award for: “Biggest Meh.” The only thing worse then a bad movie is a movie that I don’t care about. At least a bad movie means I can tear the thing apart with my razor witticisms. Crazy, Stupid, Love was a movie that was just good enough to not let me completely condemn it, but just dumb enough to make me loathe most of it. It also wins the award for: “Biggest Waste of a Name.” I mean, can you imagine the great jokes I could make with that title? Jokes like: “Crazy, Stupid, Love is lacking in love, but abundant in crazy stupid.” or “You’ll be crazy about Crazy, Stupid, Love. If you love stupid.” or “You’ll stupid love Crazy, Stupid, Love if you stupid love crazy love crazy stupid cra…” okay so I ran out of steam there, but come on! It’s comedy gold! Stupid movie and it’s not being stupid… (continued grumbling)…

We’ll skip over Cowboys and Aliens cause I just reviewed it which leaves us with…

 The Rise of the Planet of the Apes: Once again I haven’t watched this movie yet but I’m gonna give it the award for: “Movie I Didn’t Care About At All but am Now Incredibly Intrigued By.” I figured this would be just another entry in a tired series that refuses to admit that the only good Planet of the Apes was the original one. It’s like people who keep insisting on releasing sequels to Disney movies that don’t need sequels. Cinderella 2? Really? What possible plot points weren’t tied up in the original movie TWENTY YEARS AGO!?!? My spit riddled ranting aside; I have actually seen anything but good reviews on The Rise. Andy Serkis (who “played” Gollum in Lord of the Rings) has supposedly worked his magic once again as he “portrays” the starring ape: Caesar. I’m still fairly skeptical about the whole thing, but definitely intrigued. More on this when I actually watch the movie.

Well thus concludes our first TNPOUIASA’s. Thanks for reading Thoughts We Might Have Had and have a great weekend!