Posts Tagged ‘X-men: Apocalypse’

Well hello Internet, and welcome to our 5th yes, FIFTH, annual Thoughts We Might Have Had Summer Movie Awards. The Awards show that rewards, excellence, creativity, and sharks. So let’s put on our finest outfits, toss back some alcohols, and get ready to remember all the good times, and try desperately to drink away the bad.

TWMHH: 2016 Summer Movie Awards

Biggest Goldblum Waste – Independence Day Resurgance

goldblum

Oh Jeff, we hardly knew ye.

 

I weirdly watched a LOT of Jeff Goldblum movies this summer. I marathoned the Jurassic Park movies with my wife, and then jumped straight into the original Independence Day and you know what I realized? Jeff Goldblum is actually pretty dang talented. He’s really good. Charming, funny, easy to root for, I don’t believe he hasn’t been in more things honestly, so, needless to say, I was really excited to see him back in his old Indpendence Day roll, and he did really well… except he wasn’t actually in it that much. In fact he was barely in it at all. What?!?! I say to you again: WHAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!? Not only did you make a mediocre movie that felt like an 80s movie (but in a very not good way) you didn’t use what was inarguably your best asset?? Such a bluming waste.

Best kids movie – Finding Dory

Oh look, it’s a Pixar movie. And it was the best one of the summer. This award is just getting boring at this point. It’s the Simone Biles of categories, you know who’s going to win before you even start. Finding Dory was a brilliantly put together, well cast movie, that was both great for kids, and taught some excellent lessens to kids and adults. I mean, the third act kind of stumbled a bit towards the end and it wasn’t in the same category as Inside Out but it was definitely a great movie, and easily the best kids movie of the summer.

Most unnecessary sequel – Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles 2

Another great year for this depressing category. I mean the competition ranged from Now You See Me 2, to Ice Age Whatever the heck number it is, to The Purge 3 (for some reason), and even tread into comedy with Neighbors 2. Just so much sequelage. That no one asked for. But TMNT 2 easily took the prize this year not just because it itself was terrible, but because it was the sequel to universally disliked movie. I mean… why? Who gives these people money?? WHY do they give them money? It’s just… why?

Biggest Meh: Warcraft

A movie that was supposed to finally get the video game to movie transition right, and ended up just being just another movie that couldn’t reconcile itself with its own larger world. A movie that was weighed down by its own video game lore, and by the large accrued by its cast.

warcraft

For those of you wondering: yes, I have made that joke before.

 

Borringest name: Jason Bourne

“Who’s in this movie??”

“Jason Bourne.”

“Let’s just named it that.”

“Okay but… you see sir, we’ve named all the other movies with the whole ‘The Bourne: Something’ theme. Wouldn’t it be literally a million times easier for the audience, and more in line with the rest of the series if we carried on with that.”

“Nope. We’re calling it Jason Bourne.”

“Fine, but we’re gonna put more effort into the script and the story than we did the title right?”

“Sure… yeah… definitely.”

Most Unnecessary Caring: Ghostbusters

Look, I thought the backlash from this movie was stupid, unnecessary, and sad. I just wish it had been a better movie. It wasn’t a bad movie: it was fine. The cast made an unremarkable script better than it could have been, but they just didn’t have enough to work with. In the end I guess the good news is it seems even all the haters and internet types have moved on to something else and I’m sure they’ll find a way to ruin something else, but I just wish the movie had been great. But it was not.

Most Shark: The Shallows

The Shallows was a surprisingly good, very taught, well told movie. But the real shocker here is that somehow The Shallows stole the incredibly coveted (and not made up) Most Shark Award from Finding Dory. I mean… WHAT?!?!?!?!?

shark

Fish are friends, she’s food.

 

Most Abs: The Legend of Tarzan

You can say that this movie was unoriginal, unimaginative, and bland but you can’t say it didn’t have sweet sweet abs.

_B4B2657.dng

I wasn’t gonna put a picture here, but I didn’t want to deal with the angry letters asking why I had turned down a chance to put ab to screen.

 

Least Surprises – X-men: Apocalypse

This movie even felt extremely unsurprised in this movie. The characters were characters we know just sort of… again. Magneto went on the same journey he’s gone on the last four movies, people had cool superpowers until it was convenient to the story for them not to have them, and Angel was a really stupid mutant with dumb powers.

angel

Look out he might… wing at you… or something.

 

Even Apocalypse himself just sort of walked around and stared at things and talked incessantly about exactly what he was going to do, just in case the audience wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. The whole thing was just… predictable.

Movie No One Cared About – Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Sigh. I just… Nah. I’m not talking about this.

Movie I Saw the Least – Nine Lives

9

The real question is: How did they get Kevin Spacey to be in this train wreck??

 

Look, movies where uppity businessmen get turned into something (animals, family members… Herbie??) and then reconnect with their families are nothing new. This one had the slight intrigue of featuring both Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, but in the end (to the great surprise of no one) it was the worst, clocking in at a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. And thusly: I did not see it.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Suicide Squad

The got me again guys. I really thought DC was gonna put out a good movie… and they didn’t. It was real bad. Certain parts of it worked, specifically the cast who all did very good work, but the script and the editing just slaughtered what could have been a really good movie. I was talking to a friend yesterday about DC’s almost mystifying inability to create even a decent movie. Like not even “yeah that was pretty good.” Which they really should be able to do, they’ve got interesting characters, and can obviously attract talented actors, so why can’t they make a movie that hits even a medium level of goodness??? It really is just bizarre at this point.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Star Trek: Beyond

Look guys: I was real wrong on this one. For some reason I just couldn’t really get into Star Trek: Beyond, but honestly it was super fun. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and the final battle was easily one of the best pulled off ideas I’ve seen. It was fantastic. The cast was great, the script was good, and it just felt like the big, fun, summer movie we hadn’t really gotten since May. It’s still in most theaters so if you haven’t seen it yet I HIGHLY recommend it.

Movie of the Summer – Captain America: Civil War

Civil War

As if it could be anything else.

 

Yep, it was the first real summer movie, and it was the best. The story, the acting, the visuals, the fight scenes. It was all here. And it was all great. I mean how can you not appreciate a movie that not only, is yet another sterling entry (and an argument could be made that it’s the best entry) in the anti-DC fun times Marvelverse, but also saves Spiderman!! I mean come on!

So there you go guys, another year, another set of summer movie awards. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Tuesday for another reader mailbag so submit your questions to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Well Internet, I hath returned. Like warm spring mornings after a cold winter. Like the gossamer leaves of a mighty oak after a long fall. Like indigestion after an oe’r hastily eaten meal. I’m back, and I bring with me, like the rarest of spices from the orient, a review. A movie review, of a pretty okay movie.

Micah Reviews: X-men: Apocalypse.

Ah the X-men franchise, the great grandfather of the super hero franchise. Unlike the great Grandmother of the super-hero franchise (Spiderman) the X-men franchise seems to be plugging along just fine. It had a few rough years there with X-men 3 and Wolverine: Origins but it was re-invigorated by X-men: First Class, and the follow up X-men: Days of Future Past was a solid (albeit less inventive) entry into the series. So can Apocalypse keep the X-men franchise rolling? Or does this series need yet another shot of new blood?

X-Men-Apocalypse

Worst family photo ever.

The Plot:

So… many and many a year ago in a Kingdom by the Sea, there was a mutant named umm… Something Egyptiany. And he was the king!! For reasons. But it seems not everyone was super okay being ruled by a giant blue man with weird looking armor , and so (in typical Egyptian fashion) they dropped a Pyramid on him. Cause that’s how they be triangulating.

untitled

That’ll give you a headache.

Many MANY years later some people digging around under Egypt unearth his tomb and thus an extremely predictable, and uninteresting sequence of events is set into motion. Over the course of these events many and many bland people will do things in a bland way, for bland and uninteresting purposes. It’s a joy and a thrill…Assuming you have never EVER been to the movies, or seen a movie.

The Positives:

Look, there’s nothing incredibly broken with this movie. But there’s also nothing especially good about any one part of it. But because I went to all the trouble of typing “The Positives” up there I guess I have to come up with something. The cast is probably the strongest thing this movie, Michael Fassbender and James McCavoy are just locked into these characters and do some genuinely good work. The rest of the cast does well on the whole but, honestly, most of them just don’t have anything to do. Very few characters go through any meaningful change, or show any real emotional range, and it really doesn’t matter who the actor is if all he or she is being asked to do is stare blankly ahead at something.

x

These people will do… something??? Maybe.

The Negatrons:

There’s no one thing that makes X-men: Apocalypse not work. It’s not even really a bad movie, it’s just a movie that doesn’t seem to care that much. The word you’re gonna read a lot here is gonna be “lazy” it’s a VERY lazy movie. For instance:

The script just feels tired and uninterested. Characters regularly and clearly state their intents or powers. “I’m telepathic, that means I can hear what people say” says Jean Grey when asked about her powers. “Unleash Havoc!!” Says Professor X when trying to get Havoc to unleash his powers. It’s like they wrote a very rough draft and then never went back to refine the lines. The same can be said for the story here which is basically exactly what you think it will be from the trailers. It never deviates or twists at all except for the inevitable “Magneto is evil, is Magneto really evil???” Storyline which ends exactly like it has the last three times we saw it. It’s not a bad storyline, it’s just a lazy one that unfolds exactly like you think it should and ends (like you expect it to) with everyone working together.

The fight scenes also ring of laziness not relying on any sort of finesse or choreography, but instead involving a light of quick cuts and people shooting beams at each other. It’s not poorly done or uninteresting, but it’s nothing you haven’t seen before.

The movie does have two big problems: the first is it just has too many characters. And because of that it doesn’t really get to spend time developing any of them. Everyone just sort of stands around and waits for their turn to have an emotion but you never really get a sense for who any of them are or why we should care about them. We spend so much time bouncing around between characters and locations that none of it really has any sticking power at all and it leaves an already uninspired movie to try and muddle through with an uninteresting cast of characters.

But the biggest problem with X-men: Apocalypse is, in point of fact, Apocalypse himself. We spend a huge chunk of our time with him and all of it feels wasted. He just sort of looks at things with his unreadable blue face and occasionally gives long speeches in a monotone voice that relay the same information through out. “Stop touching my things” Apocalypse says over and over and over again. He’s just a big blue block of nothing and for some reason the makers of X-men thought he was fantastic. If Marvel is looking for a blue print (pun intended) on how not to do Thanos, this is it. Basically the movie became those parents who think they’re child is the best recorder player ever, and so you have to sit and listen to them play “hot cross buns” over and over and over again except in this case the recorder is a huge, blue, block of uninteresting blue cheese.

xmen

Worst recorder… ever.

In conclusion:

X-men: Apocalypse isn’t a terrible movie. It’s not Fantastic Four or Batman V Superman, it has a strong cast, good visuals, and it’s not a terrible story at its core. That said, it doesn’t do anything with any of those elements, the cast is under-utilized, the visuals have been done before, and the story is crippled by a very uninteresting villain and stiff dialogue.

I give it 3 Blue Recorders out of 5.

Well guys, we’re back. Back at the official kickoff of summer, summer movies, and my annual set of lengthy summer tanning expeditions… I mean questions. Summer questions. As a rule, I do not go outside. Ever.

Question 1: Can Captain America: Civil War live up to the hype??

Marvel’s first movie of the year has been the official start of the summer for a while now and after last years somewhat disappointing (though I really liked it) Age of Ultron, this years entry looks to build on with the Russo brothers as the official new Grand High Highnesses of the Marvel Universe.

Civil War

Oh yeah… it’s gonna be that good. And also in Spanish… apparently.

 

Honestly, everything I’ve heard about Civil War so far has been VERY positive. Great outing for Cap and Iron Man alike and a good balance between Marvel’s more lighthearted take on comics, and some increased drama as heroes face off. I’ve really been trying to temper my own expectations but as of now I think this thing is gonna be fantastic. Really looking forward to seeing how these events change things up headed into Infinity Wars and excited to see some good old fashioned hero faceoffs! Welcome back Marvel, we missed you!!

Question 2: Do we really need an Angry Birds movie?

Probably not. I mean I don’t think this will be a bad movie but I don’t expect it to reach anything beyond “decent kids movie” status. The trailers look fine, the story seems passable, and the voice cast looks good but I haven’t seen anything to show me that this is even TRYING to be anything more than a decent kids movie. Which is fine. Be decent. Do you. Bird Angry.

angry bird

So he’s flying… just like in that game you played two years ago… while you were in the bathroom.

 

Question 3: Do we need Alice in Wonderland: Through the Looking Glass even less?

Ha ha ha. Yes. Very much so. This thngs gonna suck real bad. And that’s not just me saying that, Disney thinks this thing is gonna suck. Why else would they bury it by releasing on the same day as X-men: Apocalypse? Disney doesn’t want you to watch this movie. They just green-lit it at some point because they have ALL the money and it was either make Alice in Wonderland 2, or enslave a small nation state in Europe.

Trailers have looked kinda sad and soulless, Johnny Depp looks entirely asleep, and Mia Wasichowski… well it’s really hard to tell what’s going on with her… what with that one facial expression and all.

Question 4: How Hilariously bad will The Trust be?

Oh. Oh it’s gonna be great. In it’s hilarious badness. I mean look at this poster!

trust

It’s like they’re trying to make bad movies at this point.

 

Appreciate the Nic Cage Mustache. The Elijah Wood drug addict beard. Whatever is happening on both of their respective heads. I mean this is a perfect storm of wonderfully bad things.

Question 5: How will X-men Apocalypse measure up?

The X-men franchise has been… reliably good. X-men: First Class is still probably the best movie in the series but Days of Future past was pretty good. Apocalypse seems like it will be good. I’m not expecting greatness here, X-men tends to be a little heavy handed with the drama and a little soft handed with the character development… Soft handed is probably pretty weird huh? Gonna need to never say that again.

xmen

Alas Poor Yorick… I crushed him well.

 

Anywho, I’m waiting for this streak of good movies to end… I don’t think this is it, but I don’t think it will be awesome. I’m expecting a solid movie here. Nothing great, nothing terrible. I’ll watch it, I’ll enjoy it, we’ll all listen to Sophie Turner try really hard to do an American accent… and probably not do real well.

So there you go guys! Your first batch of Summer Questions for ye olde 2016!! Check back next week for more questions, and potentially FAR less answers.

Internet!! What’s the shizzle? Before we get to the main course of today’s blog-meal let’s start of with some delicious blogssert. I am VERY excited to announce that we will be releasing an all new video version of Thoughts We Might Have Had! Check Youtube tomorrow afternoon and you’ll be able to see a brand new version of our little website. We paired up with the awesome folks over at OtherVision.net and they allowed us to use their awesome state of the art studio to spread the word of Thoughts We Might Have Had throughout the video world. So check back here tomorrow and watch the video!

But moving on, so yesterday DC Comics came out with their big and official MOVIE SLATE! And, because what’s the fun of anything happening unless I can compare and contrast it with something else: let’s go ahead and talk Marvel vs. DC vs. other companies that happen to own marvel characters for the next two years!

2014: We’re pretty much done with our super-heroes this year. Thanks Guardians of the Galaxy and Cap 2. You were awesome!

2015:  May 1st– Avengers: Age of Ultron

Best. Thing. Ever. I don’t even know what else to say about it but that. Awesomeness. Avengers was arguably the bset thing to happen to comic book movies since… ever. Avengers 2  introduces Ultron as a new (and awesome) villain and puts back together the world’s awesomest heroes led by the world’s awesomest writer: Joss Whedon. Yeah… that’ll work.

I feel like they don't even need to put out a trailer. Just show this picture for a minute and a half and we will be there.

I feel like they don’t even need to put out a trailer. Just show this picture for a minute and a half and we will be there.

June 19th – Fantastic Four.

I’ve never gotten the fantastic four. The “power of being stretchy” is probably the worst thing ever and the Thing is basically just a really terrible version of the Hulk who says “it’s clobberin’ time” a lot. Plus the last movie (and then the last movie before that movie) we’re horrible. Terrible. And horrible. I know this is an all new crew, with new writers and a new cast but it’s like going to a restaurant and eating the worst meal of your life, and then you get home and you have food poisoning, and then a bear comes and breaks into your house and steals your TV. Then a year later you go back and the place is under new management and has a new chef but they still serve the exact same meals.  And sure those meals are being cooked by different people now but… are you super excited to eat that?

July 17th – Antman.

Still not sold on this either. “I can shrink” “I can grow” powers aren’t exactly show stopping. I mean, at the moment they’re talking this will be more of a heist movie and I guess that could work. Marvel has done a really good job of crafting they’re movies to fit their characters so we’ll see what happens here.

Antman, a serious danger... if you're picnicking.

Antman, a serious danger… if you’re picnicking.

2016: March 25th Batman 5 Superman: Dawn of Justice.

I’ve talked at great length about this movie. I am not excited for it. Batman might be cool, Superman will be the weird out of touch dark Superman from the last movie, there will be a TON of other characters in here to the point where it will start to feel like a trailer for the Justice League rather then being, ya know, a good movie.

May 6th– Captain America 3.

Current rumors have Robert Downey Jr.  appearing in this and it being a launching point for a Civil War storyline which could be awesome! We’ll have to see though, the whole “Civil War” thing has been done a lot so it may just be more rumors from the mill but we shall have to see. Regardless it stands to be a good movie and as the first true follow up to Age of Ultron it’ll be interesting to see where that movie leaves our intrepid heroes.

May 27th – X-men: Apocalypse.

The first follow up after the excellent X-men: Days of Future Past , Apocalypse has a lot of ground to cover and some interesting directions to go in since they re-booted all their characters. Who knows maybe they can make Cyclops into less of a jerk… though honestly I doubt it.

2 Untitled movies, 1 for DC, 1 for Marvel.

Smart money is on this being Doctor Strange for Marvel and (possibly) a Suicide Squad movie for DC. Doctor Strange is its own thing and could work super well. Suicide Squad is basically just a bunch of villains wandering around punching people but hey, it can be very entertaining to be a bunch of villains punching people in the face.

November 11th – Sinister Six 

Not exactly a picture full of win.

Not exactly a picture full of win.

And speaking of villains punching people in the face here’s another villain centered movie, but this one features the Green Goblin and then five other FAR FAR less interesting villains. I mean Doc Ock? Vulture? Rhino? Kraven? These aren’t just “not interesting” some of them are openly and brazenly ridiculous. I’m not saying it 100 percent can’t be a good movie, I’m just saying it’s definitely on an uphill slope in the good movie direction. I’m saying it will probably fall down and break its crown.

Okay, so that’s the next two years anyway! At this point I’m not going any further because frankly there’s speculating and then there’s looking ahead more than two years and speculating wildly. Regardless of what DC and Marvel are telling you. So thanks for reading guys, gonna be an interesting year or two. Check back next week for more movies and check in tomorrow for some brand new awesome!!

Man is it STILL September?? Why? And how much longer? Why is there nothing happening in theaters? The thing I am most excited about right now is the premiere of Gotham which I haven’t seen yet because I refuse to pay for cable and Hulu doesn’t put it up till later today. So here I sit twiddling my thumbs (metaphorically) and trying to come up with something to write about… ummmm…. Ya know what we haven’t done in forever?? Weekly headlines. And just because this is a comic site and there is nothing I love in the world so much as hilarious irony I’m still gonna call it:

Weekly Headlines 9-23-14

So the new Terminator movie is gonna be called Terminator: Genisys because who needs spelling??? First we had blatant disregard for the rules of grammar with Batman 5 Superman: Dawn of Justice and now we’re just spelling thigns however we want to. We just randomly decided to throw letters into a pile and see what happens. How did that meeting go exactly?

Business Guy 1: So what if we called it Terminator: Genesis? Ya know? Like a fresh start and stuff.

Business Guy 2: No. I don’t like it. I feel like it’s been done before.

Business Guy 1: Okay… well what if we still called it Terminator: Genesis but I had my four year old daughter spell genesis?

Business Guy 1: That seems like a wonderful idea!! Cause we all know that a great way to show originality and intelligence is to spell things incorrectly!!

CBS recently picked up Supergirl for a TV series!! Not super surprising given the rising wave of B list Superheroes making A list money on the small screen. It’s not the worst idea ever in the world though I think there are probably other heroes I’d rather see then “a female version of Superman” because let’s be honest Superman isn’t exactly the most original idea ever had for a super-hero in the first place. I’m not saying it won’t be a good show, I just wish that when we sat down to make something involving superheroes we didn’t automatically think: “What’s the most obvious set of powers possible and how can we use those for this?”

Supergirl like Superman except... umm... a skirt.

Supergirl like Superman except… umm… a skirt.

Bryan Singer signed on to direct X-men: Apocalypse AND says that he (probably) will be recasting Storm, Cyclops, and Jean Grey. First off: great news for the X-men franchise since Singer has easily been the best X-men director by far and secondly because the last people to play Jean, Cyclops, and Storm were SUPER whiny and annoying, a complete jerk, and unable to decide whether or not they had an accent (respectively.) If Mr. Singer casts a corn flake, a cabbage patch kid, and a used Dove chocolate wrapper it will SIGNIFICANTLY improve my relationships with the characters.

Did you know there was a film festival called: Fantastic Fest??? Tee-hee.

Dolphin Tale 2 is in theaters. For some reason.

Dolphin Tale 2 because the gripping excitement of Dolphin Tale 1 just couldn't hit into one movie.

Dolphin Tale 2 because the gripping excitement of Dolphin Tale 1 just couldn’t hit into one movie.

Maze Runner won the box office this week (though winning is a strong word for September.) It’s a movie about (believe it or not) a kid who runs… through mazes. But apparently that’s entertaining cause people seem to like it.

Hulu recently purchased the rights to make a series out of Stephen King’s 11/26/63 story.  For you non-King-ites 11/22/63 is a time travely sort of story focused around the events of JFK’s assassination.  It’s very Stephen King. As we learned in Under the Dome Season 1 Stephen King things can be awesome. But, as we learned in Under the Dome Season 2 Stephen King things can also make very little sense and have incredibly plot hole filled scripts… so it’s a toss up.

Someone is making a sequel to Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters… Folks this may be the single worst non-murder idea in the history of man. Cause nothing says “make a sequel” like a poorly written, badly executed, paper thin plotted, movie that made almost ZERO money. At least for the most part Hollywood just makes sequels to bad movies that make a lot of money. I don’t know who benefits from making a sequel to this movie. Is someone at the studio related to the movie?? Is that possible?  Can I be related to the Dark Knight? How creepy is this getting?

And finally, Star Trek 3 is rumored to have William Shatner in it. Let me explain this in easy terms: THIS IS A TERRIBLE IDEA. Please don’t do this to Star Trek. I liked Star Trek 1 and Star Trek 2 was awesome. And amazing. And wonderful. And I may be related to it. For the most part I try and ignore the whole time travel thing but it’s at least okay because Leanard Nemoy is awesome and he looks like a zombie and sounds like Darth Vader. William Shatner looks like the Pillsbury Doughboys grandfather and acts with all the subtle skill of a drunk one eyed panda-goose. Boom. Micah-OUT!!