Posts Tagged ‘World of Warcraft’

Well hey guys, and welcome to June. A month primarily known for being before July. I mean, I got married in June and June was REAL excited about it. Nothing happens in June, or at least nothing good. And yes: I’m looking at you Warcraft. But more on that in a paragraph.

Weekly Headlines 6/1/2016

Well, it’s been a paragraph guys, so let’s talk about Warcraft. You know how I’ve been increasingly worried that the movie would suck?? It kinda sucks. It seems to have fallen to that classic book/video game problem of being stuck between trying to tell a new story, trying to pay service to its fans, and trying to bring in casual non-fans. It’s a tough line to walk, and for every movie that does it successfully (Lord of the Rings) there are about ten that do it unsuccessfully (The Mortal Instruments, The last two Hunger Games movies, The Host, 6 other examples.) It’s a tough thing to do, and Warcraft has not done it.

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The good news is we didn’t spend a lot on CGI… oh wait.

So Daniel Craig is officially out as James Bond Angry Face. Look, of the four movies Craig was in 2 were good (Skyfall, and Casino Royale) one was fine (Spectre) and one was real real bad (Quantum of Solace) and really that’s not a bad run as James Bond. But that’s over now. Thank you Mr. Craig, you may go home now. So who’s next?? Well the current favorite seems (note the SEEMS) to be Tom Hiddleston. Who is unequivocally a great choice. Maybe take Bond away from Craigs sort of stone face machoness and make him a little more fun? After all if James Bond has been good at anything over the years it’s been mimicking whatever is popular in the action genre at the time, Craig’s Bond was a reaction to Jason Bourne for instance. The popular thing now though is sort of the wise cracking, smart mouthed, Tony Stark style action hero and Hiddleston could definitely do that. So more power to Mr. Hiddleston, but really, whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s James Bond… it’ll be fine.

The Power Rangers producer says he’s anticipating 7-8 Power Rangers movies in the new franchise. I mean on the one hand… I guess??? I mean we’re on 6 Transformers movies and the absolute best one of those was the first one which was “Surprisingly not entirely terrible.” You don’t even need to make a good movie to continue to make movies anymore, all you need is a fan base that for some unknown reason keeps coming to the theater. That said: there will not be 7 Power Rangers movies. Heck I’ll be surprised if there are 3 Power Rangers movies. The first movie will come out and it will be bad but not TOO bad and it will make some money, so some hammered brained studio exec somewhere will say “WE CAN FIX IT!!!” and they’ll make a second movie, which will be terrible and make no money and the franchise will die. So it is spoken, so let it be done.

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Power Rangers??? I guess???

Speaking of doomed franchises: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Sorry about the First One.” Comes out this week… and it’s real bad. Some would say worse than the first one, some would say worse than ANY one. Like literally, any one thing. Ever. Dead muskrat corpse?? Worse. Thanks for making a sequel guys. All the people who could have used that 70 million dollars you spent on this, really appreciate it.

Pitch Perfect 3 has been pushed from July 2017 to December 2017. I mean whatever, I’m sad that this won’t be out in July but this means Christmas songs. Pitcher Perfect with Christmas songs?? That’ll work.

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I don’t know, ladies, but it’s apparently not English majors…

On DVD this week Gods of Egypt and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, easily the most rentable movies ever. I mean no one wants to pay 10 dollars to watch these train wrecks… but don’t you kind of want to see the train wreck?? And the train wreck does have some interesting parts… so rent it. It wasn’t worth ten dollars, but it’s probably worth 1.99. Probably.

Finally: two TV shows are trying to cash in on 80’s franchises and they both look terrible. Lethal Weapon seems like it’s gonna be a bored, tired, has been done better cop show. And MacGyver, which is a series idea that has not aged well. I mean in the 80’s if someone told you that you could make a nuclear reactor out of a paper clip, two pieces of gum, and a toaster you would believe them. Technology was magic back then.

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Of course, the part of MacGyver’s hair was played by two actual ferrets.

For all we knew the only difference between a toaster and a nuclear reactor WAS a piece of gum. This however is 2016. Every third video on my Facebook page is some moron telling me how to make a lampshade out of an old computer and a t-shirt. Everyone can be MacGyver. Everyone with the patience to sit through YouTube ads.

There you have it guys, have a great week, and check in Friday when I preview the movies of June!!

My gripes World of Warcraft are well documented. In fact they’re well documented right here! However after a hoard (World of Warcraft pun right there. Yeah, what now?) of e-mails from people assuring me that: “the game is a ton better now” and “they’ve fixed a lot of the issues in the latest updates” and “if you invest just 50 dollars in our product you can get up to 10,000 dollars in return” I decided action had to be taken!

Three things contributed to this action:

1. The aforementioned small tidal wave of people who besmirched my good name.

2. They just announced that World of Warcraft is now free-to-play until you get to level 20 (as much as I love this site I was not about to run off and pay Blizzard (the makers of WoW) to let me find out if I still hate their game)

3. I was cleaning my room and found the old World of Warcraft CD that I bought in undergrad.

All this basically meant that all I had to do to please the masses was install the game on my computer and dedicate a couple hours to wandering around Azeroth (the country wherein World of Warcraft occurs). I wasn’t entirely sure I was going to do it even with all these things in mind but my girlfriend had to work all day Saturday and I woke up early cause my body clock hates me so it was either play World of Warcraft for a few hours or… I don’t know… do something productive… ew.

So I installed the game on my computer. This took about a half-hour, longer then I hoped but it gave me time to take a shower and eat breakfast so hey, why not! Then the game had to download some updates, this took about an hour. Longer then I had hoped but hey, I got to watch a Doctor Who episode so why not. Then (just as I got all ready to play) the game had to download MORE updates. This took about an hour and a half! But hey it gave me time to write a novel, solve a Rubik’s cube, and come up with a solution for the economic crises so hey, WHY NOT!

Anyway after eating another meal, that I made from scratch… out of ingredients I gathered from the field of the sun I was finally ready to play World of Warcraft. Now, we could do what we normally do at this point, which is allow me to narrate the game for you using my sarcastic whit and biting humor, but just to mix things up a little bit what say we take this from the perspective of the character I was playing as? After all this is a role-playing game right? So let’s do some ROLEPLAY!!

(I’ll be speaking from inside these brackety things throughout just to give you an idea of what’s going on. I made a Draenei, basically a big blue cow/octopus person with a tail. I was informed through narration that my ship had crash landed and that everyone needed my help to survive!!)

A Day in the Life: World of Warcraft

Our stories hero!

Dear Mom,

Arrived at… here… safely. And when I say “safely” I mean my ship crashed and I was unconscious for five days. Please don’t worry. I woke up and still have the wooden hammer that Uncle Billford gave me before I left home. The guy who was my Doctor immediately told me to go talk to someone without so much as an “I hope you’re feeling better” or “here’s a cookie and some orange juice.” The jerk.

Anyway, I went and talked to someone who told me that they’ve been having problems with some of the giant moths that were floating around and asked me to bring him five moth tentacles to prove that I knew what part of the moth the tentacle was or something (all you people who told me that: “they have less quests where you just have to kill things and gather stuff” please punch yourself… now).

So I killed some moths with my hammer, ripped some tentacles off, and brought them back to the dude. He sent me to some other women who was having issues with something she called “Creeper mutants” (originally I thought these would be men with large moustaches hanging around a day care but they turned out just to be crawly white things that looked like acne come to life) and asked me to kill ten of those. I went down and merrily started wailing away with the hammer and was totally minding my own business when a flower ATTACKED ME! Seriously. A flower. Anyway the dumb thing almost killed me so I ate some bread and felt a little bit better (bread is a great cure-all in WoW).

I killed a couple more mutants, went back and talked to the lady, and she told me that she now wanted me to go kill seven walking flowers of Death! (That’s not what they’re actually called) Fortunately, I also learned a new move that the guy teaching it to me called “judgment” but that I call “A golden hammer falls from the sky and crushes stuff AWESOMENESS.” My name is, granted, less convenient. Armed with this newfound power I confidently marched out and laid WASTE to the flowers. Hammers fell like rain, mom. Like. Rain.

I stomped back over the severed petals of my enemies and after a couple more random jobs around the crash site a guy told me he was sending me up into the mountains. “The mountains?” I thought. “Well I better go by some new gear!” So I spent the money I had made on various hammer/judgment missions on a new chain-mail shirt and a big old ax. Tell Uncle Billford that his hammer was a waste of space then stab him in the spleen. I hate that guy.

And so swinging my ax and humming the old Paul Bunyan song I marched off into the mountains to face my destiny. Destiny, as it turns out, was some wounded scout person who got attacked by “blood elves.” He asked me to go kill 10 of them and I obligingly marched off and started laying some serious smack to the down-th degree (that joke worked much better in my head). Blood elves, as it turns, out are not made of blood and are mostly just sort of attractive people with big ears and voices that sound like they just graduated from “Clichéd British Villain Accent” school. I swung my ax, hammers fell from on high, and blood elves were bloodied.

I went back to the scout to let him know I’d finished his job whereon he gave me his sword. His sword which was better then the ax. The ax I had bought two minutes ago! I spent literally about 3 silvers on this ax and it notched ten kills before becoming obsolete. I was not pleased mom. Anyway the spy asked me to go kill the blood elf leader so I stomped angrily away, wielding my new sword with a mix of gratitude and anger as I threw mystical golden hammers at anything that moved.

I killed the leader and scooped up something called “Blood Elf Super Secret Plans that Should Never Ever be Shown to the Draenei.” Given this new intelligence I walked triumphantly back to the crash site. I showed it to General Something-or-other and he rewarded me with a hardy slap on the back and a new shirt! Yup. A new shirt that was better then the one I had just BOUGHT! So twenty minutes after I went shopping BOTH of the things I emptied my bank account for were rendered worthless. Why didn’t you teach me these things mom? Why?

Anyway General Whatever has sent me out on another mission but I decided to chill out here in this house for… a while. Cause Micah got tired of the game and wandered off.

Love from the Crash Site

Somanar

In Conclusion: I will admit I had a good time with World of Warcraft. I will probably play through it some more on further Saturday mornings when I have nothing else to do. But that’s all I get from it. Sure I could pay 15 dollars a month and level my character up to level 80 so I can ride on the wings of dragons and mock the new, level two people as they struggle to kill flowers of death. My question is: why? World of Warcraft never ends! You never beat the game, or save the world, or get the girl. You just keep going. So, yes folks: I had fun playing World of Warcraft, and will probably play it again. But, no: I will not be giving Blizzard any of my money.

Why Not World of Warcraft

Posted: July 28, 2011 by Micah in Video Game Reviews
Tags:

World of Warcraft:

Tis a colossus striding across the gaming world like… a colossus. But for some reason World of Warcraft has never really been my type of game.

“Surely Micah.” You would say to me. “Surely you: gamer and fan of fantasy must LOVE World of Warcraft like a small dog loves chewing on wooden legged chairs.”

To which I would respond “Wooden legged chairs? That’s a weird analogy. Also no. No I do not love World of Warcraft.”   “Why?” You would say heart in your throat.

“I don’t know…” I would reply looking ruggedly handsome and thoughtful. “Let me write a blog about it!”

Reason # 1: Time.

In the world of World of Warcraft there are the “haves” and the “have nots.” The “haves” generally are rich stock brokers or people who live in their moms’ basement and have a level 425 Archmage with the power of the Sun and Moon and the accumulated wealth of Europe. The “have nots” are generally people like me. People with social lives and stuff we want to do that doesn’t involve crafting 400 leather vests so we can afford the “Epic Pants of Horatio the Hick-pinger”.

“Well Micah.” You might say. “That what makes Worldcraft so cool! You get to pull yourself up by your own bootstraps and suffer through ridicule and persecution to rise up to the top and become the best there is.”

To which I would reply. “I already do that! Everyday! If I want to deal with a cruel world full of people trying to push me down and establish their dominance all the while I try and struggle onward in the hopes of one day being the best at what I do, I’ll turn off my computer and go to work!!! The point of playing video games is to get away from all the people who have been annoying me all day by demonstrating how vastly superior they are. Not to let someone else do it while riding a Death Pony and wielding the Epic Sword of Gilgamesh Mach 4.”

Reason #2: My limited desire to sort through corpses looking for Wolf Spleens.

A large portion of my time with World of Warcraft was spent doing quests that involved collecting a certain number of something and delivering it to someone else.

“You! Gather 9 chicken toes and bring them here!”
“Hi, can you go collect for me some rare herbs from yonder swamp?”
“Hello good citizen, you look like you’ve nothing to do. I need four flowers from the meadows of the sun!!”

If I want to run errands I’ll by Postman: the Video Game (editor’s note: Totally not a real game). I did not become an Undead Rogue so that I could pick flowers and sort through the rotting remains of pigs! My point being (and this links with the last point) I play video games to get away from jerky people and mundane tasks. Maybe this makes me less of a gamer but when I sit down in front of my x-box to blow off some steam and relax I don’t want to be bored. Because while “gather nine wolf spleens” sounds like a decent idea it’s a 4 mile hike in between! And somehow not every wolf you kill has a spleen. You’ll end up killing about twenty of the things before you collect nine which then gives rise to the question “how did the other 11 wolves survive without their spleens in the first place?” And once that’s done we have to somehow get back to town which brings me to my next point…

Reason #3: I need a GPS

“Hey home fry; I need 4 tears from the ancient river women of death. They’re across the lake west of town. Thanks.”

“I’m sorry, which lake?”

“That one west of town.”

“Which town? The one I just came from? Or that one next to it? Or the one before that? Or the one four miles down the road?”

“Oh I don’t know. They’re just ‘west of town’. Now hop along Cassidy. Those women won’t cry themselves.”

“They won’t? Look, in my limited interaction with women they’ll generally cry whenever they want. Especially if Meg Ryan is somehow involved.”

“Really? A Meg Ryan joke? You know she hasn’t released a meaningful movie in, like, the last 5 years right? Way to connect with your demographic.”

“Whatever man, there are no doubt dozens of women between the ages of 20-57 who are bending over in their chairs laughing. Plus I…. (Editor’s note: This went on an embarrassingly long time. I’ll skip to the end for the sake of your sanity)

“… Sean Connery, Chip and Dale, and Dora the Explorer.”

“Good point.”

“Thanks.”

Anyway World of Warcraft’s map system is really confusing and involved a lot of me wandering around having no clue what I was doing, until some level 50 one-eyed troll appeared over a mountain top and ate my lower half. Once again, avid players of the game swear to me that once you learn the map system it gets really easy and you only get eaten by trolls some of the time, but my response to this is if a game isn’t enjoyable at the beginning why should I expect it to get better at the end? If someone were to serve me a rotting duck carcass for dinner I wouldn’t politely ask what was for dessert. I would leave. And I did leave. Ha. Ha.

Reason # 4: Story

Our final and really the main reason for me and Warcraft not getting along is that there really isn’t much story to be had here. I’ll forgive a game for a bad story if it’s exciting and engaging and interesting enough (as seen in my Kill Team review) but the straight truth is that for the reasons listed above Warcraft’s world isn’t those things.

Warcraft’s world, while huge and expansive, lacks any form of narrative direction. There’s no beginning, middle, and end to Warcraft because it’s an “Open world environment” and “there are millions of players each telling their own stories” and “if this game ended you’d stop paying us every month.” I love a video game that wraps me up in a good story and lets me really experience it through the eyes of my character. Frankly, this game does not do that.

Part of that is because the world is just too big. Part of that is because World of Warcraft entrusts it’s players to come up with their own stories. The detractor is that while I may be telling the epic tale of “Zargell the Undead Minion Who Rose Up from the Grave and Saved His People” the players around me all seem to be telling the story of “Captain DumbW8er 11: A Guy Who Jumps Everywhere He Goes, Dances at Every Street Corner, and Asks Me to Join His Guild Every Two Minutes.”

In Conclusion:

This is not a post against those who do play World of Warcraft! In fact Jack and Amanda (writers on this site) are both big fans of the game! To which I say good for them! But it’s just not for me. For all of the above reasons and several others that involve rampant animal cruelty, not having a laptop that can run it, and being a grad student! So thanks for reading everyone and let the angry e-mails begin!!