Posts Tagged ‘Warcraft’

Well hello Internet, and welcome to our 5th yes, FIFTH, annual Thoughts We Might Have Had Summer Movie Awards. The Awards show that rewards, excellence, creativity, and sharks. So let’s put on our finest outfits, toss back some alcohols, and get ready to remember all the good times, and try desperately to drink away the bad.

TWMHH: 2016 Summer Movie Awards

Biggest Goldblum Waste – Independence Day Resurgance

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Oh Jeff, we hardly knew ye.

 

I weirdly watched a LOT of Jeff Goldblum movies this summer. I marathoned the Jurassic Park movies with my wife, and then jumped straight into the original Independence Day and you know what I realized? Jeff Goldblum is actually pretty dang talented. He’s really good. Charming, funny, easy to root for, I don’t believe he hasn’t been in more things honestly, so, needless to say, I was really excited to see him back in his old Indpendence Day roll, and he did really well… except he wasn’t actually in it that much. In fact he was barely in it at all. What?!?! I say to you again: WHAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!? Not only did you make a mediocre movie that felt like an 80s movie (but in a very not good way) you didn’t use what was inarguably your best asset?? Such a bluming waste.

Best kids movie – Finding Dory

Oh look, it’s a Pixar movie. And it was the best one of the summer. This award is just getting boring at this point. It’s the Simone Biles of categories, you know who’s going to win before you even start. Finding Dory was a brilliantly put together, well cast movie, that was both great for kids, and taught some excellent lessens to kids and adults. I mean, the third act kind of stumbled a bit towards the end and it wasn’t in the same category as Inside Out but it was definitely a great movie, and easily the best kids movie of the summer.

Most unnecessary sequel – Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles 2

Another great year for this depressing category. I mean the competition ranged from Now You See Me 2, to Ice Age Whatever the heck number it is, to The Purge 3 (for some reason), and even tread into comedy with Neighbors 2. Just so much sequelage. That no one asked for. But TMNT 2 easily took the prize this year not just because it itself was terrible, but because it was the sequel to universally disliked movie. I mean… why? Who gives these people money?? WHY do they give them money? It’s just… why?

Biggest Meh: Warcraft

A movie that was supposed to finally get the video game to movie transition right, and ended up just being just another movie that couldn’t reconcile itself with its own larger world. A movie that was weighed down by its own video game lore, and by the large accrued by its cast.

warcraft

For those of you wondering: yes, I have made that joke before.

 

Borringest name: Jason Bourne

“Who’s in this movie??”

“Jason Bourne.”

“Let’s just named it that.”

“Okay but… you see sir, we’ve named all the other movies with the whole ‘The Bourne: Something’ theme. Wouldn’t it be literally a million times easier for the audience, and more in line with the rest of the series if we carried on with that.”

“Nope. We’re calling it Jason Bourne.”

“Fine, but we’re gonna put more effort into the script and the story than we did the title right?”

“Sure… yeah… definitely.”

Most Unnecessary Caring: Ghostbusters

Look, I thought the backlash from this movie was stupid, unnecessary, and sad. I just wish it had been a better movie. It wasn’t a bad movie: it was fine. The cast made an unremarkable script better than it could have been, but they just didn’t have enough to work with. In the end I guess the good news is it seems even all the haters and internet types have moved on to something else and I’m sure they’ll find a way to ruin something else, but I just wish the movie had been great. But it was not.

Most Shark: The Shallows

The Shallows was a surprisingly good, very taught, well told movie. But the real shocker here is that somehow The Shallows stole the incredibly coveted (and not made up) Most Shark Award from Finding Dory. I mean… WHAT?!?!?!?!?

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Fish are friends, she’s food.

 

Most Abs: The Legend of Tarzan

You can say that this movie was unoriginal, unimaginative, and bland but you can’t say it didn’t have sweet sweet abs.

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I wasn’t gonna put a picture here, but I didn’t want to deal with the angry letters asking why I had turned down a chance to put ab to screen.

 

Least Surprises – X-men: Apocalypse

This movie even felt extremely unsurprised in this movie. The characters were characters we know just sort of… again. Magneto went on the same journey he’s gone on the last four movies, people had cool superpowers until it was convenient to the story for them not to have them, and Angel was a really stupid mutant with dumb powers.

angel

Look out he might… wing at you… or something.

 

Even Apocalypse himself just sort of walked around and stared at things and talked incessantly about exactly what he was going to do, just in case the audience wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. The whole thing was just… predictable.

Movie No One Cared About – Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Sigh. I just… Nah. I’m not talking about this.

Movie I Saw the Least – Nine Lives

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The real question is: How did they get Kevin Spacey to be in this train wreck??

 

Look, movies where uppity businessmen get turned into something (animals, family members… Herbie??) and then reconnect with their families are nothing new. This one had the slight intrigue of featuring both Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, but in the end (to the great surprise of no one) it was the worst, clocking in at a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. And thusly: I did not see it.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Suicide Squad

The got me again guys. I really thought DC was gonna put out a good movie… and they didn’t. It was real bad. Certain parts of it worked, specifically the cast who all did very good work, but the script and the editing just slaughtered what could have been a really good movie. I was talking to a friend yesterday about DC’s almost mystifying inability to create even a decent movie. Like not even “yeah that was pretty good.” Which they really should be able to do, they’ve got interesting characters, and can obviously attract talented actors, so why can’t they make a movie that hits even a medium level of goodness??? It really is just bizarre at this point.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Star Trek: Beyond

Look guys: I was real wrong on this one. For some reason I just couldn’t really get into Star Trek: Beyond, but honestly it was super fun. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and the final battle was easily one of the best pulled off ideas I’ve seen. It was fantastic. The cast was great, the script was good, and it just felt like the big, fun, summer movie we hadn’t really gotten since May. It’s still in most theaters so if you haven’t seen it yet I HIGHLY recommend it.

Movie of the Summer – Captain America: Civil War

Civil War

As if it could be anything else.

 

Yep, it was the first real summer movie, and it was the best. The story, the acting, the visuals, the fight scenes. It was all here. And it was all great. I mean how can you not appreciate a movie that not only, is yet another sterling entry (and an argument could be made that it’s the best entry) in the anti-DC fun times Marvelverse, but also saves Spiderman!! I mean come on!

So there you go guys, another year, another set of summer movie awards. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Tuesday for another reader mailbag so submit your questions to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Well hey guys, and welcome to June. A month primarily known for being before July. I mean, I got married in June and June was REAL excited about it. Nothing happens in June, or at least nothing good. And yes: I’m looking at you Warcraft. But more on that in a paragraph.

Weekly Headlines 6/1/2016

Well, it’s been a paragraph guys, so let’s talk about Warcraft. You know how I’ve been increasingly worried that the movie would suck?? It kinda sucks. It seems to have fallen to that classic book/video game problem of being stuck between trying to tell a new story, trying to pay service to its fans, and trying to bring in casual non-fans. It’s a tough line to walk, and for every movie that does it successfully (Lord of the Rings) there are about ten that do it unsuccessfully (The Mortal Instruments, The last two Hunger Games movies, The Host, 6 other examples.) It’s a tough thing to do, and Warcraft has not done it.

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The good news is we didn’t spend a lot on CGI… oh wait.

So Daniel Craig is officially out as James Bond Angry Face. Look, of the four movies Craig was in 2 were good (Skyfall, and Casino Royale) one was fine (Spectre) and one was real real bad (Quantum of Solace) and really that’s not a bad run as James Bond. But that’s over now. Thank you Mr. Craig, you may go home now. So who’s next?? Well the current favorite seems (note the SEEMS) to be Tom Hiddleston. Who is unequivocally a great choice. Maybe take Bond away from Craigs sort of stone face machoness and make him a little more fun? After all if James Bond has been good at anything over the years it’s been mimicking whatever is popular in the action genre at the time, Craig’s Bond was a reaction to Jason Bourne for instance. The popular thing now though is sort of the wise cracking, smart mouthed, Tony Stark style action hero and Hiddleston could definitely do that. So more power to Mr. Hiddleston, but really, whatever. It doesn’t matter. It’s James Bond… it’ll be fine.

The Power Rangers producer says he’s anticipating 7-8 Power Rangers movies in the new franchise. I mean on the one hand… I guess??? I mean we’re on 6 Transformers movies and the absolute best one of those was the first one which was “Surprisingly not entirely terrible.” You don’t even need to make a good movie to continue to make movies anymore, all you need is a fan base that for some unknown reason keeps coming to the theater. That said: there will not be 7 Power Rangers movies. Heck I’ll be surprised if there are 3 Power Rangers movies. The first movie will come out and it will be bad but not TOO bad and it will make some money, so some hammered brained studio exec somewhere will say “WE CAN FIX IT!!!” and they’ll make a second movie, which will be terrible and make no money and the franchise will die. So it is spoken, so let it be done.

Power-Rangers-New-Costumes

Power Rangers??? I guess???

Speaking of doomed franchises: “Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: Sorry about the First One.” Comes out this week… and it’s real bad. Some would say worse than the first one, some would say worse than ANY one. Like literally, any one thing. Ever. Dead muskrat corpse?? Worse. Thanks for making a sequel guys. All the people who could have used that 70 million dollars you spent on this, really appreciate it.

Pitch Perfect 3 has been pushed from July 2017 to December 2017. I mean whatever, I’m sad that this won’t be out in July but this means Christmas songs. Pitcher Perfect with Christmas songs?? That’ll work.

pitch-perfect

I don’t know, ladies, but it’s apparently not English majors…

On DVD this week Gods of Egypt and Pride and Prejudice and Zombies, easily the most rentable movies ever. I mean no one wants to pay 10 dollars to watch these train wrecks… but don’t you kind of want to see the train wreck?? And the train wreck does have some interesting parts… so rent it. It wasn’t worth ten dollars, but it’s probably worth 1.99. Probably.

Finally: two TV shows are trying to cash in on 80’s franchises and they both look terrible. Lethal Weapon seems like it’s gonna be a bored, tired, has been done better cop show. And MacGyver, which is a series idea that has not aged well. I mean in the 80’s if someone told you that you could make a nuclear reactor out of a paper clip, two pieces of gum, and a toaster you would believe them. Technology was magic back then.

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Of course, the part of MacGyver’s hair was played by two actual ferrets.

For all we knew the only difference between a toaster and a nuclear reactor WAS a piece of gum. This however is 2016. Every third video on my Facebook page is some moron telling me how to make a lampshade out of an old computer and a t-shirt. Everyone can be MacGyver. Everyone with the patience to sit through YouTube ads.

There you have it guys, have a great week, and check in Friday when I preview the movies of June!!