Posts Tagged ‘Vin Diesel’

Internet!! Good gravity but it’s been a while! Fear not for me nor mine eternal soul for all is well in the realm of Thoughts We Might Have Had. Monday of last week was Labor Day so in an increasingly hilarious turn of events I didn’t do anything that day. Thursday was not labor day and so in keeping with what you would expect me to do on a day that was NOT labor day, I did nothing. See how that all works? But now that I’m back let’s jump straight back into the news with some weekly headlines!

Weekly Headlines 9/9/2013

Taking the top spot in the box office this week was “Riddick” a movie about Vin Diesel trying to be as growly and awesome as possible while a lot of really bad actors get murdered by Riddick himself, aliens, and any vaguely sharpened object.

The National Football League started play this week prompting millions and millions of people to sit on a couch, eat potato chips, and describe in great detail how they could easily do what the highly payed, expertly trained, testosterone laden professional athletes are doing.

The Robocop re-boot released a new trailer this week, assuring audiences that the original movies already predictable plot will be even more predictable. That’s right folks watching Robocop is like punching yourself in the face as a child, waiting a decade or so, and then punching your face again just to see if anything has changed.

The month of November continued to taunt us all with its good movies and exciting premises as we all continued to sit through the month of September talking about Vin Diesel and anxiously looking forward to a movie about intelligent fruit. Oh cruel November, come quickly.

In the world of Video Games I’ve recently started playing a lot of Borderlands 2. The side effect of this being that I’ve started looking inside of every fridge, toilet, and un-nailed down house pet for guns. It begins to weary my wife.

In direct opposition to that thing I wrote roughly five paragraphs ago “Gravity” a movie starring George Clooney, Sandra Bullock, and the whole of space actually looks like it could be pretty good. If nothing else unlike most of the other movies coming out in the next month or so at least it seems like at some point in the movies early stages someone said to someone else “So what would be an intelligent premise for a movie?”

"So now that we've all been stranded in space... can we talk about my emotions?"

“So now that we’ve all been stranded in space… can we talk about my emotions?”

Hugh Jackman (he of the sweet Wolverine claws of sweetness) recently said that audiences should be excited about next year’s confusingly named “X-men: Days of Future Past” because it was “basically three movies in one”… you realize Hugh that that’s not like… a good thing?  A good thing would be if it were “one really good movie in one.” I’m not saying that just because the movie has a cast of people roughly the equivalent of animals on Noah’s ark that it won’t have time to tell a story but—no wait that’s exactly what I’m saying.

The Wizard of Oz 3D comes out soon, just going to show that there’s nothing so sacred to Hollywood that they won’t slap some ill-conceived effects on it and parade it out in front of audiences in the names of making 10 dollars. This is like taking an old dog gluing a fish to him and then asking him to walk on a tight rope across the Grand Canyon. Not only is it a bad idea, it just doesn’t make a lot of sense to go watch it.

We're off to see the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz in 3D!

We’re off to see the Wizard, the Wizard of Oz in 3D!

So there you have it guys. I’m back, check back Thursday for another gripping post on the happenings inside of my brain. Thank you, Internet, and good night.

Hey everyone and welcome to another stunning entry in the Weekly Headlines series. After missing the post yesterday I’m back and ready to go, refreshed like a ninja returning from the deepest darkest depths of the placid soul of Keanu Reeves. Let’s rock this party out!

In our lead story Vin Diesel (he of the bald head and semi-truck sized pectorals) may be voicing the character “Groot” in Marvels super-hero story “Guardians of the Galaxy” (coming to theaters next summer.) Groot only says one thing “I am Groot” so Diesel said that after years of body building and hazy steroid use that it would probably only take him a few months to get his lines down.

In an unrelated story if Vin Diesel is reading this blog I am SOOOO sorry. Please don’t eat me, I really like the first Riddick movie and umm… parts of the second one… and uh. Look over there it’s a giant protein shake! *runs*

Christopher Nolan’s next movie “Interstellar” will begin filming soon. Interstellar has something to do with space and the sun and things, though for all we know after his last non-batman movie (Inception) it may not actually involve any of those things and instead be the story of the very vivid dreams of a drunk kitten.

Mel Gibson was recently confirmed as the lead villain for Expendables 3. Gibson (who you’ll remember from movies that your mom used to think were too violent) hasn’t been a relevant actor for the last decade or so which means all he has to do is forget most of the things he ever knew about acting, full-sentences, and not-black-clothing and he’ll fit right in with the rest of the cast.

Ian McDiarmid who played the Evil Emperor in Star Wars Episode 3 has recently been attached to rumors that he may return to the Star Wars saga in Episode 7. This prompted hundreds of thousands of Star Wars fans to go “Wait Ian McDiarmid is still ALIVE? He looked four hundred years old in the last movie, and I’m pretty sure that was the youngest he’s looked in a while.”

I’m currently involved in a kickstarter project!! You should click this LINK and go watch the videos with the scripts that I (your noble writer) hath written!!

Taking the top spot at the box office this week was Elysium. A movie that stars Matt Damon and a cardboard cutout of Academy Award Nominee Jodie Foster. Also, in a futuristic society set so many years in the future why does Matt Damon have a Boston accent?

Amanda Seyfried is scheduled to be in a new movie called “It Doesn’t Matter, Amanda Seyfried is in this. Of course it will be bad, she has all the acting nuance of a bear dancing on greased linolium.”

And finally: number 10 at the box office is Grown Ups 2 final proof that America does not like itself. What are you people doing??? This movie has been out long enough, SURELY someone has said to you in between your visits to Low IQ-r-Us that Grown Ups 2 is a bad movie. Just take your net dollars put it in the blender with some gasoline and then light your house on fire. That will be better use of your money. I promise.

Thanks for reading everyone!! Check back Thursday for more up to date pop culture news and out of date animal references!