Posts Tagged ‘Valentines day’

Ah, Valentines day week. A time of panic, distress, and (for some of us (men specifically)) the very real threat of death. Girls aren’t messing around here guys. They will kill you. It used to be that men we’re, on the whole, generally nice guys who worked in factories, wore cool hats, talked about “dames” and sang in sewer pipes about “luck being a lady”… for some reason. But guys, it’s time for us to look around at ourselves and come to the somewhat less then shocking realization… that we are complete morons. As a society of men. Scroll through your Facebook feed real fast, then come back and tell me you think guys currently have the upper hand socially. We spent the last month making “deflated ball jokes” and complaining about the Seahawks coach being brain swapped with a cow named “Malkaria” who somehow was unaware that MARSHAWN LYNCH was it’s running back. We’re not doing well.

So this year the pressure is on. The fires are lit, it’s time to get up off your lazy butt, grab your computer, then get back on your lazy butt and go to Amazon.com so you can buy your wife a thoughtful, kind-hearted, and hopefully slightly expensive gift to show how much you want her not to kill you and dissolve your body in bleach in the bathtub. I mean love her.

Five Types of Presents for Surviving Valentines Day 

Cause that’s what it’s all about guys. Surviving. You’re 007 and you’re just hoping to Die Another Day (rimshot.) You’re a robot from the future just hoping to be able to actually “be back” (less enthusiastic rimshot.) You’re Superman just hoping they squeeze you into another poorly conceived, rushed, forced sequel in the hopes that you will blandly stumble into success on accident (drummer tapping the drum in a confused way and then quitting the band.)

Gift Type 1: DIY project.

Circular-Cocktail-Table-with-Hand-Carved-Wood-Frame

Yeah… It’s just a little something I threw together over the weekend.

Oh DiY project man. Me and the rest of my nerdy, physically inept kind, gaze at you in mixed awe, wonder, and confusion. “You made her what out of wood???” We say staring at your beautifully carved table and using the same tone we would use if you informed us that you had lassoed the hubble space telescope and presented it to your children as a jungle gym. We all envy your manly style, your mustache, your deeply calloused hands of manlyness. You are the Liam Neeson of Valentines day my friend: You’ve spent your life developing a very specific set of skills and we hear at Thoughts We Might Have Had would just like to take a second heartily applaud you, and hope vainly that one day we will be as apt as you.

Until then though… hellllo Amazon.

Gift Type 2: Jewelry 

Jewelry is a minefield, guys. Women appreciate jewelry cause it shows how much you care but it also (somehow) has the ability to express how well you know them. Buying your wife a necklace that she doesn’t like is the woman equivalent of her buying you a sports jersey with your name misspelled on it. You would smile, appreciate it, maybe wear it once or twice… but never in public. And eventually you would abandon even that pretext and bury it at the bottom of your sock draw along with your hidden collection of One Tree Hill merchandise. That’s what your wife/significant other will do if you get her jewelry she doesn’t actually like. She’ll smile and thank you, and wear it once or twice when it’s just the two of you, but inside her she’ll always know that you don’t know her any better then you know the mailman’s pet ficus… or what One Tree Hill is.

Gift Type 3: Stuffed Animals. 

Stuffed animals work surprisingly well guys. If you’re in a less committed relationship they’re actually pretty perfect because they’re all cute and snuggly and happy when you give them to her and on the off chance you do break up it gives her a great item to vent her rage on!! So it serves the duel purpose of being a cute way to remind her of how you feel about each other while you’re dating, and then being an on fire way to remind her of how much she hates you after you break up with her!! It really is a win-win. Though not a win-win-win cause that teddy bear knows that it’s life hinges on your ability to not be a moron and… ya know… you’re you.

Sure, he's cute now. But eventually this bear will be a constant horrifying reminder of your inevitable lonely doom. Light him up, ladies.

Sure, he’s cute now. But eventually this bear will be a constant horrifying reminder of your inevitable lonely doom. Light him up, ladies.

Gift Type 4: Flowers 

Flowers are great, but they’re not really the all encompassing present you think they are. Girls look at flowers on Valentines day like they look at breakfast every other day of the year. It’s a good way to start the day, it may even (in point of fact) be the best part of waking up, but if that’s all you eat your gonna be vaguely hungry (breakfast that is, not the flowers… though you would probably still be vaguely hungry after eating them as well.) It’s not a death sentence if all you do is flowers but it depends on your overall flower ratio. Do you get her flowers a lot? Cause if you do you’re gonna have to step up your game here. If you don’t… what’s wrong with you??? Have you seen yourself?? Get your person some flowers person. They put up with you for cripes crops.

Gift 5: The Candies

Candy falls under the flowers regime of “Thank you, and…” sort of present. Going for chocolate or some other form of candy would be like someone giving you a video game… to a video game console that you do not posses. It’s a great way to say “I appreciate you!!” But it’s not a great way to say “I love you.” Chocolates are the gift equivalent of a side-hug. It’s not necessarily the worst thing in the world but it’s also not exactly gonna knock anyones Valentines day, heart themed, socks off. View 4 and 5 as openers to one of the 1-3 list.

Valentines heart candy: tiny cardboard flavored reminders that somebody creepily thinks  they own you!

Valentines heart candy: tiny cardboard flavored reminders that somebody creepily thinks they own you!

So there you have it guys, a nice easy premise on the five big categories of stuff you should totally be buying right now. Seriously what are you doing still reading this?? Go to Amazon. Order stuff. Survive the day my friends. I’ll see you Thursday with more helpful romance advice!

Hey everyone and welcome to Valentines Day 2014!! Or (more accurately) three days before valentines day 2014 but that’s just less catchy. I’m gonna give all the panicked husbands/boyfriends a chance to  freak out about the fact that Valentines day is this week and they totally forgot about it until just now a few minutes to recuperate. It’s okay guys, you’ve got three days!! UPS express was literally designed for Valentines day which is (let the record show) the sneakiest of the major gift giving holidays. And that’s not an accident men, women do that deliberately. Christmas is just way to big to miss. If you somehow forget Christmas you’re probably in a  coma or one of the writers of the Smurfs 2 (bu-dum-chi.) Birthdays are usually easier to remember (especially with Facebook reminding you every fourth minute that some other person you hate was born in the next fortnight or so). Which just leaves us with Valentines day. A day that’s advertised but only in stealthy ways after commercials filled with things we don’t usually care about and thus have already tuned out. I mean I usually only watch a commercial long enough to see if there’s someone famous I like, someone funny that I like, or something cool that I want to buy. If it hasn’t met that criteria  within roughly the first two seconds I stop paying attention.

Anyway, now that I’ve eased the minds of all the men back into their usual state of dull semi-awareness let’s talk about relationships. More specifically the ZONES OF RELATIONSHIPS!! Some of these zones you have heard of, some you have not, but I promise you that you have been in all of them.

Zone 1: The “oh I know who that is” zone. 

This is one of the earliest zones there is. This is that zone where if you’re a girl you know who the guy is and have maybe casually asked your friends “hey do you know Bob Bilgerat?” You’ve also probably looked him up on Facebook, maybe glanced at his linked-in profile, or tumbled through his tumblr. You have (as I shall call it) lightly stalked him. If you’re a guy at this point in the relationship you have seen this girl and thought: “Oh she’s kinda cute” and then moved on with your life.

If you like stalking. Facebook likes you.

If you like stalking. Facebook likes you.

Tips and pointers: this is a zone filled with potential. Anyone could be anything coming out of this zone. It’s the crisp dawn on a summers day. The warm splash of coffee being poured into a hand made ceramic mug. It’s the first headshot on a zombie killing spree. This could go anywhere from here and your feelin’ (as the old song says) some good vibrations.

Zone 2: The “stuck in a boat” zone. 

Believe it or not the “stuck in a boat” zone can happen anywhere, it’s not strictly confined to nautical settings. Being “stuck in a boat” is just my wonderful, literary way of describing that first time that you and Bob get stuck with one another and are forced to make one on one conversation. You are (metaphorically) stuck in a boat and only through smooth, casual, light hearted conversation can you take that boat and row it gently down the stream.

Tips and pointers: If you’re a guy or a girl and you’re interested in the guy or the girl that you are stuck in said boat with the first thing you need to do is NOT PANIC. That’s right DON’T PANIC!! If you PANIC you could DESTROY this WHOLE THING. PANICKING will END this RELATIONSHIP and you will be ALONE FORRRREEEVVVVEEERRRRR!!! Ha ha ha. I joke. (seriously though: you could be alone forever.) Just remember that you don’t have to make some big diatribe here okay? The world does not work like How I Met Your Mother. No one expects you to come up with some hilarious anecdote or cool story. If you’re a guy interested in the girl across from you the best thing you can do is (and listen carefully here) (no seriously. listen carefully)(Hey!! Pancho!! Listen up) not talk about you. That’s right. Not. You. Girls (especially girls not actively in love with you) really don’t want to hear about what you did in Call of Duty last night. They aren’t super interested in your ability to hit a High G+ during Beethovan’s third symphony. The best thing for you to do here is just talk about her. And when I say “talk about her” I mean “let her talk about her.” This is not the time for you to talk about how her glowing green eyes remind you of the sun rising over the dewy meadows of Hobbiton. Because that time, is never. This is the time for questions like: “so where did you grow up?” “have any siblings?” “What’s your favorite movie?” or “Wouldn’t you say Han shot first?”… Okay so never that last one either.

Cause we all know the answer anyway, Mr. Lucas.

Cause we all know the answer anyway, Mr. Lucas.

Zone 3: The Hang Zone 

This zone (as you may have garnered using your keenly honed intellect) is where you guys can just sort of hang. No real pressures or concerns, you’re past the awkward parts where you don’t know what to say. You’re friends but not “friends” or FRIENDS, just two people who enjoy each others company. That’s all we’re talking about here. You’re dwarves headed merrily towards a dragon, Muppets on a trip to Hollywood, you are a group of coriol and a group of effect just hanging out (editor’s note: I’d like to apologize to science as a whole for Micah’s “Coriolis effect” joke. Micah making science jokes is like a tractor trying to dance Swan Lake.)

Tips and tricks: no real tips or tricks here. Just enjoy the hang zone. Don’t be in too much of a rush to get out of it. So far the relationship between you and your beloved Clementine has been nice and a relatively stress free experience. But buckle in Sparky. Make sure your seat back is in the locked position and your tray is stowed because the road is about to get bumpy, and things are about to get AWKWARD!!

Okay so from here we have several different paths your relationship can take and most of them (to put it mildly) suck. The first option is, of course, just staying in the Hang zone. Sometimes you both just want to be friends and that’s awesome. Good for you! But for those of you looking to take things to the next level. You little fleas hoping to join circus, here is the good, the bad, and the ugly of what goes down from here.

Zone 4A: The FRIEND zone. 

“I really just see you as a friend” words that no person ever wants to hear. The FRIEND zone occurs (somewhat ironically) when one of you has decided that you want to be more then friends and the other has decided that she would rather have hand replaced with a live iguana then do that thing that you want. Usually it’s not anything personal. Maybe they’re interested in someone else, or maybe they’re…. nah they’re totally interested in someone else. That’s what the FRIEND zone was made for. Everyone you like to hang out with but who doesn’t compare to the lavish, muscular, heap of a man that you call only by his sacred name “Captain Sexy Face.”

Tips and Tricks: If you’re stuck in the friend zone the best thing I can tell you is: be patient. Most time Captain Sexy Face is already interested in someone else and it won’t work out between him and (as you call her) the Mistress of Hotness. Just wait, be a friend. There may come a time for drastic romance movie style action but that time is probably/definitely not right away. Just wait for it. When she starts making plans to movie to Picipsy or whatever that is the time for dramatic gestures. Her just being interested in Brock Hunkybuns is no reason to flip out and confess your undying love forever. Be cool man. Be cool.

Zone 4b: the “friend” zone. 

The “friend” zone is very different from the FRIEND zone. The “friend” zone is when both of you are “friends” but you also both know you want to be more then friends. It’s like if in the old west two cowboys were all set to have a duel but then couldn’t remember how to count all the way up to three. They got 1 and then they got 2 but couldn’t really get to that next number… they knew they wanted to shoot each other. They just couldn’t remember how to get there. The “friend” zone is when you know you want to go to the next level and there are fairly obvious signs that the other person wants to go to the next level but you just can’t quite bring yourselves to push things up to the next level.

Tips and tricks: no real tricks to speak of here guys. Just go for it. Do it to it. Black and blue it. And other stuff. Take a chance and do a dance and wear some pants and get out there!! Rock it out.

So there you go guys. We’ve taken a relationship from it’s meeting to it’s RELATIONSHIP in just 1500 words. For more on zones check back on Thursday (valentines eve) and we’ll just keep the zone talk rolling.

Ah Valentine’s day, it dawns upon us all each year on February… this day. If you’re in a relationship it’s a great day to think about all of the wonderful things that you love about your relationshipett, or relationshiper if it’s a man. If you’re single it’s a great day to think about how nobody really likes you, and that even chocolate is on the side of the couples. But where did this day come from? How has Valentine’s day matured into the hilariously painful to more than one half of the population day that we know it as today? To answer that question I read at least one article from some Historically significant  website that I’m sure would never lie, but that I’m also sure I mostly wasn’t paying attention to.

That said, let’s all fold our hands in our lap, sit up straight, and learn all about Valens, tines, and some tiny naked babies!

Ancient Rome

Ancient Rome: Cause no one else was going.

Ancient Rome: Come for the buildings, stay for the togas.

The first stirring of Valentines was in ancient Rome where a man who was destined to become a saint decided that he was going to go out into the Roman fields, pick some flowers, and charge very confused men hilariously exorbitant prices for a collection of dead, decaying plants. I am, of course kidding, this would not happen for several hundred years when St. Wal-mart began the tradition.

There are (apparently) three Catholic saints named Valentine (or Valentinus as the romans said. I mean “saidus”) all three of them share in common the fact that they fell madly in love with beautiful young women and were married in bliss and merriment.

Ha ha.

No.

They were murdered. Or martyred. Or marinated. Though not at the same time.

One of them (legend has it) who we will call… Bob-us Valentinus continued performing marriages even when the Emperor (who could not apparently get a date) outlawed marriage. Then he was murdered.

Another (who we will call Brutus-us Valentinus) is said to have sent a love letter to his one true love the very day of his execution that said at the end of it:

“from: your Valentine.”

P.S. I mean Valentinus.

P.S.S. Please don’t let them chop my head off.

And in an incredibly romantic display of romance and the power of love they did not chop Valentinus’s head off. Instead Valentinus was fed to a very romantically inclined she-lion who would go on to found the somewhat lesser known holiday: Eat a Saints Day.

Happy Eat a Saints Day!

Happy Eat a Saints Day!

The third guy I couldn’t find anything out about so we’ll assume that he just stood around and made fun of single people while forcing newborn babies to shoot arrows at them… which actually sounds kind of awesome.

Meanwhile in Paganville

Every February the 15th was a hilarious holiday that was named (I kid you not) Lupercalia. A holiday to the Roman god of fertility: Polly Pocket—I mean Faunus. It seems that a key part of this festival was to kill a goat, make strips out of its hide and then walk around ancient Rome slapping people with them. Yup. Slapping Romans with goat skins. What’s more it was considered a big deal by Roman women to get slapped by this goat hide. Women lined up to get slapped with a goat hide. In ancient Rome getting slapped with a goat hide was like buying couture shoes.  This would later give rise to women waiting in line to get slapped by many other things like mascara, nail polish, and Justin Bieber.

Justin Bieber: a lot like being slapped with a dead goat.

Justin Bieber: a lot like being slapped with a dead goat.

According to some historical people who care about these things, Lupercalia also involved single people putting their names into a jar, drawing out names, and then using that to couple up ancient roman couples for a YEAR! You may laugh at this women but I promise sweaty guys living in their parent’s basement are reading this right now and REALLY trying to come up with a way to re-implement this system.

Valentine’s Day invented:

Early in the 5th century some random woman walked into the Pope’s office, or “the Poffice” as it is known around Catholicism, and said: “Man, I love getting slapped with the skin of a dead goat.” The Pope was appalled and ran straight out to his Popemocart and sped off into the dark of night. The next day decries were cried out across the land that Lupercalia was officially outlawed and that from henceforth and hitherto every February the 14th we would celebrate Valentine’s day, a holiday that would cost thousands of innocent men and women millions of dollars but would also (in the words of the Pope) “involve absolutely no goat carcasses.” That Pope’s name was (of course) Pope Chocula.

The most famous of Popes.

The most famous of Popes.

And that friends is how Valentine’s day became the Holiday we all know and love and hate so much. I would of course be re-miss if I missed a chance to wish a very happy Valentine’s day to my awesome wife Cassie (who rocks)!Thanks for reading everyone, hopefully you have a great Valentine’s day and remember to hold the people you love just a little closer (metaphorically.)

So, as your may remember, yesterday we talked about that glorious, misunderstood, and largely unintelligible creature known as man (here’s a link to the post.) What you may not remember though is that I said that today we would be talking about the second half of my brilliant male/female analogy “women are like spaghetti.” And what you definitely don’t remember (because I definitely did not tell you at the time) was that I was brazenly lying to you. Brazenly lying like a Brazilian brazen in the bronzing light of… Bronze… ium. Bronzium. Because as I lay in bed last night, looking at the stars… I mean looking at my ceiling, I thought to myself: “I could take this guys and donuts analogy super unnecessarily further and waste tons and tons of time typing anxiously on my already emotionally traumatized keyboard!!”

So that is exactly what we are going to do today, with an article I like to call:

The Five Types of Guy: A Story Sung in Donuts

Editors note: There is no singing in this blog.

The crawler (technically spelled Cruller but who cares):

Ah the crawler, an infamous type of donut that is not actually a donut at all. When receiving a dozen donuts you know what nobody has ever said? “Dibs on the crawler.” Nobody wants the crawler. The crawler is basically two donuts that couldn’t cut it, wrapped around each other and then glued together with liquid sugar and broken dreams.

The Les Miserables of bakery items.

The Les Miserables of bakery items.

Guys who are “crawlers” are just those guys that you’re never really sure what to do with. Guys who don’t seem to be entirely there mentally… or physically. These are the types of guys who you see skipping around college campus’s (I’ve seen it happen), or randomly break out into old show tunes about “fringes” and their various locations on transportation devices called: “surreys” (I’ve heard it happen).

Crawler guys are the sort of guy that you kind of feel bad for, but that you don’t want to get to close to for fear that they might murder you in your sleep for not knowing the name of the sixth brother from Seven Brides and Seven Brothers (it was, of course, Sleepy.)

The Donut Hole:

One day in the donut factory a smooth, suave, executive in a fashionable polo and the tightest of executive pants stood looking over his kingdom and was suddenly struck with an inspiration.

“I could totally add a matching scarf to this ensemble!” Thought the executive. Moments later, he was struck with another far more donut related revelation. “I could take those little parts of the donut that we’re not using and sell them as whole seperate products! It’s like taking my trash and selling it to people!”

And thus was born the Donut Hole, and scarf related accessorizing, which is like adding an easy pull tab for anyone who wants to murder you.

Scarves: cause why make a ninja bring his own rope?

Scarves: cause why make a ninja bring his own rope?

Donut Hole guys are just those guys that your never entirely sure of. There the left-over guys who you sort of like but don’t like as much as Johnny Quarterback or Billy Four-point-o-grade-average. Sometimes Donut Hole relationships work out really well and you find yourself happily skipping off into the sunset wondering why you never gave those donut holes a try sooner. Other times, you find your tastebuds trying to deal with the lingering echoes of a sad pile of uncooperativeness.

It’s really a toss up-here. I wouldn’t commit to a donut hole guy right away, but at the same time you don’t want to miss the forest for the tree house… or something. So give that donut hole guy a try… just don’t buy the whole dozen at once.

The plain old donut:

There’s nothing at all wrong with a plain old donut. In fact some times a plain old donut can be quite refreshing in our modern world filled with bavarian creams, maple dreams, and James Deans. That said plain old donuts do lack that certain sense of danger, that unpredictability, and adventurous jelly filling that sticks to your teeth for days on end.

Plain old donut type guys are just that. They show up to the workplace of life, punch the clock, and set about their affairs. Sure they don’t rip their pants off and dance to old Journey songs, but they also don’t set the factory on fire because they’ve always wondered what would happen if they lit a match while they were re-enacting the opening scene of Saving Private Ryan with an all gasoline cast.

We like plain old donuts, and if your looking for a nice reliable sort of man-donut then more power to you and your dough. (shouldn’t that be how donut is spelled? Doughnut. And where does the nut come from? I mean sure some donuts have nuts but more donuts don’t have nuts than doughnuts that do have nuts right? Why don’t we call Jelly filled donuts doughjellies?? Great. Now I’m hungry AND confused. Stupid article idea… *continued grumbling*)

The two sider:

There are many types of “two sider” in the donut world. There’s the classic chocolate on top/plain on the bottom kind, but there’s also the maple kind, the unknown white stuff kind, and various forms of doughs, breads, nuts, and beads that we can all stick on whichever side of the donut we want to.

And here we have the Jekyll and Hyde of the bakery world.

And here we have the Jekyll and Hyde of the bakery world.

Two sider type of guys are those guys who you think you’ve got pretty figured out, right up until you realize that you don’t have them figured out at all. You get the bottom portion and you think “oh I know this guy, I’ve met tons of guys like this before, nice and plain and reliable.” But then you figure out that he is a concert pianist, or that he knows all of the lines from the Avengers verbatim, or that he’s descended from a long line of Tibetan monks sworn to guard a mystical spatula till the coming of a new age.

At this point you have to decide whether or not you’re okay with this change. You have to look at yourself and think “Do I really want to hear full re-enactments of Ironman on the bridge of that flying aircraft carrier for the rest of my life?” (of course you do.) The point here is that two siders can be both exciting and a little scary and if your seat back isn’t in the upright and locked position you might get sucked into the lower atmosphere– I mean, not make it as a couple.

The Boston Kreme:

Ah, the boston kreme. The only word ever that is allowed to spell “cream” “kreme.” Boston Kreme’s are essentially two siders with a delicious custard filling. Sure you still occasionally get a bit or two that’s just “plain old donut” or just like a two sider but more often than not your in a triple flavored heaven of deliciousness and weight gain!

Boston Kreme type guys are the sorts of guys who have the whole package. A guy with that deliciously individual top layer AND a deep cream filling of understanding, compassion, and ability to sing to you in soft dulcimer tones as you drift off to sleep. Sure he’s still a guy, still has that underlayer of plain old guyness that causes him to occasionally forget birthdays, holidays, and the names of certain loved ones (possibly even you) but he is (on the whole) a delightfully complete package.

Oh my sweet sweet goodness.

Oh my sweet sweet goodness.

And there you have it! The five types of guys, according to donuts. Check back on Monday when I actually get to the “women are like spaghetti” analogy and until then, may your hearts be light, your stomachs be heavy, and your donuts be filled with dough.