Posts Tagged ‘Ultron’

Well hey Internet, and welcome to another example of me caving in to the Man. And also some women. Really more of a ‘They’ then any particular gender. Anyway, a few weeks ago I posted a complete ranking of Pixar movies over here. Since then a couple different people have emailed me (thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com) asking for me to do some other rankings of various and sundry rankible ranks.

So here’s a list of some things, involving some stuff. You’re welcome… I guess.

The Marvel Cinematic Universe from Worst to First 

Okay couple things: this is not a ranking of all the marvel movies ever cause frankly there are some things that happened in the 60’s and 70’s that no one wants to remember.

Captain-America-1944-Image-12

“Nothing’s happening in this closet, nothing at all.”

Also not included in this list are movies made from Marvel comics by companies that are not Marvel (i.e. The X-men movies and the Spiderman trilogy and 2/3rd.) The reason for that is those movies are very much their own thing. It’s less comparing apples and oranges, more comparing apples and the string theory of the Universe.

We all good to go? No?? Awesome.

11. The Hulk and the Incredible Hulk

I think all of the people who want a solo hulk movie need to be forced to sit down and watch these two movies back to back. Look I love the Hulk… okay so, I like the Hulk. He’s fun. But in the end he will always smash something, and in between smashings he will always be conflicted about his powers and sulk about the fact that he occasionally becomes a raging green death machine.

That works great in ensemble movies. I really like what Joss Whedon and Mark Ruffalo have done with that character but I don’t think that automatically means he’s great for his own movie. You want proof? Watch The Hulk again. That movie is BAD. Terrible. There is literally a Hulk Poodle. The ending of that movie is the Hulk spitting green stuff into a storm cloud who is also (through a series of events far FAR too stupid for the human mind to grasp) his dad.

_hulk-2003-67-g-1350136227

This is an actual image from The Hulk. I don’t even need to try to make fun of this movie… It makes fun of itself.

The Incredible Hulk was better and Edward Norton did a really great job with that character but… it’s still not very good.

10. Iron Man 2

Probably the only other Marvel movie that is legitimately not good, Iron Man 2 just barely skates by on the fact that Robert Downey Jr. really IS Iron Man. Beyond his rock solid performance is a sloppily put together movie with an utterly forgettable villain, an even more forgettable final fight, and a movie that basically just amounts to a 2 hour trailer for the Avengers.

9. Iron Man 3

It’s weird how much Iron Man 2 and 3 fell off the tracks after Iron Man literally breathed life into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. Iron Man 3 isn’t a bad movie, but it just doesn’t feel much life a Marvel movie. Tony Stark spends a lot of time running around outside his armor and fighting villains who breathe fire for some largely unexplained reason. It’s a fun movie sure, and Ben Kingsley is great as the Mandarin/Trevor but it doesn’t really feel like a super-hero movie, and that’s what we paid our ten bucks to see!!

8. Thor 2: The Dark World

I really like Chris Hemsworth as Thor and he and Loki’s mini road trip movie in this movie is awesome, but weirdly I feel like this movies last act just kind of fell apart. It got distracted by it’s own sense of humor and you never really get the feeling that that one pasty white dude who doesn’t speak English is actually going to do whatever it is he wants to do.

I enjoyed Thor 2 (cause at this point it’s all movies I enjoyed) but I think the balance of humor and drama skewered towards humor at the wrong times. Plus, while I think Natalie Portman is great her Jane Foster is almost terminally un-interesting. She’s just sort of… in the movie.

"Marvel's Thor: The Dark World"..Jane Foster (Natalie Portman) ..Ph: Jay Maidment..© 2013 MVLFFLLC. TM & © 2013 Marvel. All Rights Reserved.

Jane Foster, cause sometimes you just need someone to look at things.

7. Captain America: The First Avenger

Okay so from here on out all the movies are pretty great. I really liked The First Avenger, and I certainly was surprised at how much I liked Captain America when mostly before this I had just thought he was that stupid looking stripedy guy who threw things at other things.

I though this character was great, and Tommy Lee Jones was fantastic in this movie. That said the much maligned ending where Cap “puts the jet in the water” for literally no reason at all, did take away a bit from what was otherwise a super solid movie.

6. Thor

As stated above I think Chris Hemsworth is perfect for Thor and he might legitimately be my favorite Avenger. His introduction to the MCU was awesome and his relationship with Loki was great and awesome and I’m really excited for Thor 3 to come out so I can see more of that. The only thing really wrong with this movie were the Warriors 3 (AKA those not at all comic, comic relief characters) and (of course) the cardboard cut out of a human that is Jane Foster.

5. Iron Man

I was surprised this one fell as low as it did cause I think it’s a really great movie and like I said it literally created the Marvel Cinematic Universe and gave birth to Robert Downey Jr’s Tony Stark is nothing short of amazing.

I thought the villain for this was fairly forgettable but even that is the smallest of small gripes. It’s a great movie and watching RDj create that first Iron Man suite is an absolutely iconic moment in comic book movie history.

4. Captain America 2: The Winter Soldier

As surprised as I was that Iron Man got pushed to 5, I was probably more surprised that Captain America 2 ranked this high. But that movie was awesome. Intrigue, explosions, Captain America all the sudden becoming a raging cyclone of punchy faced death. If you doubt my decision to put this here just go watch that first bit where Cap basically takes over an ocean liner single-handedly. It’s awesome.

"Is... is there something happening behind me?"

“Is… is there something happening behind me?”

I like the Winter Soldier as a villain/tragic lost friend person, and the whole Hydra thing worked really REALLY well. It doesn’t have the crazy high stakes demigod battling feel to it, but it does it’s action incredibly well and creates a really interesting story with some great twists and turns.

3. Avengers: Age of Ultron

I will probably take a LOT of flack for this movie being this high on the list, but I really REALLY liked this movie. I thought it was great, and fun, and built interestingly on the first movie. A lot of people said it was too much like the first one but I also really liked the first one so that was totally fine with me!! Why wouldn’t I want more of that?

Also: James Spader as Ultron was awesome. I wanted more Ultron… and maybe less awkwardly forced Black Widow/Hulk romance but still, I thought it was a VERY well done movie with some great characters who we all really like doing some very cool stuff. Which is pretty much all I wanted.

2. Avengers

But nothing beats the original… except for the one movie on this list that did that, but more on that in a second. Avengers (before it’s release) scared the crap out of me. I had been scarred by the ‘Fantastic Four’ and then again by ‘The Fantastic Four 2: Why Are We Making This?’ I thought super-hero ensembles just couldn’t work. But then, like a white dove sailing down from downey clouds of heaven, Joss Whedon descended and gave us all the Avengers. Not just a great ensemble super hero movie, but just a genuinely great movie. It was amazing, the characters were great, the fights were epic, and the script perfectly walked the line between humor and drama. It was a great, great movie. And I have loved it forever.

1.Guardians of the Galaxy

My friend Schofs has a system whereby he measures things in which he asks “If I was stuck on an island and could only have two of these things, which would I want?” It is (possibly) not his own original idea, but I figured I’d credit him on here with it just because (to my knowledge) no one else has staked claim to that idea in any official capacity.

So anyway, I really love Avengers, but I also really loved Guardians of the Galaxy and as I labored and thought and thought and labored and then took a brief nap I finally boiled this choice down to Schofie’s classic Schofism: the desert island question.

Of course there's no electricity... or TV's... or food. So in the end we're kinda screwed either way.

Of course there’s no electricity… or TV’s… or food. So in the end we’re kinda screwed either way.

Surprisingly to me, the answer was: Guardians of the Galaxy. It’s just awesome. The cast is great, the action is awesome, the world it creates is crazy and wacky, but also surprisingly heart felt and the soundtrack is awesome. That was literally one of the deciding factors between these two movies, I really like both of them, but Guardians has that awesome 80’s soundtrack  and what better company on a deserted island then a great movie, with great music??

So there you go guys, the Marvel MCU, ranked. Have a great July 4th and I will see you all next week!

See guys this is what happens: september comes around and all the sudden there’s nothing to write about. Oh the summer it’s like new movie a week but now it’s pretty much just news about movies that are coming out several years from now and Miley Cyrus continuing her campaign to single handedly gross out the internet. If she keeps up at this rate she’ll probably just  stop people from using it entirely. People will go back to snail mailing things just to eliminate any chance that Miley will show up and try to lick something. 

So anyway that still leaves us sitting here without a blog topic waiting for something to write about. I thought of doing a blog on the Red Sox and how excited I am that they’re good but then I thought that if I wrote that it would probably jinx them right back to mediocrity. I mean, I’m probably jinxing them right now just by talking about not jinxing them. Plus after trying to explode the entire world of football in my last post I figure I should probably leave the sporting world alone for a while before a bunch of football fans show up at my house with huge armchairs and start grumpily telling me how I could write my blog better. 

The Red Sox are officially doomed now.

The Red Sox are officially doomed now.

As far as movies go the only interesting thing in theaters right now is Riddick which I’ve talked about like… three times. Which is probably about three times more then it deserves, honestly. I mean I’ll probably watch it but Riddick is basically the hot dog of cinema. I mean you can eat a hot dog and enjoy it but it’s not necessarily something you should write home about. Or blog about. Unless you’re just using it as an analogy about something you shouldn’t talk about in which case you can totally talk about it… I think. 

And as far as movies upcoming most of the movie news is about stuff that’s literally going to occur two years from now. Joss Whedon cast someone to play a robot character and everyone got excited but I’ve got TWO YEARS to be excited about that. I mean I just found something sticky on the leg of my pants that’s just as relevant to you and your lives as the fact that James Spader is going to play a character in a movie in two years. 

In other super far away news JK Rowling just announced that she writing a movie that’s gonna be a spin-off of the Harry Potter series!! The movie will probably be called “”Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them” and will probably be about… Fantastic Beasts… and Where to Find Them. – So now we can all try and figure out exactly what that means for the next couple years until the movie comes out and turns out to be about Harry Potter’s nephew Pansy Potter and his collection of fishing worms. 

 

Isn't a Newt a type of animal? Is this just a book about how to find himself?

Isn’t a Newt a type of animal? Is this just a book about how to find himself?

 

As far as video games go I’m just playing Borderlands 2 right now. Borderlands 2 is great and all but right now my strategy mostly involves hiding behind rocks with my sniper rifle whistling the theme to Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood as I snipe people. Even then I don’t usually hit what I’m aiming at the first time, video game characters have to willingly place their heads into my cross hairs, close their eyes, and meditate for several minutes on what it feels like to be rock embedded in a pool of golden  legos before I can hit them anyway. And (as you may have noticed) that’s not great blog material. 

So see? There’s literally nothing going on worth talking about.  Nothing. This whole blog has been me not so subtly killing time like a lost freshman speech student trying to get to the right minute count. My foot voluntarily fell asleep just cause it wasn’t interested in what I was doing. My laptop monitor is super dim because the computer decided it had better things to do with its time then watch me type in a confused circle around myself. This is the blog version of that Winny the Pooh story where Pooh follows his own footprints around a bush for a full day before tragically tripping over a carton of Easter Peeps. – I’m hazy on the ending there. 

And speaking of endings here we are at last friends. The end of what was probably the most pointless blog you have ever read. I mean you could have been reading one of those fitness blogs, or finding out how to talk to introverts (just don’t) or whatever the big new internet thing that all your friends won’t stop sharing is right now. But instead you were here, reading the literary equivalent of a cheese sandwhich. Congratulations America. Thanks for reading guys, check back Monday when I promise I’ll have figured out something to write about. But now to sing us out: it’s Miley Cyrus!!