Posts Tagged ‘Transformers’

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?

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You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.

 

So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.

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Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.

 

Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?

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That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.

 

Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.

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Well hey Internet and welcome back to my oft lauded but little used series that we mortals call: best of the worst. A series that takes the worst movies of a franchise and matches them up one against another to find out which one of these bad movies, is in fact, the worst movie. And todays two contestants are:

Best of the Worst: Transformers vs. The Matrix

Two iconic series that started off pretty well (or at least better than expected in Transformers’ case) and then went very VERY VEERRRYYY far downhill. So far downhill.

The Matrix: Revolutions

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Matrix Revolution: Taking stumbling across the finish line, to stumbly new lows of sumbling.

 

Okay so the first Matrix movie was pretty great. Not as great as you remember, but pretty great. Matrix: Reloaded was… well it was very bad. Including a section at the end in which an old man talked for twenty minutes about literally nothing. Nothing at all. But it did have at least a couple cool fight scenes and um… a long incomprehensible dance sequence?? Matrix: revolutions though, wasn’t just long and incomprehensible, it also featured un-interesting characters talking about stuff some child learned from a different child whose father took a philosophy class once and an ending so unsatisfying many audiences just remained in the theater for several hours after the movie waiting for a second, better ending to happen. Most bafflingly though, Matrix: Revolutions featured almost no actual fighting. Sure there was the scene where Neo fought a bunch of CGI Hugo Weaving’s, and the multiple scenes where CGI robots fought other CGI robots to defend a CGI city filled with characters we either didn’t care about, or actively disliked, but none of that was anything like the much smaller, much better fights that happened in the first movie. If great sequels are comprised of the best parts of the original, than the Matrix: Revolutions was a summary of the absolute worst parts of the Matrix.

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These uninteresting robots will be tasked with fighting a less interesting army of other robots to protect an even less, less interesting group of humans.

 

Transformers… Literally all of the Transformers Movies

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When robots riding dinosaur robots and wielding swords can’t save your franchise… nothing can.

 

Look guys, generally speaking in this series we pick the one worst movie of a series and compare it to the good ones… but there are no good transformers sequels. There are only the bad ones. And then the worse ones. And then the somehow even worse than the worse ones. Transformers is a constant proof that even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, there is always another rockier, bottomier bottom you could fall to. Bad acting. Terrible writing. CGI that looks good but does nothing but create sets of 8 more or less identical characters and then smash them together like an angry toddler fighting with action figures.  The whole series is just an on fire garbage can that some guy occasionally comes and throws some extra gasoline on. Matching up this franchise vs. the matrix is like hosting a foot race between the worlds slowest slug, and an empty tooth paste tube. It’s the worst thing.

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Nothing compares quite so closely with the Transformers franchise as the career of Shia Labeauf.

 

The verdict: When I came up with this in my head it was at least a somewhat decent contest. Both franchises started off okay, and then slowly slid down hill… or at least that’s what I thought. I forgot that Transformers started off okay, and then was consumed by a volcano made of sadness. Matrix Revolutions is very bad, but it is nothing compared to the avalanche of miserable that is the Transformers. If anything I’m sorry that I made you think about the Transformers movies this much. Thank you, and I’m sorry.

Hello friend Internet, Fienternet as I will hopefully never call you again. Well… it’s still September… and September (in almost every meaning of the word) sucks. A lot. To death. No movies, rainy weather, not quite far enough into fall to have beautiful leaves or good coffee. It’s a terrible thing. Nobody is happy in September. So since I have no movies to review, have talked about video games, and even resorted to tearing apart Gone with the Wind out of sheer blog boredom. So now I will impart to you further wisdom, not just to make fun of old movies, or to talk about video games, but rather to help you, to guide you, to show you a better way to live. The redox way.

What’s in Redbox

The following is a list of stuff and things and stuff that are in Redbox. Some are good, some are bad, but pretty much all of them are better than spending ten dollars in a theater to watch something horrible.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier:

Right up there with Iron Man 1 as one of the best stand-alone Marvel hero movies out there. The plot is great, there’s a genuine sense of humor to it, and some of the best fight scenes around, a genuine pleasure to watch. Just don’t stare directly at Robert Redford’s old man ears. Those things will eat your brain.

Think Like a Man Too:

A bunch of people get together and make a bad sequel to a funny movie. On the plus side it’s got… Nope there’s not a plus side. Sorry, I tried.

Draft Day:

Kevin Costner and some people who don’t understand how the NFL draft works, make a movie about the NFL draft. Overall it’s a “meh” sort of movie but it is hilarious if you know how the actual NFL draft works.

"So... do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we'll be okay right?"

“So… do you guys think we should research the actual NFL draft? Nah, we’ll be okay right?”

Barbie and the Secret Door:

Here’s the plot summary of this movie: A shy princess, Alexa, discovers a secret door in her kingdom and enters a whimsical land filled with magical creatures and surprises. Inside, Alexa meets Romy and Nori, a mermaid and a fairy, who explain that a spoiled ruler named Malucia is trying to take all the magic in the land. To her surprise, Alexa has magical powers in this world, and her new friends are certain that only she can restore their magic. Ha ha ha… oh man. That’s hilarious.

Divergent:

Divergent is a movie that’s a lot like the Hunger Games, except everyone is kind of a jerk and instead of being divided into 13 districts going from super rich to hilariously poor, things are divided into 5 houses going from smiley happy give you everything, all the way to murder-death everyone IN THE FACE!

 Oculus:

An above average horror movie starring Amy Pond… I mean Karen Gillan.

"Ummm... yeah, I'm not actually Amy Pond..."

“Ummm… yeah, I’m not actually Amy Pond…”

Brave:

A Disney movie starring a girl with hair that is practically its own country, brave is the story of Merida a girl whose mother is (for various and sundry reasons) a bear. And really what could be better than a Bear mom and a Scottish girl running around a magical fairy version of Scotland looking for something… that I do not remember.

Noah:

A movie so loosely based on Biblical events that it may or may not have ever actually read the Bible. Or even like…the Wikipedia version of the Bible.

Transformers (the Trilogy):

That’s right folks, the entire Transformers trilogy. For just 3 dollars you can entirely melt away your brain, soul, and (some studies have shown) portions of your kidneys. We do NOT under any circumstance recommend you watching these movies back to back. It will physically kill you. Your brain will smash out of your skull in a desperate attempt to escape the works of Michael Bay.

Basketball Girlfriend:

I have no idea what this movie is about… but it looks hilarious, and I’m just assuming here that there is a basketball player and that he has a girlfriend.

Vampire Academy:

Cause if there was anything our society needed  it was a movie about high school vampires who love each other and go to school.

Ha ha they suck at school... it's funny cause-- oh wait no it's not.

Ha ha they suck at school… it’s funny cause– oh wait no it’s not.

The Legend of Hercules:

Did you watch the Rock’s version of Hercules and think “Huh, well this is sort of a mediocre movie, but you know what I really want to see? A much much worse version of this!!” Well, you very weird person, this is the movie for you. Enjoy it!! Or don’t. Whichever of those you were hoping for.

47 Ronin:

Yup. Keanu Reeves horrifying brick-face. On the plus side for Keanu I recommend this movie over Transformers!! Any of the Transformers.

And finally:

The Art of the Steal:

This movie is on this list for one reason: Crunch Calhoun. Yup, the main character in this movie is Crunch Calhoun. Goodnight ladies and gentlemen.

Hey America… and other countries, and welcome to Thursday. It’s been a while since I did a Judging Covers post but with all the new trailers dropping from the hands of the Movie lords I figured this would be a good time to wipe the dust off of my incredibly judgmental glasses and talk about some movies purely based on the stuff in their trailers. Per usual, all these trailers are available on youtube or the movie trailer watching site of your choice.

Transformers: Age of Extinction

That’s right folks: Transformers 4: Putting the Stink back into Extinction. I hung with the transformers series for a long time even after the dripping mass of dirty laundry and angry muskrats that was Transformers 2 I believed that Michael Bay could pull off something entertaining with Transformers 3… and the he did not. At all. The sad thing is that I really like Mark Wahlberg, but even the prettiest girl in the world would smell of old cheese after being thrown headfirst into a melted vat of Limburger. The trailer seems to hit all the “bad Transformers movie” checkboxes. Obligatory hot girl in short shorts who can’t act, FBI guy who is a villain (but probably joins the good guys by the end), Scientist who doesn’t think we need transformers, screamy shot of Optimus Prime, etc. Not only does this look like a bad movie, it looks like the same bad movie we’ve already seen twice.

Annie

A trailer that just came out yesterday, the new Annie seems to be poised to make all of our childhood memories well up inside us like emotional gastrointestinal problems!– ew. Sorry… no idea what happened there. Umm– Cameron Diaz as Mrs. Hannigan seems like an odd choice but at this point Cameron Diaz is an odd choice to play a non-speaking character in a Geico commercial, so I guess I can’t be to thrown by this. Jamie Foxx seems charming and the little girl playing Annie looks face punchingly adorable so this movie will probably be all the things we want it to be, even if we just want it to be a fun new take on a very old story.

Captain America: The Winter Soldier 

There are about twenty different trailers out for this movie and it is officially starting to get on my wife’s nerves. It’s hard to disagree with her though, I mean, we all know Captain America is the worst of the Avenger’s super-heroes but at this point it just feel like he’s standing behind the Hulk jumping up and down, waving his arms, and desperately begging us to give him some attention. I’m already at least somewhat intrigued by this movie but am unlikely to get more excited no matter how many times Marvel shows me an aircraft carrier on fire. Calm down, Marvel. It’s gonna be okay.

But look how sad he is Micah!! He just wants to be loved.

But look how sad he is Micah!! He just wants to be loved.

Godzilla 

Godzilla’s first full trailer hit the internet last week and pretty much cleared up nothing at all about the movie. Godzilla will be big and will punch things, Aaron Taylor-Johnson is going to make an “oh no” face a lot, and then there’s some other guy who looks like a shaggy haired Robert Redford who seems to mostly be in the movie so he can over act really badly. I’m not saying Godzilla will be a bad movie (it probably won’t be) but it also isn’t really making me think it’s going to be a good movie. So far the trailers could be summarized by just saying “hey look at all this broken stuff!!!” And just having a bunch of cities get smashed doesn’t really make a good movie, right Man of Steel??? (glares at Superman)

Guardians of the Galaxy 

Ah, the sweet sweet scent of an awesome trailer. Guardians of the Galaxy looks like it’s shaping up to be an awesome new entry in Marvel’s already awesome universe. The movie just looks so distinct and seems like it’s going to land right in that sweetspot between “not taking itself too seriously” while also being a big action movie with a decent amount of heart. The cast looks great, the script seems sharp, and the action looks significantly big and explosiony. I’m pretty much all in on this one from here on out and (while there’s still a chance I’m wrong) this trailer only encourages my belief that we could be looking at something special here.

I was gonna put "your welcome" down here but Marvel already did. That's the kind of movie we're talking about here folks.

I was gonna put “your welcome” down here but Marvel already did. That’s the kind of movie we’re talking about here folks.

And there you have it guys!! Thanks for checking in and we will see you next week!

Our last couple articles here on Thoughts We Might Have Had have practically overflowed with the milk of human kindness! We looked back at what a great year it was, and then looked ahead at what a great year there was to come! The sun shone, the clouds whited, and birds were angrily launched at pigs. But now, dear friends of mine, it is time to look back not at the milk of human kindness but rather at the vermin infested, badger killing sludge of really bad movies.

I ran into a somewhat awkward problem whilst creating this list because I realized that while I have watched some REALLY bad films this year I honestly have probably not seen the worst of the worst. As much as I wish I had enough money and time to go and watch movies that I strongly suspected would cause me to vomit my brain into my lap: I don’t. And so I have created two separate lists MY bottom 5 movies of the year, and then the absolute bottom 5 for all the movies released this year. Let’s start with my bottom… 5 and move on from there then shall we?

Micah’s Official Worst 5 Movies of 2011.

5. Transformers 3: Dark of the Moon

Transformers takes the dubious honor of number 5 on the list thanks to overly screamy Shia Labeuf and a first 30 minutes so incredibly dull and pointless that it practically belonged in a different movie. I could tape a live whale to Miley Cyrus and it would be more entertaining than the first thirty minutes of TF 3… in fact that would actually be really entertaining… hmmmm…

4. Limitless

Limitless is a movie that for some reason some people really really liked but honestly I did not even finish. Here’s the thing: the main character gets these pills that accelerate his brain and make him into this uber super genius typed person right? Now, if I was endowed with super intelligence by a drug you know what the very very first thing I would do would be?? Find a way to make more of said drug so that I wouldn’t run out. You know what the main character in Limitless does? Runs out of drugs!!! How do you miss that? Aside from that the rest of the movies cast was pretty shoddy and the script was pretty bad but that single gaping plot hole of doom drained any chance the movie had of being interesting… or finished.

Limitless: A very stupid movie, about a very stupid man on "smart pills".

3. Trespass

A movie that starred Nicolas Cage and the corpse of Nicole Kidman (I have rarely seen a performance where so little actual acting was done). Trespass was one of those “people breaking into a family’s home and holding them for ransom” movies. The only problem was the people who broke into the house in this movie had no idea what they were doing! Literally I have never seen such an inept, stupid, unfocused, uncommunicative, bunch of idiots in a movie since ever. Yes the acting was bad, and even the good guys seemed to have eaten heart healthy portions of Stupid-O’s with their orange juice in the morning but taking the prize for the most completely inept ever, were the villains.

I think they actually just took a carboard cut out of Nicole Kidman's face and glued it onto someone less famous for this movie.

2. Zookeeper

Zookeeper failed on many levels. Kevin James really (it turns out) is not that funny on his own, the rest of the cast was creepy and weird and dumb, and the script was almost laughably NOT funny. But nowhere did Zookeeper fail more than in the people they hired for voiceovers. All the voice work from this movie sounded like it was done by lifelong smokers who were either sucking helium or having their chests jumped on by orangutans. I have never wanted to harm an animal more, then when I watched Zookeeper. (And yes my little brother liked this movie. And yes, I love him anyway.)

And finally, the worst of the worst. The most putrid of the putrid. A movie SO bad that it outdoes badness.

1. Red Riding Hood

Amanda Seyfried starring in a movie about a wolf and two guys that can’t act. Not that Miss Seyfried can either, mind you. The climax of the badness though is undoubtedly the part of the movie where Seyfried tries to “seduce” her boyfriend by “dancing” “sultrily.” If I were to strap a dead grass hopper to a butterfly, and then put that butterfly inside the wreckage of the titanic I would be more likely to feel attraction towards that grasshopper then to Amanda Seyfried’s dance routine. A movie so bad it literally made me think less of Gary Oldman. Gary Oldman!! It was that bad.

Well I feel liberated! Here’s a quick list of movies that were horribly bad (according to both me and everyone else) that I did not force myself to sit through!

The Bottom 5 Dishonorable Mention Hall of Fame

The Twilight Sage: Breaking Dawn Part 1 – a staple and a stable of bad movie lists everywhere. A movie that features emotionless characters, emotionless actors, and plots that make so little sense that you’d have to be a teenage girl to understand them.

Just Go With It and Jack and Jill – hey remember when Adam Sandler was funny? I miss those days… I miss them a lot.

Abduction – A movie built around the idea that Taylor Lautner can act… tee-hee… wow… I can’t even type that with a straight face.

Taylor Lautner: infinite proof that you don't need to be able to act to be an actor!

Creature – and ending our list with the official worst grossing movie of all time (with 1,000 or more theater openings) Creature! A “horror” movie about stupid people, a haunted cabin, and a weregator… alliwere… Gatorwere. There you go: a gaterwere.

And there you have it friends! The worst movies of last year! Now we can move on into this next year with hope in our hearts and a smile on our lips. Let us not just survive our past but learn from it! Amanda Seyfried, please stop.