Well hello good buddies and internet friends, and welcome to another thrilling, chilling, and trilling entry into the ever growing pantheon of:
Best of the Worst
That’s right! It’s time for us to get back to our roots and compare the worst movie from two franchises and find out which one is really the worst. Today, in honor of the Fate of the Furious being released and maybe finally not running commercials for itself every two seconds of every minute of my life, we’ll be comparing it, to that long standing, long Tom Cruise running shot featuring series, Mission Impossible.
Mission Impossible 2: Best Hair, Worst Movie.
I just want to take a second and be very clear about something: this is in no way an attack on Mr. Cruise’s hair in the major motion picture: Mission Impossible 2. Mr. Cruise’s hair is a shining long locked bastion, lighting the way to good hair dos everywhere. Thank you, hair.
That said: Mission Impossible 2 is a very bad movie. So bad it basically killed the franchise until the great franchise saver JJ Abrams deigned to sprinkle some of his rejuvinatory juices on it. The plot makes no real sense, the ending is just a huge comedic sequence where 4 different people are wearing masks, and there’s just a lot of weird unnecessary slo-motion shots involving flips and motor cycles and sunglasses exploding. (Very cool sunglasses… just for the record.) It’s a movie that really wanted to be the Matrix but had to deal with the problematic factor that it was in no way the Matrix. The storyline has something to do with a virus and Tom Cruises girlfriend who he basically instantly forgets about in favor of a much more grounded character in 3. MI2 is a classic example of someone coming into a franchise so desperate to put their stamp on it that they entirely forgot what the actual thing they were supposed to be doing was. At no point does it feel like an actual Mission Impossible movie, which is not something that (for the record) is super hard to achieve.
I give it 2 unnecessary mask reveals, out of 5.
And opposing MI2 is a movie so bad that the Fast and the Franchise movies have literally just decided to pretend never EVER happened. That’s right: it was too bad, for the Fast and the Furious.
The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Filming Discounts
You want to know who the best actor in Tokyo drift is?? Lil’ Bow Wow. I’m not joking. He’s actually not even that bad in it, and in the world of Tokyo Drift being ‘Not Bad’ basically makes you Daniel Day Lewis. The main character (not Lil’ Bow Wow) is played by a white male Walmart Manikin named Sean Boswell who has come to Tokyo for reasons I cannot even begin to care about. He loves to race though. Boy does he love to race. That’s literally all you need to know about this cardboard cutout of a human with a “Boy Am I From the South” trucker hat on his head. Actually you should probably also know that he is VERY bad at racing but that for some reason people continually show an interest in his burgeoning racing career to the point where they teach what is apparently the ultimate solution to all of his personal and career problems: the ability to go around a corner in a motor vehicle.
The real kicker of TFatF:TD though is that the rest of the Fast franchise couldn’t even decide where it went in the “chronology” of Fast and the Furious. And yes, Fast and the Furious does have a chronology. See, technically Tokyo Drift was released as the 3rd movie but when the FF people decided to start forming a super team they knew they definitely didn’t want the main character from Tokyo Drift so they decided to use one of the secondary characters who (regretfully) died in that movie. This meant that they had to push Tokyo Drift back until later, specifically, until Fast and the Furious 7 a full four movies after it actually took place. Confused?? You should be. But that’s what you have to do when you make a movie that stars a rock with the lyrics to Sweet Home Alabama painted on it.
I give it 1 Faceless Stars, out of 5.
So there you go guys: the prize for worst movie goes to Tokyo Drift, cause at least MI2 had that good good Tom Cruise hair.
I’ll probably do a mailbag on Thursday so send in your question to Thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com and hey, why not check out my podcast that I do with my good buddy Nate over here thepsv.podbean.com!