Posts Tagged ‘The Maze Runner’

Well hey Internet and welcome to what I like to call the good happytimes awesome blog!!!… Yeah we’re never calling it that again. But anyway here we are with another thrilling episode of: Box Office Top Ten.

10. The Maze Runner

A movie about some dudes in a maze for reasons that are never entirely clear.  It’s a decent (if not extraordinary) sci-fi thriller that involves some running and some mazing and a bunch of little kids mostly pretending they’re in the Hunger Games. So if you ever wished the Hunger Games starred more men, and less children-cide then I guess this is for you. All three of you.

"It's okay, no matter what happens this tiny vest will protect us."

“It’s okay, no matter what happens this tiny vest will protect us.”

9. The Equalizer

Denzel Washington shows up and shoots some people, a largely blah affair but decently interesting if you’re in the mood for a Liam Neeson movie but can’t find your Liam Neeson accoutrements. There’s some bang, and some boom, and some murder and Denzel Washington probably yells at somebody to take a lap or something.

8. Annabelle

A movie about a creepy murder doll Annabelle manages to basically spend an hour and a half of your life, not showing you anything you haven’t seen before. This is my real problem with the horror genre, there are only so many ways to show something horrible happening to someone. This guy murders that thing, this doll is possessed by a demon and wants to kill people, this thing of play-dough has been possessed by the actual Plato and is forcing children to lean philosophy. It’s all been done before.

7. The Judge

The Judge is a sad story, of a super talented actor who turns in a great performance in a mediocre movie about a judge. What? Oh no that’s not the plot of the movie, that’s just the story of Robert Downey Jr. Great performance by him, mediocre performance for the movie. Robert is a thoroughbred horse running in a race against a daddy long legs… Thoroughbred horses are a thing right? They make those?

6. Dracula Untold

Hi! I made a video review of this on the awesome new Thoughts We Might Have Had video blog!! Click here!! Watch it! Love it! Like it! Subscribe to it! Dance for it!!… I’m gonna stop this now.

 5. The Best of Me

Cause nothin' says romance like giant kissy faces in the sky.

Cause nothin’ says romance like giant kissy faces in the sky.

Hey look it’s another horribly cliché movie based on a Nicolas Sparks book!! If the horror movie genre is at this point a tired piece of gum that you’ve been chewing on for a while but at least at one time or another was at least okay, then the Nicolas Sparks book/movie genre is an insane acupuncturist who has tied you down to her table and is assaulting you with more needles then you could possibly find in all the haystacks of the world. Sure, at first it was nice in sort of a relieving sort of way but at this point you’ve just had the absolute snot stabbed out of you and all you want is for some higher power to come down and make Nicholas Sparks STOP!!!

4. Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good Very Bad Day

I’m annoyed that this movie has gotten good reviews. I refuse to watch it and I can’t describe to you what a horrible time I have with a six page book being turned into an hour and a half movie and then that movie somehow being not terrible. I’m bothered. It goes against every snooty film instinct I can possibly imagine. That said it has a lower review score then another kids movie you should be watching this week so that’s something anyway.

 3. The Book of Life

The Book of Life has gotten awesome reviews and while it lacks originality from a story standpoint it makes up for it with an astonishing visual pallet. Think Avatar for kids… but ya know… more clothes. Also I wrote “Astonishing visual pallet” so I officially have my snooty film pants back on.

2. Gone Girl

It’s a good movie… in a terrible way. It’s rated R… for very clear reasons… but beyond that it’s a movie with a good plot and some really good acting performances. It’s a win, just ya know… make sure you’re ready for this sort of win. This is the kidnapping equivalent of The Grey… it’ll mess you up.

1. Fury

Brad Pitt drives a tank and murders people. A lot. It’s a hardcore war movie in the oldest tradition of hardcore war movies. It’s awesome in its own super realistic war movie sort of way.  I mean come on, it’s Brad Pitt, with a tank. It’s Shia LaBeouf with maybe some tiny part of his egg-brittle sanity still intact. And who doesn’t want to see the kid from transformers working with a tank and scant tiny little pieces of his scattered sanity?

Brad Pitt and his new sweet hairstyle everyone. It's furious.

Brad Pitt and his new sweet hairstyle everyone. It’s furious.

And there you have it guys, the movie ten. Thanks for reading, be sure to check out the video blog! We’ll be back here saeme as always, come Thursday afternoon.

First off and before we do anything else let’s all glory in the wonder that is this picture.

Oh the wonder.

Oh the wonder.

Thank you Liam Neeson. You’ve just… you’ve given us so much. And Taken so much. In Taken… and then Taken 2. And probably in Taken 3. But anyway, let’s move on to the fact that it’s STILL SEPTEMBER. And there are STILL no good movies. It’s like I’m a world class pastry chef and all the sudden no one is bringing me dough. Bad dough, good dough, I don’t care, I’ll take anything at this point!! And now I’m hungry.

Dang it.

The Box Office Top Ten 9/25/14

Let’s look at the box office… this is gonna be depressing guys. This’ll hurt. But I’m gonna be brave. I’m gonna be strong. I’m gonna be sponsored by Nike.

But not the last one. (Unless you’re reading this Nike in which case I am IN!! I will tattoo the letters of your company on my fingers. You will make millions. Somehow.)

10. If I Stay 

A movie starring Chloe Moretz as a high girl who is dying…. Or might be dying… or could be dying, possible sort of kind of maybe.  Kind of like most high school girls really. Not the death thing, just the indecisive section. “I think I would like totally die. But… maybe not… maybe I’ll live, I mean I haven’t seen the last season of Pretty Little Liars so… I just don’t know… I don’t know what I want. Ooh a Double Frappemocha Latte’licious!!!” Wow… that got sexist fast… Sorry Emma Watson.

9. The Drop

I don’t know exactly what this movie was about and my mouse is SOOO far away and I would have to click on it and… let’s face it… it’s called the Drop. And I have no idea what’s happening with it and I frankly do not care. Even a little bit.

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Cause this movie is apparently still a thing. Why it is still a thing is a mystery that will span the generations. Future scientist will look back on our times and marvel at our tall buildlings, our interstate highways, how for some reason twerking was a thing we all cared about, and the fact that somehow after 7 weeks in theaters people were still watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

7. Let’s Be Cops

This is essentially just a movie about Nick Miller and Coach from New Girl, except all of the least funny and most crass parts of New Girl multiplied by all the least funny and crass moments of every other TV show ever.  Please don’t watch this.

6. Guardians of the Galaxy

Still here. Still awesome. If you somehow haven’t seen this yet you should watch it. Twice. At least.

5. Dolphin Tale 2

Dolphin Tale 2 is the sequel to Dolphin Tale 1 a movie that had Morgan Freeman in it and prominently featured (get ready) a Dolphin. For some reason we felt that the first movie just wasn’t Dolphiny enough though so we’ve come back with Dolphin Tale 2: Revenge of the Dolphin. Cause you messed with the Doll, now get ready for the fin!!!

"They called him Flipper. Flipper and he will kill you!! They called him Flipper. Flipper, out for Revenge."

“They called him Flipper. Flipper and he will kill you!! They called him Flipper. Flipper, out for Revenge.”

4. No Good Deed

A movie that has racked up a whopping 11 % approval rating according to Rotten Tomatoes, No Good Deed is the story of a woman who lets a man into her house and a man who terrorizes that woman and her family and her dog and her dogs family. It has Idris Elba in it but other than that is an entirely unremarkable experience and you should avoid seeing it like Heimdall avoids seeing anything that is actually useful in the Thor movies. Boom!! Nerd joke.

3. This is Where I leave You

This is where I leave you has a great cast (led by Jason Bateman and Tina Fey) but doesn’t live up to its potential thanks to a mostly bland story that has a few scant  moments of brilliance and lots of moments of bleh. It’s essentially the movie version of a bag of trail mix. One or two M&M’s but mostly just a bunch of lame healthy stuff your mom makes you eat. Boom!!! Health joke.

Trail-mix or as I call it an "M&M Obstacle Course."

Trail-mix or as I call it an “M&M Obstacle Course.”

 2. A Walk Among the Tombstones

It’s Liam Neeson everyone. Why are you not watching this?? What’s that? Cause it’s rated R and you’re a twelve year old who somehow made it this far into the blog? Oh… well that’s a good reason. Seriously though it’s a good movie… and rated R. For the traditional “Liam Neeson murders everyone” reasons. Boom!!! Not actually a joke.

 1. The Maze Runner

Another in the dreaded “Young Adult” movies based off of a “Young Adult” books aimed primarily at “teenagers” Maze Runner is the story of a boy who wakes up inside of a Maze and then does some running… Probably. He has some sort of amnesia thing going on and the only way to save his future is to remember his past!! Dun dun DUN!!!!!

So there you go guys… a movie rundown… of a lot of movies that you probably shouldn’t watch. September’s almost over guys. Hang in there. We’ll make it.