Posts Tagged ‘The Matrix’

Well hey Internet and welcome back to my oft lauded but little used series that we mortals call: best of the worst. A series that takes the worst movies of a franchise and matches them up one against another to find out which one of these bad movies, is in fact, the worst movie. And todays two contestants are:

Best of the Worst: Transformers vs. The Matrix

Two iconic series that started off pretty well (or at least better than expected in Transformers’ case) and then went very VERY VEERRRYYY far downhill. So far downhill.

The Matrix: Revolutions


Matrix Revolution: Taking stumbling across the finish line, to stumbly new lows of sumbling.


Okay so the first Matrix movie was pretty great. Not as great as you remember, but pretty great. Matrix: Reloaded was… well it was very bad. Including a section at the end in which an old man talked for twenty minutes about literally nothing. Nothing at all. But it did have at least a couple cool fight scenes and um… a long incomprehensible dance sequence?? Matrix: revolutions though, wasn’t just long and incomprehensible, it also featured un-interesting characters talking about stuff some child learned from a different child whose father took a philosophy class once and an ending so unsatisfying many audiences just remained in the theater for several hours after the movie waiting for a second, better ending to happen. Most bafflingly though, Matrix: Revolutions featured almost no actual fighting. Sure there was the scene where Neo fought a bunch of CGI Hugo Weaving’s, and the multiple scenes where CGI robots fought other CGI robots to defend a CGI city filled with characters we either didn’t care about, or actively disliked, but none of that was anything like the much smaller, much better fights that happened in the first movie. If great sequels are comprised of the best parts of the original, than the Matrix: Revolutions was a summary of the absolute worst parts of the Matrix.


These uninteresting robots will be tasked with fighting a less interesting army of other robots to protect an even less, less interesting group of humans.


Transformers… Literally all of the Transformers Movies


When robots riding dinosaur robots and wielding swords can’t save your franchise… nothing can.


Look guys, generally speaking in this series we pick the one worst movie of a series and compare it to the good ones… but there are no good transformers sequels. There are only the bad ones. And then the worse ones. And then the somehow even worse than the worse ones. Transformers is a constant proof that even when you think you’ve hit rock bottom, there is always another rockier, bottomier bottom you could fall to. Bad acting. Terrible writing. CGI that looks good but does nothing but create sets of 8 more or less identical characters and then smash them together like an angry toddler fighting with action figures.  The whole series is just an on fire garbage can that some guy occasionally comes and throws some extra gasoline on. Matching up this franchise vs. the matrix is like hosting a foot race between the worlds slowest slug, and an empty tooth paste tube. It’s the worst thing.


Nothing compares quite so closely with the Transformers franchise as the career of Shia Labeauf.


The verdict: When I came up with this in my head it was at least a somewhat decent contest. Both franchises started off okay, and then slowly slid down hill… or at least that’s what I thought. I forgot that Transformers started off okay, and then was consumed by a volcano made of sadness. Matrix Revolutions is very bad, but it is nothing compared to the avalanche of miserable that is the Transformers. If anything I’m sorry that I made you think about the Transformers movies this much. Thank you, and I’m sorry.


Internet!! How’s it going? How was your labor day? Mine was (in an ironic twist that the people who named it really should have thought of) VERY not labory. But hey, whatever, it’s not my fault people suck at naming things. A couple people messaged me about doing one of my “History of Everything” posts on Labor Day but let me tell you strangers: Labor Day is both boring AND depressing. Labor Day was originally proposed by some Union bosses somewhere but it didn’t actually get approved until after some workers were shot during  the Pullman Labor Strike. What’s funny about that? Nothing. Also: not interesting. Also: I just recapped the whole thing in like… four sentences. So terrible idea people who PM’d me. Terrible.

So anyway, as opposed to doing that idea (which was stupid and dumb and boring) I’m gonna do what I generally do: awesomeness.

The Bottom 5: On Screen Couples

Movies are full of couples we love: like ummm… Okay so couples aren’t my area of expertise… but there are some good ones… Andrew Garfield and Emma Stone we’re awesome! Liam Neeson and Liam Neesons punching fists of death are pretty awesome. But instead of focusing on positive romances (which I generally suck at) let’s focus on horrible relationships of terribleness (which I am GREAT at.) Starting with our first entry:

5. Tobey Macguire and Kirstin Dunst – Spiderman

A terrible pairing of bad actors whose relationship got steadily more and more face bludgeringly annoying as their series went. Let the record show that not everyone on this list is necessarily a bad actor (though these two are) sometimes it’s just a matter of a bad story or a bad pairing of good actors. But for both the mind numbing stupidity and the face melting lack of face moving I’m proud to hand this award to Toby and Kirstin. Acting aside the whole Spiderman/Mary Jane thing or SpiderJane as we must call them just spiraled downward throughout the series.

Those helmets make my soul hurt.

Those helmets make my soul hurt. Kind of like those people wearing them!

They were dating, she was dating someone else, he was dating someone else, she was getting married, he was covered in some sort of black goo that turned him into a Spiderjerk and then there was crying. Lots of crying. Just… just so much crying. An inordinate amount of crying. Like, give these kids some ice and they’d have a whole ALS challenge all to themselves.

4. Keanu Reeves and Carrie-Anne Moss – The Matrix

Because you knew this list would feature Keanu Reeves at some point, and who better to pair his bricked up face with then with the equally cement laden face of Carrie-Anne Moss! Yes ladies and gentleman the Matrix a series that started off pretty nicely with an okay movie about a computer program that was in our brains… or was our brains… or something. Neo and Trinity  were okay in the first film… they were in love but in a very sort of… stare at each other way. And if there was one thing these two are good at its staring at things. Practically everything. Exclusively.

But as with the Spiderman films things went DRASTICALLY downhill from there. Mostly cause they made two more movies and each movie got progressively more and more ridiculous. And then the director had the bald faced audacity to WALK IN and ask them to show emotions. EMOTIONS!!!

 3. Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz – What Happens in Vegas

I feel like the words “Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz” together in a sentence should explain exactly why they are on this list. They are Cameron Diaz and Ashton Kutcher. Boom.

2. Pierce Brosnan and ALL the Bond Girls – James Bond

Oh Pierce Brosnan… why were you James Bond?? I mean he single handedly forced the British to re-boot this series. If it hadn’t been for the wonderful blond wonderyness that is Daniel Craig who knows what would have happened to James Bond? Fortunately: there was Daniel Craig.

Brosnan somehow managed to make James Bond not just into an unmanly pansy man of terribleness but also into kind of a jerk. A smarmi unnapealing jerkface who women would fall for about as realistically as they would fall in love with a rotten beef brisket.

On the plus side: nice hair.

On the plus side: nice hair.

And the number one worst couple ever in the history of everything ever is:

 1. Hayden Christenson and Natalie Portman – Star Wars

No offense meant to Natalie Portman who I genuinely think is talented but this was not a difficult decision. Most of that credit goes to Haden Christenson who (in semi-related news) is the worst actor ever. But it wasn’t just Hayden Christianson (though it was mostly that) it was also some of most mind numbingly bad dialogue in anything ever. Lines like: “I’d rather dream about you” “I like sand”  “I wish that I could just wish away my feelings, but I can’t.”  “My heart is… beating” and many many other gems of utter terribleness.

"It's okay honey... you'll be in Marvel movies later."

“It’s okay honey… you’ll be in Marvel movies later.”

Anakin and Padme’ were the all-star star shining brightly in the sky, guiding all the other bad couples home.  So thanks George Lucas, thanks Hayden Christenson because of you we can know exactly how low we can go.

You guys rock. At being terrible.