Posts Tagged ‘The Hulk’

Well hey everybody, happy Monday and hopefully you had a great post Fourth of July weekend. I certainly did, there was a party, I made my own tiny pizza, and I even played Civilization 5 with my wife and waged war against several completely innocent bystanders just because I had nothing better to do with my made up life.

Recently said wife and I had a conversation about Catwoman (don’t ask why) and in this conversation I said something along the lines of “Catwoman the movie was probably one of the worst 5 comic book movies ever” and it was as if the heavens had opened and the light of a thousand jello’s shone upon me and thus I decided to write a blog called:  

The Bottom 5: The Worst Comic Book Movies 

5. Ghost Rider 2

 Nicolas Cage… what hast thou wrought? Let me be VERY clear on something: I love Ghost Rider. He’s awesome! He’s still responsible for one of my favorite movies posters of ALL time. I mean he’s a skeletal motorcycle rider ON FIRE who fights demons and is awesome, how hard is it to make a good movie out of that? Apparently really REALLY hard, because we failed at this not once but twice! Ghost Rider 1 was at least somewhat passable as long as you closed your eyes for all the parts Nicolas Cage was on screen and not on fire. The same could be said of Ghost Rider 2 really except for the fact that the stupid that makes up the rest of the “not on fire” portions of the movie is so bad that it will seep through your closed eyes and rot your brain like so many episodes of The Vampire Diaries. Marvel recently re-acquired the rights to Ghost Rider (paying four dollars and a ham sandwich)  so hopefully they can save him like they saved The Hulk but we’ll see. Though if someone out there is super bored and wants to make me a “All On Fire” cut of Ghost Riders 1 and 2 I will pay you TWO ham sandwiches! I know… I’m so generous.

If only the movie had been half as awesome as this single image...

If only the movie had been half as awesome as this single image…

4. Fantastic Four

Let me be VERY clear on something: I hate the Fantastic Four. I know there very important to the history of comics or whatever but that’s like saying I should drink from a carton of milk from the 90’s just cause it was an important part of my childhood. I mean when you’re a child playing superhero how many of you said: “I want to be really really stretchy!!” The answer: none of you. Being stretchy is like being the bass player in a band with a great lead guitarist and Wolverine on vocals (consequently I played Bass on rockband with some friends this weekend and it was the sickness, as was I). Here’s the roster of the Fantastic Four:

Mr. Fantastic: Stupid name. Stupid powers.

Mrs. Fantastic: Power of invisibility (cause we can’t have no woman on the front lines now can we) and the power to make shields that make her nose bleed if she has to hold them for more than two seconds.  Also, she was played by Jessica Alba in the penultimate example of why Jessica Alba is not a good actress. As if Jessica Alba felt it necessary to send up a flair that spelled out “Never take me seriously as an actress” in bright blue burny lettering.

The Thing: The Hulks stupid younger cousin who has less powers, less of an interesting character, and none of the sweet anger issues. If the Hulk is an eagle soaring majestically into the Heavens on the wings of Mark Ruffalo, then the Thing is a flying fish with a broken wing… who was eaten by a shark.

The Human Torch: The only really cool member of the Fantastic Four, the Human Torch is a guy who can spontaneously light himself on fire and throw fireballs. Let me remind you that this makes 1 of 4 members of the Fantastic Four that isn’t lame, sexist, or done MUCH better elsewhere.

Add all of that into the fact that the script for this movie was probably written by a drunk parrot in a tutu and that I’m sure there were six different studio executives constantly telling the drunk parrot conflicting things that he should write about and you have yourself a terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad movie.

3. Fantastic Four 2: Rise of the Silver Surfer

But wait—there’s more!! Because this movie took all of the things that were bad about the first movie and somehow succeeded in making them much much MUCH worse. Including (but not limited to) Mr. Fantastic (every time I type that name my keyboard comes to life and punches me in the face) using his stretchy powers to (cough) dance and flirt with women. Women (assuming any of you are still reading this after my unprovoked attack on Vampire Diaries) can you think of anything less attractive and more creepy then a guy using his stretchy powers to pull you onto the dance floor?? Yeah… I thought not. Also: they take one of the most interesting and coolest characters in comics (the Silver Surfer) and completely ruined him. It’s horrible, and sad and just a waste of 2 hours’ worth of movie time. Never. Ever. Watch this.  

2. The Hulk

Oh the Hulk, to think that he made such a journey from here to the Avengers. I mean this movie was atomically bad. Eric Bana running around looking like an idiot, the Hulk being hilariously poorly animated, the brilliant majestically terrible idea that were: “Hulk dogs”, and then some sort of transformy hulk-daddy to round out the package of complete stupidity that was this movie. I mean it took Edward Norton (underrated performance in an underrated The Incredible Hulk movie), Mark Ruffalo, and Joss Whedon just to save the Hulk from the rancid, pickle scented pile of terrible that was this movie. I still have no idea at all what happened at the end of this movie. I mean there was a cloud and some green light and someone screamed something about “TAKE IT ALL” and then we were in South America. No idea what went down there.

Hulk angry at bad movie!!

Hulk angry at bad movie!!

1. Catwoman

Another character that was recently saved from terribleness by another actor (Anne Hathaway in a kick butt role in The Dark Knight Returns) the movie Catwoman stands not just as one of the worst comic book movies ever but as one of the straight up worst movies of all time. It makes one wonder how we didn’t realize that Halle Berry couldn’t actually act at all MUCH earlier. I mean watching her “slink” around in this movie is one of the most hilariously sad, weirdly terrible things ever. I mean it shouldn’t be hard to make catwoman attractive right? Tight pants, crazy athletic abilities, intelligence and after that you’ve pretty much got it, right? But no, somehow we couldn’t even get that out of Catwoman. What we got instead was a terrible movie, with laughably horrible dialogue, a story that is both confusing and completely disjointed and a hilariously bad leading actress surrounded by a somehow worst supporting cast. Like you’ve really got to work to find people worse at acting then Haley Berry in this movie but the people behind it somehow managed to accomplish it, and that feat alone ensures them first place in the Worst Comic Book movies ever listing.

Dishonorable Mention:

X-men 3: X-men United: This was like taking a delicious double decker ice cream cone (X1 and X2) and putting a stick covered in stomach acid in it. I don’t know whether it was Bryan Singer or some Sony studio exec but somebody decided “Hey this is the last movie in the trilogy let’s put every X-man that we haven’t put in a movie yet in this movie regardless of how stupid and pointless their stories are! Also, let’s take our two worst actresses Famke Jensson and Halle Berry and give them really big, emotionally intense roles, so that they can tank them entirely and ruin the series!!”

Ghost Rider 1: See Ghost Rider 2.

Superman Returns: Close competition between this and Ghost Rider 2 for the 5th spot. Ghost Rider 2 won (if we can call it that) because at least I feel like you could make a really good Ghost Rider movie if you got the right people whereas they got the right people to make Man of Steel and still only ended up with a kind-of-good movie anyway.

And there you have it comic fans! The five movies that no one should ever watch but that I (because I love you all so much) sat down and went through them. Thanks for reading everyone, check back on Thursday as I write some things with some words about some things!

Hey everybody, well here we are again, after another weekend and at the end of another Summer and just in time for the Official and totally not made up movie awards ceremony: “Totally Not Planned Out and Utterly Inconsequential Awards of the Summer Awards!… 2”!!! Just like Oscars, but nobody cares. Oh wait… nobody cares about those either? Well then… by all means.

Best Two Words of the Summer:

Puny god. (not blasphemy toward the God)

Also the only two words he speaks. Man that’s a win.

If you’ve seen the Avengers you know exactly what this is. If you haven’t seen the Avengers yet… see it. Literally the first time I watched this movie the crowd was laughing so loud at the part prior to this that I missed this line entirely. And yes I did see it twice. And yes my wife did come with me both times. Cause she’s awesome.

Best Tom Cruise of the Summer:

Ba ha ha. I’m kidding. Nobody wins with Tom Cruise. Nobody.

NObody.

Best Kids Movie:

Ice Age 4: No Seriously… It’s Ice Age 4

Okay the main competition for this was between Brave, Paranorman and Ice Age 4. I liked Brave a lot, and I thought ParaNorman was really good but in the end I’m giving it to Ice Age 4 because I was honestly very surprised by it. I know Pixar movies are going to be good, they’re Pixar movies. Pixar makes movies like I put up random pictures of muskrats.

See?

Ice Age 4 was a really solid movie that I didn’t think was necessarily going to be bad but that I wasn’t exactly flipping out about either. In the end it was just fun. Like a random picture of a muskrat.

In retrospect… they don’t actually look that fun do they?

Best Performance By a Woman Everyone Seemed to Hate for No Reason: 

Anne Hathaway

I’m not even an Anne Hathaway fan and I honestly hoped she would do well in this movie just because everyone on the internet pitched a hissy fit and screamed for their teddy bear as soon as the casting choice was announced. And speaking of bears…

Most Adorable Bears:

Brave.

Very little competition here.

Sequel I Most Didn’t Watch:

Madagascar 3

Can we all agree that the only redeemable parts from the first two movies were the parts where King Julien was hilarious? Not that I’m not a fan of incessant pointless talking and the EXTREMELY awkward section of the movies where a Giraffe is in love with a Hippo but… Oh wait yeah I’m not a huge fan of that and I hope I never watch this movie…. I’m sorry King Julien…

Movie That Probably Made Me a Better Person:

Amazing Spiderman.

No seriously. You know what I learned from Amazing Spiderman? That sometimes you’ve got to enjoy a movie. Sure I could debate the finer points of Tobey McGuire (I spell his name differently every time so if that’s not right just wait for it to come around again) vs. Andrew Garfield. Or Gwen Stacy vs. Mary Jane but ya know what? I don’t want to. I just want to relax and watch a movie. So there world!!

Movie I Surprisingly Didn’t Watch: 

Dark Shadows.

I was really excited about this movie originally but… I don’t know. Maybe it was the horrendous reviews or the fact that I feel like I’ve already seen Johnny Depp play this character or the fact that it seems to be less of a “Hey here’s a cool idea for a movie” and more of a “So what movie can we make that has Johnny being weird in it?”

Movie I Unsurprisingly Didn’t Watch:

What To Expect When You’re Expecting.

Hey look, it’s a ridiculously generic movie that I can’t relate to which stars a bunch of people I sort of hate!!! yay…

Let me just post the movie synopsis from IMDB:

A look at love through the eyes of five interconnected couples experiencing the thrills and surprises of having a baby, and ultimately coming to understand the universal truth that no matter what you plan for, life doesn’t always deliver what’s expected.

Ha ha ha…. That’s probably the funniest thing I will ever post.

Real Life Version of a Disney Character That Horrified Me The Most:

This person.

SOOOO creeped out.

Man Who Scared Me The most:

Bane.

Say what you want about Tom Hardy’s mask and not being able to really hear what he was saying but… man… the guy was horrifying.

And a return from last years column:

Pleasantest Surprise:

The Avengers

Here’s the thing. I really like Josh Whedon, I also really like Thor, Iron-man and the Hulk. I tolerate Captain America. But when was the last really good super-hero mashup movie that you watched? If you answered “never” you win. Honestly I was way too afraid The Avengers was going to be terrible to be too excited about it but then… well then it was awesome. And I believed in love again.

Best Movie of the Summer:

Ohhh… yeah I can’t call it. I’m sorry… my heart is not strong enough. Dark Knight Rises, Avengers… this song goes out to both of you. May I one day own you on DVD….

Goodbye Summer… I knew ye not well enough…

*Sings softly into the full moon*