Posts Tagged ‘The Giver’

Internet!! Sorry about yesterday… I… I have no excuse. Well to be honest I have several excuses but they are (to be frank) pretty lame. Like your face. BURN!!!! And speaking of burns it’s now time for everyone’s favorite part of the end of the summer. An awards show that features comedy, hilarity, intelligence, and very very few actual awards!!

Micah’s Summer Movie Awards 2014 

Most Rheumatoid Arthritis – Expendables 3

See, at the beginning of the Expendables movies they were kind of this cute little thing. Like all the people in  a nursing home getting together in the front yard and playing a really aggressive game of croquet… with guns. But at this point it’s kind of just depressing, you can’t shake the feeling that somewhere someone is just trying to get Sylvester Stallone to sit down for a nice cup of tea and a nap but he just keeps wandering off with his friends to play in the jungle. Poor guy.

 Most fails by the military – Godzilla

Godzilla was basically a long series of the military (US and otherwise) failing to do things. Failing to blow up a monster, failing to contain a monster, failing to move a bomb, failing to notice that a huge monster had DESTROYED THE BACK HALF OF A MOUNTAIN!!! And then Godzilla killed some stuff.  With fire. From his face.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is made of silly string and used putty.

Sure it looks impressive, but this whole thing is made of silly string and used putty.

Best Thumb Drive – Lucy

A thumb drive that was somehow also Scarlet Johanssen. I can think of about a million nerds who would literally give limbs to possess that drive.  For mere seconds.

Most Unnecessary Sequel – Transformers: Age of Extinction

As usual for the last few summers the competition for this category was stiff. With such great contestants as Think Like a Man Too, Rio 2, Expendables 3, The Purge: Anarchy, Planes: Fire & Rescue,  and of course Step Up: All In. But none of those movies could hold a candle to the huge pile of unnecessary movie-ness that was Transformers. Michael Bay took a widely criticized film franchise with utterly forgettable characters, indistinguishable robots, and a plot so thin that Miley Cyrus thought it was too revealing and decided that the best way to fix it was to change the forgettable characters with even more forgettable characters. This movie served no purpose. None. And yet (for some reason) people watched it. And that makes me sad.

Most Muscles – Hercules

Say what you want about Hercules’ bland storyline, so-so acting, and overall kind of suckiness but the Rock is a large large person… With a lion on his head.

Lion hats: because why not look like you're being eaten by a lion, all the time?

Lion hats: because why not look like you’re being eaten by a lion, all the time?

Movie no one cared about – Earth to Echo

I literally think that NO ONE watched this. Like not even the people in the movie. I think they took pictures at the premier and then went to a different movie. A better movie. Practically any movie.

Movie Least Like the Book – The Giver

If you’re ever super bored go find a big fan of The Giver and ask them what they thought of the movie. It’s hilarious. In a sad way.

Best Kids Movie – How to Train Your Dragon 2

For those of you already complaining The Lego Movie did NOT come out this summer. Calm down. Everything is Still Awesome… or whatever you people say. How to Train Your Dragon 2 managed to accomplish something so very rarely done with sequels, they paid homage to the first one, kept the feel of the world, and then expanded on those things and believably moved their characters forward. So parents, bring your kids. Watch this thing. And then put your kids to bed. And shut them up. Ha ha I’m kidding… Seriously though.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Edge of Tomorrow

A super good Tom Cruise movie. Yup… I typed that. It was great. You should watch it. Tom Cruise is in it. A lot. I think I may be ill.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Umm… Maleficent??

This was a tough category not because there weren’t bad movies. There were A LOT of bad movies, but I knew they were going to be bad. Transformers, Ninja Turtles, Get on Up, Tammy. These were all bad. But they were all predictably bad. Even Lucy I wasn’t completely sold on. The only movie that I legitimately thought was gonna be great that turned out to be bad was Maleficent. I didn’t necessarily hate maleficent but it also was not great. And thus I was unpleasantly surprised.

Movie of the Summer – Guardians of the Galaxy

Okay, there were some genuinely great movies this summer. But this was not even close. Guardians of the Galaxy is pretty much the perfect summer movie. Heartfelt, hilarious, dance-offs. Everything you could want. Ever. It was an awesome, gutsy move by Marvel and it paid off big time. Groot forever.

So, there you go guys, another year, another bunch of awards no one cares about.

Internet!! I’m back!!! Like the plague, like baby, and like black. I am back. And sick. Sick sick sick. As such, I’m going to cut the fat, trim the crap, and flip the flop as I march into the box office top ten and layeth down some smack.

 Box Office Top Ten 8/8/14

10. Boyhood

So Boyhood is about um… something. It was filmed over the course of 12 years which is impressive… but it also stars Ethan Hawke which is distinctly less impressive. It’s gotten really good reviews but this seems like snobby filmery at its finest so… I don’t know… Also it’s playing in about three theaters so, yeah. If this sounds interesting to you go for it I guess but as for me and my house… We will not, for lo I am snob, but that much snob.

9. Step Up: All In

Ha ha. Oh… it cracks me up that this series is a thing. Here’s a summary of every movie in this series: good dancing, bad story, worse acting. So if you like dancing I guess this is for you… though you do know about youtube right? Cause you can watch some awesome dancing on youtube and not have to worry about the pesky “not dancing, brick faced acting” parts.

Ladies and Gentlemen: your brick faced heroes. Buff, Shaggy, and Half-shirt.

Ladies and Gentlemen: your brick faced heroes: Buff, Shaggy, and Half-shirt.

8. Lucy

Oh Lucy… you were so close to being a decent action movie… and then you sucked. Lucy is like a child on the beach who starts building a really nice castle… and then wrecks it. And pees on it. And lights it on fire. And destroys the world.

7. The Hundred Foot Journey

If you’re looking for a new release movie to see this week, this is it. Helen Mirren is wonderful. End of story. It’s not a great action movie, and it’s by no means a perfect film but it’s Helen Mirren. Shut-up.

6. Into the Storm

It’s like Twister except… okay so it’s pretty much Twister. The affects are better, the story is worse, welcome to modern cinema everyone. We have run out of ideas, but isn’t it pretty?

And this shot is from Into the Storm... or Twister... Or maybe Man of Steel??

And this shot is from Into the Storm… or Twister… Or maybe Man of Steel??

5. The Giver

Here’s the thing: I like the book The Giver fine, but it’s not great source material for a movie. It’s all “in peoples brains” and “let’s hold hands and think about the past” and other things. It was a weird decision to make it into a movie. And it did not go well. Good cast… unsuitable source material.

4. The Expendables 3

Oh Expendables. If you want to see this movie, you probably already have. I’m not necessarily opposed to the Expendables series, sure it’s not great cinema, it won’t change your life, but it also doesn’t try to. If Lucy was a sandcastle that was destroyed midway through, Expendables is a sand castle that was finished… though granted it was made with a bucket with a hole in it… by a three year old… koala. I will probably see this at some point when I’m in the mood for some murder and my wife is nowhere nearby… but I will not pay 10 dollars. At all.

3. Let’s Be Cops

This is a horrible movie. Don’t watch it. I like New Girl as much as anyone: don’t watch this. Ever.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy

Go watch this. Read my full review here. And go watch this. Now. Are you gone?? Go.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This title is SOOO long. And this movie is bad. I mean it’s not horrible. If you like Ninja Turtles it’ll probably be worth your time but… beyond that this probably isn’t for you.  It’s dumb. Stupid. Not funny. It’s like Transformers… but worse. If such a thing is possible.

This is Michael Bay children. He will ruin your childhood dreams. He is coming for you. Run.

This is Michael Bay children. He will ruin your childhood dreams. He is coming for you. Run.

So there you go guys! Check back in Thursday when I will hopefully be more alive, more funny, and more able to make fun of Michael Bay.