Posts Tagged ‘The Expendables 2’

Okay, so after two weeks of writing about Princesses and their relative comparative princessisms I think it’s about time to get back to doing what I do best on this website. Which is of course, failing to punctuate sentences! I mean, misspelling things! I mean… movie reviewing… Yeah.

So at some point in the last two weeks someone asked me why I wasn’t reviewing movies on this site as much anymore. The reason for this is fairly simple: I don’t watch that many movies anymore. The reasons for that are many, sundry, and include (but are not limited too) me being married and wanting to spend time with my wife, me being in school, me being in a play, me writing a play, and me not really having any movies in theaters that I’m willing to pay ten bucks to watch. That said…  and since I don’t want to leave you all lost and confused as to what the world without wantonly wants. Here’s a list of the top ten movies in America and whether or not you should watch it.

The List 

Movie 10: The Campaign

I’m doing this in order from least to most grossing and by that I don’t mean which movie I find to be the grossest but rather by which  movie grossed the most money. And schlepping in at number 10 is The Campaign. A “comedy” starring Will Ferrel and Zach Galla-whatever The Campaign is your typical comedy fodder. Frankly, I don’t find most comedies that interesting or funny these days but if this is your sort of thing I suppose you could… yeah don’t do it. Please. Don’t go, save your brain.

You should watch it this week cause: you hate your brain.

Movie 9: The Odd Life of Timothy Green

Well that is a lot of Green… also an odd way to hold the guitar there Timmy.

This weeks cuddly typed child’s movie, The Odd Life of Timothy Green is a delightful family friendly snickers bar of a movie. You’re not really gonna satisfy any deep need to be entertained here but at the same time if you’ve got a kid and don’t have enough rope left to tie him to a tree while you play video games, you might as well take him to watch this movie. Also I used to have a crush on Jennifer Garner to the point where I talked myself into watching Elektra, which might be the worst comic book movie ever and the greatest misuse of the words “Jennifer Garner: Undead Ninja” ever.

You should watch it this week cause: someone’s gotta supervise those kiddies, might as well be Walt Disney.

Movie 8: The Bourne Legacy

One of the movies on this list that I sorta want to see but don’t really want to see that much, The Bourne Legacy pits Jeremy Renner against Edward Norton in a spy series that continues the legacy left behind by Matt Damon and whoever he happened to be punching that day. The movie kinda got mixed reviews, but if you’re up for a moderately intelligent film starring a guy who my wife may or may not have a crush on this movie is for you…. And/or her.

You should watch it cause: you like the first three movies… or you like the sea blue eyes and mesmerizing blond locks of Jeremy Renner. One of the two.

Movie 7: The Words

Hey look… words…

A movie about a writer who can’t write, who steals from a writer who can write, and then pretends that he wrote it. The Words is probably a lot less confusing then that sentence was. Did you know Bradley Cooper was elected world’s sexiest man last year?? Where did they go to do those poles? St. Mary’s School of the Blind? St. Martha’s School for People Who Love Bradley Cooper? I mean really? What happened to Jeremy Renner? Or the fact that Ryan Gosling has a combover and is STILL attractive? Come on ladies. Pull your weight… and not in like a fat joke way… just ya know… pull it. What was I talking about?

You should watch it cause: you think Bradley Cooper is sexy… apparently.

Movie 6: The Expendables 2

The Expendables 2 is the ultimate in “Let’s go watch stuff get blowed up” cinema. Nuff said.

You should watch it cause: stuff: it gets blowed up.

Movie 5: Paranorman

Check out my full review of this here but really Paranorman is in a very different vein of children’s movie then Timothy Green. If Timothy Green is the shiny gold medal for winning the spelling bee, then Paranorman is the 3 dollars you won for being able to spit further then Tilly Bipkins. Both good things, just achieved in very different ways.

You should watch it cause: your kids already watched Timothy Green and you want to watch a  movie you both can enjoy!!… or your name is Tilly Bipkins.

Movie 4: Lawless

“I will break you Batman!! I mean… laws.”

A movie about prohibition era moonshiners, Lawless stars Tom Hardy, Gary Oldman, and Shia Labeuf who has finally emerged from hiding now that everyone has hopefully forgotten he was in Transformers 2 and 3. Really this looks like a fairly interesting movie, and Hardy and Oldman are a ton of fun to watch. Some reviews have said that it was little too ambitious and that the plot doesn’t always hit home but on the whole it seems to be a fairly decent movie with some decent peeps.

You should watch it cause: You like good movies… or cause you’re Shia Labeufs mom and you want to forgive him for Transformers. Or cause your hoping at some point Tom Hardy will say “When I have made all the moonshine… you have my permission to die.”

Movie 3: The Possession

“All right guys… so I’ve got this movie idea for a movie… and it’s about a little girl, and her parents fight all the time, and she gets possessed by a demon! And is demonic! And scary! And stuff happens!!”

“Bob that movies been made. Like a lot. A lot of movies like that have been made. And they were all sort of terrible.”

“Yeah but this time, the demon is Jewish!!”

“Uh-huh…”

“That’s new right? Jewish demons?”

“I guess so… but really what difference does that…”

“No, hah! You said it was different and that’s it. I’m taking 5 million dollars and making this movie right now!”

“Bob no one will watch it. Everyone will know that they have seen this movie before.”

“No they won’t. They won’t know. They’ll watch it anyway! Cause if there’s anything we’ve learned about the average American it’s that they’ll pay to watch anything that looks even moderately like something that might one day sort of resemble a somewhat halfway decent movie.”

And there you go America. Congratulations.

You should watch it cause: … umm… you like… Jewish demons?

Movie Number 2: Finding Nemo 3D:

Cause why not right? I mean we already paid to see it once!!

You know this movie’s plot. You’ve probably seen this movie a lot of times, but now someone has made it go all wibbly so that if you wear funny glasses it looks like the fish and all the fish pee in the ocean is coming out at you. Yay.

You should watch it cause: you have kids who have never seen it before and you hate DVD’s and saving money.

Movie Number 1: Resident Evil: Retribution

Resident Evil: Ludicrously over the top since the day it was born.

Confession: I have watched all of the movies in this series. For a little while me and my roommate of the time went on a sci-fi/horror spree and watched all of the Aliens movies, all of the Predator movies, and all of the Resident Evil movies in like… a week. We slept very little. Anyway all that to say, they aren’t the worst movies ever… but neither are they the best… or good. They’re just sort of okay. Stuff happens, things get blown up, Milla Jovavich continues to be a really cool name, and all the while there are zombies. And zombie dogs. And Giant zombie zombies. If you liked the other movies in this series you will probably like this one. If you didn’t like them or never bothered to watch them now is probably not the time to start.

You should watch it cause: you liked the other movies and aren’t feeling awake enough to watch Lawless.

Man, it’s been forever since I did this. Honestly it’s because most of the trailers that have come out in the last few months have been roughly as interesting as the slight scar I have on my left foot from that time I kicked a dinosaur. Anyway though, my dino abuse aside, it’s time to pull out my gavel made from the crushed dreams of tiny baby typed Marmosets, and do some judging!

Also, in random side note news, way to go America!! Mad props to the women of the women’s Gymnastics team, MAD. SKILLS. I actually managed to watched the Women’s Team All Around Gold Medal Round of Medallia and all I can say is: Batman would be proud.

(Per usual all of these trailers are available online)

And moving on.

Skyfall:

Is Britain really full of long circular hallways or is that just promo stuff?? Somebody help me out here.

I think Daniell Craig is an awesome, awesome man. No really. Probably my second favorite Bond ever and I only say that because I have a statue of Sean Connery in my house! (No I don’t) Craig’s first run at Bond (Casino Royal) completely redeemed the series after it had languished in the horrible, terrible hands of Pierce Brosnan who may be the most opposite thing to the person who should play James Bond since Martha Stewart.

After that Quantum of Solace was frankly a horrible movie that I’m convinced was written by people with a fetish for massive explosions and horrible one liners.

With Skyfall it looks like Bond is firmly back on track. The story looks incredibly interesting, the villain (Javier Bardem who you might remember as that terrible horrible awesome guy from No Country for Old Men) looks sweet, and James Bond looks like James Bond. Also Q is back!! (If you don’t know who he is don’t worry. It probably just means you’re less of a nerd then I am)

Cloud Atlas:

I’m sure this is all some sort of Metaphor for something… I have no idea what…

I’m gonna be real honest here. I have watched this trailer three times and I have absolutely no idea what it’s about. None. Something about times coinciding? Re-incarnation? Time travel? I have no idea. Tom Hanks is in it though so that makes me kind of want to hate it. Other than that my only thought is that this looks to be an incredibly confusing movie… and not confusing in a good way like Inception where you spent the whole time figuring out cool new things but just… confusing. Where you spend the whole time trying to figure out if you could sneak out of the theater without anyone noticing.

The Campaign:

Don’t believe the poster… this is not a smart movie.

Confession: When this movie was first announced I was sort of excited. Cause Will Ferrel can (occasionally) sort of (rarely) but sometimes be (mildly) funny. There… I feel I qualified that statement enough.

And Zach Gallifinakis doesn’t make me want to punch him in the face ALL the time. I’m not a huge fan of comedy movies. They generally devolve into a lot of dumb sex jokes and toilet related sort of humor that every four year old junior higher could think of if you put him on enough red-bull.

The Campaign is a political comedy and at least a political comedy should have something besides those things right?? I mean surely there will be SOME jokes made from an intelligent premise right??….

Nope. Not at all. Just watching the trailer I can tell you that this will be another dumb comedy for people who can’t think of their own terrible jokes and want to go to a theater to have their IQ’s lowered. Yay.

The Expendables 2:

This is either a movie poster or the best commercial for Old Spice ever… not sure which…

Okay so… here’s another confession. I sort of liked the first Expendables. I know, I know but shut up for a second before you start throwing things at your monitor in vapid frustration. Cause here’s the thing, I LOVE good storylines, I HATE bad storylines, but the Expendables managed to sneak into my “like” category by mostly sort of not having a storyline at all. I literally have no idea what the movie was about. I vaguely recall there being a hot girl and some kind of South American revolution but I just described the exact plot of five bajillion other action movies so I won’t count it.

What Expendables 1 did right though was just giving me an excuse to watch some classic movie action heroes punch each other. I like Sly Stallone, I like Jason Stathom, and I like Jet Li. Sure the story was forgettable, but the action was awesome and the writing between the characters was entertaining and funny enough to keep me interested. Will I pay ten bucks to go see Expendables 2?? Nah. Probably not. Will I definitely watch it when it comes out on DVD on a night when my wife isn’t there to make fun of me for watching a stupid movie? Absolutely.

And there you have it… sort of a shorter post today so check back tomorrow for another newer, more interesting post that might talk about the Olympics or any of the other four hundred thirty seven ideas floating around in my head. For now, goodnight America, and go USA!