Posts Tagged ‘The Boss’

Well hey Internet, and happy days. As we continue our transition from summer to fall, from youth to comfortable middle age, from fresh pizza to the in some ways even more tasty cold pizza, we find ourselves heading towards a black hole of uninteresting movies (at least until the magnificent seven comes out) and so what are we to turn to in our time of entertainment need?? Well… maybe… Monopoly?? Family… times??? Redbox?? Let’s go with Redbox, I’m not qualified to write on monopoly, and I love family times as much as the next guy but… this isn’t that blog. So let’s see the top 5 and (the far more fun) bottom 5 of what’s going on right now, in that big red box.

Top 5 in Redbox

These aren’t necessarily in worst to best order or anything like that, just five movies worth checking out as you wait for someone to wake you up, when September ends.

The Jungle Book

The Jungle Book (1967)

No no. Not that one, the one with the graphics and the plotline, and the less singing.


Great movie! Awesome voice cast, stunning visuals, very well acted! Sure it’s a repeat, but it’s a really solid, great movie, that the whole family can enjoy! Boy, this is fun huh? What a great month to rent a movie, I’m sure there won’t be a precipitous dive in movie quality at all!!! Let’s move on to that next great movie shall we?

… Oh… Oh no… Umm… okay hang on umm…

Umm… Race??? I guess.


Just the post Olympics, Olympic movie we’ve been waiting for.


Race is a really good movie but… it came out a good while ago, guys, I’d frankly be surprised if it were actually IN any redbox’s. But if you can find it, you go for it! It’s the shizzle!! But you may have (brace yourselves) run out of time!!

Whiskey Tango Foxtrot??? Maybe sort of… A better than average movie, starring the fantastic Tina Fey and Martin Freeman! And yes, we’re already settling for “better than average.”

It’s worth mentioning that Zootopia is in Redbox, but that’s also coming to Netflix next month so… unless you have a REALLY strong desire to see a fox and a rabbit talk to a sheep in front of a computer… you can probably wait a week or so.

And that’s about it guys. Those were the good movies I could find… those three movies. Maybe consider actually learning the rules to Monopoly, you may need them.

The Bottom 5:

And now onto a list that it was hard to make not because there were too few options, but because there were far FAAAARRRR to many. I had to leave a movie with Amanda Seyfried (my least favorite person in Hollywood) entirely off this list!! Where is the justice in this world?!?!

The Boss


The Boss, cause Melissa McCarthy needed a new garage.


An unambitious, unfunny comedy featuring two very talented ladies (Kristen Bell and Melissa McCarthy) suffereing through a bland, uninteresting, almost tortuously boring movie. The only person who cared about this movie less than the audiences who watched it, were the people who starred in it.

Batman V. Superman

Somewhere, in some alternate universe this was a good movie. A couple different decisions, maybe a better writer and a different director… the bones for a good movie are here, but (as the old song says) dem bones, dem bones, dem dry unappealing, overly mopey movie bones.


Okay if you want to see just the utter and final breakdown of Nic Cages slow, years long spiral into insanity. This is it. A movie so mind numbingly bad it very literally snapped whatever tiny strand of sanity Nicolas Cage had left. If you like hilariously bad movies: this is the one for you. If you like hilarious bad posters, here you go:


Yup… this is a real thing.


The Divergent Series: Allegiant

A movie so bland, and mailed in it may have literally killed the entire franchise. Literally they may move this entire series to TV now just because audiences cared about it so little. “Maybe,” they thought “if we make the movie free, break it up into dozens of pieces, and pipe it directly into their  homes, they’ll like our movie!” Just as a spoiler: They will not like it.

My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

In an age and time filled with unnecessary reboots and sequels, it seems only fitting to end this article with the most unnecessary sequel of all! And it’s double points cause it was also about twenty years too late. So bask in the glory MBFGW 2. In a time of great suckitude, your suck has risen to the top! Go you.

Well guys… brace yourselves for September, hold you loved ones close, and check back Thursday when I break down the top 10 westerns of all time!

Well hey Internet, and welcome to another week in a month that can’t seem to make up its mind whether it wants to be spring or not. April, you’re spring. I promise. I know it’s hard sometime, what with winter standing next to you looking all dark and menacing with its beard all full of snowman, and crushed dreams and Jack Frost biting noses or whatever. But you’re spring, April. Be brave.

And on with the show:

Box Office Top Ten: 4/12/2016

10. Eye in the Sky

A movie starring Helen Mirren and Aaron Paul, Eye in the Sky is a taught, well told, political thriller. Good luck finding a theater showing it though! Ironically about a movie centering around drones that see everywhere: you can’t see this thing anywhere.  Also: Alan Rickman, is in this. Sadness.


We miss you, Allen.


9. 10 Cloverfield Lane

Another great, very well told suspense movie Cloverfield Lane is not just for fans of the original Cloverfield. In fact the two have practically nothing to do with each other. They aren’t sister movies, so much as they are second cousin movies who have never met, or spoken to one another. Cloverfield was kind of clunky, and poorly shot, and basically was one semi-effectual gimmick away from being just another dumb monster movie. Cloverfield Lane is well shot, brilliantly acted, and very well streamlined. It’s great. Go see it (assuming you can find it.)

8. The Divergent Series: Allegiant

Speaking of clunky movies: Allegiant. The Hunger Games movie kind of got progressively worse (though 2 was still very good) and the Divergent Series seems to be following the Hunger Games straight down the steep steep landslide into terrible. The first movie in the series was tolderable, the last two have been nigh on unwatchable. It’s a shameful waste of Shailene (yes that’s how you spell her name) Woodley, but not as much of a shameful waste as the people whose time was wasted watching it.


“Wait, I can’t leave until I do another one of these?”


7. God’s Not Dead 2

It’s basically that “God’s Not Dead” movie just… again. Even in the niche genre of “Christian Movies” this is pretty bad. Not unlike the incredibly polar opposite genre the Horror movie, Christian movies can be really good, but tend to mire themselves down too much with sticking to tired tropes and feeding their existing fan base, but not really focusing on telling good stories, or writing complete characters.

6. Miracles From Heaven

Another Christian Genre movie, Miracles From Heaven is MUCH better then God’s Not Dead 2 (or GND2 as I will now refer to it.) It’s by no means The King Speech or anything but Jennifer Garner delivers a great performance in the lead and the characters are more rounded and the story more balanced.

5. Hardcore Henry

And speaking of Genre movies, here’s Hardcore Henry. An interesting idea, and definitely a movie aimed squarely at action fans, Hardcore Henry doesn’t even really bother with a story so much as it moves one hot person from one place to another and then make the main character (Henry as you may have assumed) chase her. It’s basically Mario… if Mario were an insane psychopathic murderer with a camera in his head… So not that much like Mario.




4. My Big Fat Greek Wedding 2

What’s that?? A sequel that came FAR too late, and that no one really wanted turned out not have any original ideas and lacked any sort of narrative structure or humor??? And is getting slammed by critics. Man. That is shocking. If only I had been saying that on this blog since this movie was announced. Seriously Hollywood, why did you make this??? Who thought this was a good idea??

3. Zootopia

Really the only widely available must see movie on this list, Zootopia still sits at a whopiing 98% on Rotten Tomatoes. Funny, inventive, and heartfelt Zootopia isn’t quite up there with Inside Out, but it is still a great movie that you should see regardless of the presence of small children in your life. And that you should DEFINITELY take your small children to see. By the time you get out of there it may be time for them to go to bed, And isn’t that the best time?

2. Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice

Somewhat shocking to find BvS at number 2 already but word of mouth is KILLING this movie. Even I can’t fully recommend going to see this, that said, it’s not terrible. I mean it’s not Fantastic 4. I’d even say, it’s better than Man of Steel (though not by much.) BvS’s big problem is that it was made by a person with what could charitably called a “lack of regard” for the characters he’s working with. Zach Snyder directs a good fight scene, but he hasn’t built a good world or interesting characters to inhabit the space between those fights.

1. The Boss

The talented duo of Melissa McCarthy and Kristen Bell turn in a VERY by the numbers comedy that doesn’t really make use of neither the talent, nor the duoness it has at its disposal. The jokes these two have to work with bring this whole movie crashing down around itself and it’s a shame that it never lives up to the strength of its cast.


“Yeah… sorry kid. I don’t want to be here either.”

So there you go guys! The top ten, with a sad sad amount of bottomness involved. Check back Thursday for more excitement, more thrills, more thoughts… we might have had.

Well hey Internet, happy Friday, and all that weekend stuff. So after Wednesday’s triumphant triumph, in which I definitely solved all of DC’s problems forever. I thought I’d take a post just to look around at the movie landscape and see what other problems I could solve, what other rights I could wrong, what vague references to candy products I could make!

Weekly Headlines: 4/8/2016

So probably the biggest movie news of the week was the new Star Wars Rogue One trailer. To sum it up: It’s pretty sweet. I mean it’s not as awesome as the first Force Awakens trailer but it looks really good! Like the new heroine interesting appearance by Mon Mothma (if you don’t know who Mon Mothma is then congratulations: you are not a Star Wars nerd. Enjoy that whole, real life thing.) I’m not sure how I feel about that old man taking out Stormtroopers with a stick… they’re in armor right??? If you hit a stormtrooper with a stick that doesn’t… work, right?? Anyway, other than that I thought it looked great. Love a more, boots on the ground, Star Wars story. I think it’ll give us a cool look at Star Wars outside of the 6 characters we’ve been following around the galaxy for the last thirty years. JJ Abrams brought the Star Wars Franchise back, but this is the first real entirely new Star Wars concept and I’m all in after the trailer. Though I was disappointed that Wash (Alan Tudyk) didn’t make an appearance, though apparently he’s doing motion capture for a droid, which I did find dissapointing.


One of the bigger questions is: who’s this guy? And why is he staring at that giant frozen Capri Sun?

Melissa McCarthy is coming back to Gilmore Girls. Yay. Be excited Stars Hollow people, this is good because Melissa McCarthy is an important part of the Gilmore Girls… girliverse?? And because it was gonna be real awkward to have her character constantly “in the other room” or “She just went to pick up the kids” or “something something probably coffee.”

Charlize Theron just signed on to play the main villain in Fast 8. The latest entry in the “how many weird ways can we use the words on The Fast and Furious” series. I mean we had Furious 7, now we’ve got Fast 8. What’s after this?? “The 9??” TFF9??? Still though, Theron will be fine. If nothing else Fast and Furious has proven it can have actors growl lines about “The street” convincingly. Maybe something about “It’s all about family” while sipping on a “Corona” driving a “chevy” and cashing their “promotional checks.”


Fast 8: Cause someone, somewhere is still watching these.

Jungle Book: Origins has been pushed back again, this time all the way back to 2018. This Jungle Book not to be confused with the one that comes out next week, is directed by Andy “The Gollum” Serkis. This might be a reaction to the VERY positive early reviews from Disney’s Jungle Book, which (according to critics) “Is a movie, about a Jungle, but (in a shocking and unexpected twist) doesn’t actually feature any books.”

Batman V Superman: Dawn of Nerd Whining dropped more than one hundred million dollars between its first week and its second week while remaining the top movie at the box office. Expect another drop this week, but also expect it to stay atop the box office for another week. It’s biggest competition this week is gonna be umm… The Boss, I guess? A comedy starring the aforementioned Melissa McCarthy and featuring virtually no actual comedy, but only a tofu comedy-like substance.


On the wall behind the painting, is another painting of another Melissa McCarthy. It’s Melissa McCarthy Inception: Melception.

That said, expect Jungle Book to come out next week and wipe the floor with BvS’s narratively confused corpse. Early reviews have been great and after two weeks with nothing to see but two superheroes growling about how much it sucks to be a superhero, people will flock to a movie that features likeable characters, a sensical story, and the one thing that Batman V Superman lacked the most: a giant monkey with the voice of Christopher Walken. Which (if you think about it) is what we’ve all been missing. All our lives.

Thank you Christopher, and goodnight.