Posts Tagged ‘Thanksgiving’

Internet! Welcome back, bring your festive hearts, your taste buds, and your hopes and dreams cause today we’re building a nice little sarcasm fire, and it’s all going in!!

Let me first have a serious paragraph, for all the times sake. I think thanksgiving is great, I think the food is great, I love spending time with family and friends, and I think we have so much to be thankful for in this country and in this world. It’s a terrifying thing sometimes our world, but I think if instead of focusing on the things that scare us, we can focus on the things that we’re grateful for, we can make it just that much better.

All that said: this website is not built on the principles of family values and being grateful. No, we here at Thoughts We Might Have Had have spent literally years carefully cultivating a wonderfully bitter, sarcastic attitude. We’ve started storing our sarcasm in stout wooden barrels and aging it for years before opening it and unleashing it on an unsuspecting holiday. So while we truly appreciate Thanksgiving, and wouldn’t trade that day for anything, I am now going to spend the next several hundred words arbitrarily judging Thanksgiving food. So let’s get started with that.

Thanksgiving Foods, from Worst to Best.

10. Indian Corn

What is the point of this stuff exactly?? You can’t eat it unless you happen to be Arnold Schwarzaneger’s Terminator from the recently released Terminator: Geniyisiys. I can’t help but look at Indian corn and think the Native American’s just threw that in the Thanksgiving meal to mess with the Pilgrims. I mean I would! And you can’t exactly blame them on account of the fact that we mostly sort of stole their country. So you can have Indian Corn, Native American’s or Native American Corn, Indians… this got confusing… and racist.

Moving on.

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Indian Corn: Cause why have edible food

9. Stuffing

Some people love stuffing but here is an actual recipe for stuffing that I in no way made up: Take bread, mix bread with anything in your kitchen you can reach, jam up Turkey’s butt. That is how stuffing is made. And people LOVE stuffing, my little sister literally had an entire dance she would dance every time we had stuffing while singing ‘I love stuffing’ repeatedly. But erase that cute image of little sisters dancing overhead and remember that you are eating bread and little breadlets… from a Turkey Butt.

8. Dressing

I only very recently learned that dressing and stuffing were different. The recipe and flavor are basically the same but ‘dressing’ is generally not cooked in a Turkey butt… so that’s something I guess. But it’s still basically bread and some things that fell out of the spice rack, cooked in a pan and mixed with a spoon so… do what you want with that.

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Stuffing and dressing: No really, there’s a difference.

7. Umm… peas?

I have no problem with the taste of peas but trying to eat the things is a ten minute ordeal that is in no way worth the actual peas. I mean they’re fine, but they’re not worth the work. Like building a snowman after the first snowfall of the year, cause you know that’s gonna be gone in like… a day. So why not put that energy into something more productive like snowball fights, snow cones, or snow… yellowing.

That got weird.

6. Biscuits/rolls

Nothing sooths the soul quite like a well-made biscuit or biscuit dough product. They’re not the All-Stars of the thanksgiving meal but they always show up to work, punch the clock, put in their 8-5 and then head home to their little biscuit houses to relax with their bisquik-kids. And so, we here at Thoughts We Might Have Had salute you biscuits, may you rise long, live warm, and taste well… or good. Dang grammar.

5. Dark Turkey Meat

Dark Turkey Meat is good… but kind of slimy. It tastes about the same as lighter turkey meats but the texture is just kind of off. Like watching Keanu Reaves try and play a Shakespearean character there’s nothing specifically wrong with it, there’s just a disconnect between one thing and the other thing that leaves you going… ‘huh’ and who wants to ‘huh’ at Thanksgiving dinner? Save that for after thanksgiving dinner when you drop into a food coma and wake up with sharpie all over your face.

Much Ado About Nothing (1993)Directed by Kenneth Branagh Shown: Keanu Reeves

Keanu Reeves and Shakespeare: Like marrying Anna Kendrick to a Walnut.

4. Mashed Potatoes

Is there any food to which we are more cruel than potatoes?? I mean really, what did potatoes ever do to you?? We dice them, boil them, scallop them (whatever that is), stuff them, bake them, TWICE bake them (cause once wasn’t enough), and then just to top it all off we skin them, boil them, mash them, puree them and then cover them in butter… though that last one is less a torture thing I’ll admit. Still though, this one’s for you potatoes. You poor, poor, delicious… vegetable???

3. Cream Corn

Cream corn is the Ferrari of corn. Sure, you can eat little corn nibblins, or you can eat it off the cobb like a barbarian you mud faced disgrace, but cream corn??? It’s luxurious. It’s eating corn, in a bed of other delicious corn related juices. Of course the crazy thing is, I always just assumed cream corn could only be made by professionals. Professional wizards. Potentially with the help of aliens and that green giant guy. But it turns out you can make cream corn yourself… at home. Granted it takes a whole field of corn, and some heavy construction equipment, and honestly canned cream corn is still awesome, but it can be done!! You can do it! We all believe in you… somewhat.

2. Cranberry Sauce

I’m a huge sucker for Cranberry sauce. Whether it’s the canned cranberry sauce that tastes great but resembles cranberries in no actual way, or the one with real cranberries still in it that is somehow slightly less good and resembles cranberries a little too much. I’m all in on the cranberried sauce. Maybe it’s cause I’m a naturally bitter and hateful person and cranberry sauce speaks to my heart, as it’s made out of a small bitter berry that is constantly being forcibly combined with the juices from every other fruit known to man, and cranberries just want to be left alone with their wife and PS4!!!! But I may be reading into that too much.

1. White Meat Turkey

Sorry other things on this list, you can’t beat the classic. The turkey rises above the rest of the meal like a gobbling Colossus bestriding the table. And why not? Not only is it delicious by itself but it also combines with numbers 2 and 4 on this list beautifully. Have some turkey and mashed potatoes, some cranberry sauce on your turkey, go nuts man. It’s thanks-frikkin’-giving!!! Be Crazy!!! … Though maybe don’t call it ‘thanks-frikkin’-giving… probably takes away from the mood some.

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Just in case this post didn’t make you hungry enough, I’ll just leave this here.

So there you go guys, the top ten, the rankings the only way Thanksgiving food can EVER be ranked. Enough of you and your personal thoughts and tastes, I have declared myself KING of thanksgiving ye peasantry, tremble at my mighty Turkey leg scepter and throne of Mashed Potatoes! Or I don’t know… maybe just think what you want and eat what you like… whichever you want. I’ll be in my room.

Internet!! Welcome back and if you’ve never read our site before then regular welcome and please come back… or get back, ya know, whichever.

Anyway, yesterday I promised you the best Thanksgiving movie of all time, and today I am here to deliver. Like UPS or (in a far creepier example) an OBGYN. So strap in everybody… this ain’t gonna be pretty.

Let’s get one thing out of the way right away, this is in not a list of movies that happen to have Thanksgiving in them. Thanksgiving has to at least be a focus of the movie. For instance, one of the sites I was using as a reference listed ‘The Blind Side’ as a thanksgiving movie. And sure, at some point in that movie they ate Thanksgiving dinner but that in no ways makes The Blind Side a football movie. It’s a movie primarily focusing on football, and Sandra Bullock having a southern accent and being short. That’s basically it. Very little thanks is actually giving’d. So before we get to our grand winner, lets talk about some movies that are Thanksgiving themed that didn’t quite measure up to the high standards set by we here at the Thoughts We Might Have Had Institute for Giving Thanks.

Thankskilling 

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Just… just no words for this.

 

Yup. The best part about this movie isn’t that someone said to themselves, “What if we made a horror movie about a killer Turkey haunting a family on Thanksgiving” but the fact that after the horrible sludge pile of a movie that Thankskilling was finished that self same person said to himself “I really should make two more of these.” I mean, really??? You couldn’t think of something better to do with your Thanksgiving spirit? You couldn’t take that weird rubber turkey and let some hobo light it on fire and use it for warmth? That way at least some good would have come from whatever horrible mental trauma you suffered that made you think this was a good idea.

Planes, Trains and Automobiles 

Planes Trains and Automobiles is a Steve Carrel movie back when Steve Martin was still Steve Martin and before he become Weirdly Ageless but WAY Less Funny Steve Martin. PT and A (yeah I abbreviated that) is kind of a weird movie cause it really feels like it should be a great family movie about a man who just wants to get home for Thanksgiving but it’s also rated R and features some decidedly un-Grandma approved language. Like someone went through Winnie the Pooh and just added in a new character named Swearsy McGee who turns up every so often to yell obscenities at Tigger.

Free Birds – 

A movie that prominently features Turkeys and Time travel, Free Birds makes it on this list purely because it looks like this list will be WAY shorter then I thought it would be. Do not watch this movie. Do not let your kids watch this movie. I don’t care if you were physically IN the movie, you should not watch it.

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While this is technically true, I think it’s only competition is Thankskiling so… it’s not a big win.

 

Look guys, let’s just take a second here and be honest with ourselves. There are almost no good Thanksgiving movies. I mean yeah, if you want to stretch the rules to ‘movies where Thanksgiving is mentioned’ that’s a huge list. I mean Rocky is on that list, and when Rocky is in your list about Thanksgiving Movies you know you’re doing something wrong. So why delay the inevitable?? Why continue this farcical farce of farcecapulence when we all know where this is going eventually anyway??

The Best Thanksgiving Movie Ever is:

Charlie Brown’s Thanksgiving

Look, it’s not exactly the longest thing ever (clocking in at a cool 27 minutes) but it just IS thanksgiving. There are a lot of Christmas movies that get you in that Christmas mood, but this is the only Thanksgiving movie that does that. I mean sure you could watch Steve Martin cuss for a bit, or try and depress yourself to death by remembering that an actual thinking human being thought that Thankskilling was a good idea, but why do that when you can watch Charlie Brown and his gang do their Thanksgiving thing. So this year I recommend everyone just take a half hour out of your day, and check this thing out (the full video is on youtuve) you’ll laugh, you’ll cry, your heart strings will be plucked like a piano. And most importantly for just a little while you might be able to forget your troubles for a bit, and be grateful for all the things we have. It’s certainly not the funniest thing I’ve ever done with this blog, but it might be the most important.

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This is exactly what you want out of a Thanksgiving movie. Exactly.

 

So there you go guys, a surprisingly heartfelt movie about giving thanks, from someone who has spent the last 4 years or so running a blog in which he complains about movies. Yay for irony!! Thanks for reading, have a great weekend and I will see you Tuesday for a very special thanksgiving meal episode of Thoughts We Might Have Had.

Thanksgiving

Posted: November 26, 2014 by Micah in Randomnicity
Tags: , , ,

Hey guys, sorry I didn’t post yesterday. I was sick. Am sick. And shall be sick forevermore it seems. But fortunately for me, thanks to the magic of the internet space time continuum. Here’s a video that I recorded a week ago (back when I was alive) all about thanksgiving, awesomeness, and pajama clad historical figures.

Well hey Internet!! Happy day after the day after Doctor Who came back!! And oh what a Doctor Who it was! Anyway, I’m sure some of you people came here for something besides me talking about Doctor Who (though… I’m sure not most of you) Some of you came here because it says something about Thanksgiving in the headline of this article and you thought I would be following that up with some sort of actual article about Thanksgiving.

Obviously you don’t come to this site a lot.

Seriously though, I am gonna talk about Thanksgiving today and try to keep my nerdy Doctor Who references to a minimum. But seriously: that thing was awesome!

Micah’s History of Everything: American Thanksgiving

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What? What do you mean this has nothing to do with Thanksgiving. I’m thankful.

So after alienating an entire country on Thursday by making fun of Canada and the potential future NOT-Canadian city Quebec, I figured I would bring the pain all the way back around and talk about our very own Thanksgiving a few days before actual Thanksgiving because let’s be honest: I’m not posting that day.

The History:

American Thanksgiving all started long ago in a galaxy far far away when Darth Vader and Luke Skywalker landed in Jamestown. Seriously though, about a hundred pilgrims (ancient forefathers of John Wayne) piled into a boat roughly the size of a Ford Pinto and spent several months on a horrifying ship ride to America. But it wasn’t all bad, ancient pilgrims played many ancient ship style games including such classic as: Scurvy catching, Tie the yellow ribbon ‘round your parents so they don’t drown, and starving to death.

Fortunately things got much better for the Pilgrims when they landed in America and they became involved in such activities as: failing to farm, freezing their tiny pilgrim bonnets off, and (cause why fix what ain’t broken) starving to death. The next winter they met Tanto, an Indian who lived nearby and was to be portrayed many years later by Johnny Depp. Tanto was—hang on—oh Squanto. I see…

When the Pilgrims met Squanto he taught them many valuable lessons such as: how to plant corn with a dead fish so that it would grow better!! (no seriously… that was a thing. Though it does sound like a hilarious Indian prank doesn’t it? Can’t you just see Squanto going back to his indian tribe saying “Hey guys you’ll never guess what I got the Pilgrims to do today…” And then his Indian tribe telling him that he probably will never be portrayed by Johnny Depp??)  

Anyway the pilgrims were very grateful for their corn (even though some pilgrims reported a “fishy aftertaste”) and decided to get together with the Indians and celebrated a brand new holiday! A holiday that they decided to call “Not Starving To Death!!” and much happiness ensued.

Many years later we decided to change the name of the Holiday to Thanksgiving because it was much easier for the people at Hallmark to spell. Thanksgiving was of course officially made a Holiday in 1863 by Abraham Lincoln who was quoted as saying “I’m just thankful that this will be what I’m primarily remember for by History!”  Rather than set a solid date for the Holiday though Lincoln decided to have Thanksgiving be celebrated on the last Thursday of thanksgiving which is the plot for the upcoming movie “Lincoln 2: Thanksgiving Thursday” starring Daniel Day Lewis and a lot of other famous people who won’t actually do much in the movie.

In 1942 after a frankly sad amount of controversy Congress officially fixed Thanksgiving as the fourth holiday in November because (as Congress has believed for many many years) if something is already slightly confusing why not make it SUPER confusing just to mess with people! So thanks Congress! Happy fourth or last Thursday in November to you too…

Holiday traditions:

One of the things that happens every year on Thanksgiving for some reason is that a president will take some time off of ruling the free world or trying to build a functioning website and pardon a turkey that has a maximum total lifespan of two years. That turkey will then go off to a farm somewhere or something where it will die of natural causes in a matter of months and then probably be buried with a twenty one gun salute in the National Turkey Cemetery by Daniel Day Lewis’s house.  Don’t get me wrong I think having the President spare a turkey once a year is fine but is “pardon” the word we really want to uses here? I mean did the Turkey do something to merit being eaten? Is this some sort of criminal turkey smoking large cigars and ordering whack jobs on other less well off birds? If so, that is an awesome Turkey and we should definitely pardon it… this calls for more research!! (anxious key tapping)

I forgot I don’t research anything… what were we doing? Oh yeah… traditions.

Traditionally on Thanksgiving women labor intensively to cook large elaborate meals while their husbands talk about politics and the football games that aren’t on yet. Afterword’s families gather around a table and eat tons of food while (hopefully) remembering to be thankful for it. (consequently I recently learned how “homemade cream corn” is made and my life has been changed forever.) Regardless of that though after the meal the men traditionally watch roughly five minutes of football before dropping into a deep coma that they will emerge from just in time to panically Christmas shop.

Another fun thanksgiving tradition is to inflate giant balloons of beloved child-hood characters and float them down streets in New York in the hopes of really freaking out any sleeping children in the buildings around the parade site.

And that’s actually pretty much it! Thanks for reading guys, you folks are the best and I know I went off on Thanksgiving in the past couple paragraphs but let me just say that I am so thankful for all of you readers and all the incredible gifts and blessings the Lord has blessed me with! Have a happy Thanksgiving everyone, hold your families close, your Turkey’s closer, and be on the lookout for a giant floating Snoopy. That guy is messed up man. Messed. Up.

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Snoopy sees you. He always sees you.