Posts Tagged ‘Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’

So Internet… the time has come. The time to look back and the year behind us… and remember all the terrible things that happened to us. Specifically all the bad things that happened to us in the theater. And oh my friends… there were some bad things that happened in the theater this year. Now, as usual I’m gonna review the 5 worst movies I actually saw and then the 5 worst movies according to critics. The reason for this is that I (being a man of sound mind and small wallet) try to avoid spending money on movies that I know are going to be bad. As such, the bottom 5 movies I saw this year are (for the most part) much less bad then the usual bad movies. Just so that’s been said.

The Worst 5 Movies I Saw in 2014 

Number 5: I, Frankenstein  I actually didn’t hate I, Frankenstein. I mean, it wasn’t a good movie, but it wasn’t terrible. Frankenstein murdered stuff, Miranda Otto made some incredibly unfortunate decisions, and transformed into  a rock for… some reason, but it wasn’t terrible. That said the storyline was terrible, the dialogue made very little sense, and the fact that for some reason the villain died in a massive fireball that practically destroyed the world AND then leaves a massive hole in some country somewhere that leads directly to actual hell. Ya know… when you put it that way… it was a pretty bad movie.

Number 4: Jack Ryan: Shadow Recruit  Jack Ryan wasn’t actually that bad it was just… SUPER boring. Nothing actually happened through the entire movie it was just a lot of… stuff… that sort of happened to be happening. Plus Kiera Knightely had an American accent in it which I’m pretty sure is actually unconstitutional. I mean… why? Why would you do that? Aside from your boring plot, lack of action, vague threat, and waste of Kenneth Branagh did you HAVE to ruin Keira Knightley????

I really don't think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

I really don’t think you guys understand how Kiera Knightely works.

Number 3: Maleficent  I was genuinely excited about Maleficent. Disney re-do of a little understood villain starring Angelina Jolie!! That made sense to me, I was in. But then that movie made very little sense. Maleficent wasn’t a good person who became a villain through a tragic course of events. Maleficent was a rogue giant faerie in a world of tiny people and giant trees, who was alternately allergic to metal and completely unaffected by it, and then (also alternatively) a complete tower of unstoppable magic power and utterly helpless. Also, she was SUPER indecisive. And weird. And wings somehow attached themselves to her back and played a significant role in killing a man who has what was easily the worst and most unnecessary Scottish accent in the history of cinema.

Number 2: 47 Ronnin  This movie was bad. Really bad. But ya know what else it was? Hilarious!! Super. Super funny. And not on purpose either, it was super funny and it didn’t realize it. Keanu Reeves was making all of his most serious faces. We were desperately sprinting all over feaudal japan ignoring gaping plot holes the size of volcanoes. It was (very seriously) the funniest movie I watched this year. So thank you 47 Ronnin, for all of the wonderfully horrible gifts that you gave us.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Keanu Reeves: Quite possibly the least Japanese person ever.

Number 1: Lucy  I was super confused by how many people didn’t hate this movie. I mean I was down with it for about the first hour or so, but let’s remember that at the end of the movie (spoiler alert) the main character actually becomes a thumb drive. No. Seriously. That’s what happens. And even then the movies “grand philosophical answer to life” was really not that grand… and sort of basic… and changes nothing about the way any normal person thinks about their lives. The whole movie got so distracted spiraling off into it’s own “deeper meaning” that it abandoned the whole reason people came to see it in the first place. It was just dumb. And it was, without a doubt, the worst movie I watched in 2014. And now that that’s over with let’s jump into the really bad stuff. The stuff so bad that I didn’t even want to see it, and (in a very real sense) went to a great deal of trouble not to see. Starting with:

5. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles  Yup, a movie starring Megan Fox and involving those most feared of cinema words “Michael Bay” somehow landed in a worst movies list. It’s shocking. Sooo very shocking. A lot of people have been throwing around the “The 90’s movies weren’t good either” defense to which my response is… “Well yeah… and???” Just because something wasn’t good before doesn’t excuse it not being good now. Also (and here’s a really novel idea so strap yourselves down to your desk chairs America) why not just (brace yourselves) NOT MAKE THE MOVIE!!! Why not look at a source material and go “Hey that works as a 30 minute, over the top kids-cartoon but maybe converting it into a two hour long movie that tries to be ‘taken seriously’ would work about as well as taking a dog who can bark something that vaguely sounds like ‘hello’ and expecting it to sing Figaro’s Aria.'”

4. The Legend of Hercules The definitive loser of this years battle of the Herculi, the legend of Hercules was terrible but it was terrible in a boring sort of horrendously terrible sort of way. But it wasn’t a funny sort of terrible, it was just terrible. The script was bad, the acting was bad, the action was forgettable… see? There’s just nothing funny here. It was too bland to even be funny about it. Which is just sad.

3. A Million Ways to Die in the West A movie in which Seth McFarlane desperately tries to ruin the western genre. Literally, John Wayne appeared to me in a vision late at night and told me that he had arisen from the very dirt to appear to me and tell me to “Keep riding Pilgrim,” and ask if I was “Feeling lucky, punk” and if I was “talking to him” and “Why so serious.” Death has not been kind to Mr. Wayne.

2. Left Behind Okay so the last two here were difficult and Left Behind managed to avoid the top spot only because everyone knew it would be bad. I don’t think anyone looked at “Left Behind: Starring Nicolas Cage” and thought to themselves “Oh wow, that’ll be good.” I mean it was a Left Behind movie (which historically have been terrible) and Nic Cage (who has historically been in terrible movies) in the same place… it wasn’t exactly rocket science. This would be like going to a house and having them serve you a dinner comprised of gasoline and actively burning turtles, there’s no way that’s going to end well at all.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage's career.

Pictured in the background, the burning wreckage of Nic Cage’s career.

1. Transformers 4: Something Something Explosions Yeah… there really wasn’t much competition here. At this point the stench of this franchise is just starting to stack on top of itself. I mean has there been a series like this before??? Something so completely universally maligned that just kept cranking out the awful through FOUR movies?? Granted the first one wasn’t that bad but still this is three movies in a row now that have been terrible!! And there’s no sign of this thing ending. Ever. Ten years from now we’ll still be watching bad, brainless Transformer movies somehow still being made by Michael Bay. Thirty years from now when we’re building colonies on the moon they’ll be some sort of Transformers 20 in which robots from the future yell angrily at each other and having super confusing fights with indistinguishable characters who will probably kill each other in various ways before those robots (whoever they be) who are killed, eventually (through various means) will come back to life and appear in subsequent Transformers movies… yay. And there you go guys! Another year, another huge batch of terrible movies!! Check back next week when I finally get back to doing that thing I’m supposed to be doing where I review actual movies!

First off and before we do anything else let’s all glory in the wonder that is this picture.

Oh the wonder.

Oh the wonder.

Thank you Liam Neeson. You’ve just… you’ve given us so much. And Taken so much. In Taken… and then Taken 2. And probably in Taken 3. But anyway, let’s move on to the fact that it’s STILL SEPTEMBER. And there are STILL no good movies. It’s like I’m a world class pastry chef and all the sudden no one is bringing me dough. Bad dough, good dough, I don’t care, I’ll take anything at this point!! And now I’m hungry.

Dang it.

The Box Office Top Ten 9/25/14

Let’s look at the box office… this is gonna be depressing guys. This’ll hurt. But I’m gonna be brave. I’m gonna be strong. I’m gonna be sponsored by Nike.

But not the last one. (Unless you’re reading this Nike in which case I am IN!! I will tattoo the letters of your company on my fingers. You will make millions. Somehow.)

10. If I Stay 

A movie starring Chloe Moretz as a high girl who is dying…. Or might be dying… or could be dying, possible sort of kind of maybe.  Kind of like most high school girls really. Not the death thing, just the indecisive section. “I think I would like totally die. But… maybe not… maybe I’ll live, I mean I haven’t seen the last season of Pretty Little Liars so… I just don’t know… I don’t know what I want. Ooh a Double Frappemocha Latte’licious!!!” Wow… that got sexist fast… Sorry Emma Watson.

9. The Drop

I don’t know exactly what this movie was about and my mouse is SOOO far away and I would have to click on it and… let’s face it… it’s called the Drop. And I have no idea what’s happening with it and I frankly do not care. Even a little bit.

8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Cause this movie is apparently still a thing. Why it is still a thing is a mystery that will span the generations. Future scientist will look back on our times and marvel at our tall buildlings, our interstate highways, how for some reason twerking was a thing we all cared about, and the fact that somehow after 7 weeks in theaters people were still watching Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

7. Let’s Be Cops

This is essentially just a movie about Nick Miller and Coach from New Girl, except all of the least funny and most crass parts of New Girl multiplied by all the least funny and crass moments of every other TV show ever.  Please don’t watch this.

6. Guardians of the Galaxy

Still here. Still awesome. If you somehow haven’t seen this yet you should watch it. Twice. At least.

5. Dolphin Tale 2

Dolphin Tale 2 is the sequel to Dolphin Tale 1 a movie that had Morgan Freeman in it and prominently featured (get ready) a Dolphin. For some reason we felt that the first movie just wasn’t Dolphiny enough though so we’ve come back with Dolphin Tale 2: Revenge of the Dolphin. Cause you messed with the Doll, now get ready for the fin!!!

"They called him Flipper. Flipper and he will kill you!! They called him Flipper. Flipper, out for Revenge."

“They called him Flipper. Flipper and he will kill you!! They called him Flipper. Flipper, out for Revenge.”

4. No Good Deed

A movie that has racked up a whopping 11 % approval rating according to Rotten Tomatoes, No Good Deed is the story of a woman who lets a man into her house and a man who terrorizes that woman and her family and her dog and her dogs family. It has Idris Elba in it but other than that is an entirely unremarkable experience and you should avoid seeing it like Heimdall avoids seeing anything that is actually useful in the Thor movies. Boom!! Nerd joke.

3. This is Where I leave You

This is where I leave you has a great cast (led by Jason Bateman and Tina Fey) but doesn’t live up to its potential thanks to a mostly bland story that has a few scant  moments of brilliance and lots of moments of bleh. It’s essentially the movie version of a bag of trail mix. One or two M&M’s but mostly just a bunch of lame healthy stuff your mom makes you eat. Boom!!! Health joke.

Trail-mix or as I call it an "M&M Obstacle Course."

Trail-mix or as I call it an “M&M Obstacle Course.”

 2. A Walk Among the Tombstones

It’s Liam Neeson everyone. Why are you not watching this?? What’s that? Cause it’s rated R and you’re a twelve year old who somehow made it this far into the blog? Oh… well that’s a good reason. Seriously though it’s a good movie… and rated R. For the traditional “Liam Neeson murders everyone” reasons. Boom!!! Not actually a joke.

 1. The Maze Runner

Another in the dreaded “Young Adult” movies based off of a “Young Adult” books aimed primarily at “teenagers” Maze Runner is the story of a boy who wakes up inside of a Maze and then does some running… Probably. He has some sort of amnesia thing going on and the only way to save his future is to remember his past!! Dun dun DUN!!!!!

So there you go guys… a movie rundown… of a lot of movies that you probably shouldn’t watch. September’s almost over guys. Hang in there. We’ll make it.

Internet!! I’m back!!! Like the plague, like baby, and like black. I am back. And sick. Sick sick sick. As such, I’m going to cut the fat, trim the crap, and flip the flop as I march into the box office top ten and layeth down some smack.

 Box Office Top Ten 8/8/14

10. Boyhood

So Boyhood is about um… something. It was filmed over the course of 12 years which is impressive… but it also stars Ethan Hawke which is distinctly less impressive. It’s gotten really good reviews but this seems like snobby filmery at its finest so… I don’t know… Also it’s playing in about three theaters so, yeah. If this sounds interesting to you go for it I guess but as for me and my house… We will not, for lo I am snob, but that much snob.

9. Step Up: All In

Ha ha. Oh… it cracks me up that this series is a thing. Here’s a summary of every movie in this series: good dancing, bad story, worse acting. So if you like dancing I guess this is for you… though you do know about youtube right? Cause you can watch some awesome dancing on youtube and not have to worry about the pesky “not dancing, brick faced acting” parts.

Ladies and Gentlemen: your brick faced heroes. Buff, Shaggy, and Half-shirt.

Ladies and Gentlemen: your brick faced heroes: Buff, Shaggy, and Half-shirt.

8. Lucy

Oh Lucy… you were so close to being a decent action movie… and then you sucked. Lucy is like a child on the beach who starts building a really nice castle… and then wrecks it. And pees on it. And lights it on fire. And destroys the world.

7. The Hundred Foot Journey

If you’re looking for a new release movie to see this week, this is it. Helen Mirren is wonderful. End of story. It’s not a great action movie, and it’s by no means a perfect film but it’s Helen Mirren. Shut-up.

6. Into the Storm

It’s like Twister except… okay so it’s pretty much Twister. The affects are better, the story is worse, welcome to modern cinema everyone. We have run out of ideas, but isn’t it pretty?

And this shot is from Into the Storm... or Twister... Or maybe Man of Steel??

And this shot is from Into the Storm… or Twister… Or maybe Man of Steel??

5. The Giver

Here’s the thing: I like the book The Giver fine, but it’s not great source material for a movie. It’s all “in peoples brains” and “let’s hold hands and think about the past” and other things. It was a weird decision to make it into a movie. And it did not go well. Good cast… unsuitable source material.

4. The Expendables 3

Oh Expendables. If you want to see this movie, you probably already have. I’m not necessarily opposed to the Expendables series, sure it’s not great cinema, it won’t change your life, but it also doesn’t try to. If Lucy was a sandcastle that was destroyed midway through, Expendables is a sand castle that was finished… though granted it was made with a bucket with a hole in it… by a three year old… koala. I will probably see this at some point when I’m in the mood for some murder and my wife is nowhere nearby… but I will not pay 10 dollars. At all.

3. Let’s Be Cops

This is a horrible movie. Don’t watch it. I like New Girl as much as anyone: don’t watch this. Ever.

2. Guardians of the Galaxy

Go watch this. Read my full review here. And go watch this. Now. Are you gone?? Go.

1. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

This title is SOOO long. And this movie is bad. I mean it’s not horrible. If you like Ninja Turtles it’ll probably be worth your time but… beyond that this probably isn’t for you.  It’s dumb. Stupid. Not funny. It’s like Transformers… but worse. If such a thing is possible.

This is Michael Bay children. He will ruin your childhood dreams. He is coming for you. Run.

This is Michael Bay children. He will ruin your childhood dreams. He is coming for you. Run.

So there you go guys! Check back in Thursday when I will hopefully be more alive, more funny, and more able to make fun of Michael Bay.

Well hey guys!! Happy Monday… ew… those words hurt. They are at natural war one with another, like Hatfields and McCoys, Verizon and AT&T, and France and… kind of everyone who’s not France. Anyway though, I believe it is now time for the very last of my Summer Question blogs… I think. Unless I come up with some other questions… which may happen… planning is not my strongest suit.

Question 1: What exactly is Guardians of the Galaxy?

Guardians of the Galaxy is pretty much The Avengers crazy cousin. The only question is what level of crazy will Guardians of the Galaxy be? Will it be the hilarious crazy person who eats nothing but chips and salsa and sings “Singing in the Rain” in a delightfully falsetto voice while swinging an actual lightsaber he built himself out of straw and lama spit? Or will he be the bad crazy who eats nothing but empty potato chip bags and sings nothing but the chorus of “It’s a Small World after All” while swinging around a lumpy rope made out of moose poop? Personally I think it’ll be a great movie! Just judging by the trailer we’ve already seen the movie seems to be striking a great balance between creating fun characters and a crazy world, while not letting things get to far out of hand.

Question 2: Is Lucy what Limitless should have been?

Maybe. For those of you who don’t know Limitless was a REALLY stupid movie about a guy who unlocks the full potential of his brain by taking some medication and then doesn’t make more of that medication for entirely stupid reasons. Lucy is a movie about a woman who is accidentally exposed to drugs and unlocks the full potential of her brainpower. But instead of doing what the guy in Limitless did (being an incredibly smart JERK) this girl develops awesome super-powers and reeks terrible vengeance on the people who accidentally expose her to said drug.

No no no. Wrong Lucy.

No no no. Wrong Lucy.

Question 3: Who asked for a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles live action movie?

Nobody. And nobody asked for Meghan Fox to be in it either while we’re talking about things people didn’t ask for. I mean, I have a lot of respect for the old classic cartoon series but giving Michael Bay a beloved childhood series to make a movie from is like giving a beloved Christmas Ham to a large and hungry polar bear for safe keeping. This is not gonna be a good experience for anyone, but ESPECIALLY for Ninja Turtle fans. I’m sorry guys.

"So... can I not be in the movie anymore?"

“So… can I not be in the movie anymore?”

Question 4: Why do they keep making Expendables movies?

I don’t know man. The first one was entertaining in a weird sort of “Aw… look at all the old people” sort of way. But the second one was just kinda sad and now a third one? When are you too old for movies about old people? Wasn’t the answer to that question: Exactly a movie ago? Cause I think it was.

So there you go guys, summer movie questions, summer movie answers. Wala. Abrakadabra. Bonjour. And other magical words!!