Posts Tagged ‘Summer Movies’

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?

m2

You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.

 

So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.

lk1

Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.

 

Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?

sh

That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.

 

Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.

Well hello Internet, and welcome to our 5th yes, FIFTH, annual Thoughts We Might Have Had Summer Movie Awards. The Awards show that rewards, excellence, creativity, and sharks. So let’s put on our finest outfits, toss back some alcohols, and get ready to remember all the good times, and try desperately to drink away the bad.

TWMHH: 2016 Summer Movie Awards

Biggest Goldblum Waste – Independence Day Resurgance

goldblum

Oh Jeff, we hardly knew ye.

 

I weirdly watched a LOT of Jeff Goldblum movies this summer. I marathoned the Jurassic Park movies with my wife, and then jumped straight into the original Independence Day and you know what I realized? Jeff Goldblum is actually pretty dang talented. He’s really good. Charming, funny, easy to root for, I don’t believe he hasn’t been in more things honestly, so, needless to say, I was really excited to see him back in his old Indpendence Day roll, and he did really well… except he wasn’t actually in it that much. In fact he was barely in it at all. What?!?! I say to you again: WHAAAATTTTTT?!?!?!?!? Not only did you make a mediocre movie that felt like an 80s movie (but in a very not good way) you didn’t use what was inarguably your best asset?? Such a bluming waste.

Best kids movie – Finding Dory

Oh look, it’s a Pixar movie. And it was the best one of the summer. This award is just getting boring at this point. It’s the Simone Biles of categories, you know who’s going to win before you even start. Finding Dory was a brilliantly put together, well cast movie, that was both great for kids, and taught some excellent lessens to kids and adults. I mean, the third act kind of stumbled a bit towards the end and it wasn’t in the same category as Inside Out but it was definitely a great movie, and easily the best kids movie of the summer.

Most unnecessary sequel – Teenage Mutants Ninja Turtles 2

Another great year for this depressing category. I mean the competition ranged from Now You See Me 2, to Ice Age Whatever the heck number it is, to The Purge 3 (for some reason), and even tread into comedy with Neighbors 2. Just so much sequelage. That no one asked for. But TMNT 2 easily took the prize this year not just because it itself was terrible, but because it was the sequel to universally disliked movie. I mean… why? Who gives these people money?? WHY do they give them money? It’s just… why?

Biggest Meh: Warcraft

A movie that was supposed to finally get the video game to movie transition right, and ended up just being just another movie that couldn’t reconcile itself with its own larger world. A movie that was weighed down by its own video game lore, and by the large accrued by its cast.

warcraft

For those of you wondering: yes, I have made that joke before.

 

Borringest name: Jason Bourne

“Who’s in this movie??”

“Jason Bourne.”

“Let’s just named it that.”

“Okay but… you see sir, we’ve named all the other movies with the whole ‘The Bourne: Something’ theme. Wouldn’t it be literally a million times easier for the audience, and more in line with the rest of the series if we carried on with that.”

“Nope. We’re calling it Jason Bourne.”

“Fine, but we’re gonna put more effort into the script and the story than we did the title right?”

“Sure… yeah… definitely.”

Most Unnecessary Caring: Ghostbusters

Look, I thought the backlash from this movie was stupid, unnecessary, and sad. I just wish it had been a better movie. It wasn’t a bad movie: it was fine. The cast made an unremarkable script better than it could have been, but they just didn’t have enough to work with. In the end I guess the good news is it seems even all the haters and internet types have moved on to something else and I’m sure they’ll find a way to ruin something else, but I just wish the movie had been great. But it was not.

Most Shark: The Shallows

The Shallows was a surprisingly good, very taught, well told movie. But the real shocker here is that somehow The Shallows stole the incredibly coveted (and not made up) Most Shark Award from Finding Dory. I mean… WHAT?!?!?!?!?

shark

Fish are friends, she’s food.

 

Most Abs: The Legend of Tarzan

You can say that this movie was unoriginal, unimaginative, and bland but you can’t say it didn’t have sweet sweet abs.

_B4B2657.dng

I wasn’t gonna put a picture here, but I didn’t want to deal with the angry letters asking why I had turned down a chance to put ab to screen.

 

Least Surprises – X-men: Apocalypse

This movie even felt extremely unsurprised in this movie. The characters were characters we know just sort of… again. Magneto went on the same journey he’s gone on the last four movies, people had cool superpowers until it was convenient to the story for them not to have them, and Angel was a really stupid mutant with dumb powers.

angel

Look out he might… wing at you… or something.

 

Even Apocalypse himself just sort of walked around and stared at things and talked incessantly about exactly what he was going to do, just in case the audience wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to do. The whole thing was just… predictable.

Movie No One Cared About – Alice Through the Looking Glass.

Sigh. I just… Nah. I’m not talking about this.

Movie I Saw the Least – Nine Lives

9

The real question is: How did they get Kevin Spacey to be in this train wreck??

 

Look, movies where uppity businessmen get turned into something (animals, family members… Herbie??) and then reconnect with their families are nothing new. This one had the slight intrigue of featuring both Kevin Spacey and Christopher Walken, but in the end (to the great surprise of no one) it was the worst, clocking in at a whopping 8% on Rotten Tomatoes. And thusly: I did not see it.

Biggest Unpleasant Surprise – Suicide Squad

The got me again guys. I really thought DC was gonna put out a good movie… and they didn’t. It was real bad. Certain parts of it worked, specifically the cast who all did very good work, but the script and the editing just slaughtered what could have been a really good movie. I was talking to a friend yesterday about DC’s almost mystifying inability to create even a decent movie. Like not even “yeah that was pretty good.” Which they really should be able to do, they’ve got interesting characters, and can obviously attract talented actors, so why can’t they make a movie that hits even a medium level of goodness??? It really is just bizarre at this point.

Biggest Pleasant Surprise – Star Trek: Beyond

Look guys: I was real wrong on this one. For some reason I just couldn’t really get into Star Trek: Beyond, but honestly it was super fun. I really enjoyed it from start to finish and the final battle was easily one of the best pulled off ideas I’ve seen. It was fantastic. The cast was great, the script was good, and it just felt like the big, fun, summer movie we hadn’t really gotten since May. It’s still in most theaters so if you haven’t seen it yet I HIGHLY recommend it.

Movie of the Summer – Captain America: Civil War

Civil War

As if it could be anything else.

 

Yep, it was the first real summer movie, and it was the best. The story, the acting, the visuals, the fight scenes. It was all here. And it was all great. I mean how can you not appreciate a movie that not only, is yet another sterling entry (and an argument could be made that it’s the best entry) in the anti-DC fun times Marvelverse, but also saves Spiderman!! I mean come on!

So there you go guys, another year, another set of summer movie awards. Thanks for reading, and I’ll see you Tuesday for another reader mailbag so submit your questions to thoughtswemighthavehad@gmail.com or in the comments below!

Well guys, we’re back. Back at the official kickoff of summer, summer movies, and my annual set of lengthy summer tanning expeditions… I mean questions. Summer questions. As a rule, I do not go outside. Ever.

Question 1: Can Captain America: Civil War live up to the hype??

Marvel’s first movie of the year has been the official start of the summer for a while now and after last years somewhat disappointing (though I really liked it) Age of Ultron, this years entry looks to build on with the Russo brothers as the official new Grand High Highnesses of the Marvel Universe.

Civil War

Oh yeah… it’s gonna be that good. And also in Spanish… apparently.

 

Honestly, everything I’ve heard about Civil War so far has been VERY positive. Great outing for Cap and Iron Man alike and a good balance between Marvel’s more lighthearted take on comics, and some increased drama as heroes face off. I’ve really been trying to temper my own expectations but as of now I think this thing is gonna be fantastic. Really looking forward to seeing how these events change things up headed into Infinity Wars and excited to see some good old fashioned hero faceoffs! Welcome back Marvel, we missed you!!

Question 2: Do we really need an Angry Birds movie?

Probably not. I mean I don’t think this will be a bad movie but I don’t expect it to reach anything beyond “decent kids movie” status. The trailers look fine, the story seems passable, and the voice cast looks good but I haven’t seen anything to show me that this is even TRYING to be anything more than a decent kids movie. Which is fine. Be decent. Do you. Bird Angry.

angry bird

So he’s flying… just like in that game you played two years ago… while you were in the bathroom.

 

Question 3: Do we need Alice in Wonderland: Through the Looking Glass even less?

Ha ha ha. Yes. Very much so. This thngs gonna suck real bad. And that’s not just me saying that, Disney thinks this thing is gonna suck. Why else would they bury it by releasing on the same day as X-men: Apocalypse? Disney doesn’t want you to watch this movie. They just green-lit it at some point because they have ALL the money and it was either make Alice in Wonderland 2, or enslave a small nation state in Europe.

Trailers have looked kinda sad and soulless, Johnny Depp looks entirely asleep, and Mia Wasichowski… well it’s really hard to tell what’s going on with her… what with that one facial expression and all.

Question 4: How Hilariously bad will The Trust be?

Oh. Oh it’s gonna be great. In it’s hilarious badness. I mean look at this poster!

trust

It’s like they’re trying to make bad movies at this point.

 

Appreciate the Nic Cage Mustache. The Elijah Wood drug addict beard. Whatever is happening on both of their respective heads. I mean this is a perfect storm of wonderfully bad things.

Question 5: How will X-men Apocalypse measure up?

The X-men franchise has been… reliably good. X-men: First Class is still probably the best movie in the series but Days of Future past was pretty good. Apocalypse seems like it will be good. I’m not expecting greatness here, X-men tends to be a little heavy handed with the drama and a little soft handed with the character development… Soft handed is probably pretty weird huh? Gonna need to never say that again.

xmen

Alas Poor Yorick… I crushed him well.

 

Anywho, I’m waiting for this streak of good movies to end… I don’t think this is it, but I don’t think it will be awesome. I’m expecting a solid movie here. Nothing great, nothing terrible. I’ll watch it, I’ll enjoy it, we’ll all listen to Sophie Turner try really hard to do an American accent… and probably not do real well.

So there you go guys! Your first batch of Summer Questions for ye olde 2016!! Check back next week for more questions, and potentially FAR less answers.

Well hey guys, I know, I know. I missed a day last week. I’m sorry. I apologize. Don’t make a big thing out of it okay? Some times I just need my freedom, just need to spread my wings and fly like an eagle… into the future.

Or something.

Anyway, now that I’ve reviewed Avengers: Age of the Best Thing Ever, let’s go ahead and wrap up our summer questions series with another gentle tip-toe through some movie tulips!!

Question 1: Will you watch Magic Mike XXL?

Ummm… no. But I feel like that’s just cause I’m the exact opposite of the target audience for this movie. I mean I’m not super against it, I don’t think it or its predecessor are bad movies, I don’t think they’re awesome movies. They are movies that are not made for me though, and that’s fine. Whatever. I am mostly indifferent about such things, let Channing Tatum and his one astonishingly unexpressive facial expression whisk you away to a magical pelvic thrusting land. I’ll be here… probably watching the Avengers again.

Question 2: What’s the deal with Pixels?

Oh Pixels… I love the idea for this movie. It’s weird and off beat and an awesome idea for a weird sort of off beat action movie/comedy. Basically aliens have invaded earth ‘disguised’ as 80’s video game characters. It’s a great idea. That said, there are two huge (not a fat joke… mostly) elephants in the room: Adam Sandler and Kevin James are in this. I’m not saying having those two automatically make this a bad movie but… doesn’t it kind of??? I mean at some point we’ve got to just stop expecting these people to be in good movies right? If this movie starred literally anyone else I would be legitimately excited, if it had a legitimate action star paired up with a legitimate comic actor I would be even more excited. But it doesn’t have those things. And I am not excited. Forgive me Pacman.

Question 3: What’s up with Tom Cruise? Can Mission Impssible: Rogue Nation keep his streak alive?

Tom Cruise is (as weird as this is to type) on a roll movie wise. Edge of Tomorrow was great, the last mission impossible was fantastic, even Jack Reacher was better then most people think. I don’t know of any reason not to think Mission Impossible will be great. The trailer looks good, the cast works well together, and the store seems like a decent idea. Those are pretty much all the pieces you need to make a good action movie. Remember when life was simpler and we could all just make fund of Tom Cruise and his weird hair and space based religion??? I miss those days.

STRICTLY EMBARGOED: 8:00am PST March 22, 2015 Rebecca Ferguson and Tom Cruise in a scene from the motion picture "Mission Impossible 5." Credit: Chiabella James, Paramount Pictures [Via MerlinFTP Drop]

Weirdest piggy back ride ever…

Question 4: Can The Man from UNCLE live up to it’s awesome trailer?

Potentially yeah. I like the cast here, and the sense of humor seems to be spot on, so as long as the story is passable I think this could be a fun old school spy movie. Nice to see someone take the genre back to it’s smarmy roots in the same year that Rogue Nation and the new James Bond movie continue to make the genre darker and grittier and less shirt wearingyer. It would be really cool just to see an old school fun, slightly over the top spy movie and this looks like it may fit the bill!

So suave... so smooth. Like chocolate milk wearing a bow tie.

So suave… so smooth. Like chocolate milk wearing a bow tie.

Question 5: Why is Meryl Streep dressed like a punk rocker?? Is the world ending?

Wait... what's happening?

Wait… what’s happening?

Probably. From what I can tell the movie is about Streep as a failed rock and roll artist returning home to see her daughter and x-husband. Not exactly the greatest movie premise ever but hey, Meryl Streep, punk rocker, I’m in for that action. No premise required.

Well there you go guys!! Our Summer questions!! I did leave Ant-man and Fantastic Four off of year as I feel I’ve talked about them a lot in the last few weeks! Check back next week as I field some more letters from made up famous people.

Well hey internet!! It’s Thursday, Friday’s younger, uglier sister!! But here to make that ugly sister just a little bit better looking, like a new haircut or a margarita at the midnight buffet is my third and final installment of the legendary, questionary, and missionary blog series: Summer Questions!!

Summer Questions Part 3
August, September, and 1 from June that I forgot to talk about before

Question Number 1: How did I forget about Monster University? (June 21st release)

No idea how I didn’t talk about this before! I love the fact that this is a prequel and not an attempt to make a sequel out of a movie that absolutely did not need a sequel. Instead we’re heading back to before Mike and Sully met, back to the college years, the English classes, the proficiency exams, and (in my case) the meetings with the Dean of Men. I think the University idea will give us a cool new angle on the Monster world and give us a chance to look at things from a different perspective rather then once again being stuck inside the scream factory with the weird robo-crab guy (though I am sure he’ll make a cameo in this movie for all of you Robo-crab fans). It probably won’t be my favorite movie of the summer, but it’s certainly got a shot at being one of my favorite Pixar movies which is nothing at all to sneeze at.

Question number 2: What’s with 2 Guns? (August 2nd)

Any endorsements of this movie are in no way an endorsement of Denzel's old man hat.

Any endorsements of this movie are in no way an endorsement of Denzel’s old man hat.

I hadn’t heard anything about this movie until I watched the trailer last week and honestly… it looks kinda good. Denzel Washington and Mark Wahlberg team up in a movie about bank robbers, marshalls, and learning who you can trust (or something). Granted that’s a fairly tried and true sort of buddy cop formula but sometimes tried and true formulas work. Sometimes Aunt Elga bakes her apple-cranapple-banana-apple pie the same way for twenty years for a reason! I’m not a huge fan of buddy cop movies but for some reason this one looks like it might be good. That said let me re-emphasize something: I’m not a huge fan of buddy cop movies. So I’ll keep my eyes on this one and if it gets decent reviews I will probably go see it, and if it doesn’t I probably will definitely not. Like that first bite of apple-cranapple-banana-apple pie, sometimes it’s best to let someone else go first.

Question Number 3: Wait, Percy who? (Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters: August 7th)

Do you remember about… five years ago when the first Percy Jackson movie came out? Yeah… me neither. For those of you who weren’t born or didn’t care Percy Jackson is pretty much Harry Potter except with the Greek Pantheon and a LOT less talent. Percy Jackson is Harry Potters second cousin whose brain was donated to science after his first birthday. I’m not saying it’s a bad book series, I’m just saying if you start feeling like you’ve been on this carnival ride before, it’s just cause you have. The first movie, Percy Jackson and the Zeusorers Stone, (no one will get that joke…. it made sense in my head) wasn’t bad so much as it just lacked focus and tried to cram to many things into one movie. Also, the fawn may be one of the four most annoying things ever in cinema. All that said, Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters might not be a bad movie, it’s got a chance to tell an interesting narrative featuring some cool characters. It’s also got a chance however to once again get lost in it’s own narrative and have annoying fawn jokes, proceed at your own risk.

Question Number 4: Why am I not at all excited about Elysium?

If you watch the trailer for Elysium it really looks like the kind of movie I should be excited about. Dystopian future, ensuing violence, Jodie Foster making that one face that Jodie Foster makes. It looks like a movie I should be excited for… but I am not. At all. I think maybe it’s just cause I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen it before, that it’s gonna have a paper thin plot involving Matt Damon having some sort of “hidden agenda” that will be painfully obvious, and in the end it’s just an excuse for that guy who made District 9 to make a movie that looks almost exactly like District 9 minus the aliens. Also, that weird head contraption bracey thing looks reallly REALLY dumb. And I feel like the people who designed it are still actively patting themselves on the back about how “cool” it looks. I’m not impressed oh ye Back Contraption Design Peoples. Not. Impressed.

Elysium: cause someone had to glue some legos to Matt Damon.

Elysium: cause someone had to glue some legos to Matt Damon.

Question Number 5: Will this finally be the Riddick we’ve been waiting for? (September 2nd)

I’m a fan of the Riddick series, but even just saying that makes you feel like you have to follow that up with “parts of it are really cool.” Which is how Riddick has always worked, it’s a movie that takes place in an interesting universe and features a very interesting and very cool main character in some occasionally interesting and cool settings. That said, it’s a series that get’s stuck in it’s own head… a lot. “Perfect Dark” the first movie is definitely the best of the trilogy (I don’t count the animated movies… nobody should) and even it has about thirty minutes worth of movie that you could skip. The second movie “The Chronicles of Riddick: Sci-fi cliches” tried to do a lot of things, most of which did not work but some of which were really cool (everything that happens on the prison planet.) That’s how Riddick has always been, some really cool sequences in a fairly mediocre movie. Can this Riddick movie (brilliantly named “Riddick”) finally put together all of the right pieces? Definitely. Could it also just be another lackluster drop in a lusty bucket? Also, definitely.

Though they did make a fairly kickin' poster.

Though they did make a fairly kickin’ poster.

Well there you have it Interfriends! The Summer questions, the summer answers, and the summer bummers! Check back Monday for another new post and, hey, why not follow this link and watch me make fun of Once Upon a Time for forty minutes? Have a great weekend!