Posts Tagged ‘Summer movie previews’

Well hey Internet and welcome back to the ultimate in people asking themselves questions on the Internet! That’s right, it’s time to slip into some shorts, slather on some sunscreen, and bask on the sun drenched glow of:

Micah’s Summer Movie Questions 2017: Part 2

Number 1: Will The Mummy finally break the “new monster movie” monster movie curse?


You’ve heard of bifocals? She needs like… quadfocals.


So far the new monster universe that Paramount is trying to make has featured a bunch of solid “mehs.” Dracula Untold was fine but Paramount has already announced that it’s no longer part of the cinematic “Monsterverse.” Victor Frankenstein was good but not exactly memorably good, and that just leaves us with the Mummy. I mean the trailers have all looked super fun, I love the new spin/new look for the mummy and if it can keep Russell Crowe as it’s sort of Nick Fury unifying character I think the whole thing could work. But it’s basically ALL contingent on this movie working. And that’s all contingent on Tom Cruise’s Tom Cruise face working out… and it’s hard to predict the workings of Tom Cruise’s face… which is a weird thing to type.

Number 2: Why Cars 3??

Look, I don’t know what’s happening. I don’t know why it’s happening. Cars 1, Cars 2, the Cars movie where it was a bunch of planes for some reason… they just keep happening. I think someone’s computer is stuck over at Disney so they just keep making these movies. Cars 3 seems to be going with some weird old people and young people aren’t much different theme which is a very weird thing to make a movie about for kids. But it’s okay: cause kids don’t care. Kids just want to see the world burn. I mean the cars. The car racing.

Number 3: Why Transformers: The Last Knight?? WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

At this point according to sheer law of averages isn’t Michael Bay bound to make one of these into a passable movie?? Not a good movie mind you, but a passable one? Like he’s made 5? And 1 of them (the first one) was passable. So surely, through raw volume of movies that man is destined to stumble (probably against his will) into making a decent movie? That said: this one looks bad. Just a pile of indistinguishable robots punching each other while attractive people run around yelling things about various brand name drinks they’ve enjoyed lately. Ya know, like every Transformers movie.


Transformers: the only series where a giant robot with a sword, in no way interests me.


Number 4: Why Despicable Me 3??? What’s happening?? Why is it happening?? When can we escape this nightmare???

Apparently, I will not be attending the movie theater for a few weeks. In fact whatever the opposite of going to a movie theater is what I will be doing. What’s the opposite of movies? Pictographs? Pouring concrete? I don’t even know. But whatever is definitely not watching these three movies? That is what I will be doing.

Number 5: Can Spider-man: Homecoming re-unite me with my movie theater after three horrible other questions I had to ask?


That is some very intense eye makeup there, Spidey.


Yes. Yes it can. Look, Sony released a trailer that basically outlined every single plot point in this movie, basically in order. That said, I’m still VERY excited about this movie. Robert Downey Jr. and Tom Holland (Spiderman) played off eachother incredibly well in Civil War and Michael Keaton playing the Vulture is such staggeringly good casting I can scarce understand it. I’m not saying Sony still won’t do their best to ruin this (cause they already have) BUT I trust that Marvel can at least make this thing work a little bit. And a little bit of good Spiderman is more than enough for me!

So there you have it guys, part 2 of our Summer Questions! Check in Tuesday of next week for the grand finale!! Which (spoiler alert) will look a lot like this one, just with an inescapable air of finality.


Well hey internet, and welcome to another party. Another week, and another batch of summer questions (our THIRD such batch)!! Why does this thing seem to happen earlier every year? I mean summer these days generally doesn’t start until the first big summer superhero movie but this year that happened in like the middle of spring! So what’s a blogger to do but give into the inevitable sweeping swiffer picker upper of time and start asking himself deep questions, thoughtful questions, questiony questions…

Summer Questions: Part 1

Question Number 1: What’s going on with the Amazing Spiderman 2?

Nobody knows. At all. Most people who have reviewed this movie (only those who have seen the WAY advanced screening which is to say Film snobs and Comic book snobs) have liked it. But that’s like getting your review of a local grass field from a cow and a sheep who live in that field. A lot of people are worried about all the villains here but really we’re mostly just looking at Electro (as played by Jamie Foxx… for some reason) and the Green Goblin (as played by someone who looks shockingly like a 14 year old girl.) Still though it seems like the Green Goblin will look decent in the movie (once he transforms from said girl) which is a far cry from the weird Halloween costume that he wore in the last movie he was in. Suffice to say: I actually think this will probably be a good movie. Andrew Garfield and Emmy Stone made the first Amazing Spiderman great, and they are both still in this movie so I’m at least willing to see what happens.

Question Number 2: What’s going on with Legend of Oz: Dorothy’s Return?

Seriously: nobody knows.

Like what's going on here? Why is there a giant owl?? What happened to the Good Witch's waist?? I'm so confused. And hungry.

Like what’s going on here? Why is there a giant owl?? What happened to the Good Witch’s waist?? I’m so confused. And hungry.

And nobody cares.

Question Number 3: How mediocre will Godzilla be?

I don’t think anyone actually thinks Godzilla is gonna be a good movie. The question we find ourselves pondering then as we reflect on various lizards of mass destruction is whether Godzilla will be “fun mediocre” or just regular mediocre. I don’t really think it will be bad… necessarily. But it won’t be good. The only question is whether or not you’ll watch it and go “Huh… well that was fun.” Or just “Huh…”

Question Number 4: Will X:men Days of Future Past be awesome or aw-terrible… umm… aw-suck??? Man this sentence worked better in my head… I should have just left it there huh?

In direct contrast to Godzilla, X-men will either be 100 percent awesome or 100 percent terrible. To use an illustration that I have no actual experience to back up, Godzilla is like doing a square-dance. Once you know the steps it’s fairly simple. Right foot, left foot, shake it all about. And so on. As long as you’re paying attention and not trying to dance with a chicken (or in this case a giant lizard) you’re at least going to do all right. X-men on the other hand, is like trying to dance the foxtrot with an actual fox while being lit on fire by a trotting elephant. If you can pull it off it might be the best thing ever in the world, but if not then you will be burned, stepped on, and licked by a fox… or make a bad movie… for Fox.

If it's any consolation this actual fox also has no idea what's going on.

If it’s any consolation this actual fox also has no idea what I’m talking about.

This whole paragraph was mostly just to say that X-men will either be awesome and great or horrible and terrible… and on fire.

Question Number 5: Is Maleficent the next Wicked?

It certainly wants to be (weird musical numbers aside) but can Maleficent really be as sympathetic a character as the Wicked Witch of the West somehow ended up being? It’s really not super likely. But I think it at least stands a chance of being a decent movie if it can avoid trying to make some big statement about “”how men clip the wings of women” and just focus on being a movie. I’m not saying a movie can’t say something about “how men clip the wings of women” but maybe just focus on making the movie work first huh?


But… Metaphor???

So there are five questions for the summer, if you’d like five more questions… or some other arbitrary number of questions that I will determine later, then come on back on Thursday!! And if not then umm… come back Thursday anyway.