Posts Tagged ‘Split’

 

Well hey Internet, and all w me to congratulate you on making it through most of Jefbruary! You’re so close to coming out of the bad neighborhood of the movie world. The raging and terrible landfill of Hollywood. Hollywood’s actual trashcan that they actually light on fire. You’ve almost survived. But what have you survived? Well let’s just take a looksee here shall we? Buy dusting off our oldest, and most comfortable pair of short-pants:

 

Box Office Top Ten: 2/16/2017

 

10. Sing

 

There is no greater Jefbruary tradition than the mediocre kids movie that is somehow still in theaters. This years entry, Sing, is a perfectly acceptable entry in the long line of “looks kids!! Things are happening” movies that just refuse to die in Jefbruary, because there aren’t any other movies around to kill them… that got dark quickly.

 

9. Lion

l2017

You’ve got… you’ve got something on your face there man.

 

 

This is a good, uplifting, and awesome movie about… a guy who gets kidnapped. And then there’s a google camera involved and he’s trying to find his family. It’s very uplifting guys. You will be lifted right up there. Assuming you live near one of the two theaters currently showing this movie that is.

 

8. La La Land

 

I’ve talked a lot about this movie and I told everyone to see it about seven times already so… I mean see it. Assuming you live near the one theater that is still showing it.

 

7. Rings

 

Hey look, it’s another one of our favorite Jefbruary friends: the horrible, terrible, no good, very bad, horror movie. This one also managing to give us a two for one by being a completely unnecessary sequel no one asked for!! It’s the unwelcome drunk uncle of Jefbruary!! Thanks Rings!!

 

6. A Dog’s Purpose

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I mean, every pickle happens for a reason too but there’s not “A Pickle’s Purpose” movie is there?

 

 

So… awkwardly this is a movie about how great dogs are that treated the dogs they used VERY badly, and is also a pretty bad movie. Who would have thought that a movie based around a ton of dogs dying and re-incarnating would end up being a downer?? The surprises never end.

 

5. Hidden Figures

 

I’m glad this movie is still around cause it’s important societally and a really good movie that everyone should watch!! I’m sad this movie is still around because there’s nothing sarcastic or mean that I can say about it. More like… Hidden Fingers!!… yeah that doesn’t work… and is creepy. Shoulda got out while the gettin’ was good.

 

4. Split

 

M. Night Sham-a-lama finally made a movie that doesn’t suck!! I mean, granted the conclusion is dumb because his mandatory ‘twist’ handcuffed his ability to give us a concrete ending… but whatever. It doesn’t suck. And James McAvoy is great. So yay?

 

3. John Wick: Chapter 2

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Keanu Reeves has some questions for you…

 

 

I actually really liked John Wick. It was simple, straightforward, man action. It wasn’t a big movie that tried to teach you anything other than “always shoot the man in the head,” but it was just a great action movie. John Wick 2 is basically the same thing. Nothing fancy, nothing super challenging scriptwise, just some good old fashioned Keanu Reeves capping some not Keanu Reeves’s in the head.    

 

2. Fifty Shades Darker

 

First off, let me give you just a little credit internet: This was not the number 1 movie in its first week: I’m proud of you. Granted, it’s still number two, but hey, at least it’s not number 1. I know most of you know this but just so I have typed it: this is a TERRIBLE movie. No one should be surprised at this. It’s a sequel to a bad movie, based on bad books, that features bad actors, playing poorly written characters, based on even poorer written characters. It’s bad. And no one should be surprised by this.

 

1. The Lego Batman Movie

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And yet still better than Jared Leto’s joker.

 

 

I was kinda worried this movie wouldn’t be very good. It was a spin-off from a great movie, and a great character in that movie, but we’ve all seen that crash and burn. We all remember Kronk’s New Groove… especially right after I mention it. But Lego Batman was helped by the fact that it’s based on an existing character with a great cast of characters already established, and it turned out a really great movie!!

 

So there you go guys! Thanks for reading, and hang in there for another few weeks guys! You’ve almost made it through!

Hello Internet, so I’m (once again) all locked and loaded and full of sickness upon this night. I’m like the worlds worst Panini. Just a buch of germs crammed into a bread… for some reason. Anyway, given the fact that I am riddled with disease, I’m gonna punch that old, worn button near the command console and crank out a quick box office top ten, before collapsing into my bed and (for lack of a better word) dying.

Box Office Top Ten 1/26/2017

Number 10: The Bye Bye Man

Something something: it’s a horror movie. It’s being released in January. That’s all you really need to know about this. Horror is a VERY hit and miss genre and January is where Hollywood hides its misses. And speaking of misses:

Number 9: Sleepless

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In case you can’t read it the tag line there is: “Don’t Judge a Cop by his Cover.” That’s all you need to know about Sleepless.

 

Jamie Foxx stars as Liam Neeson from Taken, in a movie called Sleepless that has no plot, tons of violence, and no reason to exist.

Number 8: Patriots Day

Mark Wahlberg stars in this based on a true story movie about the Patriots day bombing in Boston. By all accounts it’s a good(albeit very cliché)’based on a true story’ movie. This is the second one of these movies Mark Wahlberg has starred in over the last 6 months which leads to the question: Does Hollywood think Mark Wahlberg is what real people look like?? Cause I’ve got news for you Hollywood… it isn’t. I mean he could definitely play me in my life story, cause we look VERY similar. I assure you. But the average, unattractive, pizza repositories of the masses?? Not so much.

Number 7: Monster Trucks

Literally the laziest idea possible for a movie. Like a 4 year old scribbled onto his dads idea notebook “Trucks+monster??” And that’s what his dad pitched. And somehow this became a movie.

mtrucks

Yup… this is a real movie.

 

Number 6: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story

Look, if you haven’t seen Rogue One yet… what are you doing? Who are you??? Why do you read this blog wherein I talk about virtually nothing BUT Star Wars??

Number 5: La La Land

So I think we can officially say La La Land is a real good movie, and not just an “Oscar nominated” movie. Great cast, awesome music, if you happen to live near one of the 5 theaters La La Land is playing at you should totally check it out.

Number 4: Sing

This is the only real kids movie in theaters at this point and it is (in the words of Socrates) totally fine.

Number 3: Hidden Figures

hidden_figures

This is (with no sarcasm) a very good movie.

 

Actually, this is probably the best movie on this particular list that hasn’t already been in theaters a while. Great cast, good storyline, it’s even (dare we say it) culturally relevant. If you’re in the mood for a more thinky film this is the one I recommend.

Number 2: xXx: Return of Xander Cage

Look, this movie is exactly what we thought it would be: dumb fun. With a little bit more dumb, than fun. It’s still fun… but it’s real dumb. Just be aware of that.

Number 1: Split

Look… Split is not a good movie. It’s about 2/3rds of a good movie, but in typical M. Night Shamalon fashion (yes I know I misspelled his name, no I do not care.) He’s gotten all the ingredients together for a good movie, but hasn’t actually made one. Now, it’s worth mentioning that James McAvoy turns in a fantastic performance here and that alone is reason enough to watch this but… the last act of this movie just kinda falls apart. It’s not a bad movie, but it’s not a good movie. It’s a movie with a LOT of potential, and a great performance by the only cast member who really matters, but it does stumble across the finish line more than a little bit.

And there you have it friends: that done. I shall be returning to my cavern now. Fare thee well.